4givrnt4gtr Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Im realizing that I have a hard time communicating properly with this guy Ive been dating for the past two months. He also has issues with communication so...yeah, not so good. I need to figure something out that is bothering me but I dont know how to bring it up in 1. a way that is not threatening or accusatory 2. low in drama....just want to know what's his reasoning behind his actions. Before I forget, he has literally little to no experience with relationships. His one and only relationship was long distance and was kind of weird. So the thing is, he is kind of weird when it comes to going out. Im used to dating men (or at least most of the men ive dated so far) where they seem more than happy to pay for the dates, and when I offer to pay, they either dont accept right away or don't do so very often. And I guess I like this...I feel like Im being taken cared of and like they dont mind spending a little $ on me. He, however, its different. THe first date he was a total gentleman. Bought coffee, movie, dinner. Really sweet. Second date we went to a park where we had to pay for parking. So ofcourse, I offered to get it, and you know, I expected an "are you sure?" or "no its ok, Ill get it" being a second date an all. Still I was more than willing to pay, I just...guess was hoping for some resistance, but he didnt...he was more than happy to accept it. Threw me off a bit but...I let it go. So in another date he asked me out to another movie and dinner. He got the tickets for the movie and afterwards we went to dinner. at the dinner i said "oh let me help you" to what he responded with "oh you're gonna get it? thanks!" uh...ok I guess Ill get the whole bill then.... SO after this I discussed with him the whole date thing. I said I know its expensive and I wanted to have his thoughts on how we should split it. He said he didnt mind paying as he knows Im not really working and im a full time student while he has a nice paying, full time job. SO I said that I appreciated this, and that maybe, so its fair, if I ask him out, I pay, if he asks me out, he pays. He agreed to this and so I thought that was settled... except... he hardly asked me out after that. For the most part he either comes over to my house, with cookies from his house (which he takes back when he leaves), or he asks me to come over and he cooks for us. After that agreement he has taken me out twice...once to dinner, and last night. I actually asked him if he could take me to a movie and he agreed. When he came he asked me if I was hungry and I said yes so he suggested we get coffee and a pastry next tot he movie theater. Since I know he doesnt seem to like to spend too much money out I agreed. But then...today I asked if I could see him Thursday, and schedule a "date" he said yes and asked me to plan the date. I asked him for suggestions and said that he would like to go watch a movie, and then have dinner afterwards. Im kinda...annoyed that he would ask me to take him to dinner when he didnt take me. SO this makes me wonder why he does this...in other areas he is pretty generous. He took me on this weekend camping trip where he paid for everything, he mentioned how he wanted to buy me an expensive camera I wanted for Christmas (but I already got it), and offered to give me an extra iphone he was trying to sell. He often comes over with little gifts and flowers, which I love, so he isn't totally cheap, just...in this area i suppose. SO Im struggling between, is he cheap or is there something more to it? I know he has extra money, as he spends it in his hobbies and such, so its not a matter of not being able to afford dates. I want to talk to him about this...but Im not sure how to approach it without sounding petty.... Suggestions?
january2011 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Next time he tells you that he's coming over with cookies, I suggest saying that you'd prefer to have more dates that are outside your home. If he asks you for suggestions, then just bat it back to him and say that you'll leave it up to him to decide. When it comes to paying, don't offer to pay. See what happens. Alternatively, you could look at it as he's trying not to put you on the spot: cookies at your house or food at his are inexpensive ways to spend time together without the issue of who pays for what and the potential power struggle that arises. However, I suspect that you need someone who is a lot more generous than this guy and you may be a "going out" type of girl rather than a "homebody" so you have certain expectations for dates that are incompatible with his. If he doesn't want to pay for certain things, you can't really make him. It's his money. And if he thinks that cookies at your house or food at his are acceptable dates, you either agree or you don't. If it's all he's willing to offer, then you need to decide if it's a big enough dealbreaker to end the relationship. After all, will he become more generous when you get a good job and can afford to pay for more dates? I doubt it. Rather there will be more expectation that you can pay for dates more often. Is this a potential future that fills you with excitement or dread?
Emilia Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 He doesn't like being taken advantage of financially by you. He would probably prefer someone who pulls her weight
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 thank you guys! i agree that I either suck it up and deal with it or let him go... and now ....im starting to think this guy is really a piece of work!!! So he came over today, dropped by unannounced as he was in the neighborhood. I love when he does this so I was delighted to see him. He came in, made me coffee etc. I was happy.... So, a little background so this makes sense. I have a dog. He is a 2 year old rescue who is very anxious, and more than a little needy. He gets really nervous when Im not around and when Im around he is attached to me by the hip. I love this dog, but he is indeed very very neurotic. In any case, so we were talking and, well last night I realized the anxiety I feel with this guy, ive felt it with every other guy. The same fears, same "oh no is he....." fill in the blank. So I hug him and tell him I apologize for this month being a bit on the sensitive side. We went from hanging out almost every day to hardly even talking due to a lot of work from his side and that triggered my anxiety. He laughed and said, "yeah, uh I was thinking the other day....you can be a little like your dog" !!! WTF! I looked at him, and, well at this point I know, this dude says things without thinking. In fact, last time we got into an argument, I told him that sometimes he says things he should keep to himself. So I said "ohhhh wow..remember last time I said that sometimes..." and he completed the sentence with "i say things I shouldn't say....yeah :o" So I played it off, said that wow...really....he is digging a grave for himself. He looked very ashamed and tried to play it off, as if he meant something else...but really the damage was done. I told him how I thought he was really clueless and how those things he says really puts a damper on my affection for him. Ofcourse I did this in a more playful manner...because quite frankly at this point Im so over it, it doesn't even hurt my feelings anymore. So, although he left thinking everything was fine, Im really really considering ending this relationship. He is way too clueless and insensitive, on top of the fact that I really dont like the way he sees me. I dont know...either that or backing off, stop being so "needy" and see what happens. I dont know thought....this dude is truly skating on thin ice
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