Well I was wrong.

[AlexanderJames]

F*** I'm going f***ing insane!

So many conflicting opinions, so many fears, doubts, hints! I wish I knew what the F*** was going on here.

 

I'm prepared to get hurt, but I want things to work.

I'm expecting to be bailed on but I want to take her out.

I want to drop it, walk away and go back to not talking to her but I dont want to risk losing something amazing that might be in the wind

I want to message her and see if fridays still on and tell her I look forward to seeing her but I dont want to look needy and scare her off.

 

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

I just want to finish work, go to the gym then sleep for 47 years.

[livelife]

I think you should ask her about Friday, but come sooner days, maybe on wednesday, or even thursday. but definitely wait a couple days to hear from her.

[AlexanderJames]

Okay, thursday I'll send her "Hey Still looking good for friday night?"

 

Given I dont hear from her beforehand... Good idea?

[livelife]

Okay, thursday I'll send her "Hey Still looking good for friday night?"

 

Given I dont hear from her beforehand... Good idea?

 

good idea!!

[AlexanderJames]

Maybe you can shed some light on another couple of things.

 

The "accidental" txts meant for others, and the pocket dial? Thoughts?

Leaving her scarf at my house?

And telling me she cant wait for the movies more than once, but then bailing?

 

It's not like she just agreed to see a movie to cover the fact she may have just been using me and then lost interest in the movie after. She has actually stated her excitement and asked to reshedule? Perhaps I shouldnt think too much into the movie scenario.

 

But lets say she does cancel on friday? And doesnt ask to reschedule or anything. What should I do? NC? Or try and make the effort to see her another time? It does my head in making plans then cancelling the day before then having to wait longer only to possibly be cancelled on again. If it's gonna take presistence to get her to spend time with me then thats what I'll do. But even if she bails I'll still have to see her to give her her scarf back. And I know she will ask to see king again because she'd been messaging me saying she missed him already and wanted to see him soon

[livelife]

Maybe you can shed some light on another couple of things.

 

The "accidental" txts meant for others, and the pocket dial? Thoughts?

Leaving her scarf at my house?

And telling me she cant wait for the movies more than once, but then bailing?

 

It's not like she just agreed to see a movie to cover the fact she may have just been using me and then lost interest in the movie after. She has actually stated her excitement and asked to reshedule? Perhaps I shouldnt think too much into the movie scenario.

 

But lets say she does cancel on friday? And doesnt ask to reschedule or anything. What should I do? NC? Or try and make the effort to see her another time? It does my head in making plans then cancelling the day before then having to wait longer only to possibly be cancelled on again. If it's gonna take presistence to get her to spend time with me then thats what I'll do. But even if she bails I'll still have to see her to give her her scarf back. And I know she will ask to see king again because she'd been messaging me saying she missed him already and wanted to see him soon

 

Personal experience: accidental texts don't happen. you do it to get a response out of someone and you do it if you wanna talk to them but...made it seem accidental. she meant to do that. i've done it before. Pocket dial...might have been a mistake...but how soon after the call did she text you? leaving the scarf at your house is a way to see you too. I left my earrings at my ex's so he would see it, think of me, and i had a reason to get them back. little did I think that he would somehow lose them If she bails on friday, go nc. thats crappy thing of her to do if she does bail. shes bothering me with the dog thing. she really needs to stop. maybe you shouldn't let her see the dog, say sorry today isn't a good day. that's a god awful excuse to see someone and she keeps doing it. If the dog was only in her life 5 weeks...yeah..no.

[JesseMartin]

Hey man,

 

I don't know all the details and history of your relationship, and it seems like you've shared quite a lot on this forum, props for that.

 

Here are a couple of my thoughts.

 

Number one, even SHE doesn't KNOW what she's feeling. We humans can't control what we feel, usually we feel something, act on it, and rationalize it afterwards. Very often we're wrong in our diagnosis. I get that you want to know what's going through her mind, but it sounds like your being obsessive about it. Acknowledge the feeling that you want to know what's going through her mind, that's a perfectly legitimate feeling. However, tell yourself that you can't know everything that's going through her mind, and you don't need to, it will not help you.

 

Number two. It seems like this is the second time you're going through this with her, and you're handling yourself better this time. Props for that man, it sounds like you know yourself better this time around. However, I can't agree with the choice you're making. You can't try and move on, but keep the door open for her. Moving on = closing that door. Everything else just involves hollow words and you setting yourself up to being hurt even harder.

 

She doesn't know what she's doing right now man, the whole dog thing is an unconscious thing to keep tabs on you and make sure she isn't making a mistake. The effect however is that you are getting MIND ****ED.

 

I hate to be the one to break it to you man. But you need to break things off. NC for 30 days, then re-evaluate, and probably keep it up for another 60 days. Because honestly man, if you guys are ever going to get back together, it's not going to be in this state (aka soon). This is the time for you to hold on to your self-respect, set your boundaries, and enforce them. No one gets to do this to you, it doesn't matter who it is.

 

I think you know what to do.

[AlexanderJames]

I responded to the accidental txts with "yeah I cant wait for tuesday to hurry up either" I was drunk and assumed she was saying the movie date needed to hurry up lol. She said it was meant for someone else and she was pretty drunk. I dont think I replied. I might have said oh okay no worries. But it definitely didnt initiate conversation?

 

The next day I txt her bout her scarf she replied "ohhh noooo" instantly. I replied saying I'll give it to you tuesday If i dont see you before then. I got no reply for about an hour then I got her call. I txt her after hanging up saying "Please dont call me when youre with another guy"

She responded straight away with "what?". Then being the smart arse I am replied topically with "I dont know if theres a carpark carwash at collonades but if there was I wouldnt trust them with my car". To show I heard their convo briefly.

She replied straight away again with "LOL soz! That was an accident, I'm at home with mates over sorry"

 

Thats what I thought with the scarf, but it was under my blankets on my bed. So she could have legit forgot it because she didnt put it there it just kinda got kicked there.

 

Yeah just confused as to why she would when she made it seem like she was so excited to go to the movies.... Now you see what I mean by I wish girls made their intentions obvious haha

 

As for the dog, I dont know if talking to me about king is a way of incinuating that she's talking about me.. Like reading between the lines. What if "I miss him so much I want to cuddle him" is her way of telling me she misses me and wants to see me? I know I've spoken for the dog subliminally talking about my own feelings and missing her. Because truth be told when she comes over to see him, she really doesnt pay that much attention to him at all.

[AlexanderJames]

Hey man,

 

I don't know all the details and history of your relationship, and it seems like you've shared quite a lot on this forum, props for that.

 

Here are a couple of my thoughts.

 

Number one, even SHE doesn't KNOW what she's feeling. We humans can't control what we feel, usually we feel something, act on it, and rationalize it afterwards. Very often we're wrong in our diagnosis. I get that you want to know what's going through her mind, but it sounds like your being obsessive about it. Acknowledge the feeling that you want to know what's going through her mind, that's a perfectly legitimate feeling. However, tell yourself that you can't know everything that's going through her mind, and you don't need to, it will not help you.

 

Number two. It seems like this is the second time you're going through this with her, and you're handling yourself better this time. Props for that man, it sounds like you know yourself better this time around. However, I can't agree with the choice you're making. You can't try and move on, but keep the door open for her. Moving on = closing that door. Everything else just involves hollow words and you setting yourself up to being hurt even harder.

 

She doesn't know what she's doing right now man, the whole dog thing is an unconscious thing to keep tabs on you and make sure she isn't making a mistake. The effect however is that you are getting MIND ****ED.

 

I hate to be the one to break it to you man. But you need to break things off. NC for 30 days, then re-evaluate, and probably keep it up for another 60 days. Because honestly man, if you guys are ever going to get back together, it's not going to be in this state (aka soon). This is the time for you to hold on to your self-respect, set your boundaries, and enforce them. No one gets to do this to you, it doesn't matter who it is.

 

I think you know what to do.

 

Thanks for the props mate and thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. Yeah I've got a lot on here.. Its a pretty good place to vent.

 

Completely agree with your first point. Down to a tee. I'm starting to obsess again. And should just go with the flow more and let the situation run its course.

 

Second point leaves me somewhat lost for words haha. I thought I was doing the right thing in keeping myself distant but giving her the building blocks and time to rediscover feelings for me?

The first time around we both acted very different. She was very emotionally detached and I was very emotionally vulnerable. And it fell apart. Second time around she's very emotionally open and comfortable with me and I'm much more level headed and down to earth. I've learned a lot about myself in the past 6 months.

 

Beginning to move on and be happy is what has brought her back to me recently. Fighting for her only seemed to push her away? So what do you suggest I do? That would be the third time I go NC for 30+ days. The first we broke it and started casually sleeping together leading to mixed feelings, confusion, moving too fast and us both being hurt.

The second time, leading up to current circumstances has brought her back to me more open, emotionally available and far less distant and detached that the last. If hanging with her is making her feel things for me again, granted it might be scared her a little this week, then should I keep doing it? What is doing NC for a third time going to do? If I plan to do it for a prolonged period of time and ignore her attempts to talk to me or see my dog?

 

Please indulge me.

[JesseMartin]

I think you're right in your diagnosis.

 

I think being more in touch with yourself, and less needy towards her, is going to be a big contributor to her being more available towards you.

 

But let me ask you this man, who is control right now?

 

Sounds to me like she is, and you need to get to a place where you are the one in control.

 

I believe you when you say you've learnt a lot about yourself over the last 6 month, that's awesome. But the door is still open to her, you just rearranged the furniture. This has caught her interest to some degree, but to create something strong, healthy and lasting - with anyone - you need to take your fundaments in consideration. You need to rebuild the house my man.

 

I have a couple of friends who are in healthy, longlasting relationships. One of the things that really stuck with me when I asked them about it is the following.

 

They were all willing to walk away if certain boundaries were crossed by their beloved.

 

It seems kind of counterintuitive, but it's a healthy mindset to have. You value yourself above your relationship. You NEED to value yourself above your relationship, because your relationship is built on your identity. Your identity therefore must be strong. That will put you in a better place, as well as make her more attracted to you.

 

It sounds to me that she's in control. Rearranging the furniture has caught her interest to some degree, but I'm afraid that if your fundaments aren't solid, she'll pick up on that.

 

NC will give you time and the opportunity to inflect, and lay those fundaments brick by brick once and for all.

 

In terms of what you should do. Try and be objective. Where is this going? If the answer is not a CLEAR and INDISPUTABLE UP (towards getting back together) than you should cut your losses now.

 

If what you guys is as strong as you may think it is, time apart shouldn't ruin things.

[AlexanderJames]

I think you're right in your diagnosis.

 

I think being more in touch with yourself, and less needy towards her, is going to be a big contributor to her being more available towards you.

 

But let me ask you this man, who is control right now?

 

Sounds to me like she is, and you need to get to a place where you are the one in control.

 

I believe you when you say you've learnt a lot about yourself over the last 6 month, that's awesome. But the door is still open to her, you just rearranged the furniture. This has caught her interest to some degree, but to create something strong, healthy and lasting - with anyone - you need to take your fundaments in consideration. You need to rebuild the house my man.

 

I have a couple of friends who are in healthy, longlasting relationships. One of the things that really stuck with me when I asked them about it is the following.

 

They were all willing to walk away if certain boundaries were crossed by their beloved.

 

It seems kind of counterintuitive, but it's a healthy mindset to have. You value yourself above your relationship. You NEED to value yourself above your relationship, because your relationship is built on your identity. Your identity therefore must be strong. That will put you in a better place, as well as make her more attracted to you.

 

It sounds to me that she's in control. Rearranging the furniture has caught her interest to some degree, but I'm afraid that if your fundaments aren't solid, she'll pick up on that.

 

NC will give you time and the opportunity to inflect, and lay those fundaments brick by brick once and for all.

 

In terms of what you should do. Try and be objective. Where is this going? If the answer is not a CLEAR and INDISPUTABLE UP (towards getting back together) than you should cut your losses now.

 

If what you guys is as strong as you may think it is, time apart shouldn't ruin things.

 

Ummm... S***. Haha. Wow this is some pretty eye opening advice mate.

How old are you? If you dont mind

 

I dont know who is in control. I've been and felt in control over much of whats happened as of late. If you ever take the time to read up on my story you'll see that. I dont think that me welcoming her into my home to see my dog is giving her the power. It's more or less being mature. Asking her to the movies, did that give her power? I can't see that it did. But her cancelling and dictating when and if it happens, thats definitely her taking a hold of the steering wheel. Which is precisely why I said I wasnt heaps keen on chasing her up about it. And letting her come to me if she actually valued the time sent with me enough to initiate the outing. That and if she bailed on friday I would just walk away and start up NC again. But not ignore her if she came knocking.. Do you think I should ignore her?

 

I am willing to walk away from it all if it doesnt make the progress I desire. Is that a similar mindset to your mates? But you say cut my losses? What do you mean? Because cutting my losses to me means dropping it, bowing out of the fight and forgetting about her. But you follow up with if what we have is strong then time apart shouldnt matter. Thats a bit contradictive to you saying I cant leave the door open and move on at the same time cause everything will be hollow....

 

I dont mean to undermine you advice because I really appreciate it it's been some of the most eye opening advice I've recieved. But I cant help but notice a few confusing loopholes...

[JesseMartin]

I am willing to walk away from it all if it doesnt make the progress I desire. Is that a similar mindset to your mates? But you say cut my losses? What do you mean? Because cutting my losses to me means dropping it, bowing out of the fight and forgetting about her. But you follow up with if what we have is strong then time apart shouldnt matter. Thats a bit contradictive to you saying I cant leave the door open and move on at the same time cause everything will be hollow....

 

I dont mean to undermine you advice because I really appreciate it it's been some of the most eye opening advice I've recieved. But I cant help but notice a few confusing loopholes...

 

By cut your losses, I mean accept the pain going NC will put you through right now, because I believe it will be less than what you'll be put through if this keeps going on.

 

I feel like you're saying you're not letting go just yet, because you don't want to throw away what could have been. What I meant with time apart not mattering was a response to that argument. Your reason for not closing the door is that you might lose something that might have been fantastic. I'm saying, if you lose it by closing that door, it wasn't that fantastic in the first place. I advocate closing the door, but no one knows what the future has in store for us.

 

To move on, the door needs to be closed. That's not to say that your paths will never cross again. But what it does mean, that you should no longer think or hope that that will be the case. A little bit confusing, I admit. But thinking in those terms gave me a little more peace of mind, back in the day.

 

The fact of the matter is, you're in a toxic place right now. You're obsessing over this girl, and she's unwittingly messing with your mind.

 

But honestly man, it sounds to me that this is the time for you to step up and take control over your life, your feelings and the people you associate with.

 

I think the mindset you described is definitely in the direction of what I set out. Set some boundaries for yourself. If things aren't improving, be consistent, stick to what you promised yourself and eject. You'll be making a choice for YOU. And that, my friend, will be the best thing you'll ever do.

[AlexanderJames]

Yeah I get what your saying.

I should probably add that if I was to start up NC with the intentions of moving on like I did the first time that it would be a lot easier than going NC with the intentions of getting her to come back to me. Because with the first, I'm setting my sights on life without her. But on the latter, I'm waiting to hear from her.

 

Yeah I'll admit i've been obsessing a bit but only in the last 3 or days. Before that when I was adamant about moving on (because I thought she was just being spiteful and cruel to me) I was fine, I hardly thought about her. It hasnt been until she has started opening up, admitting to feeling sad without me and wanting to see me that my thoughts have started being more often about her. If this is her trying to step back through the door and get back together with me I dont see that I should close the door on it. For now, or forever.

 

You're coming at it from a point of view that she has no interest in me at all. IF this is the case then I intend to do precisely as you say. But until I know what her intentions are I have to be content with being confused and unhappy I suppose. For now at least..

[AlexanderJames]

If things aren't improving, be consistent, stick to what you promised yourself and eject.

 

This is and has been the plan from the start of this thread. To observe where it goes, without diving in head first like I did the first time. And walk away if it doesnt lead where I would like.

 

But rest assured I am prepared for the worst.

[JesseMartin]

You're coming at it from a point of view that she has no interest in me at all. IF this is the case then I intend to do precisely as you say. But until I know what her intentions are I have to be content with being confused and unhappy I suppose. For now at least..

 

Overall you're getting what I'm saying, but I feel this point you might be misinterpreting my words. I think you'll never know exactly if she's into you or not. It's probably some weird mixture inbetween and knowledge thereof won't help you in any way. That's the reason you need to set boundaries and stick to them. If she's not into you, you're path is simple. It's this messy inbetween road that will be the hardest to break free from.

[RogerWallace111]

I dig and agree with a lot of jesse's advice. However, I don't feel like going nc right now will mean closure for you, or that you'll be closing any door and moving on. No contact at this exact point would inevitably, deep down, and no matter how much you tried to convince yourself otherwise, be another tactic to try and get her back.

 

The way I see it, your best option is to talk to her after Friday night, whether you guys end up meeting up or not, and ask in the most calm, collected and confident way you can where she wants things to go (regardless of if she bails, or you hangout, have sex, whatever...) Say very cool-ly that you still really enjoy spending time with her but if she doesnt want to try again you see it as a dead end path, and don't understand the point. Say something like that as opposed to "I still love you but if you don't want to try again this is gonna keep hurting me too much". She'll respond saying it's not gonna go anywhere further than the current arrangement, that she's still unsure, or that she wants to try a fresh start. Then you can choose whether to initiate nc.

 

That's my hypothetical take on the possible turn of events. Hahaa.

[AlexanderJames]

Jesse - I can tell you've got some great advice to give me. But my brain isnt functioning properly and I think I'm missing some vital parts haha.

 

Roger - You're spot on as usual mate.

 

As for the way you see it thats where the predicament is. I had planned to take her to the movies, then when the night was over (no sex or anything just drop her off or get dropped off after the movie and that be it for the night) I was going to say "I've really enjoyed spending time with you lately. Things have felt perfect for the first time in a while. I'll be thinking about you" - maybe leaving out the things feeling perfect bit I'm not sure, thoughts? - and leaving it at that and not engaging contact with her thereon for a while until she showed interest and intent to spend more time with me. Like leaving it at it's best so she wants to spend more time with me without me initiating contact or hanging out.

 

I fear that if I say what you suggest after friday night I will be pushing her into a corner again and making her come to a decision about us and what she wants before she's neccessarily ready to do so. Last time I did that I got "I feel nothing and we wont ever be anything". Which was in fact a lie. But it still hurt haha.

 

So what it comes down to is I need to find the balance. The midway between not rushing her, but not being strung on myself. And making the decision based on when I think that time is.. Can you agree with this?

[AlexanderJames]

But that said, if she bailed on tonight because she was afraid of rushing back into things but then comes out with me Friday maybe it would be safe to assume she was ready for the chat. Because she's taking the plunge and coming out with me when she knows it could lead to resurfacing feelings.

 

Ah well no point wondering too much bout it. She might well bail on Friday too. I'll keep you posted!

[RogerWallace111]

I can agree, though it'll be a difficult balance to find. You know what her tendencies are, and it seems like you've prepared yourself to endure her indecision if it may lead to getting her back. And that's a perfectly legit decision if another chance would mean as much to as it does. Just hang in there, bud, and remind yourself that should it not work out there are gonna be other prospects that, once you delve into them, have the potential to be amazing as well...

[livelife]

But that said, if she bailed on tonight because she was afraid of rushing back into things but then comes out with me Friday maybe it would be safe to assume she was ready for the chat. Because she's taking the plunge and coming out with me when she knows it could lead to resurfacing feelings.

 

Ah well no point wondering too much bout it. She might well bail on Friday too. I'll keep you posted!

 

How are you doing today?

[AlexanderJames]

Roger - Thanks for the support mate Can always count on you haha.

 

Livelife - I have no idea /: I've only been up 30 minutes, its 8:30 in the am here.

Firstly when I woke up I felt like absolute s***. I didnt message her yesterday so thats a win for me but she didnt contact me either. I know its only a day but in the week leading up to saturday night she was the one who contacted me almost every day. And since then the only time she's initiated it has been to tell me she cant go to the movies tuesday. I started the convos all the other times. So I cant help but feel she's got in touch, got what she wanted and is just phasing me out again. So I'm feeling a bit used today. But like I said it's been only a day without either of us talking so I cant really just come to a conclusion based on a 24 hr period of no contact.. And she need's to see me to get her scarf unless she just organises it with the housemate or something.

 

I dunno, I'd come so far with myself over the course of NC and moving on. I was happy. Now she's back in the picture and I feel like I'm not in control any more. Like my feelings are on the loose again. I'm getting the sick feelings, and the hurting back. I'm starting to feel like a relationship with my ex is there, but it's a cold broken body and our feelings for each other are hopelessly stuck on life support with no hope of bringing life back to the body... Maybe I should pull the plug. If she doesnt ask to see me friday night? Because I dont know if this is whats best for me.

 

Her stepping back through the door and being the way she was on the weekend pretty much opened up the flood gates and let so much crap, good and bad, flow back in. I think the excitement and potential to go back to what we had blinded me to what "I" want and whats best for "me".

 

I'm stuck in a limbo. And I think that what I NEED to do is either let her go again if friday falls through. Or go out with her friday and ask her whats going to happen and either make us, or break us once and for all.

[livelife]

I agree. Friday should be the deciding factor of the relationship as bad as that is.

[AlexanderJames]

If I dig my head in, ride it out and put up with her playing these games, being unsure, bailing on me, distancing herself or whatever the F*** she is doing will it lead to her coming back to me? Maybe so.

 

Do I want to suffer in such a way for something that might not happen? No.

 

Does she still have feelings for me? Does she think about me? Does she MISS me? That I am certain.

But sometimes that's not enough is it.

[livelife]

If I dig my head in, ride it out and put up with her playing these games, being unsure, bailing on me, distancing herself or whatever the F*** she is doing will it lead to her coming back to me? Maybe so.

 

Do I want to suffer in such a way for something that might not happen? No.

 

Does she still have feelings for me? Does she think about me? Does she MISS me? That I am certain.

But sometimes that's not enough is it.

 

You'll soon find that you are fed up with all of this and when she comes crying to you one day you won't care for it. That's kinda how I felt today when my ex texted me, I don't even know why he texted me if he wasn't going to ask me to hang out. I told him to text me if he wanted to hang out, I could care less for this little petty talk if he has no purpose to it, you know? We both wil soon get fed up and it will be too late for our ex's when they want us back. So sorry.

[AlexanderJames]

Yeah you're right. I thought I was there once before but then when she came back acting the way she did when we dated I crumbled... I wasn't ready.

 

And I did the same thing. I told my ex never to contact me unless she wanted to get back together. Then when she contacted me I didnt know if it was because she wanted me back or if she was being a B****. All it did was frustrate me haha.

 

If I start NC it will be with the intentions of moving on at first. But something tells me it will waiver to feeding me with the urge to make her come back to me. But that wouldn't be permanent as time goes by. I hope haha.

 

I mean reading back on this thread and the last couple before it. Going NC and moving on seems to be what brought her back and made her make the effort to see me. Even if it was just so she could feel needed still or to get an ego boost. So I have a feeling it would have a repeated affect on her if I disappeared again.

 

Makes me wish I resisted temptation and didnt sleep with her tbh.. That would have really shown her I enjoy her company but dont NEED it or the physical comforts from her I can satisfy those needs elsewhere.... Oh well if she ever asks to see king with me there or if she wants to come in after the movie and tries to initiate it I'll know what to do this time haha.