veggirl Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I would not wait around for someone who is not over his ex. After 15 dates, he should see more than "potential" in you. How insulting. That's like "keep being a good girl, keep acting right, and maybe you will get to be my girlfriend someday" NO THANK YOU! I agree with Red Robin, the second he told you he is not ready for a relationship and is not over his ex, you should have bounced. He is using you to fill an emotional void. He was attached to his ex and used to that comfort and companionship. You are the temp replacement. 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Why do you keep rewording the question to try to get different answers? Sure, there's a "chance." But it's pretty delusional to consciously choose to ignore what a person straightforwardly TELLS you just in case there is "a chance" that they did not mean it, or that they were joking or something. Yes, it might be that he "takes commitment seriously." Thus, he knows when it's not what he wants. Your best course of action is to believe him and move on, or be satisfied in a sexual relationship without exclusivity. If your wishes were true, then if you quit seeing him because he does not want exclusivity and you do want it - then he will have a blinding revelation and come rushing back to you asking you to be his exclusive girlfriend. 2
veggirl Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Also, it doesn't matter if your interactions are all about sex or not. The bottomline is you want a R and he doesn't. How long are you willing to wait to see if he changes his mind?
goldengirl11 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 He claims he sees potential in me and that I'm the first woman he has met since his ex that he has dated more than one date, etc. He claims he doesn't want to start the relationship off with baggage. Is there a chance he really is genuine and cares that much that he wants to be sure before he jumps into something? Perhaps he just takes commitment seriously? Am I just justifying this to myself? Every other action he has had had shown me he is into me-- daily contact, compliments, wanting to go on different dates-- it has never been just about the sex. It does sound like he genuinely likes you and wants to take it slowly. Thing is (and talking from experience in a similar situation) if he meets someone else he likes he could well end up seeing both of you with one of you getting dumped. And quite likely you I would guess if you hadn't started having sex yet, but it had already happened with the new person (i.e bonded). So perhaps it would be best to get on with it?
Pierre Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 He claims he sees potential in me and that I'm the first woman he has met since his ex that he has dated more than one date, etc. He claims he doesn't want to start the relationship off with baggage. Is there a chance he really is genuine and cares that much that he wants to be sure before he jumps into something? Perhaps he just takes commitment seriously? Am I just justifying this to myself? Every other action he has had had shown me he is into me-- daily contact, compliments, wanting to go on different dates-- it has never been just about the sex. OK, at most you could one day be his rebound GF. Do you know the fate of a rebound GF? It almost never works!!!:( Rebound relationships are doomed.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 How long ago was his breakup? If it's fairly recent, he's not ready for another relationship and won't be for a while. It doesn't matter how cool you are, if he's not ready, he's just not. Timing and relationship readiness are important factors in the equation, and those are simply what they are.
RedRobin Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 (edited) He claims he sees potential in me and that I'm the first woman he has met since his ex that he has dated more than one date, etc. He claims he doesn't want to start the relationship off with baggage. Is there a chance he really is genuine and cares that much that he wants to be sure before he jumps into something? Perhaps he just takes commitment seriously? Am I just justifying this to myself? Every other action he has had had shown me he is into me-- daily contact, compliments, wanting to go on different dates-- it has never been just about the sex. Hmm... ok... Here's the thing though. If you are looking for a relationship, you need to be devoting your time and energy into someone who is too. There ARE 'go slow' types of men and women. They are consistent with their words and actions.... He has not been consistent with his words and actions. This means he is a risk. If you enjoy spending time with him, I'd suggest telling him you wish to be friends (no sex) and then you go find someone else to date who is ready for and is actively seeking a relationship. Edited July 5, 2012 by RedRobin 1
fishtaco Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 He already said he's not ready for his next relationship. No matter what the circumstances are, you do not want to get involved with someone that's not over their ex's. Also, sex is not a tool. It's not a reward for committing to exclusivity, and it's not a punishment for not committing to exclusivity. If men can be said to be obsessed about having sex, then women can be said to be obsessed about using sex as a "corner stone" to mean something else. If you want to have sex, have it. Consenting adults. Just know that it won't change anything. Sex before exclusivity serves two purposes... 1) fun 2) check box... now you know there is physical attraction, and there is hopefully sexual compatibility. Some people choose to bypass 1) and 2) for their own personal reasons. That's perfectly fine. So have sex, or don't have sex, but either do it or not do it for the right reason. As far as this specific case goes, the only way things can move forward is if HE gets over his ex and changes his mind. The only thing you can do is to either bail out or take the risk and wait for him. Even if you f-k his brains out, it still won't change anything. HE has to make that decision himself. Being a multidater, I'd say let him go. That's right, I recommend multidating to everyone, yet in this case I say it's better to let him go. Because he already told you he's not ready. This is a low success option, and you don't seem to be interested in casual sex, so there's no reason to stay in this predicament. Alternately if you feel you've invested too much in this guy to let go, well, then you also have the option to multidate, doesn't matter if he is or not. The fact that he declined exclusivity is basically a free ticket for you to multidate. In hindsight, you did the right thing. If you want something, it's YOUR responsibility to ask. And you did. Good job. But next time, ask sooner before you're so invested. To the general "you", not necessarily the op: Regarding over-investment, casual sex is always a hot topic. Usually the answer I get from women regarding casual sex are: 1) Religious/moral reasons 2) They become attached after sex Well, 1) I can't argue with. But 2), know that you can become attached through other means. Just because you don't have sex, doesn't mean the attachment won't happen. So to a woman that doesn't want casual sex because she doesn't want to over-invest, then keep your distance and don't spend so much quality time together. You're just doing a disservice to yourself because you avoid one form of over-investment only to stumble into the next one. As a straight forward guy, I like things that makes sense. This aversion to casual sex but jump right in to become attached through other means makes no sense to me. But women make sense? What world do I come from right? 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I think it was good of the guy to tell you he is not interested in the same things you are for your "relationship." A worse character would have just said, "sure," and then disappeared conveniently when he was through.
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