understanding4you Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I just moved in with my SO after years of dating. I work a fulltime job and am in school for Nursing as well. I start my day at 9am and dont get home until 9pm everyday during the week. My partner was aware of this very intensive schedule of mine, but I still feel like he just doesn't understand how hard it really is. His day ends at 3 o' clock leaving him with an entire half of a day of leisure time. We've come to an agreement that he would do most of the cooking being that he has the entire day in his hands to do so. He always complains though that he's bored & sometimes makes comments about how he wishes I could do a little more around the house. I get upset because I do as much as I can. I always clean up after myself, occasionally cook, fold clothes, do laundry, clean, etc. Some things he may do more than me (like laundry & cooking) because he has so much more time & i'm exhausted by the time I come home, that once I shower and eat, I literally have 30 minutes of study time before I'm falling asleep, and that's no where near enough! I was trying to play my "role" and I wish I could do more. I want to be able to cook up new things. Make him feel like I can take care of him. I want to be able to "hold it down" in our house, but right now I just can't with this extensive schedule. Even when the weekends come, we're booked the entire two days because of the plans he makes & that takes away from my studying time too. Yesterday, I got home a little earlier from class at around 8:15 and he wasn't there, so obviously no cooking was done. He said he went out to visit his friend because he was so bored home. When he got home around 9 he said he didn't feel like cooking because it was too late. I agreed & said it was fine. He said he was going to make himself a sandwich and I asked him if he could make me one as well. It's now 9 oclock, I just finished folding clothes and showering so I HAD TO study for the three- chapter exam I have today. I just didn't want to waste anymore time. He told me to make it myself. I said, fine forget it, I'll eat later because I have to study and of course, I'm already starting to feel tired at this point. This upset him. I again tried explaining that this test is so important. He knows I'm borderline failing & this last exam of the semester will make or break my grade. Well, 10 minutes later, he comes into the room stomping his feet, bangs down the plate and sandwich he wound of making me afterall and forcefully shuts the door. I got so upset by his outburst, that I put the plate back in the kitchen and said, "I don't want it the way you just stormed in like that!" What is that about?! All he said in response was, "are you serious?" I just walked back into the room to continue my studying and within 20 minutes he comes in & tells me I need to go to another room because its time for him to go to sleep. Pulls the blankets over my notes and shuts the light. I said "what is your problem?" I turned the light back on to talk. He shut it off and when I turned it back on again, he threw the lamp across the room hitting my arm. I could not believe what just happened. We started cursing at one another. I just wanted to leave. I didn't know where, but I wanted out of there. He took my keys so i couldn't go & tried to stop me but I fought passed him & took his car keys & left. He text me once 2 hours later asking me to come home, but I was too upset. I wound up falling asleep in the car. I'm so stressed and hurt right now. What did I do to deserve this? I feel like everything that happened made no sense at all. Any advice? I'm so angry. I don't even know how to react right now. He always tends to have a short fuse, as in, gets easily bothered, but throwing furniture? It just took everything to a whole new level.
january2011 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 It sounds like he feels neglected and he's been frustrated for a while, culiminating in the behaviour that you experiened. I think that throwing the lamp (and nearly everything in your last paragraph) crossed the line. He may not have meant to hit you, but he did. You can't live like this. You need a partner who can support you no matter what and who makes home life easy for you. He may have tried his best, but I think he's now reached a point where he's done. To be fair, I don't think I could support someone who has the schedule that you have, even on a medium-term basis. Especially, if all they do is to come home, eat dinner, sleep and I don't get any quality time with them. I would find it very frustrating, even if I knew that my partner was doing their best - it's not how I would want my relationship to be. If you want to save this then you need to consider finding a way to carve out more time for you and him - that may mean cutting back on your job or studying. However, as I said, the lamp-throwing crossed the line. I'd go as far as to say that you should seriously consider moving out and breaking up so that you can focus on your job and studies. 1
denise_xo Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I've spent several years on a schedule similar to yours (or worse), and this is what I've learned: I need a partner who can deal with this, who can get by on little 'us' time, who doesn't see me as the primary care taker at home by virtue of my gender, and who doesn't sit around at home getting bored but instead pursues interests, hobbies, projects and/or friends in his spare time. Sounds like you need the same.
carhill Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 'Moved in with my SO after years of dating'..... OK, how many years and how many of those years were blessed with this current schedule? Do you feel this relationship is a priority in your life, or not? Why? Do you feel you have choices? Why? Imagine being single right now, living on your own. Presumably you were doing it during the years you were dating. How would that go? Why did you move in together? Who predominantly wanted it or wanted it first? If you were married, I'd suggest MC to facilitate healthier communication. Unclear whether such work might be effective here. It sounds to me like you each have made choices which have impacted synergy. The timeline of those choices is unclear but IMO the tossed lamp is a canary that you are currently 'missing' each other in the synergy department. Unless that is rectified in short order, my opinion is that you'll each be single soon. Good luck.
Author understanding4you Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 To be fair, I don't think I could support someone who has the schedule that you have, even on a medium-term basis. Especially, if all they do is to come home, eat dinner, sleep and I don't get any quality time with them. I would find it very frustrating, even if I knew that my partner was doing their best - it's not how I would want my relationship to be. If you want to save this then you need to consider finding a way to carve out more time for you and him - that may mean cutting back on your job or studying. However, as I said, the lamp-throwing crossed the line. I'd go as far as to say that you should seriously consider moving out and breaking up so that you can focus on your job and studies. I've been on this sort of schedule for the summer. I call it sacrafice. I could work a mediocre, almost minimum wage job like I am now or actually do something with my life & that entails having an education, which entails hard work and TIME. Like I said previously, we spend the entire weekend together. I'm not completely head in the books all weekend long. It's about being supportive. It's about give and take. If that was my partner in school, I'd be by there side supporting them in any way that I could & would indefinitely realize that not only are they doing it for themselves, but for a better future for US.
january2011 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I've been on this sort of schedule for the summer. I call it sacrafice. I could work a mediocre, almost minimum wage job like I am now or actually do something with my life & that entails having an education, which entails hard work and TIME. Like I said previously, we spend the entire weekend together. I'm not completely head in the books all weekend long. It's about being supportive. It's about give and take. If that was my partner in school, I'd be by there side supporting them in any way that I could & would indefinitely realize that not only are they doing it for themselves, but for a better future for US. I don't doubt your good intentions. I had good intentions too. However, I then found myself in your partner's shoes (not the last paragraph) and it carried on like that for years - it pretty much destroyed us because he wasn't willing to meet me halfway. Thus our relationship fell further down the list of priorities despite his claim that he was doing it all for us. Good intentions are great, but until you're tested, you don't really know how much you can take before you hit breaking point. And your partner has hit his. He's upset and angry. You can either meet him halfway or demand that he sorts himself out and does the best he can to just deal with it. Howver, as denise said, you probably need someone who is more supportive. And that someone is not him, right now. So, what do you do?
Author understanding4you Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 'Moved in with my SO after years of dating'..... OK, how many years and how many of those years were blessed with this current schedule? Do you feel this relationship is a priority in your life, or not? Why? Do you feel you have choices? Why? Imagine being single right now, living on your own. Presumably you were doing it during the years you were dating. How would that go? Why did you move in together? Who predominantly wanted it or wanted it first? If you were married, I'd suggest MC to facilitate healthier communication. Unclear whether such work might be effective here. It sounds to me like you each have made choices which have impacted synergy. The timeline of those choices is unclear but IMO the tossed lamp is a canary that you are currently 'missing' each other in the synergy department. Unless that is rectified in short order, my opinion is that you'll each be single soon. Good luck. We've been together going on three years. This schedule of mine has only been going on for two months. I do feel this relationship is a priority. I have always made it one because I love the person I'm with. He means alot to me. He's important. I'm going to school for me. So I can live a content life. Better yet, we. I want a family and all of that, but right now I'm only 24 and before I start any of that I want a decent career under my belt. I want to be able to afford a house one day?? And he needs me to be able to do the same. Like I responded to January ^, its all about give & take. Sacrifices. School is important & it's something that needs to be done. It shouldn't even be a discussion. Prior to moving in together, we were both living with our parents & being that we've been together for quite sometime, we wanted to take that next step & live together. It was mutual.
january2011 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 You've mentioned what you would do if the roles were reversed, but the crux of this is what he would do and what he's doing now. You see this as a sacrifice that you're making and you think it is worth it because you're doing it for "US." Is your partner still okay with it? Does he still think it is worth it? Does he still think you're doing it for "US?"
carhill Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 It shouldn't even be a discussion. That's the canary. Life experience will teach you why. I hope this works out for you.
january2011 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Edit: You don't need to convince us of anything - what is/isn't reasonable. We're not the ones in a relationship with you. However, you do need to convince your boyfriend that what you are doing is reasonable. And if it's not and you still want to save this relationship, you need to work out a way to make it reasonable, together.
Author understanding4you Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 He's upset and angry. You can either meet him halfway or demand that he sorts himself out and does the best he can to just deal with it. Howver, as denise said, you probably need someone who is more supportive. And that someone is not him, right now. So, what do you do? I do understand what you're saying, but how much more can you meet a person "half-way"? Like I said, we still go out & do things. The weekends are entirely booked. We are always out & about come Friday, saturday & Sunday that I find myself actually not having enough time for studying because weekends are the only time I can really focus on the books, but I as usual put him 1st & what's suppose to be half-day events turn into all day ones. I don't know!
january2011 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) It's clear that you need to have an open and honest conversation about what's been happening and why it can't continue to happen. You are clear about what you want and why you are doing this, but you also need to find out what he wants. Let him know that you need to discuss how the weekends are set up because it's not working for you right now. Figure out how much study time you need. And how much time you can spare for chores, couple time, etc. Sit down and go through a list of household chores to make sure that you're in full agreement about what is reasonable. It may mean that you have to suck it up and do a bit more. Or it may mean that you share some of the chores at the weekends rather than spending it on social activities. I also agree with Denise that he needs to find something to do when you are not there. If he doesn't want to go out, then he needs to find something he can do at home. Providing you can get past the lamp-throwing incident (I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't), I don't see why you can't come to an agreement about all of this so that you both know why you're both clear about why you need to sacrifice some quality time now to have a better long-term future. After an agreement has been reached, I suggest a periodic review to make sure that everything is working out. But first, he owes you an apology and an assurance that it won't happen again. If it does, I think that you need to be prepared to walk away without looking back. Edited July 3, 2012 by january2011
wow04 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 .....but for a better future for US Did he agree to this? Was this discussed before you took on this full load?
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