BrokenMirror Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I don't have too many people that I can talk to about this, let alone my parents, so I decided to post here. I was in a relationship that I recently got out of. My ex boyfriend and I dated for at least three years. And before that, we had a strong emotional connection. We always made plans about getting married and having our children. We had almost every single detail planned out, down to the color that we would paint our bedroom. We broke up after an incident that happened while we were taking due to his "anger" issues. And after we broke up, I was shattered. I tried my best to get him back. I called him constantly, only to have every single call directed to voicemail. I texted him god knows how many times, only to have them ignored. I did everything I could, short of confronting him face to face, which I couldn't do at that point as I didn't have a car, and as I said earlier, my parents didn't know of this relationship. A week after trying, even I gave up. And five months went by. In these five months, I did become infatuated with someone else, although I thought constantly of my ex and I often cried at random times. I felt empty and slowly those feelings started to fade. We recently got in touch again almost a month ago and those feelings have returned. Of course I love this guy. I always loved him. And us seperating nearly killed me. And my feelings for him have returned. We talk on skype quite a bit for a few hours and exchange some texts. It almost feels like we're back to who we used to be. Except for the part where we aren't. He has reminded me more than once that he has no trust for me and that we will never be together again. This killed me. I cried a lot after hearing this and I can feel myself tearing up as I type this. Today, I had to go over to my mom's friends house for an event. She lives parallel to his house, and I know his window. And I walked past it, hoping that I could see him and that we could talk. I called him on skype to ask if he could come out for a few minutes. And he didn't pick up. Maybe he was busy or not near his home. The entire drive home I felt empty. Spaced out. And when I got home, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I wanted to cry and I couldn't. The tears simply wouldn't come out. But I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. Some people say that it's all mental, but it isn't. There is some hormone that is released that makes people feel like we do. And I don't know what it is. I don't know which stage of the grieving process I am in, or if I even went through it. I came here for support and advice. If anyone can help, please do so. I can't take the pain anymore.
CopingGal Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Hi. Sorry you are hurting. Firstly, you shouldn't be with anyone that has anger issues. To me, anger issues = violence. Seems like he doesn't want to get back with you, which is good. As painful as it is, this is a blessing. When my ex and I got back together, I was so relieved. Four months was misery was behind me. I wanted him back so badly. I kept thinking about if I could get back with him. But I never once thought if I SHOULD get back with him. Once of the worse mistakes I ever made in my entire life was getting back with him. I'll never make that mistake again. The anger issues thing will keep resurfacing at different times. Consider youself lucky you are apart from him and heal. Take care of you.
Kovalchoke Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Hi, sorry to hear this I know how you feel. I, like you, am the dumpee and things didn't go down so well between my ex and I. At times I think about the good times i had with her and feel tremendous heartbreak...But I don't ever cry... It feels like crap! You say you dated for 3 years, a very long time. Usually it takes as long as the relationship to get over somebody. In your case, I think the best thing to do is try and forget about it and just fix yourself - see whats out there for you. Whatever you do, don't go on his facebook or any other social networking site, delete his #, basically anything that reminds you of him, you'll only make your heartache worse. I'm guessing you're between 17-20? This is tough, i know. I'm in the exact same situation as you. But this is life, and... things like this happen...Try to live your life as best you can and sooner or later, 1. you'll forget about him 2. he'll start to realise what he's done and start to miss you Stay tough!
Author BrokenMirror Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 I appreciate the advice. It is helpful. He only got physically abusive once. And that was grabbing me hard enough to leave a bruise. Other times he was verbally abusive, and would curse me out a lot and basically tell me to go and rot in hell. I've tried to not talk to him, but somehow I always end up doing so. The last time I stopped texting him, he texted me a day later. And I'v gotten rid of almost everything he ever gave up. I Just have a few books that are a part of my collection. I am on the verge of turning 19, yes. I keep trying to avoid him and somehow we end up talking.
Ruby65 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 He only got physically abusive once. And that was grabbing me hard enough to leave a bruise. Other times he was verbally abusive, and would curse me out a lot and basically tell me to go and rot in hell. There is no such thing as "ONLY ONCE" when it comes to physical abuse!!!! This NEVER EVER EVER gets better and goes away on its own -- never!!!! It ONLY escalates with time. PLEASE tell your parents about this. Or find a counsellor you can speak to about it. This is not something to take lightly -- this is a potentially life-threatening relationship and you need help to get yourself away from this person and SAFE.
Author BrokenMirror Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 There is no such thing as "ONLY ONCE" when it comes to physical abuse!!!! This NEVER EVER EVER gets better and goes away on its own -- never!!!! It ONLY escalates with time. PLEASE tell your parents about this. Or find a counsellor you can speak to about it. This is not something to take lightly -- this is a potentially life-threatening relationship and you need help to get yourself away from this person and SAFE. I can't tell my parents. As I am Indian, I am not supposed to be dating. Were I to tell them, all hell would break loose. And I don't think I would date him again. Ever. I know it would make the hurting stop for a while, but he did say a lot of nasty stuff and I feel as if his abuse would only escalate. His verbal abuse certainly did get out of hand. As did his tantrums. For a 20 year old man, you would think that he would be more mature. And even though I know that we wouldn't get back together, I still hurt quite a bit. And I miss him. I don't know why so.
Ruby65 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 If he's already abusing his girlfriends at 20, he'll be full-out beating them by 30. PLEASE stay away from this guy at all costs! I know it hurts, but if you can stick to the NC like you did before, you will definitely meet someone else who is worthy of your time and affection.
Author BrokenMirror Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 I'm trying. I should cut of communication with him completely then? I don't have too many people that I would refer to as friends. And I guess that is why I keep going back to this guy. But I will try to stick to my NC regimen. Should he contact me, I should ignore him. And it does hurt. I initially did develop a crush on a friend, and that friend said that he really liked me as a person, and that I was sweet but he wasn't looking for a relationship. That was a breaking point for me, as it made me want to go back to my ex because he was familiar and everything about him was familiar.
Ruby65 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 There's really nothing else I can say: THIS MAN IS A PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE PERSON. It's DANGEROUS to associate with him. Men like these have the potential to become obsessive stalkers and murders when their wives or girlfriends leave them. It always BEGINS with verbal and physical abuse and escalates from there. So, yes: don't contact him. Don't reply to any contact from him. This is BIGGER than a relationship issue, this is your safety and well-being. Post here for support if you're lonely or struggling! We're here for you.
Author BrokenMirror Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Thank you for your support. I feel do as you said. Pushing him away will help my physical well being, but what about my mental being? How do you heal those wounds. Time is what people say. But it's been five months.
Blastoplast Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Cut all ties with him. A man who is physically abusive doesn't deserve ANY woman. You acknowledge that he was physically AND emotionally abusive, but you tend to overlook those aspects and try to remember the good things. I'm dealing with a break-up with a woman who I dated for 7 years and our relationship was PHENOMENAL, but her financial woes drove a nail between us. The type of break-up I'm dealing with is the type of one you give space with, and maybe when she's in a better place we can give it another chance. Your situation, however, has no future. Drop all contact, better yourself in some way and find a man who will treat you with respect.
CopingGal Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Okay, I know first hand how Indian families can be with daughters. My best friend in high school was Indian and her family was VERY strict with her. It's hard when you don't have any friends or many friends. That keeps people in a bad relationship. Verbal abuse is bad. You need to stay away from him. Talk to a counselor at your school for emotional support. Just stay away from him. Bad relationships can hurt when you break up because no relationship is 100% bad. But with the verbal abuse, plus grabbing you and leaving a bruise, you should stay away from him. Don't have any contact with him. Just stay away from him.
Author BrokenMirror Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Cut all ties with him. A man who is physically abusive doesn't deserve ANY woman. You acknowledge that he was physically AND emotionally abusive, but you tend to overlook those aspects and try to remember the good things. I'm dealing with a break-up with a woman who I dated for 7 years and our relationship was PHENOMENAL, but her financial woes drove a nail between us. The type of break-up I'm dealing with is the type of one you give space with, and maybe when she's in a better place we can give it another chance. Your situation, however, has no future. Drop all contact, better yourself in some way and find a man who will treat you with respect. I'm sorry for your loss. I do hope you feel better. I keep telling myself that if I give him space, we will get back together. And now I am seeing that that isn't exactly a possibility. What is to keep him from becoming physically abusive if he has escalated to verbal abuse. I do love him. I'm almost 19 now and we were amazing together. He know's things about me that no one else knows and I know stuff about him as well. He did tell me that he wasn't planning on getting married anytime and he did want a son in the future and that he would most likely adopt. Yesterday, we spent an hour talking about a bunch of everything including what color we would paint our bedroom and who our children would look more like. I know this sounds desperate, that we were talking about it. It's out of familiarity. You would know what I am talking about because you were dating your ex girlfriend for 7 years. Familiarity becomes everything.
Kovalchoke Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 My ex was indian and her parents were really strict too. What i dont get is how she could go out at night with friends and drink, where she could meet other guys. But anyways, find some friends and keep NC on.
Ruby65 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 What is to keep him from becoming physically abusive if he has escalated to verbal abuse. Grabbing you by the arm and leaving bruises IS PHYSICAL ABUSE. He hasn't escalated to pushing, kicking, punching, choking, hair-pulling, etc..... but if he isn't in therapy, it's just a matter of time. The love of your life will NOT call you names, demean you, insult you or put his hands on you in a violent way! That isn't love, it's manipulation and control. Breaking up is painful, but if you stick to NC you'll be able to move on and in time you'll meet someone much, much better for you than this guy!
Author BrokenMirror Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 I hope so. I'm on day 2 of NC after breaking NC after four months. I feel tormented. I used to write a lot of poetry and every now and then it just spouts out of me. Why does my heart sing this melody, This broken tune of you and me, Why does my heart want us to be, Is it so blinded that it cannot see, On and on the tune goes, refusing to stop, To my hands and knees, I drop, No more no more I Cry, Just let my love for you die, No longer can I take this pain, I stand to loose everything and nothing to good, Goodbye my love, maybe I'll see you again, But for now, I must let my heartache rein. I'm hoping to keep NC now. Reading through the forums is helping me, as is posting here because it lets me get it off my chest.
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