dextm Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 (edited) I asked a girl out. We went out twice within 9 days. We've talked about so many far-ranging topics such as books, movies, hobbies, ex'es, dating, relationships, marriage, sex, education, innocence, corruption, traveling, childhood, etc. We text each other constantly and we've chatted into the wee hours of the night on multiple occasions. Does this seem normal for people who just met? Is she scoping me out for info or does she have an agenda? What's the best way to find out if she "likes" me? I already kinda asked her this but she gave me a weird answer...she says "she enjoys my company and conversations but not sure if we have a spark". The thing is, there must be some kinda spark if she's spending so much time with me. What kind of normal, busy girl would spend so much time talking with someone that appears to be insignificant? What kind of girl would change the way they act, speak, and behave if they honestly didn't "like" the other person? i.e. she is more well behaved/focused/attentive in private setting vs group setting, she said she would never go on a date with a guy if he didn't pay on the first date (i countered saying everything should be close to 50/50 but also noted that a guy will lose a lot of opportunities if he doesn't pay on the first date). So then what did she do? She tried to steal the bill on our first dinner outing together but I obviously stopped her and paid for it. Stuff like that. Why would she bother and attempt to pay??? Not sure what to do at this point. Continue chasing and hope for the best or quit now when things are uncertain? She's already stated multiple times that she likes that we are "opposites". She likes a unpredictable, mysterious life whereas I want more of a direct, linear path. And she's older than me....I'm 25, guessing she's 27! Edited July 5, 2012 by dextm
Feelsgoodman Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I already kinda asked her this but she gave me a weird answer...she says "she enjoys my company and conversations but not sure if we have a spark". The thing is, there must be some kinda spark if she's spending so much time with me. Nope. You're forgetting something called "attention whoring". If she gave you the whole "no spark" excuse, you can rest assured that you will not be making any deposits in her storage box, if you know what I mean. What kind of normal, busy girl would spend so much time talking with someone that appears to be insignificant? What kind of girl would change the way they act, speak, and behave if they honestly didn't "like" the other person? She likes you well enough as a blue-balled admirer/platonic friend who listens to her problems and gives her attention and validation she needs to feel good about herself. 1
veggirl Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 If she says she is unsure of a spark, she is likely just using you for an ego boost / attention / comfort. Is she recently out of an R or anything? If I was interested in a guy and he said he wasn't sure if there was "spark" I'd say sayonara. I caution you not to get attached to this girl. 2
MrCastle Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Freaking feelsgoodman Dude drops knowledge bombs in every thread I walk into.
carhill Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 What's the best way to find out if she "likes" me? Date someone else. As your BFF, she'll be proactively supportive and interested in your dating life. As your erstwhile lover, she'll be jealous of your newfound dating interest As your mind-fµcker, she'll be annoyed by your lack of attention to her Good luck. 4
Author dextm Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 You're her new BFF. How so? She already has 4 best friends. Why would she need another one? Majority of her friends are male too so I'm sure she gets enough attention. Nope. You're forgetting something called "attention whoring". If she gave you the whole "no spark" excuse, you can rest assured that you will not be making any deposits in her storage box, if you know what I mean. Meanwhile half her questions/discussions on our second outing was filled with sexual tension... I don't feel that she's attention whoring. If anything, it seems like she's trying to put all her attention on me with the plethora of ridiculous, random questions she asks me. She likes you well enough as a blue-balled admirer/platonic friend who listens to her problems and gives her attention and validation she needs to feel good about herself.Sure she mentioned her life struggles but these are struggles that everyone goes through, myself included. It wasn't the focal point of our conversation and I actually had to dig deep to claw this information out. It felt uncomfortable for her and she didn't voluntarily release it. On our first date, she said "it's pointless to talk about irrelevant topics such as life struggles, failures, issues as it adds no value to the conversation overall and just makes the overall mood depressing". She also asked me "if she told me everything, would it change the way I think about her?" and I said "no". So it appears that she doesn't need me to make her feel good about herself. If she says she is unsure of a spark, she is likely just using you for an ego boost / attention / comfort. Is she recently out of an R or anything? If I was interested in a guy and he said he wasn't sure if there was "spark" I'd say sayonara. I caution you not to get attached to this girl. On our second date, I learned that she hasn't been in a relationship for over 2 years and she made note that "she's dated people in that time period and none have gone past a first date". At the same time she tells me over the phone @ 4AM that she's unsure if there is a spark. Maybe I shuld have asked her that question in person and not @ 4AM when we were both half asleeep.
SJC2008 Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Why did you ask her how shee FEELS after 2 dates. Too much too soon on two fronts IMO. One being the lengthy conversations and two being asking her how she feels. There's nothing wrong with hitting it off with a woman hell I never have but save the all night convos for later down the road. I'm not saying be closed off or play games but don't give away the farm right away!
Author dextm Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 (edited) Why did you ask her how shee FEELS after 2 dates. Too much too soon on two fronts IMO. One being the lengthy conversations and two being asking her how she feels. There's nothing wrong with hitting it off with a woman hell I never have but save the all night convos for later down the road. I'm not saying be closed off or play games but don't give away the farm right away! Because I told her I was a direct, straight-up person and I wasn't gonna BS my way around. Because that's how we hit it off. Because I want to know if I'm wasting time before I waste more time. She keeps asking me random, ridiculous questions (usually with two extremes), I answer, she analyzes my answer, and then I ask her to answer her own question, she answers, I analyze her answer, we relate, we throw in our own personal experiences, rinse and repeat. Next thing you know hours have passed and we're still talking and having fun. She had warned me about time issues (i.e. talking 'til 4AM) but I ignored them so I guess part of the overdoing it is my own fault. I'm into this girl way too much aren't I? Edited July 6, 2012 by dextm
Author dextm Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 She wants to play with you, like a cat does with a dead mouse. Give her an ultimatum: Either it goes in the direction you wanted to, or you don't talk to her ever again. Her game is to keep giving you the illusion that there's hope for you when there really isn't, she might authentically enjoy your company while you want more and she wants to screw with guys she thinks are hot but who are probably dumb or have nothing to talk about. If she likes your companionship let her earn it, or cut her out. You have value too if she likes to talk to you that often. Don't let her have her cake and eat it too. That sounds very possible. I'll give her props for not golddigging me in the process. I plan to confront her about it in person the next time I see her. It was probably a dumb mistake asking her if she liked me @ 4AM in the morning when we were both exhausted and ready to pass out. Do I aggressively ask her out one more time, or leave the ball in her court and let her do the work? Actually, half the work's already done. I already let her know 3 days ago that this coming Monday is my day off and we should get together. Whether she remembers or cares is a whole different story.
veggirl Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Majority of her friends are male? Are you sure you aren't just another "friend"? I wonder what those friendships are like.
LoverOfDance Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 I asked a girl out. We went out twice within 9 days. We've talked about so many far-ranging topics such as books, movies, hobbies, ex'es, dating, relationships, marriage, sex, education, innocence, corruption, traveling, childhood, etc. We text each other constantly and we've chatted into the wee hours of the night on multiple occasions. Does this seem normal for people who just met? Is she scoping me out for info or does she have an agenda? What's the best way to find out if she "likes" me? I already kinda asked her this but she gave me a weird answer...she says "she enjoys my company and conversations but not sure if we have a spark". The thing is, there must be some kinda spark if she's spending so much time with me. What kind of normal, busy girl would spend so much time talking with someone that appears to be insignificant? What kind of girl would change the way they act, speak, and behave if they honestly didn't "like" the other person? i.e. she is more well behaved/focused/attentive in private setting vs group setting, she said she would never go on a date with a guy if he didn't pay on the first date (i countered saying everything should be close to 50/50 but also noted that a guy will lose a lot of opportunities if he doesn't pay on the first date). So then what did she do? She tried to steal the bill on our first dinner outing together but I obviously stopped her and paid for it. Stuff like that. Why would she bother and attempt to pay??? Not sure what to do at this point. Continue chasing and hope for the best or quit now when things are uncertain? She's already stated multiple times that she likes that we are "opposites". She likes a unpredictable, mysterious life whereas I want more of a direct, linear path. And she's older than me....I'm 25, guessing she's 27! I have a friend who I talk to a lot. Have known him since high school. Sometimes we even talk for hours. I had a feeling he might mistake my love of spending time with him and wanting to talk to him for something else so I made it clear to him that I don't have feelings for him to avoid any future misunderstandings/complications. I don't know why guys mistake a lot of attention from a girl as as sign of interest. It's true that girls can be very complex and difficult to read but trust me sometimes we are not that complicated at all. You see what you want to see and believe what you want to believe. A lot of the time, if a girl spends a lot of time with you and has told you that there's no spark, it means she really likes you...as a friend. Can she develop feelings 4 u in the future? Yes. It is very possible. If u really like her and are willing to stay, give her time and see what happens. After all, u don't know what the future holds. There's no rule that says u must move on if your feelings are not reciprocated. Friends become more than friends all the time. It happens. If u think she's worth it, don't go, stay and give her time but if not, move on and find someone else.
serial muse Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 (edited) I asked a girl out. We went out twice within 9 days. We've talked about so many far-ranging topics such as books, movies, hobbies, ex'es, dating, relationships, marriage, sex, education, innocence, corruption, traveling, childhood, etc. We text each other constantly and we've chatted into the wee hours of the night on multiple occasions. Does this seem normal for people who just met? Is she scoping me out for info or does she have an agenda? What's the best way to find out if she "likes" me? I already kinda asked her this but she gave me a weird answer...she says "1. she enjoys my company and conversations but not sure if we have a spark". The thing is, 2. there must be some kinda spark if she's spending so much time with me. What kind of normal, busy girl would spend so much time talking with someone that appears to be insignificant? What kind of girl would change the way they act, speak, and behave if they honestly didn't "like" the other person? i.e. she is more well behaved/focused/attentive in private setting vs group setting, she said she would never go on a date with a guy if he didn't pay on the first date (i countered saying everything should be close to 50/50 but also noted that a guy will lose a lot of opportunities if he doesn't pay on the first date). So then what did she do? She tried to steal the bill on our first dinner outing together but I obviously stopped her and paid for it. Stuff like that. Why would she bother and attempt to pay??? Not sure what to do at this point. Continue chasing and hope for the best or quit now when things are uncertain? She's already stated multiple times that she likes that we are "opposites". She likes a unpredictable, mysterious life whereas I want more of a direct, linear path. And she's older than me....I'm 25, guessing she's 27! Er, I think yeah, you're overthinking it. She's already told you what she wants...believe her. Instead, you seem to be re-analyzing everything and trying to find ways to make her behavior mean something it doesn't. In other words, see bolded 1. (she says no spark) and 2. (but whyyyyy). She likes talking to you and possibly likes the attention too. She doesn't want anything else and has said there's no spark. Fin. Oh, and she attempted to pay because, as she also told you, a date to her is when the guy pays. She didn't see it as a date. Unfortunately, she didn't stick to her guns and ultimately let you pay, after you stopped her from grabbing the check. A shame, because that confused you. She should've stuck with her instincts there, obviously. As to what you should do - well, do you like her as a friend? Seems like you could be good friends. I'll catch heat for this from the guys who insist that there is no such thing and that this is leading men on. Bah. She's told you there's no spark...she's not leading you on just because she likes your company. She's telling you it's not going further. Regardless, if you'll only ever be looking for an opportunity to convert this to more, and will be upset that it isn't every time you get together and will start feeling resentful and angry, then better just to tell her so and end whatever it is you have, friendship or whatever. Edited July 6, 2012 by serial muse
somedude81 Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 (edited) That is one of the things that I dislike the most about girls. How they are perfectly content and may actually get an ego boost from spending time with guys. For some reason, they just don't give a damn that the guy may actually like her, and she has no intention at all of going further than a friendship with him. It's almost like they are ignorant that guys do want them. It also annoys me how a girl could spend time with a guy she knows likes her while she has no interest in him. It would just be so much better if she recognizes that the guy is into her, and tells him that they can't hang out. Edited July 6, 2012 by somedude81
pteromom Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 I don't think girls are IGNORANT that a guy likes them. When I was in my 20s, all guys liked me. That doesn't mean I couldn't have guy friends, and didn't mean I had some kind of obligation to date every guy who liked me. I enjoyed my friendships with men very much. Not because they wanted me - but because the conversations were just so much better than most of my female friends, who only wanted to talk about hair and makeup and guys. Yawn. It IS possible that she enjoys your company very much, likes talking to you, considers you her friend, but has no romantic interest in you. Still, she said she isn't SURE if there is a spark. So I would keep getting to know her and see what happens. Maybe that spark will ignite for her, and maybe not. Worst case scenario; you may end up with a good friend. And maybe she can introduce you to someone who will be compatible with you. Who knows!
somedude81 Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 I don't think girls are IGNORANT that a guy likes them. When I was in my 20s, all guys liked me. That doesn't mean I couldn't have guy friends, and didn't mean I had some kind of obligation to date every guy who liked me. So you never felt bad for the guys who liked you, knowing that they would never have a chance with you? As long as you spent time with them, they would always have hope that something would happen. That's why I could never hang out with a girl who liked me, when I didn't like her back. It just feels cruel. I don't get off on having people around me that want me, if I don't like them the same way. Worst case scenario; you may end up with a good friend. And maybe she can introduce you to someone who will be compatible with you. Who knows! No, that is not the worst case scenario. You're forgetting the fact that she could get tired of the never ending interest, and then suddenly and cruely ending the friendship. Based on my experiences, it's simply not a good idea for a guy to be friends with a girl he likes, who doesn't feel the same way. Things have always ended very badly for me.
pteromom Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 So you never felt bad for the guys who liked you, knowing that they would never have a chance with you? As long as you spent time with them, they would always have hope that something would happen. No, I didn't feel bad. We had great friendships. I was very honest that it was only friendship, and if they liked me so much that the friendship was painful, they could have ended it. And in every case, I stayed friends with them. They found girlfriends, and got married, and some of them remained my friends and some didn't.
somedude81 Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 No, I didn't feel bad. We had great friendships. I was very honest that it was only friendship, and if they liked me so much that the friendship was painful, they could have ended it. Sometimes, it's just not that simple. It can be very hard to just walk away. And in every case, I stayed friends with them. They found girlfriends, and got married, and some of them remained my friends and some didn't. So it never got bad? Never had a confrontation or had to kick a guy out of your life because he wouldn't give up or he said/did something rude that was related to him liking you?
Author dextm Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 Majority of her friends are male? Are you sure you aren't just another "friend"? I wonder what those friendships are like. She's tomboyish and likes to do guy activities so naturally guys like to be around her. I could be just another "friend", who knows? That's why I'm posting here. ...so I made it clear to him that I don't have feelings for him to avoid any future misunderstandings/complications. I don't know why guys mistake a lot of attention from a girl as as sign of interest. That's good for you for not wasting his time and effort. I like that. And I told the girl this. I told her I wished everything in life would be more simple and direct. Life could be more enjoyable and productive if people just communicated more effectively instead of beating around the bush. She countered by saying that life would be boring, predictable, and robotic if everything was just black and white, x and o's. I agreed and said there's a time and place to play games and there's a time and place to be direct. If she's not giving you attention, it means she's not interested. We want our dates to be interested in us, no? When we went out the first time, I knew she was paying extra attention to me. At the same time it was almost like an examination to test my eye contact, body language, etc. I noticed she put her phone on silent and only checked it twice in ~9 hours and she even asked me to "excuse her" when she did so. its true that girls can be very complex and difficult to read but trust me sometimes we are not that complicated at all. You see what you want to see and believe what you want to believe. A lot of the time, if a girl spends a lot of time with you and has told you that there's no spark, it means she really likes you...as a friend. Well then that sucks for me, cause I honestly believe the signs are there and she's just unsure of herself. I've never met anyone in my life who was so seemingly interested in me and willing to talk to me for such an extended period of time. Did I mention that even before we went out solo, we spent 15 minutes outside talking solo in a group setting? Or the 20 times she must have accidentally kicked me, brushed me, walked into me, hit my hand, or intentionally poked/tickled me? Can she develop feelings 4 u in the future? Yes. It is very possible. If u really like her and are willing to stay, give her time and see what happens. After all, u don't know what the future holds. There's no rule that says u must move on if your feelings are not reciprocated. Friends become more than friends all the time. It happens. If u think she's worth it, don't go, stay and give her time but if not, move on and find someone else. I'm setting up myself for disappointment. There's no way I can do this without hurting myself because at any given moment, she can and will be picked up. Er, I think yeah, you're overthinking it. She's already told you what she wants...believe her. Instead, you seem to be re-analyzing everything and trying to find ways to make her behavior mean something it doesn't. In other words, see bolded 1. (she says no spark) and 2. (but whyyyyy). She likes talking to you and possibly likes the attention too. She doesn't want anything else and has said there's no spark. Fin. Oh, and she attempted to pay because, as she also told you, a date to her is when the guy pays. She didn't see it as a date. Unfortunately, she didn't stick to her guns and ultimately let you pay, after you stopped her from grabbing the check. A shame, because that confused you. She should've stuck with her instincts there, obviously. As to what you should do - well, do you like her as a friend? Seems like you could be good friends. I'll catch heat for this from the guys who insist that there is no such thing and that this is leading men on. Bah. She's told you there's no spark...she's not leading you on just because she likes your company. She's telling you it's not going further. Regardless, if you'll only ever be looking for an opportunity to convert this to more, and will be upset that it isn't every time you get together and will start feeling resentful and angry, then better just to tell her so and end whatever it is you have, friendship or whatever. Your post was a smack to my face. Great post. But my heart refuses to believe that she is just "leading me on" until she tells me straight in my face. I asked her a stupid question (do you like me?), at a stupid time (4AM in the morning), over a stupid medium (telephone). I have to ask her in person again just to make sure .
ThaWholigan Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 You are overcomplicating it a little. You're reading too much into what she's saying or taking it too seriously. When it comes to attraction, you cannot logically deduce what is going to happen - it's all emotional. This girl is obviously someone who just likes to talk and be around people. You're new, and while there might not be a spark, she thinks that you're interesting enough to be around - or at the very least you provide her with an ego boost, and does this with other guys intermittently until she finds someone she actually wants to have sex with. Harsh.....but it's what a lot of girls do these days. And besides, she's said there's "no spark", so she's been as straight up as it's gonna get to be honest. You're best bet would be one of 2 options. 1) Quell your feelings and continue as her friend, and pursue other girls in the meantime. 2) Don't be her friend; disappear and pursue other girls in the meantime.
pteromom Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 So it never got bad? Never had a confrontation or had to kick a guy out of your life because he wouldn't give up or he said/did something rude that was related to him liking you? No. It never got bad. Some of these guys are still my friends 15 years later.
InJest Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Quit being so lame and clingy. Next time you see her, don't ask her if she likes you, go in for a kiss. That will give you your answer right then and there without complication. Grow some balls and make a real move. If she doesn't go for it, drop her and don't talk to her at all anymore. Girls don't like when a guy asks, "Do you like me?", especially when he's too much of a pussy to come out and say he likes her first. 2
Author dextm Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 Quit being so lame and clingy. Next time you see her, don't ask her if she likes you, go in for a kiss. That will give you your answer right then and there without complication. Grow some balls and make a real move. If she doesn't go for it, drop her and don't talk to her at all anymore. Girls don't like when a guy asks, "Do you like me?", especially when he's too much of a pussy to come out and say he likes her first. I would do that if I knew I would never see her again.
tenspoons Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 (edited) I would do that if I knew I would never see her again. Then pretend you will never see her again. Like there is no tomorrow. A very fine English professor once told me, "Procrastination is a lot like masturbation. It feels like a good idea at the time, but in the end you're just ****ing yourself." That was some of the best advice I think I ever received in a long time, and it can be applied to so many things. Quit being so lame and clingy. Next time you see her, don't ask her if she likes you, go in for a kiss. That will give you your answer right then and there without complication. Grow some balls and make a real move. If she doesn't go for it, drop her and don't talk to her at all anymore. Girls don't like when a guy asks, "Do you like me?", especially when he's too much of a pussy to come out and say he likes her first. I agree completely with this guy ^ Go big or go home. You already know she is interested because of all the interrogation that has been going on. Why not make your intentions clear before she does take you as just a friend? That's what you want right? I thought you said you weren't into playing games, that you were straight forward. I say going in for a kiss is going to weed out some truth once and for all. At the very least, hug her tightly and closely, give her a peck on the cheek, and hold her hand. In any order you choose, leave out whatever you want (like just grab her soft little hand and walk around, see what she does:)!). Sometimes some action is required, anyone can say words to her. she will only let few in to do some action. believe me! Find out if you are one of them, it's a mans job! take action! Also, if it's taking all of that interrogation for her to find out if there is a spark, then you need to ask yourself what is taking so long? People know who they like and don't like within the first 10 minutes of talking, there is no maybe factor. No one just pokes around with someone they kinda like until they force themselves to like the person. It just doesn't work that way. I smell something fishhy... Edited July 7, 2012 by tenspoons
Author dextm Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 Go big or go home. You already know she is interested because of all the interrogation that has been going on. Why not make your intentions clear before she does take you as just a friend? That's what you want right? I thought you said you weren't into playing games, that you were straight forward. I say going in for a kiss is going to weed out some truth once and for all. At the very least, hug her tightly and closely, give her a peck on the cheek, and hold her hand. In any order you choose, leave out whatever you want (like just grab her soft little hand and walk around, see what she does:)!). Sometimes some action is required, anyone can say words to her. she will only let few in to do some action. believe me! Find out if you are one of them, it's a mans job! take action! Also, if it's taking all of that interrogation for her to find out if there is a spark, then you need to ask yourself what is taking so long? People know who they like and don't like within the first 10 minutes of talking, there is no maybe factor. No one just pokes around with someone they kinda like until they force themselves to like the person. It just doesn't work that way. I smell something fishhy... Coach me. When should I go in for some PDA? First thing when I see her or wait until we separate? Secondly, where? In public or in private? I don't want to ruin the date if this somehow goes horribly wrong, but I also don't want to pass up the opportunity as you guys have pointed out. --- BTW I haven't communicated with her for the past 60 hours until this morning when she initiated contact..seems like when I don't text her for 2-3 days she always initiates to see how I am doing. Encouraging yes? What do you guys think of this convo? 2:38AM Her: Hey u awake? 9:20AM Me: What's up? 9:56AM Her: Oh nvm. The moment has passed. 10:09AM Me: Tell me. Her: Oh its really nothing. I went out last night had some wine. I think I was still buzzed when I got back so I wanted to bug u. Me: I'm glad you had a good time. And good wine! What time did you get back? Her: Around 230 maybe. Oh were you ok the next day at work after staying so late last time? Seems like she's into me and very concerned about my well being?
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