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Posted

Im a 37yof married to a 50yom , been married 12 yrs and I love him I just don't think he is " in love" with me. I think he cares deeply but that's about it. I have talked and talked to him about my feelings of loneliness and desire to spend time with him doing whatever but I don't think he hears me? I lost a ton of weight thinking he might find the new me (sz 8) sexy and desirable. I'm lucky if we have sex every 4-5 months and when we do it's passionate; sometimes he climaxes in 13 min and then he's done, forget me! He has no desire to go on dates, snuggle with me or walk around the block w me. We used to be physically active together & sexually active & he loved my wild side, nurtured me & I took care of him. The drastic change over the years such as no time, no sex & no physicality hurts me to my core & has sucked the life out of me, broke my spirit. Lately several of my co workers & male friends are kind, complimentary, and they are giving me my pep back not to mention wanting more & leaving me wanting one in particular. I think cheating is whoreish & awful, yet I'm considering it & have already emotionally crossed a line by talking sexually. I'm so torn between wanting a real partner & loving my husband, I don't know how to stop this unless my husband starts being there?.. Help with any honest advice NOT scorn, I have enough shame already

Posted

You have an obligation to either fix your marriage or get out of it. You do not have a right to keep your spouse committed with the rest of his life to a lisr and a cheat while you get your needs met elsewhere.

 

Demand marriage counseling. Give him an ultimatum if necessary. But if you cheat (and it appears that you already have) then that is 100% on you and has nothing to do with him. You broke your vows and are now trying to look back at the marriage to justify it. Stop what you are doing, get into counseling, and admit to your betrayed husband what you have done.

  • Like 1
Posted

I'd broach the subject with my husband again and admit that it has gotten to the point where I feel so deprived that thoughts of straying have crossed my mind several times and situations have come up. Tell him you're admitting this because you're human, you're lonely, don't feel attractive to him, don't feel he cares etc and you want to have a good marriage and want to do something about your feelings before it crosses the line. He should sit up and listen and do something in that case!

 

If even after that he is apathetic, then I'd suggest you consider the future of your relationship and if you want it to go on. But before I run off cheating, doing something that can't be undone, I'd bring it up again and admit to the temptation and let him know you are giving him the opportunity to be your husband and to come up with something to do to revive your intimacy and affection TOGETHER, instead of elsewhere. Once you're honest and do that, it is up to him to respond to this so you guys can both make some changes. Report back after you do this.

  • Like 4
  • Author
Posted

Thanks Miss bee, he will be stuck in car w me Friday for 12 hrs & I intend on broaching the subj. ; he will have no tv, computer, or toys to distract him so maybe just maybe he will hear me. I'm sick over this because I love him despite what some may think, I have always been against divorce & always believed I can always fix everything. We have been to counseling before... I'm terrified to toss my morals, but I can't explain the horrible feeling of loneliness & lack of love. I was cheated on before meeting my husband & he was cheated on by his x for lack of attention(I discovered this yrs after I married him) I swore I would never destroy someone as I was, which is my dilemma. I don't want to divorce, he doesn't give a ****, and I need affection and someone who will hike, bike, walk swim.... Spend time with me. My husband isn't a cruel man, he is kind, a good Dad; I just think he is lost in his own desires & my needs don't fit into his life like they used to? Painful to admit:(:( I never saw myself in this position & condem myself for even allowing the thought. I wish he would love me like I love him which is why I am reaching out to complete strangers for advice. I want to do the right thing, but I shouldn't have to give up affection for the rest of my life because I don't want a divorce even though I know that sounds crazy, affair for affection or divorce?

I'd broach the subject Tell him you're admitting this because you're human, you're lonely, don't feel attractive to him, don't feel he cares etc and you want to have a good marriage and want to do something about your feelings before it crosses the line. He should sit up and listen and do something in that case!

 

If even after that he is apathetic, then I'd suggest you consider the future of your relationship and if you want it to go on. But before I run off cheating, doing something that can't be undone, I'd bring it up again and admit to the temptation and let him know you are giving him the opportunity to be your husband and to come up with something to do to revive your intimacy and affection TOGETHER, instead of elsewhere. Once you're honest and do that, it is up to him to respond to this so you guys can both make some changes. Report back after you do this.

Posted

Since he is 50 years old, perhaps his body is changing and his "drive" is lowering. After telling him exactly how you feel, perhaps ask him to go to the doctor and get checked out.

 

But if you already know the damage an affair can cause, then please stop entertaining the idea of one.

  • Like 2
Posted

If you are making the choice that you don't want to divorce ( for whatever reason), then you are making the choice to stay with him. That doesn't mean that it's okay to cheat to get your needs met. Serriously, you don't agree with divorce, but cheating would, on some level, be okay?

 

Talk to him about your feelings, let him know that you have been tempted and why. Tell him that you have reached your breaking point and something has to give.

 

If he was was different in the early years of your marriage, try to see if he can talk to you about what changed...is there a medical issue? Does he have some form of depression? Is he taking any meds. that may have some side effects? Perhaps a trip to his doctor may be in order.

 

Would you consider marriage counseling again?

 

Can you possibly swing a short vacation away together?

 

If you cheat, you'll lose respect for yourself, you'll lose a part of yourself that you won't be able to get back. You may find that you become a person you don't like very much anymore...is it worth it?

  • Like 1
Posted

TELL him about your feelings. I know on some level you feel like he will reject you for even having these thoughts BUT that simply won't happen. He will take notice quickly and start listening INTENTLY to you. Just like (you say) you want.

 

He will change to become more aware of your needs. He will regret that he "lost sight" of what was going on. He will step up and spice up life.

 

You see, he is very secure in his relationship with you and has let his guard down. DO NOT betray him if you love him still. Work on the marriage or leave it in a clean way. All the wonderful years you spent together deserve to not be burned down in a blaze of selfish betrayal.

 

If he seems to just lack any drive at all get a doctor to prescribe some testosterone replacement.

 

And lastly, really look in the mirror. Literally. You say you lost alot of weight (for your husband). Is it that you suddenly find the "NEW" outside attention exciting? Did your relationship really change or just you? Are you now engaging in a phenominon known as "rewriting history" to shift the blame to your husband to justify this new desire of yours to cheat? Please be honest (to yourself) on that one. It is important.

  • Like 2
Posted

He's 50. There's a strong possiblity that his testosterone levels are low. It could be a physical problem. Any changes in his job, did he lose his job? Any outside stressors?

 

Theres a number of avenues you haven't explored yet and cheating is NEVER the answer!

  • Author
Posted

I would do almost anything to save us, which is why im reaching out. I dont know what to do but i feel like im dying inside. I lost the weight as one of my many attempts to get him to focus a little on our marriage & I've worked with these guys for awhile despite their affections, so I dont believe it's shifting blame or rewriting history, honestly. Hell I've begged him to take something to get the juices flowing! He s one of those guys guys that wouldn't dream of it, which adds to my frustration. Why can't he just let some of his guard down when I have given up so much of myself to accommodate him? For the record it's NOT just the sex, i could manage on my own if I had to. My biggest loss is the partnership, someone to do things with. We used to hike, bike, walk, beach it... Now nothing unless I drag him out of the country/ state. We just got back from Hawaii(another attempt to spice it up) and he literally broke my heart over & over. He just doesn't seem to want to be w me although he swears he wants to be with me & if you were to ask if he cares I would say yes? Do you see my confusion? Any A I would have would b an EA & I know that is just as bad & I have read enough to know it turns into more

GLDheart

And lastly, really look in the mirror. Literally. You say you lost alot of weight (for your husband). Is it that you suddenly find the "NEW" outside attention exciting? Did your relationship really change or just you? Are you now engaging in a phenominon known as "rewriting history" to shift the blame to your husband to justify this new desire of yours to cheat? Please be honest (to yourself) on that one. It is important.

  • Author
Posted
He's 50. There's a strong possiblity that his testosterone levels are low. It could be a physical problem. Any changes in his job, did he lose his job? Any outside stressors?

 

Theres a number of avenues you haven't explored yet and cheating is NEVER the answer!

 

No changes in job or outside stressors, I have asked myself the same question. I even explored the thought that maybe HE was cheating which would explain the distance

Posted

Either go to marriage counselling and fix things or divorce. DO NOT go and cheat thinking it'll make your life better. It won't. It'll just make things more complicated and bring pain and heartache for your husband.

  • Like 1
Posted

Your weight loss transformation is not much different than women with breast augmentation. They swear up and down that they are doing it for their self esteem and their husband and maybe to spice things up a little. Truth is, it's for their husband AND EVERYONE ELSE ON THE KNOW PLANET. Because once they get them done, she goes from the lady that was comfortable in jeans a sweatshirt with a ball cap and a ponytail out the back to a lady that wears paint on pants with a blouse with a PLUNGING neckline, or a shirt sooo tight that if she breathes too deep she's going to pop all if the stitching out, make up and hair done up right just to go to the 7 eleven. A lot of those marriage end in infidelity and divorce.

 

Now, you're telling us that you've lost the weight and now you're liking the attention that you are getting from others and contemplating an affair! See, not much different from the boob job chicks I was talking about. Now, I'm not suggesting that you should be ashamed of your weight loss as a matter of fact, be proud of it! However, I want you to recongize the slippery slope your taking.

 

From what you described about your husband might suggest that he's depressed, and could be a deep depression. He may be resistant to see the doctor about getting some blue pills because he might be embarassed and ashamed. Is your husband obese?

Posted

How's his porn usage?

 

Is he online a lot?

 

As well, have you considered going outside the home more often and pursuing just having fun (nothing sexual or romantic) for yourself.

 

Maybe if your selfish husband has to start making his own meals/cooking/cleaning/having less of you around, that might spark some change.

 

As long as you are hanging around broken-hearted, he isn't going to want to bang you at all. If you challenge him a little (not verbally, but by action) he may have to take some steps.

 

It might go so far as an apartment for yourself until you figure things out.

 

He isn't going to chase you if you are standing right at the door waiting for him with a stop watch seeing how long it takes him to get there.

  • Author
Posted

Chi town, I always "liked" the attention , it's just the past few weeks I keep thinking why do they continue to show me attention & continue to do kind things & my own husband barely recognizes my hair color changing? I WANT it to be him giving me the comfort, time & attention. It won't stop the other guys, although I have always made it clear to them that I would never cross the line. And to answer your second question, No he is not obese. He is an avg 6ft , 205 lbs, I think he is good looking. I do think sometimes your depression suggestion might be right. If so how do I get him to open up? Are you male or f/m? , I'm curious how a man would answer this? Thanks for the opinion I want to fig this mess out

Now, you're telling us that you've lost the weight and now you're liking the attention that you are getting from others and contemplating an affair! See, not much different from the boob job chicks I was talking about. Now, I'm not suggesting that you should be ashamed of your weight loss as a matter of fact, be proud of it! However, I want you to recongize the slippery slope your taking.

 

From what you described about your husband might suggest that he's depressed, and could be a deep depression. He may be resistant to see the doctor about getting some blue pills because he might be embarassed and ashamed. Is your husband obese?

Posted

Crazy thought here:

 

Let him read this thread.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)
Chi town, I always "liked" the attention , it's just the past few weeks I keep thinking why do they continue to show me attention & continue to do kind things & my own husband barely recognizes my hair color changing? I WANT it to be him giving me the comfort, time & attention. It won't stop the other guys, although I have always made it clear to them that I would never cross the line. And to answer your second question, No he is not obese. He is an avg 6ft , 205 lbs, I think he is good looking. I do think sometimes your depression suggestion might be right. If so how do I get him to open up? Are you male or f/m? , I'm curious how a man would answer this? Thanks for the opinion I want to fig this mess out

 

 

I am a guy that got cheated on by the girl I was supposed to marry many years ago. And I can't even convey the amount of pain that I went through once I discovered it. I was a frickin mess. And it took a friend of mine to kidnap me and throw me on a train and just go....see the world and sort my life out. I took a long time to get through the pain and the anger. And make massive improvement to myself.

 

What you need to do is to talk to him and I mean REALLY TALK TO HIM!!! Guys suck at subtle hints. You can't expect him to pick up on the magnitude of your unhappiness with a conversation Like, " Hey, we need to get out more and do stuff." His response would probably be, " Huh? What?...... OH YEAH! Sure, we'll do more stuff." Rolls right of the back.

You need to be like, " LOOK! I LOVE YOU BUT I'M UNHAPPY. REALLY, REALLY UNHAPPY! WE NEED TO FIX THIS! WE NEED TO GO TO COUNSELING! IF WE DON'T GO, THEN I'M LEAVING!" That's the slap-in-the-head wake up call conversation you need to have. I speculate that we (as strangers) know more about what's going on in your marriage than your husband does.

 

Oh, and you're already cheating if you didn't know. A good definition of cheating is saying or doing something with someone else that you wouldn't do in front of your spouse. That's cheating. You've stated in your first post that there have been sexual conversations. So, you HAVE crossed a line.

 

And GLDHeart might be right, it may be easier for you to have him read your thread. Then, encourage him to start one of his own. Hell, we normally don't bite.

Edited by Chi townD
  • Like 1
Posted

Hope you get this before the long car trip...

 

It's a small stupid thing, but avoid saying "We have to talk". Guys HATE that and many will shut down defensively. I'm not sure what the best approach is, but I have heard that getting him to open up a little first is a good idea. Questions like "What first attracted me to you?" or "Is there something left in life that you're still wanting to do?" can pique a man's interest and open the door to a real conversation. Be trustworthy.

 

And be smart because guys are dumb.

 

It truly is a shame that so many men stop trying to romance their wives. This is a tough time to live in with all the stresses over the economy. Romance is the last thing men think about when they're stressed. Instead of drawing closer to their women, many will pull away. Part of this is men want very much to please their wives and when things aren't going well, some shame is felt because they can't control it better. That's male pride.

 

You are very close to cheating. Some might say you already have. Before actual, physical infidelity is the mental openness to it. You are there...at the very place where everything changes for the worse. Don't do it. Avoid other men. Quit your job if necessary. Don't fall prey to the dogs.

 

DOT mentioned porn use. That's a wide spread addiction that's nearly impossible to kick. He'll deny it, but there is a way out. The suggestions about his health and age are valid. When is the last time he got a physical? You sound like you love him and don't want to cheat. For sure, you have many things to do and check into before ending the relationship.

 

I'm betting he knows more about your feelings than you realize. Open up to him lovingly and encourage him to do the same. Resist the temptation to react strongly if he says something you don't like. Simply adjusting the way we react can transform a relationship. What else can you do? Be honest with yourself about your shortcomings. No one is perfect.

 

Please hang in there. You'll be so glad you did the right thing. Promise!!

Posted

Sorry, but this feels wrong to me.

 

I believe you are intent on divorcing, but your mor4als won't let you without a good excuse.

 

Notice how you say he lacks affection, yet when you go in to details about the problem, you bring up physical hobbies that maybe a 50 year old simply doesn't feel like doing anymore, bike riding, walks, hiking,...

 

Sounds to me like you are wanting a divorce and no matter what he tries you are going to find it 'not good enough/, and then you can sooth your conscience and not have to feel bad about divorcing him.

 

So tell us, if you talk to him and he says he will try harder, and he does and is able to have more sex, more cuddling, more attention, but still not able to better the physical things like walking long miles, hiking, being active physically, will you be satisfied? I claim you won';t be, because i believe you are really looking for the divorce excuse and that's why you mention all the physical stuff that a 50 year old man may be getting too old for.

 

Then, when he can't meet these physical demands because of normal aging, you have your excuse to divorce and live out some young fantasies and don't have to feel any guilt about it.

 

Come clean to yourself. This is about you losing the weight, enjoying the attention, wanting to get some guys desire, and you feel like you can do better than your husband physically, and you need an excuse to not have to feel horrible about your actions, so if you set up barriers for him, physical ones that a 50 year old man simply may not feel like having to deal with, then you will have your excuse to party and be young again, great for you, but very hurtful and unfair to your husband.

  • Like 1
Posted
...you bring up physical hobbies that maybe a 50 year old simply doesn't feel like doing anymore, bike riding, walks, hiking,...

 

You may be spot on about this poster Jeff, but a lot of 50-year old people enjoy this stuff and more all the time. I'm twice as active now as I was at 25.

 

Carry on...

Posted

I didn't say you can't still enjoy these things, just that 50 year old muscles do not feel as good after a work out as they did when they were 25 years old, that's nature. If you have discovered the fountain of youth and you are actually getting younger then you need to hit the medical labs and make a gazillion dollars.

 

I am a musician and stand on stage for hours at a time, and no way on earth do I feel as good after doing it as I did 25 years ago. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy it anymore or refuse to do it, but it does mean i expect and ask for more money to do it now.

 

So my point is that the OP appears to be setting up barriers that she knows her husband simply don't feel like he should have to hurdle to keep his marriage, and I believe she is doing this to ease her guilt about breaking her marriage up for the equivalent of a male mid-life crisis.

 

Match what she said he doesn't do with her weight loss, her flirting, etc, oh yeah, she wants to play with the young good looking guys and she is going to find some reasons to do so, if he jumps through these hoops, she'll just come up with something harder for him to overcome, and when he can't or won't because he feels she is being unfair, she'll have her reason to bolt and won't have to tell her family and friends the real reason she is doing it. She'll be able to blame it on him not loving her enough and it will be mere coincidence that she is partying and having fun with new guys and her new found weight loss and such.

 

 

You may be spot on about this poster Jeff, but a lot of 50-year old people enjoy this stuff and more all the time. I'm twice as active now as I was at 25.

 

Carry on...

Posted

Hey LL

 

1st---you have an age difference problem-----13 yrs, and he is now in his 50's-----things change, believe me---he does not feel, ability wise, the way you do---things slow down, its just different---and let me tell you---as he gets older, it gets worse---aches/pains/memory loss/eyesight goes/hearing loss---you are no where near any of that----he is-----

you have no clue, and he probably keeps it to himself.

 

 

Why the sex has gone, who knows, that is a physical need, so that should probably be addressed by him going to IC---or maybe there was something in his FOO, that is causing this, who knows---IC, should be able to help.

 

Look you got one weapon and one weapon only to fight this with---threat of D/D---whether you like it or not-----I would hope for your own sake, you will not stoop to cheating---I know younger guys, come onto you, and you, are validated by them, and they turn you on, and you are torn apart, about what to do---just don't give in.

 

Your H., is not a bad guy, and would not deserve the hurt you would put on him---you think D., is a terrible thing, but the pain you would throw down, on your unsuspecting/loving H., is far worse, than anything you can imagine, if he discovered you were with another/other men.

 

What you MUST do, whether you like it or not---is have forced conversations, and make him, see what is lacking, and make him fix it---If he refuses, then please---start D. proceedings, that is a million times less cruel than cheating on him.

 

He may not understand fully why you want out of the mge, but he will never understand why/how you could betray him.

 

If you start D. proceedings, that does not mean they have to end in D., just serving him, may wake him up----please, again---try everything possible, before you give in to cheating---also set up your own boundaries---stop going out/associating with your friends, and co-workers---YOU BELONG AT HOME WITH YOUR H.---YOU ARE AFTER ALL A MARRIED WOMAN.

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