confused836 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Hi all, I'm a long-time lurker - can someone please help me? I feel really lost. I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I'm in medical school and I don't have a lot of opportunities to meet girls but one of my friends set me up with a girl who lives in her apartment complex. I called the girl last week, asked her out, and we flirted through text up until Friday. I picked her up for dinner and miniature golf and we hit it off really well. We were together for 4 hours - full of conversation, laughter, and no awkward silences or anything. She told me multiple times throughout the date that I would be getting a second date out of her and more, she talked about long-term with me and what we would do on dates 4, 5, 6 etc., told me a lot of personal things about her and how she wants me to meet her friends and how they would be thrilled that she's dating me, said that our mutual friend could not have picked a better guy for her to be set up with, etc. etc. She was really into the date the whole time and kept praising me and telling me how great of a person I am and how nervous she was but how she felt like the date could not have gone any better. When I dropped her off, I told her I would like to see her again and she agreed. Its her birthday in a few days and we had agreed that we would celebrate her birthday 1 on 1 after she went out with her friends the night before her birthday. I made out with her a few times before saying bye. That same night, she texted me after I got home saying how I'm really charming and how she had a great time. On Saturday, we flirted through texts a little, and I decided to call her last night to set up another date this week (for her birthday). I called in the evening, left a message, and heard no response from her. This morning she sends me a text saying that while she had an amazing time with me, she talked to her ex last night and she said that things are still complicated with him and doesn't think its fair to pursue things with me. I told her I understood and that if she changes her mind I'd love to have that second date with her. She then responded with "I was going to end my last text with 'I don't think we should pursue things RIGHT NOW' but I didn't know how that would sound to you." So I told her that I hope she figures things out soon and we left it at that. My question is - what do I do now? Do I lay off completely and give her space? Do I send her a happy birthday text? I never run into this girl - she's in a different graduate school and we don't have any classes or anything in common. I'm worried that if I don't keep in contact she'll forget about me since we never see each other. How does someone who is so into the date and talks about the future so much pull a 180 on me? Please help - I do like this girl and I don't want to lose her even though its been only 1 date..
WeAllMightBeNuts Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Do not contact her further. The notion of keeping you in her mind with a text, email, FB, or voice mail will NOT WORK. When people show you what they want, believe them. Remember, it's one date man! Sounds like you would have fallen for anyone you would have went out with justifying any behavior they exhibit. This one has told you that she wants to re-kindle things with her ex. Don't justify that. Think more of yourself. Good luck.
ThingsAreComplicated Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 If she really said all the things you wrote it's way too much for a first date anyway. Probably a futile try to get away from her ex. You probably shouldn't contact her again, however I really see no reason not to send her an happy birthday text. Some people consider this etiquette...
CarrieT Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 If she really said all the things you wrote it's way too much for a first date anyway. Probably a futile try to get away from her ex. You probably shouldn't contact her again, however I really see no reason not to send her an happy birthday text. Some people consider this etiquette... Exactly what I was thinking. Wishing her happy birthday would be a kind gesture; don't expect a response or anything, but put it out there to be a good guy. You never know...
Feelsgoodman Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Exactly what I was thinking. Wishing her happy birthday would be a kind gesture; don't expect a response or anything, but put it out there to be a good guy. You never know... I don't think there is any reason to be a "good guy" to a woman who deceived you. Why give her the ego boost? OP, you should learn two things from this experience. 1) If a woman gives you too much personal information on the first date, it's usually a bad sign; and 2) The very mention of the word "ex" should be a signal to man the lifeboats and abandon the sinking ship.
monkey00 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 1 date? She sounds like a total nutcase. She fed you all that stuff to get you think she was really interested, and pulled a 180 on you with the ex stuff. I'm always wary of women who try to move too fast (or claim to want to move fast). If I were you I wouldn't contact her anymore, not even a birthday text. Don't put your life on hold for this girl and start dating other people. The ball is in her court, she will contact you if she's interested in pursuing more.
Author confused836 Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) Thanks for the replies all. Its a great feeling that you guys are helping me through this. I guess some background to all of this is that this is the first girl who I have gone out on a date with since breaking up with my ex. Its been 9 months since that breakup (initiated by me) and I had trouble trusting girls for a while since my ex had cheated on me multiple times without my knowing it. So it felt refreshing to go on this date with someone who actually was into me and wanted to see where this went. Some of the things she told me were interesting too, like how she told her mom about this date, how at one point she talked about scenarios if this were to go on down the road like how we would make time for each other during the semester, how we were talking about long-term plans and how she could see herself move to the same city as me for my residency, and how for example she would never date a med student but that I was completely changing her mind. She even told me repeatedly that I was doing such a great job: her friends wanted her to text them how the date was going and she even wanted to show me what she texted them to prove that she likes me. I'm just so confused. Again, your replies are all very helpful and I'm happy that you all have taken the time to help a complete stranger. But, shouldn't you fight for something you want instead of distancing yourself? She will never see me if I don't keep in contact. What's to say that if she does end things with her ex, no matter how long it will take, that she will call me after if she forgets about me? I guess I never connected with someone so well on a first date and I have a good feeling about her. Sorry for sounding like I'm not listening - I promise I am. Edited July 3, 2012 by confused836
monkey00 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I'm just so confused. Again, your replies are all very helpful and I'm happy that you all have taken the time to help a complete stranger. But, shouldn't you fight for something you want instead of distancing yourself? She will never see me if I don't keep in contact. What's to say that if she does end things with her ex, no matter how long it will take, that she will call me after if she forgets about me? I guess I never connected with someone so well on a first date and I have a good feeling about her. Sorry for sounding like I'm not listening - I promise I am. I've been in your shoes before with women like these. They have ultimate baggage and thrive on drama....highly unstable. They more attention you give them, the more drama they create - that is why I advise against this. If she at all felt any attraction or lots of attraction with you from the first date, she will get in touch. And if you MUST, and I mean MUST get in touch after all that's said here, you could probably try in a couple of weeks or month. It would be a good time to let her cool off and figure things out. You jumping the gun now would likely confuse her situation with the ex even more. And it puts you in a vulnerable position to played like a fiddle and worst case become her rebound.
Author confused836 Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Thanks for the responses. What should I text her for her birthday? Can I say something like "hopefully I'll see you around soon" at the end of the text? I know I sound pathetic but I still think for some reason there may be a chance she will reach out soon and I want to play this right.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Thanks for the responses. What should I text her for her birthday? Can I say something like "hopefully I'll see you around soon" at the end of the text? I know I sound pathetic but I still think for some reason there may be a chance she will reach out soon and I want to play this right. Text whatever you want but I can guarantee that you're not getting anywhere with this girl. She used you for attention/validation and is now back with her ex. You are becoming obsessed with a woman who has no intention of ever being romantic with you. That can't end well. I suggest you spare yourself the heartbreak, though somehow I doubt you'd take my advice.
Imajerk17 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Hi all, I'm a long-time lurker - can someone please help me? I feel really lost. I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I'm in medical school and I don't have a lot of opportunities to meet girls but one of my friends set me up with a girl who lives in her apartment complex. I called the girl last week, asked her out, and we flirted through text up until Friday. I picked her up for dinner and miniature golf and we hit it off really well. We were together for 4 hours - full of conversation, laughter, and no awkward silences or anything. She told me multiple times throughout the date that I would be getting a second date out of her and more, she talked about long-term with me and what we would do on dates 4, 5, 6 etc., told me a lot of personal things about her and how she wants me to meet her friends and how they would be thrilled that she's dating me, said that our mutual friend could not have picked a better guy for her to be set up with, etc. etc. She was really into the date the whole time and kept praising me and telling me how great of a person I am and how nervous she was but how she felt like the date could not have gone any better. When I dropped her off, I told her I would like to see her again and she agreed. Its her birthday in a few days and we had agreed that we would celebrate her birthday 1 on 1 after she went out with her friends the night before her birthday. I made out with her a few times before saying bye. That same night, she texted me after I got home saying how I'm really charming and how she had a great time. On Saturday, we flirted through texts a little, and I decided to call her last night to set up another date this week (for her birthday). I called in the evening, left a message, and heard no response from her. This morning she sends me a text saying that while she had an amazing time with me, she talked to her ex last night and she said that things are still complicated with him and doesn't think its fair to pursue things with me. I told her I understood and that if she changes her mind I'd love to have that second date with her. She then responded with "I was going to end my last text with 'I don't think we should pursue things RIGHT NOW' but I didn't know how that would sound to you." So I told her that I hope she figures things out soon and we left it at that. My question is - what do I do now? Do I lay off completely and give her space? Do I send her a happy birthday text? I never run into this girl - she's in a different graduate school and we don't have any classes or anything in common. I'm worried that if I don't keep in contact she'll forget about me since we never see each other. How does someone who is so into the date and talks about the future so much pull a 180 on me? Please help - I do like this girl and I don't want to lose her even though its been only 1 date.. This all sounds a bit much for me, especially for the first date. And pretty misleading on her part, as things were still happening with her ex. You already called her to set something up for her birthday, so you already wished her a Happy Birthday. Move on. Meanwhile, maybe you could pump your friend for more information.
Author confused836 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 So I talked to our mutual friend who set us up and apparently the girl who I went out with really likes me and raved to her friends about me. She told them that the things I said melted her heart and that she was so excited. But her ex visited her over the weekend "out of the blue" for her birthday and she was taken by surprise. She feels really bad for doing this to me but I found out that she and her ex are now trying to work things out. I haven't spoken to the girl or anything I just found things out from the mutual friend. I thought I would just give you guys an update since you've helped me out. Now I have no choice but to move on. Thanks for all the help though.
Imajerk17 Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 So I talked to our mutual friend who set us up and apparently the girl who I went out with really likes me and raved to her friends about me. She told them that the things I said melted her heart and that she was so excited. But her ex visited her over the weekend "out of the blue" for her birthday and she was taken by surprise. She feels really bad for doing this to me but I found out that she and her ex are now trying to work things out. I haven't spoken to the girl or anything I just found things out from the mutual friend. I thought I would just give you guys an update since you've helped me out. Now I have no choice but to move on. Thanks for all the help though. Send her a text in a few months then. You never know.
Chunky Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 I wouldn't bother. She's with her ex now. Do you really want to be her second choice? You deserve a girl who chooses you first. Forget her.
Nomad Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 The story in the OP sounds crushingly disappointing. He seems to be handling it well. My advice: give her a week or 2, then test the waters with a text or phone call. If she answers/responds, chat for a bit, then suggest you meet up. You have nothing to lose by trying.
Author confused836 Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 (edited) Just a brief update if any of you have thoughts. And I promise to let this topic die after. So I sent a happy birthday text to be civil and not close any doors down the road. She called me after and we talked for a while on the phone. Again she was really flirty on the phone and we talked for 45 minutes about random things until she said that if her life wasn't complicated right now she would be dating me and hooking up with me and that she just needs to get over things. She said the plan was to cut everything from her past and have a brand new start with me. She mentioned that the other guy in the picture isn't her ex - what I gathered from the conversation is that the two of them actually never dated. She mentioned that she had an actual long-distance "ex-boyfriend" before this guy and it was complicated with him as well. And now its complicated with this new guy. So who knows what her story is - seems like its been complicated recently with the guys she meets? I told her it would be a shame to end all communication between us and I wished her that things work out between her and the other guy but if they don't she should call me and if I am single at the time then we can decide to go on a date again. She got really happy at this thought and was happy that we can be "friends" to which I told her that I'm not going to be her friend and sit around during this time. If she wants to hang out and get to know me not as a friend then that is fine but its up to her - I'm not going to wait around. We nevertheless made plans on the phone to workout together and grab dinner this upcoming week since she'll be out of town after for 2 weeks. So after the phone call I wait a few days and text her about working out - she doesn't respond for 8 hours and responds with something unrelated to working out. She basically ignored my question about when we're working out. Based off her response, do I just forget about dinner with her this week? I don't like how she says all these things on the phone and then proceeds to ignore me after making plans. And I really don't know what her deal is. If I don't see her this week then she will be gone and it'll be a month before I potentially get a chance to see her at all. Any thoughts will be appreciated. I have this go-getter mentality that makes it difficult for me to sit around like this but I guess this is what I have to do. I fought for my last girlfriend and we ended up together for 2 years and I have this fighter mentality again knowing that she and the other guy never actually dated and that I may have a good chance. But the right answer probably is to walk away since she's not even reciprocating much at all...thanks for the help all. I just really have a good feeling about this girl - she has a lot of qualities I am looking for and I would absolutely love to date her without any drama. Edited July 9, 2012 by confused836
Shosh Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 My advice would be for you to walk away. She is telling you she does not want to date you right now, and she does not reply to your text concerning working out. That just does not sound like a girl who is really interested in you. Let her go and try to move on!
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