daphne Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 So I've been dating a new fella for a few weeks. We're getting to know each other really well. He accepts that we're on a slow roll and that I just want us to get to know each other. On paper, we have very similar core values. We don't have as many common interests. However, the last guy I dated and I did and he turned out to be unprincely, so I think I've learned that core values are more important than common interests. The new guy treats me very, very well. And thank God we have a strong mutual attraction. Somehow, I've managed to be really open with him, unlike I've been for a really long time. We both are. But at times, I get overwhelmed and I need more time to myself to digest it. Because it's so new, I don't want to get snookered again and want to wait to form a real opinion on him. But so far, his actions match his words all of the time. I guess we'll see if he can continue it. Maintaining openness in the early stages is fairly scary. What if he's just good on paper? What if I find something out that will make me wish I had been more reserved? I guess the only thing I can really do is to keep it slow and spend time with him. TIme reveals all. But in the meantime, I do get occasionally very anxious that he's going to turn out to be a complete ass like some of the others. I wish I could relax all of the time and just go with the flow. But I think the last time I did, I got sucker punched.
amaysngrace Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 I agree with the going slow and all but what happened to you in the past to make you so jaded?
Shaun-Dro Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 So I've been dating a new fella for a few weeks. We're getting to know each other really well. He accepts that we're on a slow roll and that I just want us to get to know each other. On paper, we have very similar core values. We don't have as many common interests. However, the last guy I dated and I did and he turned out to be unprincely, so I think I've learned that core values are more important than common interests. The new guy treats me very, very well. And thank God we have a strong mutual attraction. Somehow, I've managed to be really open with him, unlike I've been for a really long time. We both are. But at times, I get overwhelmed and I need more time to myself to digest it. Because it's so new, I don't want to get snookered again and want to wait to form a real opinion on him. But so far, his actions match his words all of the time. I guess we'll see if he can continue it. Maintaining openness in the early stages is fairly scary. What if he's just good on paper? What if I find something out that will make me wish I had been more reserved? I guess the only thing I can really do is to keep it slow and spend time with him. TIme reveals all. But in the meantime, I do get occasionally very anxious that he's going to turn out to be a complete ass like some of the others. I wish I could relax all of the time and just go with the flow. But I think the last time I did, I got sucker punched. Hey you! Don't annoy him. Be fortunate that he's treating you well unlike guys like me who'd delight in mistreating you just for the hell of it. If you look for reasons to rock the boat, he will turn into an ass. Believe it!
Author daphne Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 In my experience, I have had a lot of guys that were in a rush to talk about the future and even make plans. However, sometimes their actions were shady later down the road. I don't like being swept off my feet. It feels like a roller coaster and has never turned out well. So I correlate it to deception. (in response to Amasyn)
amaysngrace Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Yea I can understand that. So if he starts planning a trip for you guys for next winter or something then run but if he's willing to take it one day at a time then go with it.
truth_seeker Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 So I've been dating a new fella for a few weeks. We're getting to know each other really well. He accepts that we're on a slow roll and that I just want us to get to know each other. On paper, we have very similar core values. We don't have as many common interests. However, the last guy I dated and I did and he turned out to be unprincely, so I think I've learned that core values are more important than common interests. The new guy treats me very, very well. And thank God we have a strong mutual attraction. Somehow, I've managed to be really open with him, unlike I've been for a really long time. We both are. But at times, I get overwhelmed and I need more time to myself to digest it. Because it's so new, I don't want to get snookered again and want to wait to form a real opinion on him. But so far, his actions match his words all of the time. I guess we'll see if he can continue it. Maintaining openness in the early stages is fairly scary. What if he's just good on paper? What if I find something out that will make me wish I had been more reserved? I guess the only thing I can really do is to keep it slow and spend time with him. TIme reveals all. But in the meantime, I do get occasionally very anxious that he's going to turn out to be a complete ass like some of the others. I wish I could relax all of the time and just go with the flow. But I think the last time I did, I got sucker punched. I understand how you feel but this what makes dating so crazy. You have to go with the flow but also keep your guard up a bit. Enjoy getting to know this guy but be prepared for any red flags. The trick is not to get too attached too soon. Make sure you have a good feel for him before letting him into your heart. Nothing worse then falling for someone and finding out they're a loser.
Author daphne Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 Continue moving and dial back the over-thinking Isn't that the fun part of early dating? I understand how you feel but this what makes dating so crazy. You have to go with the flow but also keep your guard up a bit. Enjoy getting to know this guy but be prepared for any red flags. The trick is not to get too attached too soon. Make sure you have a good feel for him before letting him into your heart. Nothing worse then falling for someone and finding out they're a loser. Hear hear. That happened a long time ago and man did I feel stupid. My friends still don't know what I was thinking. It's kind of difficult not to get excited tho, when he comes across as the kind of moral guy I've wanted for a long, long time. I just gave up on it, because I thought I was expecting fairies to exist in this day and age.
carhill Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 "Quote: Originally Posted by carhill Continue moving and dial back the over-thinking" Isn't that the fun part of early dating? The moving or the over-thinking? IMO, if you accept the focus on the minute details as fun and separate it from the general flow of intimacy-building, I'd say yes. The generalized excitement of 'clicking' with a person one is attracted to is a wonderful feeling. If that's what you're describing, I'll retract my opinion. I was seeing details and comparisons and analysis, along with the title of 'Too good to be true?' I think you're way overdue for your carriage ride to the castle
Author daphne Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 unprincely? What does this mean? Holy cow! If you would indulge me, at least for my own entertainment value, I am really curious to hear your definition of this. I have never heard of such a term in my life. It's a euphemism for a$$ clown. And why are there so many Sid's running around here?
Author daphne Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 "Quote: Originally Posted by carhill Continue moving and dial back the over-thinking" Isn't that the fun part of early dating? The moving or the over-thinking? IMO, if you accept the focus on the minute details as fun and separate it from the general flow of intimacy-building, I'd say yes. The generalized excitement of 'clicking' with a person one is attracted to is a wonderful feeling. If that's what you're describing, I'll retract my opinion. I was seeing details and comparisons and analysis, along with the title of 'Too good to be true?' I think you're way overdue for your carriage ride to the castle I would agree to that last sentiment. I was joking, and referring to over thinking as being fun. The excitement spooks me a little. Probably since I'm long overdue to meet a truly decent guy that has his act together. And btw, as one over analyzer to another, I'll stop when you stop!
carhill Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 I have a question.... What about maintaining openness in the early stages is scary? Does this nuance of fear align with the 'too good to be true' fear?
Author daphne Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 I have a question.... What about maintaining openness in the early stages is scary? Does this nuance of fear align with the 'too good to be true' fear? Yes. I've had a couple of false starts over the past years that started out somewhat similarly. I was only open the first time. That cut the deepest. Although now we're fb friends. lol
carhill Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Does open mean being vulnerable? Sharing bits of secret joys and fears? I'll use an example: As we developed intimacy, my exW shared very difficult and painful issues from her childhood that still impacted her in her late 30's, ostensibly with the goal of my achieving better understanding of who she was. This was very difficult for her, even after past therapy. I could see fear there. This occurred before we began sexual intimacy. How does it go for you? What I'm seeking to better understand are the nuances which would prompt such an apparently healthy beginning to be ascribed 'too good to be true' rather than 'I met my next husband!' (overstated but you get the idea).
Author daphne Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 Does open mean being vulnerable? Sharing bits of secret joys and fears? I'll use an example: As we developed intimacy, my exW shared very difficult and painful issues from her childhood that still impacted her in her late 30's, ostensibly with the goal of my achieving better understanding of who she was. This was very difficult for her, even after past therapy. I could see fear there. This occurred before we began sexual intimacy. How does it go for you? What I'm seeking to better understand are the nuances which would prompt such an apparently healthy beginning to be ascribed 'too good to be true' rather than 'I met my next husband!' (overstated but you get the idea). I think there's a little bit of fear of being vulnerable. But it's mostly that I'm afraid of thinking the best of someone, only to be disappointed that I was naive and overly optimistic. I'm afraid to get my hopes up that there is a man with integrity out there. :/
carhill Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 I would presume you see examples of men with honor and integrity all the time, just as I experience such women in life. Perhaps they are not available and/or interested, but they exist, supporting the potential that a man you meet, like this man, can be similar. Is it possible to feel comfortable thinking the best of someone unless and until they give you reason otherwise? I think so. That's definitely within the realm of the possible and not 'too good to be true', IMO. Identifying the fear is the first step. You're there. Now work it. Draw inspiration from positive and 'good' actions by your dating partner. Focus on the 'fun' you talked about as an assuagement of fear. See the fun as the valid reality. Embrace it. Bla, bla 1
Shaun-Dro Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 I would agree to that last sentiment. I was joking, and referring to over thinking as being fun. The excitement spooks me a little. Probably since I'm long overdue to meet a truly decent guy that has his act together. And btw, as one over analyzer to another, I'll stop when you stop! I'm willing to bet anything that you'll find a way to mess this thing up. I also don't care if you reply to me or not. It'll just solidify my sharp opinion of how women are and will always be until proven wrong.
Author daphne Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 (edited) I would presume you see examples of men with honor and integrity all the time, just as I experience such women in life. Perhaps they are not available and/or interested, but they exist, supporting the potential that a man you meet, like this man, can be similar. Is it possible to feel comfortable thinking the best of someone unless and until they give you reason otherwise? I think so. That's definitely within the realm of the possible and not 'too good to be true', IMO. Identifying the fear is the first step. You're there. Now work it. Draw inspiration from positive and 'good' actions by your dating partner. Focus on the 'fun' you talked about as an assuagement of fear. See the fun as the valid reality. Embrace it. Bla, bla I wouldn't say all of the time. I occasionally see someone that I believe has it. I have yet to see anyone I've ever dated have it. Even the one guy I thought did, ended up cheating on his wife, lying to his mistress, then relieving himself of all guilt by blaming the mistress and calling her psycho. People change. Or maybe I never knew him. Who knows. Edited July 6, 2012 by daphne
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 You'd be a fool not to be apprehensive and cautious daphne, however you cannot simply progress within a relationship/dating without trust. Most people I see "trying to do it right" so to speak is just waiting, waiting, waiting...seeing, seeing, seeing, but they're not doing anything in the meantime that's actually making this whole waiting/learning process worth it. The goal is not to wait just for the sake of waiting and seeing his true colors or intentions, that's just a way to filter some men out...however it's about learning, understanding and reading beyond the words and so called actions that a man initially presents as promising. I don't simply build a bridge by standing in front of a lake and starring at the other side, I have a plan, a strategy...I'm gathering the materials, trying to predict faults or possible problems that would obstruct this endeavor. It's about being proactive, not somewhat passive and patient. Whenever I hear from a woman in your situation I know that these kinds of situations aren't just happening...I feel that the learning process has been slow, picking up the flags, intents and figuring out these men has been unsuccessful. To understand the mistakes you made you have to look back in the past and see what caused yourself to be misled, what did you ignore? what questions or information didn't you get that you should have? reflecting on the past and your mistakes is how you move forward...not just flipping a coin hoping to get lucky and this will be the next guy...women who do that find themselves on a never-ending carousel until someday they just give up and settle for a man they are more sure that wouldn't cheat or be dishonest with men...all the while maintaining their level of insecurity and gaining no personal growth/knowledge from it...not enough anyway to know what they did wrong, they just do things a different way these days or avoid it altogether or even men altogether. 1
bac Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 On paper, we have very similar core values. We don't have as many common interests. Somehow, I've managed to be really open with him, unlike I've been for a really long time. We both are. But at times, I get overwhelmed and I need more time to myself to digest it. Maintaining openness in the early stages is fairly scary. What if he's just good on paper? What if I find something out that will make me wish I had been more reserved? But I think the last time I did, I got sucker punched. You might not want to repeat the same things that you did the last time because they did not work out well for you. You should not be too open in the early stages unless you want to regret that later. IMO It is not about bad guys you have met, but it is about you living in a fantasy world where you expect to meet a perfect guy who you can trust unconditionally. Some men do declare great core values at the begining of dating but it is just the right thing to do if they want a serious R. I think that having interests in common is important for a R. If you want to get to know a man, you should know the real facts about him, his personality, his past and his past Rs. Facts are real things. Ask him questions and try to make him open about himself and his values. His real values can be figured out by his behavior in the past and in the present especially in stressful situations. The declaration of wonderful intentions can be anything including the white lies.
FitChick Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 you cannot simply progress within a relationship/dating without trust. To understand the mistakes you made you have to look back in the past and see what caused yourself to be misled, what did you ignore? what questions or information didn't you get that you should have? That's the crux of the problem.
Author daphne Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 You'd be a fool not to be apprehensive and cautious daphne, however you cannot simply progress within a relationship/dating without trust. Most people I see "trying to do it right" so to speak is just waiting, waiting, waiting...seeing, seeing, seeing, but they're not doing anything in the meantime that's actually making this whole waiting/learning process worth it. The goal is not to wait just for the sake of waiting and seeing his true colors or intentions, that's just a way to filter some men out...however it's about learning, understanding and reading beyond the words and so called actions that a man initially presents as promising. I don't simply build a bridge by standing in front of a lake and starring at the other side, I have a plan, a strategy...I'm gathering the materials, trying to predict faults or possible problems that would obstruct this endeavor. It's about being proactive, not somewhat passive and patient. Whenever I hear from a woman in your situation I know that these kinds of situations aren't just happening...I feel that the learning process has been slow, picking up the flags, intents and figuring out these men has been unsuccessful. To understand the mistakes you made you have to look back in the past and see what caused yourself to be misled, what did you ignore? what questions or information didn't you get that you should have? reflecting on the past and your mistakes is how you move forward...not just flipping a coin hoping to get lucky and this will be the next guy...women who do that find themselves on a never-ending carousel until someday they just give up and settle for a man they are more sure that wouldn't cheat or be dishonest with men...all the while maintaining their level of insecurity and gaining no personal growth/knowledge from it...not enough anyway to know what they did wrong, they just do things a different way these days or avoid it altogether or even men altogether. The things I ignored, or discovered that led to the end of relationships I keep in mind. My biggest mistake, was assuming that people would operate the way I would and not trusting my intuition. I think also that sometimes women see something they really like about a guy. Last time it was extreme commonality. I thought this has to be it. No one else is as like me as this guy. And instead of paying attention to the character of the person, we think it'll all work out because they must also have the same priorities. Character comes first. Everything else is fairly superficial to me at this point. Although I won't date a man I'm not attracted to. If you want to get to know a man, you should know the real facts about him, his personality, his past and his past Rs. Facts are real things. Ask him questions and try to make him open about himself and his values. His real values can be figured out by his behavior in the past and in the present especially in stressful situations. The declaration of wonderful intentions can be anything including the white lies. THe fantasy world thing was kind of odd and far reaching. I do ask questions, but fortunately he volunteers much. Even things that may not put him in the best light. I'd rather get to know the real him. I guess I'm not going to know his character in a short period of time.
Heart Of A Lion Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Don't follow a line of logic like "too good to be true", that's a negative attitude by default and it is unfair in its very own nature. Give people a chance. There are still good people out there. 1
truth_seeker Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 I think there's a little bit of fear of being vulnerable. But it's mostly that I'm afraid of thinking the best of someone, only to be disappointed that I was naive and overly optimistic. I'm afraid to get my hopes up that there is a man with integrity out there. :/ I know I am a man of integrity and I continually meet flakes. Why is that? I wish all of the flakes would connect with all of the scumbags to eliminate them from the dating pool. Leaving just the good ones to meet each other. Who's with me?
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