Trouble dealing with daughters career/life choices

[CascadiaLady]

I know this will sound like something straight out of the Jerry Springer show, but it is true. I am the mother of an adult daughter, age 21. I've raised her by herself since age 6 when her father (my ex-husband) decided to walk out of a 9 1/2 year marriage for "greener pastures."

 

Most of those years I focused on trying to be mother and father to my only child while keeping us both fed, clothed, housed and putting myself through college and holding down a full time job. I did all the things a good parent is supposed to do...take her to church, cultural events, participate in girl scouts, hug, sing together etc. Most of those years I remember as being happy ones .She confided in me, and we both took pride that we had a close and loving relationship, not fully of strife like so many of her peers. In fact, I was considered the "cool" mom according to her and her friends. Yes, I put a lot of my own personal wishes/desires on the back burner ie dating so I could be there for her, but I never resented it as dating wasn't something I was too wildly successful at then or even now. I waited to look for a boyfriend until her senior year of high school, and met my boyfriend a month before her graduation.

 

However, after she turned 18 and left home, things changed dramatically. She was supposedly going to massage therapy school and working as a waitress. Well, in the past year, I've discovered that she is actually working in the adult entertainment industry as a model/dancer/actress and apparently engaged in a lifestyle which I consider very sexually deviant! I know this because of an email which was inadvertently sent to me but meant for someone else. I confronted her about this "secret" life. She basically has told me to "butt out" and then hit me with both barrels about how "selfish" I am and was never there for her and never gave her the love she needed. She's become very surly and rude, and I can't help but think that she's being influenced by her new "Hollywood" friends to treat me in such a disrespectful manner. To hear her talk, I was the worst mother in the world. My friends tell me I should "cut her off" but I feel like I can't do that...yet it sickens me that she has chosen to live as she does. I feel she's thrown away every value I've ever taught her...and everyone will say it's my fault she's doing what she's doing. I didn't even allow porn in my house (the closest thing to it would've been the occasional Harlequin romance novel), so how could this be? Now I am beginning to wonder if maybe I should've let her live with her father and his 2d wife, maybe she needed a more "stable" intact family than what I was able to give her. She does live with him part time now, and he says there's nothing I could've done...she made her choice, but it's cold comfort coming from him to tell you the truth. I realize I really should let go, but it frightens me that if I do, something bad will happen and it would be my fault for abandoning her.

 

I am wondering what I should do and how I can cope with basically losing the happy relationship my only child like this? Any advice you can give would be most grateful.

[msrealdoll]

Oh, God. Reading this reminded me so much of my relationship with my daughter...ouch!

 

My daughter went through a very rebellious period just after her HS graduation. Up to that point, we were very close, I was the 'cool mom', she was very open with me, etc. She engaged in some behaviors that truly shocked me; nothing so bad as what you've described, but bad enough to affect her life negatively for years. Thankfully, her rebellion only lasted about 18 months.

 

Having the benefit of 6 years hindsight, I know now that she was terribly scared of what would come after graduation. She felt like she had lost direction in her life, and that I had somewhat abandoned her. (I got a boyfriend just before she graduated.) She said she didn't feel ready to be an adult.

 

I think I spoiled her too much. I think I was far too accepting of her-I should have been more strict about her behavior. I think I was too much like a friend, and not enough like a parent. She never went through a rebellious phase until she was 18.

 

She lives with me now, and our relationship is great. She is on the right path. Thankfully, she didn't do anything during her rebellious phase that would haunt her for long-like having a child.

 

The best advice I can give you is to be patient, and she should grow out of this. Be there for her when she needs you-but only if she asks for help. Don't force yourself on her. Try not to do anything to push her away-but don't allow her to drag you down.

 

It's a rare child that can learn from the mistakes of others. Unfortunately, our children have to learn from their own. Just pray that her mistakes don't cost her too much, and don't follow her for the rest of her life.

[Varacha]

I'm sorry to hear about your daughters lifestyle choices. As I don't have any children of my own I can only offer you the opinion of a child around the same age group. In my case I got a job working in a bar granted thats not all that terrible but my parents were and sometimes still are concerned about my comings and goings at all hours of the nights. My mom was concerned about some of my friends I made as they were strippers or dancers both male and female, however instead of her trying to convince me that this lifestyle was a bad choice she just sat there and said make your own choices. I introduced her to some of these people and most of them are good people, she's now more comfortable with my friends and my choice of how I make my living. perhaps ask your daughter to invite some of her friends over for dinner, and get to know them, you might be surprised by them.

[brashgal]

I don't think you should 'abandon her' or 'cut her off', I'd try to maintain contact. It sounds like you are just going to have to wait on her and let her work all this out of her system. Let her know she can come home, let her know that she has other options, let her know that you worry about her but don't dwell on it too much or you'll just push her further away.

[meanon]

I think it's telling that she only accused you of being a bad parent when you attacked her lifestyle. From what you said, before that you were close. I know it must be hard and you have a right to make your views known but it's her life. Just because she has made choices of which you disapprove does not mean that she is not worthy of your love. It may well have been fear of this reaction that made her so hostile to you when you confronted her. Please do not cut her off, she may well find it hard to ask for your help if she needs it in the future.

[moimeme]

I can't help but think that she's being influenced by her new "Hollywood" friends to treat me in such a disrespectful manner

 

Parents always think people are influenced by their friends. Few people are that malleable, at least not by the time they've attained the age of majority. She has made her choices independently and it's nothing to do with you or her friends.

 

I agree that you shouldn't cut her off. Nor should you worry what other people think. If she gets herself in trouble, she'll need support. And maybe, just maybe, you brought up a strong and smart lady who is actually going to get herself out of this eventually relatively unscathed. Even if she doesn't, she's your own daughter and will always need you.

[CascadiaLady]

I got an email last night from my daughter. While she says she won't give up the dancing or the modeling, she is definitely getting out of the films. She says they were "boring" but I like to think that maybe me and her father were a bit more influential in helping her realize that was a path that was leading down the toilet. Not perfect, but it's at least a start....

[supermom]

That is so good to hear! Maybe her modeling career will take off and she'll be successful.

 

Good luck

[Fayebelle]

I am very happy that your mind has been relieved. My mom and I had a relationship similar to yours. I made different choices than your daughter but she and I still had friction in my early 20s ( to be honest we still have trouble at times ) I think it's almost harder when you are close b/c what you see as guidance we see as an attempt to govern at a time where we are trying to determine what being an adult is all about. I promise- as frustrated as you are your daughter is just as confused. The best step is to stay close and listen- try not to offer advice unless it is requested. She'll appreciate your opinion more when she realizes she wants to hear it. I wish you lots of luck because I know how sticky this can get.