Jamie1986 Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Hey all, my first time using this board, if anyone could offer some insight into my situation I'd very much appreciate it. For the past 15 months I've been in what was for all intensive purposes a very good relationship. We talked all the time, and this girl was really special to me. The only real problem that affected us was the amount of time we spent together. Basically, she's from a very traditional family, and due to her wanting to please them, she wasn't spending a lot of time with me in person at all, sometimes as little as two hours a week, though we were always talking on the phone etc. This inevitably put a lot of strain on our relationship. I haven't been as understanding as I should have been. We broke up briefly (2 days) about 8 months ago, and since then things had been going great, although the problem remained. She promised things would change at a certain point in her life, and they didn't and stupidly I lost my cool again and we got into a fight. Childishly and in the heat of the moment I broke it off and instantly called her back and apologised, and crazily she ended up breaking up with me. It's not the easiest of situations. I feel I've been foolish, and I've spent the last 2 months chasing her, apologising and letting her know that I love her even though the problems are there. I really love her to bits and even though the situation is difficult, I think the world of her as a person and haven't wanted to give up. We have been during these two months, texting, but a lot less than normal, speaking on the phone occasionally, and met up twice. I've been hurt a lot during this time, though I've taken it on the chin because I understand hurt her and felt I needed to show her some serious commitment after my previous shortcomings. The messages I've been getting are extremely mixed which has made it so difficult to let go. "I love you but it doesn't matter any more" "Dunnos" to important questions. We have been talking every day but she's been hurtful and insisted we will never get back together at times, said she's unsure at others. Basically, she is afraid to trust me again as this has happened twice. All this has been going on 2 months and it's been driving me crazy. I have been keen to show her I'm serious about her, I love her, and want to do better and be with her notwithstanding the problems but I feel like this is starting to go on too long now and she's taking advantage of it. I'm scared however that if I do give up and cease contact, it will show her the lack of commitment that I mistakenly failed to show her previously in the face of adversity. Any advice you can offer would be very much appreciated. Just know that I really care about this person a lot and accept my own mistakes in the relationship.
Gulf-Delta Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 I'm going out right now, but when I get back I will help you out. Your situation sounds like mine.
Gulf-Delta Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Hey all, my first time using this board, if anyone could offer some insight into my situation I'd very much appreciate it. For the past 15 months I've been in what was for all intensive purposes a very good relationship. We talked all the time, and this girl was really special to me. The only real problem that affected us was the amount of time we spent together. Basically, she's from a very traditional family, and due to her wanting to please them, she wasn't spending a lot of time with me in person at all, sometimes as little as two hours a week, though we were always talking on the phone etc. This inevitably put a lot of strain on our relationship. I haven't been as understanding as I should have been. We broke up briefly (2 days) about 8 months ago, and since then things had been going great, although the problem remained. She promised things would change at a certain point in her life, and they didn't and stupidly I lost my cool again and we got into a fight. Childishly and in the heat of the moment I broke it off and instantly called her back and apologised, and crazily she ended up breaking up with me. It's not the easiest of situations. I feel I've been foolish, and I've spent the last 2 months chasing her, apologising and letting her know that I love her even though the problems are there. I really love her to bits and even though the situation is difficult, I think the world of her as a person and haven't wanted to give up. We have been during these two months, texting, but a lot less than normal, speaking on the phone occasionally, and met up twice. I've been hurt a lot during this time, though I've taken it on the chin because I understand hurt her and felt I needed to show her some serious commitment after my previous shortcomings. The messages I've been getting are extremely mixed which has made it so difficult to let go. "I love you but it doesn't matter any more" "Dunnos" to important questions. We have been talking every day but she's been hurtful and insisted we will never get back together at times, said she's unsure at others. Basically, she is afraid to trust me again as this has happened twice. All this has been going on 2 months and it's been driving me crazy. I have been keen to show her I'm serious about her, I love her, and want to do better and be with her notwithstanding the problems but I feel like this is starting to go on too long now and she's taking advantage of it. I'm scared however that if I do give up and cease contact, it will show her the lack of commitment that I mistakenly failed to show her previously in the face of adversity. Any advice you can offer would be very much appreciated. Just know that I really care about this person a lot and accept my own mistakes in the relationship. It sounds like a case of GiGs, which is when young people (sometimes older), leave good relationships, for no evident reason. My ex went through the same thing. The thing is, she doesn't seem to know what she wants or what she wants to do, as is common in GiGs. The best thing is to just give her her space. That's the only way for you to A) Clear your head and decide if she's worth all this trouble and B) Give her time to make a solid decision about what she wants.
Author Jamie1986 Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 Her reasoning is she doesn't think I'll ever be happy and is afraid we'd both get Hurt again in the situation after 2 breakups. I have been constantly chasing her trying to reassure her that it's not worth losing her over and I'm serious about her. Very limited success we havemst have been texting but I've been carrying it she's been putting no effort in since the breakup. It's hurting me to carry on like this she is pretty cold like she's still hurting after months. But I'm afraid she's testing my resolve and if I stop trying it will confirm her fears
Author Jamie1986 Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 After reading all the NC advice on this forum, I told her that I'm giving her space today for her to make up her mind what she wants and that I'll be here if she wants to talk but I'll assume she is moving on and get on with my life. Entering into NC with her is extremely difficult, we talked all the time before and I miss her already. Really hope she sees sense and comes back to me, I fought so long and so hard for her... 1
Gulf-Delta Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 After reading all the NC advice on this forum, I told her that I'm giving her space today for her to make up her mind what she wants and that I'll be here if she wants to talk but I'll assume she is moving on and get on with my life. Entering into NC with her is extremely difficult, we talked all the time before and I miss her already. Really hope she sees sense and comes back to me, I fought so long and so hard for her... Frankly, you shouldn't have told her anything. Should've just did it...but anyway... YES, its hard and will be for a month or 2. But now's the time to just be a dude. Spend all day in your underway eating junk food. Go to a club, flirt with females. Cook a steak, watch Rambo and have a couple beers. Turn on a sports game as loud as you want../ Do whatever makes you happy...I know it sounds silly now, but really, over time you will appreciate your "singleness". Doesn't mean you have to forget about or hate your ex, but just do whatever makes you happy.
Author Jamie1986 Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 Struggled to avoid texting tonight when I knew she got off work. I really hope this is the right decision. Don't want to lose her forever
Gulf-Delta Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Struggled to avoid texting tonight when I knew she got off work. I really hope this is the right decision. Don't want to lose her forever You already have "lost her" but the thing is, if you guys had something really good, she'll never forget you. You were probably a big part of her life, and people never forget stuff like that. Whether or not she will miss it enough to come back....that's something no one has an answer to...probably not even her...at least not at this point.
Author Jamie1986 Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 It's a scary thing doing this against all my natural instincts to fight for her. It's hard to trust that she's going to come back to me when I've the only one who has been putting any effort into trying to fix things. But if she doesn't love me I guess this will be for the best anyway... if she loved me back my fighting for her would have mattered and the answer to her would be very obvious like it is to me.
Sameold Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 It really is cliche' and I wish I could take my own advice so easily...but seriously stop chasing her and just be aware that in time if it is meant to be she will be the one to repair the damage here. It doesn't matter what has happened she will be in touch. Think about what happened when she broke it off, you want her to one day feel that sense of pull to make it work again. Unfortunately that is the only way things may ever get back to being good again and if she can't do that you're better off without her long term as future problems would probably have occured.
Author Jamie1986 Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 It's hard to believe she's going to feel a sense of pull again when I'm not in her life and she is clearly thinking negatively about me. I can see my mistakes and I want a chance to do better. How can I show her I can do better if I'm not in her life?
Sameold Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 It sounds silly but probably by doing the exact opposite of what you are thinking. Like for me I will prob never see my ex of 4 years again now, she just got up, left and moved to another town. So like you she is not really in my life, I'll never just see her by chance. Also I've blocked her on facebook so that window is shut thankfully. Do I want her back? Yes, but can I affect that? No. You need to realise this, if whatever you had was good then it might trigger thoughts about getting it back, nothing you do will help, you can only cause damage by acting like an annoying half-a-man. I gave myself a month of looking really vulnerable and trying to win my ex back but it got me no where so NC all the way now...and not just to win them back, do it for you! 1
Author Jamie1986 Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 It's catch 22 - I'm really unhappy now we're not speaking, but I'd be unhappy if I was talking to her and she was hurting me over and over. I was making some progress, we were speaking some more, we met up, but she was still saying never back one minute and dunno the next. Just feeling very unsure if now is the time to be doing NC
Sameold Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Everytime you ask to get back with her your credibility dives a little bit deeper. Also, let her miss you! Let her wonder what the heck you're doing with your life if you're not waiting to see/speak to her. It really is rubbish but is it worth keeping someone in your life who is basically just toying with your emotions. She knows she could get back with you whenever she wanted. I don't believe in never trying to win your ex back if she was worth it. Like I say I gave myself a month, I tried different things and it didn't work but I feel admirable and proud that I tried to fight for someone I loved for so long. It sounds like who have fought too now but now is the time to lay down your sword, take off your armour, drink a beer and get on with life. If the princess knocks on the castle gates then great but if she's willingly just sitting up in a tower asking you for breadcrumbs to survive is it really worth it? The answer is no.
Author Jamie1986 Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 The problem is she has said she is struggling to trust me again after I broke up due to the difficulty of the relationship. It feels very counter-intuitive to prove that I won't give up on her again and I want to ride out the storm with her by bailing in this situation.
Frank13 Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 I was making some progress, we were speaking some more, we met up, but she was still saying never back one minute and dunno the next. Just feeling very unsure if now is the time to be doing NC This is the perfect time to do it. She isn't going to have the chance to miss you if you don't go NC. Nothing else has worked, has it? She isn't sure, sometimes saying never and the next minute dunno. Missing you will help her decide.
Author Jamie1986 Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 Feels like it's going to help her make the wrong decision. "He obviously doesn't love me that much anyway he's not talking to me". That's how I'm feeling about her right now.
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