malibustacydoll Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 I have been seeing a guy for about 6 weeks (probably 15+ dates). Perhaps I made the mistake of inquiring about exclusivity. I was declined-- he is recently out of a ltr and isn't ready to jump into something. However, he said he is only dating me. Does this just mean he wants to keep his options open? Should I walk away from this or give it a few more weeks and see what happens? We're close to sex so I inquired because I like exclusivity when sex is on the table. I don't know if this is normal or not because I have always thought that if a guy liked you enough nothing would stop him from wanting to be with you.
WeAllMightBeNuts Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 15 dates! He's probably just over it from frustration.
Author malibustacydoll Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 15 dates! He's probably just over it from frustration. Thing is-- he has been VERY patient with me in terms of when I want to have sex-- quite a gentleman. He also has showed every other sign of interest- wanting to see me often, staying in nearly daily contact, etc... Am I being irrational? Is it better to just have sex and hope for the best?
InJest Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 He already said he's not looking to get into anything serious, so having sex with him probably won't change his mind. If you like how he treats you and you like spending time with him, then have sex, otherwise move on. Six weeks and 15 dates..most guys with any sense of self worth would have dropped you by now whether they're looking for a cheap lay or a relationship.
WeAllMightBeNuts Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Thing is-- he has been VERY patient with me in terms of when I want to have sex-- quite a gentleman. He also has showed every other sign of interest- wanting to see me often, staying in nearly daily contact, etc... Am I being irrational? Is it better to just have sex and hope for the best? I can't answer those questions. The question I do have is why he is not pushing for sex. I know I would have already started ripping your clothes off.
Author malibustacydoll Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 I can't answer those questions. The question I do have is why he is not pushing for sex. I know I would have already started ripping your clothes off. He IS. We have been in intimate situations but no sex. I have always pushed him away from it because I am not ready. I realized I am not ready because I like exclusivity. I don't want exclusivity to be a tool to trade for sex though. We both are interested in it and very attracted to one another.
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Wow. Why such a pattern of getting involved with men who does not want to progress in a relationship in a compatible way with how YOU want to? From February: However, from what we have talked about he puts a high value on sexuality. He thinks two people should be together sexually and determine if they click before they become serious. I usually require the relationship part first before I am ready to sleep with someone. As far as I'm concerned, there is no question and no issue. If YOU need to know you are exclusive before you have sex, then that is up to YOU. If the guy is not like minded, then you best move on to someone who is. But, I would encourage you to look at why you seem to put yourself in similar situations repeatedly. 3
Author malibustacydoll Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Wow. Why such a pattern of getting involved with men who does not want to progress in a relationship in a compatible way with how YOU want to? From February: As far as I'm concerned, there is no question and no issue. If YOU need to know you are exclusive before you have sex, then that is up to YOU. If the guy is not like minded, then you best move on to someone who is. But, I would encourage you to look at why you seem to put yourself in similar situations repeatedly. I see what you're saying. The guy from February though is VERY different. These men are complete opposites. The other guy I recognize as being a player, traveler, not a guy to settle down ever. This guy I am seeing now does appear to be very genuine and take things seriously-- I even think he'd continue dating me if I said no sex for the time being... I just don't know if I should wait.
WeAllMightBeNuts Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 He IS. We have been in intimate situations but no sex. I have always pushed him away from it because I am not ready. I realized I am not ready because I like exclusivity. I don't want exclusivity to be a tool to trade for sex though. We both are interested in it and very attracted to one another. Sounds reasonable to me. He's out of a LTR and won't proclaim exclusivity quickly. What's funny is if he said he was soooo into you that you would probably have less worry and interest. I don't think any person that has it reasonably together just coming out of a LTR wants to declare exclusivity quickly. So that could be a good thing. Sex thing, you decide. All signs point to go in my opinion.
Author malibustacydoll Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Sounds reasonable to me. He's out of a LTR and won't proclaim exclusivity quickly. What's funny is if he said he was soooo into you that you would probably have less worry and interest. I don't think any person that has it reasonably together just coming out of a LTR wants to declare exclusivity quickly. So that could be a good thing. Sex thing, you decide. All signs point to go in my opinion. I absolutely respect that he isn't ready to jump into something. I am also out of a ltr within the last several months and not looking for something super serious. I'm not asking for some serious commitment, marriage, moving in, love, etc.. I am wanting to know that after he sleeps with me he's not going out later that night to try to pick up another woman or sleeping with someone else.
WeAllMightBeNuts Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 I absolutely respect that he isn't ready to jump into something. I am also out of a ltr within the last several months and not looking for something super serious. I'm not asking for some serious commitment, marriage, moving in, love, etc.. I am wanting to know that after he sleeps with me he's not going out later that night to try to pick up another woman or sleeping with someone else. You are looking for guarantees for your emotional well being and protection from heartbreak. Some like to label it "signs" to make it easier to accept they are asking for this. Signs=Guarantees You get to a point where there are none. Sooner or later you have to untie the boat if you want to sail to the tropical island. You'll either make it or the boat will sink. Life.
Author malibustacydoll Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 You are looking for guarantees for your emotional well being and protection from heartbreak. Some like to label it "signs" to make it easier to accept they are asking for this. Signs=Guarantees You get to a point where there are none. Sooner or later you have to untie the boat if you want to sail to the tropical island. You'll either make it or the boat will sink. Life. I absolutely get that heartbreak can happen either way. I'm just not cool with being vulnerable with someone if they're still actively looking for someone else.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 What is it that you don't get about this guy not wanting to be exclusive with you or in a relationship? What is it that you think in a few weeks is going to make him change his mind? Why in the world do you think you somehow pressured him too early? I mean 15 dates! are you kidding me? and you haven't even had a serious conversation about this...I think it's a little bit past the "whats your favorite movie" phase here. I'm not sure how old you are, I'm hoping very young so that I can make sense of your mentality of wishful thinking and 15 date normal pace of what you would expect a guy to date you for without any inquiry about what he's interested in. Why do you think a guy doesn't say anything or avoids that particular topic? you think it's just coincidence? And why do you think this guy is so careful with you? maybe because you pulled the good girl card? maybe because he's getting it somewhere else in the meantime? Bottom line is this guy is just waiting it out, taking his time but he has no intention of being in a relationship with you, the excuse of just getting out of a relationship so he doesn't want to get in one is just a buffer...why? because when a person really is into someone else then the rules always seem to bend a little bit don't they? Little strange that he'd be dating too don't you think If he felt that strongly about it hmmm? and don't bet on his emotions changing afterward, men don't work that way he's already got his mind made up in terms of being with you in the long-term. Calling BS on this guy, he only hasn't hit it yet because you aren't letting him and pushing him away...nothing you're doing now is making the chances of this turning into something long-term is doing anything to increasing the chances any better...he's attracted to you want wants the V, you're attracted to him and going to give it up soon...to expect him to want something more after that when he's already said what he's looking for is an extremely foolish and naive mentality. You think If you dangle sex in front of his face for exclusivity he won't just give in to get it? It's an easy loophole to avoid since he can just back out at any time. Look if you want to sleep with the guy sleep the guy, but don't expect anything exclusive or a relationship, you're the girl a guy is with after a relationship that isn't the serious girl, you're the "having a good time" girl and don't be surprised if you start becoming more attached to him after sex. All I'm saying is to be realistic, women think they're so coy and clever that It'll just be light fun for now then later on down the road he's going to magically want something more serious...when a guy says he isn't interested in a relationship he's saying right now and down the road...he doesn't care about later on, he's not thinking that maybe this will become something, he's in the moment not going to merrily go down the road with this and then a shooting star will fly by and he'll just stop for a minute and think "Hmm I feel ready"...he wants to be single and play the field and you're just a pit stop along the way. But damn, after 15 dates I'm sure he's thinking he's just got to get it...I don't see him backing away after that kind of an investment regardless of what he has to say at this point. I don't know how you can take he's only interested in dating you as anything remotely serious now or down the road, what else does a guy have to say to you? I don't think you're relationship material, or marriage material so this is all this will be? Go ahead ask him.. - What are you looking for right now? - What do you want with me? - How long do you think It'll take you to want a relationship again? - Are you seeing or sleeping with anyone else right now? - After 15 dates why are you still seeing me? - What do you think and how you feel when I say I want exclusivity with sex? Go ahead bust his balls at this....the majority of guys fail at this because they don't want to give you the real answers and you know what's on his mind right now...sex. But maybe you need to see how little he is thinking of this yourself. 6
day-dreaming Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 What is it that you don't get about this guy not wanting to be exclusive with you or in a relationship? What is it that you think in a few weeks is going to make him change his mind? Why in the world do you think you somehow pressured him too early? I mean 15 dates! are you kidding me? and you haven't even had a serious conversation about this...I think it's a little bit past the "whats your favorite movie" phase here. I'm not sure how old you are, I'm hoping very young so that I can make sense of your mentality of wishful thinking and 15 date normal pace of what you would expect a guy to date you for without any inquiry about what he's interested in. Why do you think a guy doesn't say anything or avoids that particular topic? you think it's just coincidence? And why do you think this guy is so careful with you? maybe because you pulled the good girl card? maybe because he's getting it somewhere else in the meantime? Bottom line is this guy is just waiting it out, taking his time but he has no intention of being in a relationship with you, the excuse of just getting out of a relationship so he doesn't want to get in one is just a buffer...why? because when a person really is into someone else then the rules always seem to bend a little bit don't they? Little strange that he'd be dating too don't you think If he felt that strongly about it hmmm? and don't bet on his emotions changing afterward, men don't work that way he's already got his mind made up in terms of being with you in the long-term. Calling BS on this guy, he only hasn't hit it yet because you aren't letting him and pushing him away...nothing you're doing now is making the chances of this turning into something long-term is doing anything to increasing the chances any better...he's attracted to you want wants the V, you're attracted to him and going to give it up soon...to expect him to want something more after that when he's already said what he's looking for is an extremely foolish and naive mentality. You think If you dangle sex in front of his face for exclusivity he won't just give in to get it? It's an easy loophole to avoid since he can just back out at any time. Look if you want to sleep with the guy sleep the guy, but don't expect anything exclusive or a relationship, you're the girl a guy is with after a relationship that isn't the serious girl, you're the "having a good time" girl and don't be surprised if you start becoming more attached to him after sex. All I'm saying is to be realistic, women think they're so coy and clever that It'll just be light fun for now then later on down the road he's going to magically want something more serious...when a guy says he isn't interested in a relationship he's saying right now and down the road...he doesn't care about later on, he's not thinking that maybe this will become something, he's in the moment not going to merrily go down the road with this and then a shooting star will fly by and he'll just stop for a minute and think "Hmm I feel ready"...he wants to be single and play the field and you're just a pit stop along the way. But damn, after 15 dates I'm sure he's thinking he's just got to get it...I don't see him backing away after that kind of an investment regardless of what he has to say at this point. I don't know how you can take he's only interested in dating you as anything remotely serious now or down the road, what else does a guy have to say to you? I don't think you're relationship material, or marriage material so this is all this will be? Go ahead ask him.. - What are you looking for right now? - What do you want with me? - How long do you think It'll take you to want a relationship again? - Are you seeing or sleeping with anyone else right now? - After 15 dates why are you still seeing me? - What do you think and how you feel when I say I want exclusivity with sex? Go ahead bust his balls at this....the majority of guys fail at this because they don't want to give you the real answers and you know what's on his mind right now...sex. But maybe you need to see how little he is thinking of this yourself. I'm in my mid 20s and have met many guys like you describe-- yet he doesn't seem to be like that. He has said he is looking for long term and sees potential in me. I think he is hung up on his ex and that situation-- perhaps you're right and I need to stop seeing him. The problem is he seems rather genuine (my bs meter has always been rather good).
ThingsAreComplicated Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Am I being irrational? Is it better to just have sex and hope for the best? yeah having sex is always better
funlady Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 I was in a situation like this once, about 8 years ago. We ended up dating but about 4 months in he said he wanted to see other people too. I was surprised because he never said he wanted to multidate, he just mentioned he didn't want anything serious. I thought that not labeling our relationship would work but no such luck. I ended it and he apologized for misleading me.... Needless to say he started dating his next gf (now wife/mother of his children) less than 1 month later. So in reality, he just didn't want a relationship with ME. 2
Pierre Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 OP: I applaud you for not having sex too soon. Men tend to enjoy the chase and often lose interest after finally having sex. This has been a very long chase to obtain sex and this has caused confusion. Many men in this thread already stated they would have dropped you for not putting out. This guy is steady and one would think he is genuine and not one of these losers. However, he told you he does not want a relationship. Lets repeat that again: HE DOES NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP. Did you get that? When a man really likes a woman he has a relationship with her. Did you get that? So what is this guy doing? He simply wants to get you in the sac and is sticking around because you are a challenge. However, after 15 dates he does not think you are relationship material. If you have sex with this man he will fade away and you will feel like crap. Please read Funlady above. 1
RedRobin Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 (edited) If you are looking for a relationship, I suggest you only date men who are relationship-minded... This guy said he's not looking for a relationship because he is just out of a LTR. My thought is... who the heck cares why he doesn't want a relationship? IMHO, he shouldn't have even qualified for a 2nd or 3rd date if he said he wasn't ready for anything serious with anyone. Once you check the "is he relationship-minded" box, then you look for mutual compatibility and consistency... circle back around on the 'exclusivity' once more. THEN you have sex. If any of those things are not in place, then you are taking a risk. I agree with the others that it is a poor risk at that. Most people don't flat out lie about their intentions. Even when they do on the surface, a little digging and time is all that is necessary to sus the truth out of the situation. Edited July 4, 2012 by RedRobin 2
day-dreaming Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 OP: I applaud you for not having sex too soon. Men tend to enjoy the chase and often lose interest after finally having sex. This has been a very long chase to obtain sex and this has caused confusion. Many men in this thread already stated they would have dropped you for not putting out. This guy is steady and one would think he is genuine and not one of these losers. However, he told you he does not want a relationship. Lets repeat that again: HE DOES NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP. Did you get that? When a man really likes a woman he has a relationship with her. Did you get that? So what is this guy doing? He simply wants to get you in the sac and is sticking around because you are a challenge. However, after 15 dates he does not think you are relationship material. If you have sex with this man he will fade away and you will feel like crap. Please read Funlady above. He seems to say all of the right things to indicate he is interested in more but doesn't want to rush it. He also appears to still want to hangout and take sex off the table until he is emotionally ready. Is that something a guy actually does if he deems you worth it? I guess I am rather confused because I have not come across that before. Perhaps he likes my company and wants to keep me around regardless of sex-- but doesn't want a relationship now-- or ever?
Pierre Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 He seems to say all of the right things to indicate he is interested in more but doesn't want to rush it. He also appears to still want to hangout and take sex off the table until he is emotionally ready. Is that something a guy actually does if he deems you worth it? I guess I am rather confused because I have not come across that before. Perhaps he likes my company and wants to keep me around regardless of sex-- but doesn't want a relationship now-- or ever? The guy said he does not want a relationship. That means YOU ARE NOT THE ONE. However, he will be able to have sex with you and be your friend. He has put you in the friend zone or wants a friend with benefits. He does not want a BF/GF relationship. Listen to what he says.. 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 He seems to say all of the right things to indicate he is interested in more but doesn't want to rush it. He also appears to still want to hangout and take sex off the table until he is emotionally ready. Is that something a guy actually does if he deems you worth it? I guess I am rather confused because I have not come across that before. Perhaps he likes my company and wants to keep me around regardless of sex-- but doesn't want a relationship now-- or ever? What happened to MalibuStacy? 1
Pierre Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 What happened to MalibuStacy? I saw that. I believe poster has two handles and she forgot which she used as OP.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I agree this guy does not want a relationship with YOU. It's good you haven't slept with him yet. That'll make it much easier for you to move on.
goldengirl11 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I agree this guy does not want a relationship with YOU. It's good you haven't slept with him yet. That'll make it much easier for you to move on. I think it's possible that this man could change his mind when he's not so fresh out of his LTR, but sounds like he may want to keep his options open too for the timebeing.
Author malibustacydoll Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 He claims he sees potential in me and that I'm the first woman he has met since his ex that he has dated more than one date, etc. He claims he doesn't want to start the relationship off with baggage. Is there a chance he really is genuine and cares that much that he wants to be sure before he jumps into something? Perhaps he just takes commitment seriously? Am I just justifying this to myself? Every other action he has had had shown me he is into me-- daily contact, compliments, wanting to go on different dates-- it has never been just about the sex.
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