Oh. So. Awkward.

[Emilia]

I tread carefully as much as I can around remarks that may make me sound "cocky" (I might fail at it at times), so I try to speak in general terms that may or may not include myself. I don't want other men to feel that I'm just bashing on them for their experience and making them feel worse about it. I don't have anything to prove here.

 

If it was my experience I would be open about it, even If it was embarrassing.

 

I understand but I think it's good to provide the perspective you have experience of. We are all different as we grow, I'm more confident now when I was younger - which is expected as I am 40 years old. So I tend to give a 40 year-old Emilia's perspective. You can always cavaet I suppose and say this is how you are now but when you were younger/less experienced your perspective was different. 'Cocky' can be comforting as well when a person relates to the experience.

[Emilia]

Actually,

 

How does one even get to the sexual stage, if there is no chemistry or sexual urges?

 

Care to explain?

 

Anyone?

 

You can have sexual urges and when you get down to it you realise the attraction you had wasn't sustainable

[Ninjainpajamas]

I am more experienced than he is...from what he's told me, the number of years I've been having sex/the number of partners I've had is more than twice his. I've also got more relationship experience under my belt. And he's several years older than me.

 

You should have probably taken control then and ridden him like an untamed stallion. You could have also eased him into the mood with candles and what not...maybe even given him a nice massage (because his would have probably sucked honestly), then you could rode him screaming "Yippeeeee!....you're such a naughty naughty boy, f*ck me f*ck me! Oh it's SOOO big, my face is like....meeelting blaaaahhhhhhbbbbbaarrrrrrr"

[tigressA]

Actually,

 

How does one even get to the sexual stage, if there is no chemistry or sexual urges?

 

Care to explain?

 

Anyone?

 

There was A LOT of chemistry up until last night. The most I had felt in a couple of years. Until last night I was doing my damnedest to not have sex with him. But then shortly after he got here we both admitted the vibe was a little awkward. There was a natural progression, but once we got down to it, it felt...meager and uncomfortable.

[tigressA]

You should have probably taken control then and ridden him like an untamed stallion. You could have also eased him into the mood with candles and what not...maybe even given him a nice massage (because his would have probably sucked honestly), then you could rode him screaming "Yippeeeee!....you're such a naughty naughty boy, f*ck me f*ck me! Oh it's SOOO big, my face is like....meeelting blaaaahhhhhhbbbbbaarrrrrrr"

 

:lmao::lmao:

 

I'll take that into consideration for the next time. Which will most likely be with someone new.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I understand but I think it's good to provide the perspective you have experience of. We are all different as we grow, I'm more confident now when I was younger - which is expected as I am 40 years old. So I tend to give a 40 year-old Emilia's perspective. You can always cavaet I suppose and say this is how you are now but when you were younger/less experienced your perspective was different. 'Cocky' can be comforting as well when a person relates to the experience.

 

There are other ways in which I can relate to men, I may not have experienced that exact experience but I know myself well, I know how "sex works"...I have had nerves before, If it wasn't for my strong sexual drive and ability to focus maybe I would have had that exact experience. I'm also aware that other men may be reading this, look at the amount of views of some of these posts and how little of us actually respond and comment on the boards. So I'm taking into consideration the guy who's maybe had a moment or few and feels discouraged and bad about it, maybe I didn't have his exact experience but I want them to know that I can relate and I do know how the psychological, emotional part plays into the role of sex.

 

At any rate I hear your advice and I'll probably be more forthcoming about what is my actual experience even If it may come off a bit arrogant which is not my intention...I wouldn't be coming to some online forum to stroke my ego that's for sure, I'd be using the tools I already have and doing other real life things. My main goal is to help out here, It's not about me is what I'm saying basically.

 

Sorry for hijacking your post tigressA....Emilia made me do it I try to avoid that as well and try to stay on topic to the post or not usually comment again most of the time.

[Oxy Moronovich]

what the heck is wrong with you?! You turned this into a negative thing... You make out as if the OP has done something wrong... she hasn't..

No, the OP turned it into a negative thing. I don't judge a woman who has one night stands and casual sex any less than I'd judge a woman who waits three months for sex. Nor do I believe a virgin is automatically better than a woman whose had 20 partners.

 

It's the OP who had to come here and make some facesaving post. She assumes people will judge her negatively if she blatantly says she only wanted casual sex (which is true, people will judge her negatively). She overlooks the fact that people won't judge her one way or the other for having casual sex (also true, many people don't care).

 

I make no negative judgements regarding a woman having casual sex. I judge negatively women who think facesaving BS like "lack of chemistry" is necessary. If a woman wants casual sex she should enjoy it and stop worrying about the negative opinion of prudes.

[Emilia]

At any rate I hear your advice and I'll probably be more forthcoming about what is my actual experience even If it may come off a bit arrogant which is not my intention...I wouldn't be coming to some online forum to stroke my ego that's for sure, I'd be using the tools I already have and doing other real life things. My main goal is to help out here, It's not about me is what I'm saying basically.

 

Didn't mean it to be advice! Just observation. People appreciate your perspective here

 

Sorry for hijacking your post tigressA....Emilia made me do it I try to avoid that as well and try to stay on topic to the post or not usually comment again most of the time.

 

SORRY!

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm not buying the OP's post one damn bit. Women want casual sex just as much as men but they don't wanna deal with the stigma of being labeled slutty. So most women will use some face-saving mechanism: "I had sex because I was drunk." or "I wanted an intimate moment but there was no chemistry so I broke it off."

 

The OP only wanted casual sex and nothing more. The "lack of chemistry" argument is face-saving BS. I can't believe you folks bought it.

 

Sorry, dude, but TA is always perfectly upfront about wanting casual sex. She needs to make no excuses.

 

"Lack of chemistry" would make ANY sex a big drag, casual or not. Unless you were too drunk or high to notice, maybe.

[Mme. Chaucer]

No, the OP turned it into a negative thing.

 

It evidently WAS a negative thing. Not because it was casual sex, but because it was CRAPPY SEX.

 

You have such a mighty preconceived notion about "the way things are" that you don't even bother to read what people put out here. There is no face saving (unless it's simply a general embarrassed feeling about naked fumbling awkwardness that was supposed to be smoking hot) here.

 

If you want to participate in the threads of a "regular" like TA, why don't you pay a little attention to the person she actually is rather than just barfing out all your dumb prejudices about women on her?

[Emilia]

I judge negatively women who think facesaving BS like "lack of chemistry" is necessary. If a woman wants casual sex she should enjoy it and stop worrying about the negative opinion of prudes.

 

I think TigressA tends to be pretty fearless when it comes to posting, not really sure why you think she is changing her pattern

[Leigh 87]

There was A LOT of chemistry up until last night. The most I had felt in a couple of years. Until last night I was doing my damnedest to not have sex with him. But then shortly after he got here we both admitted the vibe was a little awkward. There was a natural progression, but once we got down to it, it felt...meager and uncomfortable.

 

Wow, that's interesting!

 

For me, it is about lack of respect and tenderness from the other person... Basically, the guy has to like me a great deal, and I have to feel comfortable.......

You had the chemistry there, but what about the level of comfort and ease you both had about each other?

 

Since the chemistry was there, a theory I have on this situation, is that chemistry was not enough, alone, without some sort of mutual bond, where both people " feel it".

He liked you from the outset ( who wouldn't, you sound like a great catch!), and you had chemistry, but the fact he liked you may how have been enough to truly make you feel good about being with him.

 

I am alluding to the fact a guy may liked you and think highly enough of you, but you may not have not reached a stage where he really cares that much about you yet....

I have to have a level of care from a guy... thinking highly of me, and chemistry is not enough for me.

[Leigh 87]

I think TigressA tends to be pretty fearless when it comes to posting, not really sure why you think she is changing her pattern

 

 

 

Yeah man, leave Tigress alone, she is cool!

 

And moronovich is missing the point.. That sometimes, when it comes down to sex, it just does not feel right; it feels awkward and it is not a very pleasant experience.

 

It is something worth opening up for discussion, because it must be disconcerting to have chemistry, want to get into each others pants, and yet totally miss judge how it woud unfold!

 

Normally, people with chemistry, and who are attracted and think highly enough of each other, happily have sex without what he OP experienced. Sometimes though, mutual attraction and chemistry is not enough!

 

I am slightly scared myself now! You know, thinking I am hot for a guy, only to be.... dissapointed!

[tigressA]

I appreciate the defense ladies, but it's not needed. I'd rather people stay on topic than entertain posts meant to incite a gender war.

 

Anyway, I have some more thoughts. Perhaps EasyHeart and Ninja are right in that some guys prefer to 'seduce' a woman into bed and that being ordered over in a booty call isn't their ideal. The last couple of times we were together were particularly hot and he was trying to get me to go all the way, saying all these sexy things. I think if we had done it in that sort of circumstance it would've been amazing.

 

Then there's also the issue of how I think about/see him. Upon some reflection, I don't think he's particularly interesting. I don't think we mesh too well intellectually or emotionally. As I said in an earlier post, we easily misunderstand each other. With other casual sex partners, I did have more than a physical connection and there was at least one other thing about them other than their looks/how they made me feel in bed that I genuinely liked and respected, sometimes even loved. I don't feel that way with this guy. A few days ago he sent me a cute little text about something I do (not sexual) that he likes and how endearing it is. I never responded because I couldn't come up with anything in kind to say back to him.

[Emilia]

I think it just wore off as you got to know him more. It happens

[WeAllMightBeNuts]

Had one partner with zero sexual chemistry. I zigged they zagged. Just wasn't worth a damn. And I keep my pimp hand strong!

 

With others there didn't have to be talking (other than dirty) or direction. Zigged and zagged together right in time. Just in the zone. Usually can't find an article of clothing afterwards. No B.S. Rolled up in the sheets at the foot of the bed or behind a dresser.

 

That's the way it's got to be for me.

[carhill]

Back to the drawing board.

 

Any lessons learned here? Each experience is good information.

 

Here's something which caught my attention:

 

In the end I even said, "I'm not concerned with what you want. I care about what I want. If we're on the same wavelength, cool. If there's a problem, something you want to know, ask. Be proactive. Talk. Aside from that, I don't care and I won't be talking about it."

 

Inviting communication is healthy. The first part, while direct, could have put a damper on any desire he had to 'care' in bed, sexually. As a man, I'd suggest a different, more synergistic, path. Neither he nor you are masturbation aids. You're both humans. Try something else next time and see how it works. Or, try this style again with a different man for comparison. In any event, this was a miss. Good luck.

[tigressA]

Any lessons learned here? Each experience is good information.

 

Here's something which caught my attention:

 

 

 

Inviting communication is healthy. The first part, while direct, could have put a damper on any desire he had to 'care' in bed, sexually. As a man, I'd suggest a different, more synergistic, path. Neither he nor you are masturbation aids. You're both humans. Try something else next time and see how it works. Or, try this style again with a different man for comparison. In any event, this was a miss. Good luck.

 

When I said that, it wasn't about sex. It was about dating/relationships. We were talking about that...or rather, he was rambling and I was having trouble following, and got bored. Neither of us knows what we really want right now relationship-wise. Last time we saw each other before last night, he asked if I was intimate with other guys and after I teased him a bit, I said no, and he said he wasn't involved with anyone else either.

 

This last conversation regarding it, I clearly stated we are friends who f*ck and that was it, that I can't see myself dating him because I need more of a connection with someone than what I have with him. I said if he wants to know what I'm thinking or about other options I'm entertaining, he can ask and I'll tell him and if there are any issues we can discuss it; if he doesn't ask then I assume he doesn't care to know.

 

I have no clue what he thinks of me and/or our situation, in part because I don't care very much, and also because he's so vague and confusing when talking of it.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

This last conversation regarding it, I clearly stated we are friends who f*ck and that was it, that I can't see myself dating him because I need more of a connection with someone than what I have with him. I said if he wants to know what I'm thinking or about other options I'm entertaining, he can ask and I'll tell him and if there are any issues we can discuss it; if he doesn't ask then I assume he doesn't care to know.

 

.

 

Between this and the "I don't care what you want" conversation (even though I understand that you weren't referring to sex), it sounds like very dampening talk and exactly the opposite of what would be good for keeping a smoldering fire hot.

[tigressA]

Between this and the "I don't care what you want" conversation (even though I understand that you weren't referring to sex), it sounds like very dampening talk and exactly the opposite of what would be good for keeping a smoldering fire hot.

 

Yeah, agreed. All that was said together, though--with the "I don't care what you want". He wanted to know what I thought, so I told him. I figured it was at least better than his circle-talk since it was definitely straightforward.

[kaylan]

Im sorry OP, but how old are you? You sound very immature here.

 

Most adults know that the first few times you have sex with someone are far from perfect or rarely great. You have to take time to learn each others bodies.

 

I guess you didnt really like this guy at all if you ready to throw him to the curb and start canceling on him, instead of trying to actually take time to learn how to make each other tick.

 

If I had done what youre doing I would have never had the best sex life Ive had with a girl with my ex.

 

PS - Is this how some women treat sex nowadays? That if it isnt amazing the first time around like in the movies, theyll throw you away?

[Mme. Chaucer]

What it probably boils down to is an answer to the question you posed yourself in another thread - about having sex with a person you are very attracted to but actively dislike.

 

I think the actively dislike part gained precedence.

[tigressA]

Im sorry OP, but how old are you? You sound very immature here.

 

Most adults know that the first few times you have sex with someone are far from perfect or rarely great. You have to take time to learn each others bodies.

 

I guess you didnt really like this guy at all if you ready to throw him to the curb and start canceling on him, instead of trying to actually take time to learn how to make each other tick.

 

If I had done what youre doing I would have never had the best sex life Ive had with a girl with my ex.

 

PS - Is this how some women treat sex nowadays? That if it isnt amazing the first time around like in the movies, theyll throw you away?

 

Ugh. Where did I say that I expected it to be perfect or amazing? Please show me.

 

I DID expect it to not be nearly as awkward as it was, particularly as on our last four dates we'd basically done everything but 'insert A into B' and it was awesome. Also, I have almost never had awkward or otherwise bad first-time sex, though from what you and some others may say I should count myself lucky for that. Even my very first time lacked awkwardness. For me, if the sex is as awkward as this was the first time around, especially if everything up to that point was so promising, it doesn't bode well for future encounters.

 

In addition, I'm not looking to date this guy.

[kaylan]

Btw...the point of my initial post was that it seems very silly to throw away something especially when high attraction exists.

 

My ex and I were awkward physically(even with kissing) when we first started dating. But the attraction was high, and we meshed styles and created something that was new and great. I always felt I learned what true passion was with her.

 

So I think if the attraction is there, then thats a good foundation for some great sex, if you take your time to enjoy yourselves and not force the situation. Find what works. And I do think alcohol would loosen up the nerves since you both seemed to over inflate expectations of your hookup. Its never good to do that

[MrCastle]

I'm just curious what the response would be if a guy was on here gushing about a dating prospect, how much he connected with her, etc etc, and then dropped her because the sex was bad.