Author Jessie32 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 I agree...I've been confused from the start about this extreme reaction on his part. Jessie, I don't think your BF should get a pass for being manipulative and lying about the tickets, by any means - that's still incredibly crappy behavior and I hope you'll hold him to task for that. But I feel like maybe there's more to this story too...this sort of thing doesn't generally happen out of the blue. Any update on what happened after he came home? Did you guys discuss this? I'm not leaving anything out. But anyway, yes we did discuss.
BetheButterfly Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 I'm not sure which one, but I don't have any shame in expressing my distaste for the lodging picked. My boyfriend wasn't a fan of it either. Now that the issue is past, it is good to let bygones be bygones. I hope that you and him talk out the wrinkles, smooth the issue with lots of love and closeness, and enjoy your relationship! Communication is so important. I am learning this in my marriage, and am very grateful for my hubby who communicates with me and forgives me when I've made mistakes. (I made mistakes today). I am not saying you made mistakes. I don't think calling someone "bossy" is bad. I have told my youngest sister that she is bossy numerous times and she has no problem with it, cause she does in fact enjoy bossing me around, and we know it. Hopefully, if you and him love each other, or are beginning to love each other, this incident will bring about more communication and productive dialogue what ticks each other off (so those actions don't surface) but rather love takes the place of what bothers people. So anyways, my advice is to forgive the lying and the manipulative attempt, and to enjoy a wonderful time with your boyfriend, looking at the positive side and treasuring the moments. Afterwards, it would be good to reinforce your desire for him to be truthful and kindly communicate with you when he gets upset. 1
Author Jessie32 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Now that the issue is past, it is good to let bygones be bygones. I hope that you and him talk out the wrinkles, smooth the issue with lots of love and closeness, and enjoy your relationship! Communication is so important. I am learning this in my marriage, and am very grateful for my hubby who communicates with me and forgives me when I've made mistakes. (I made mistakes today). I am not saying you made mistakes. I don't think calling someone "bossy" is bad. I have told my youngest sister that she is bossy numerous times and she has no problem with it, cause she does in fact enjoy bossing me around, and we know it. Hopefully, if you and him love each other, or are beginning to love each other, this incident will bring about more communication and what ticks each other off. So anyways, my advice is to forgive the lying and the manipulative attempt, and to enjoy a wonderful time with your boyfriend, looking at the positive side and treasuring the moments. Afterwards, it would be good to reinforce your desire for him to be truthful and kindly communicate with you when he gets upset. Thank you for the kind words. Yes I'm trying to move forward without anger or resentment. Neither of us is perfect and we realize that. We have been together for awhile and I'm not ready to step away...just yet. When he gets mad he just shuts down and won't really communicate. Thats something I hoping he can work on. 1
BetheButterfly Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Thank you for the kind words. Yes I'm trying to move forward without anger or resentment. Neither of us is perfect and we realize that. We have been together for awhile and I'm not ready to step away...just yet. When he gets mad he just shuts down and won't really communicate. Thats something I hoping he can work on. I hope so too. Yeah nobody is perfect. Good communication takes 2 people and sometimes it takes a lot of work in order to express oneself without bothering another person. My hubby has an issue with certain words, and I do too. For example, I once got really mad at him when he told me I had an "attitude" even though I did in fact have an attitude lol! I just didn't appreciate him saying it! He got upset at me once for saying to a lawyer that he was ignorant about legal maters. In his culture, "ignorant" is an insult, which I had no idea. I didn't mean to insult my hubby! He accepted my apology after he told me that he felt I had insulted him, and I make sure never to call him ignorant about anything to anyone, cause the last thing I want to do is insult my husband!!!
writergal Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Did you read the whole post? I didn't come here to complain about the hotel. I came here because he told me he canceled the tickets. I did read the whole post but I didn't focus on his supposed lie (your perception which you haven't proven to be true yet) of his cancelling the tickets. Why would he want to take you after the way you've behaved; insulting hotel lodgings of his friends parents, then accusing him of lying to you about cancelling plane tickets. That's really immature. The real issue here is that you caused the problem but aren't taking responsibility for it, by complaining about the hotel lodging in the first place which you admit you regret, but you haven't accepted the fact that had you not complained, you wouldn't have an angry boyfriend who doesn't want you to accompany him on a trip because he's probably worried that you'll embarrass him with more complaining once you get there. As far as your boyfriend needing to work on his communication skills, I'd say you are in dire need of doing that too as it takes two to tango in a relationship.
Author Jessie32 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 I did read the whole post but I didn't focus on his supposed lie (your perception which you haven't proven to be true yet) of his cancelling the tickets. Why would he want to take you after the way you've behaved; insulting hotel lodgings of his friends parents, then accusing him of lying to you about cancelling plane tickets. That's really immature. The real issue here is that you caused the problem but aren't taking responsibility for it, by complaining about the hotel lodging in the first place which you admit you regret, but you haven't accepted the fact that had you not complained, you wouldn't have an angry boyfriend who doesn't want you to accompany him on a trip because he's probably worried that you'll embarrass him with more complaining once you get there. As far as your boyfriend needing to work on his communication skills, I'd say you are in dire need of doing that too as it takes two to tango in a relationship. YES I DID PROVE IT TO BE TRUE. Please read the whole post. Jeez. I called orbitz and verified he did not cancel at all. He just said he did.
Author Jessie32 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 I did read the whole post but I didn't focus on his supposed lie (your perception which you haven't proven to be true yet) of his cancelling the tickets. Why would he want to take you after the way you've behaved; insulting hotel lodgings of his friends parents, then accusing him of lying to you about cancelling plane tickets. That's really immature. The real issue here is that you caused the problem but aren't taking responsibility for it, by complaining about the hotel lodging in the first place which you admit you regret, but you haven't accepted the fact that had you not complained, you wouldn't have an angry boyfriend who doesn't want you to accompany him on a trip because he's probably worried that you'll embarrass him with more complaining once you get there. As far as your boyfriend needing to work on his communication skills, I'd say you are in dire need of doing that too as it takes two to tango in a relationship. you really need to read it ALL. His friends parents didn't pick the hotel. are you drinking something?
Author Jessie32 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 I hope so too. Yeah nobody is perfect. Good communication takes 2 people and sometimes it takes a lot of work in order to express oneself without bothering another person. My hubby has an issue with certain words, and I do too. For example, I once got really mad at him when he told me I had an "attitude" even though I did in fact have an attitude lol! I just didn't appreciate him saying it! He got upset at me once for saying to a lawyer that he was ignorant about legal maters. In his culture, "ignorant" is an insult, which I had no idea. I didn't mean to insult my hubby! He accepted my apology after he told me that he felt I had insulted him, and I make sure never to call him ignorant about anything to anyone, cause the last thing I want to do is insult my husband!!! Its been hard dating someone of a different culture even though he considers himself very Westernized. Always something new to learn. You have some great examples.
Els Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 IMO, the biggest problem here is how the two of you deal with disagreements. Yes, both of you. I'm not excusing his behaviour - I think his reaction was incredibly over-the-top and immature. But I think your own actions just encouraged the argument and made it drag on and on. You yourself agreed that making that comment about his friends was wrong - why drag the argument on, instead of just admitting it? I don't think this is so much about the hotel as the fact that you both have a conflict resolution style that escalates everything to unimaginable levels (and, in his case, probably dredges up repressed issues that he had not mentioned in the past).
writergal Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 you really need to read it ALL. His friends parents didn't pick the hotel. are you drinking something? Lol, no but maybe I should be. Apologies for my inaccuracies. I'm just going off of the part of your post that really stood out for me - the cause-effect of your complaint is that your boyfriend lied about cancelling the plane tickets because he may be worried that you'll just embarrass him with more complaining and ruin the trip once you get there. Not that you are not allowed to complain but sometimes you need to pick and choose your battles as they say. I can see why your boyfriend would react the way he did and so far, I'm wondering why you can't see that too. Once you can learn to empathize and see a situation from another person's POV than just your own, then you won't have as many communication problems. Of course your boyfriend emotionally shut down on you, because you can't see where he's coming from. That makes you difficult to talk to when you refuse to see things from his point of view too.
Author Jessie32 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 IMO, the biggest problem here is how the two of you deal with disagreements. Yes, both of you. I'm not excusing his behaviour - I think his reaction was incredibly over-the-top and immature. But I think your own actions just encouraged the argument and made it drag on and on. You yourself agreed that making that comment about his friends was wrong - why drag the argument on, instead of just admitting it? I don't think this is so much about the hotel as the fact that you both have a conflict resolution style that escalates everything to unimaginable levels (and, in his case, probably dredges up repressed issues that he had not mentioned in the past). I did apologize for it the same night to him. He still chose to carry on. I don't think what I said was a big deal, but since he was so "offended" I told him I was sorry.
Author Jessie32 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Lol, no but maybe I should be. Apologies for my inaccuracies. I'm just going off of the part of your post that really stood out for me - the cause-effect of your complaint is that your boyfriend lied about cancelling the plane tickets because he may be worried that you'll just embarrass him with more complaining and ruin the trip once you get there. Not that you are not allowed to complain but sometimes you need to pick and choose your battles as they say. I can see why your boyfriend would react the way he did and so far, I'm wondering why you can't see that too. Once you can learn to empathize and see a situation from another person's POV than just your own, then you won't have as many communication problems. Of course your boyfriend emotionally shut down on you, because you can't see where he's coming from. That makes you difficult to talk to when you refuse to see things from his point of view too. I disagree entirely. I don't think there is ever a reason to lie to someone you love. He overreacted and than tried to punish me by being a manipulative baby.
writergal Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 I disagree entirely. I don't think there is ever a reason to lie to someone you love. He overreacted and than tried to punish me by being a manipulative baby. Well I give up. You clearly don't want to take responsibility for your part in causing this problem between you and your boyfriend. He lied to you because he was trying to save face (not a cultural thing, a boyfriend thing) with you since you were being impossible. He didn't overreact. He wasn't trying to punish you or manipulate you either. Look at the way you see this situation and how distorted from the truth it most likely is. The closer to reality version is that you complained, which upset your boyfriend, you regret it but didn't apologize, when your boyfriend pretended to cancel the plane tickets you flew into a rage and accused him of being a liar and manipulator and trying to pass this off as a cultural difference which is complete hogwash as I had an Asian boyfriend before and we never had "cultural" problems. The reality is that you and your boyfriend have very different conflict resolution styles that has nothing to do with his Japanese culture. It has to do with personality styles.
Author Jessie32 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Well I give up. You clearly don't want to take responsibility for your part in causing this problem between you and your boyfriend. He lied to you because he was trying to save face (not a cultural thing, a boyfriend thing) with you since you were being impossible. He didn't overreact. He wasn't trying to punish you or manipulate you either. Look at the way you see this situation and how distorted from the truth it most likely is. The closer to reality version is that you complained, which upset your boyfriend, you regret it but didn't apologize, when your boyfriend pretended to cancel the plane tickets you flew into a rage and accused him of being a liar and manipulator and trying to pass this off as a cultural difference which is complete hogwash as I had an Asian boyfriend before and we never had "cultural" problems. The reality is that you and your boyfriend have very different conflict resolution styles that has nothing to do with his Japanese culture. It has to do with personality styles. Ok. We disagree
Els Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 I did apologize for it the same night to him. He still chose to carry on. I don't think what I said was a big deal, but since he was so "offended" I told him I was sorry. Well, the events of that night are on his head, then. If you apologized (and I mean genuinely apologized, not the 'I don't think what I said was a big deal but I'm sorry' sort of apology) and he still carried on regardless, I don't think you could have done anything else at that point. I don't think an isolated incident warrants on-the-spot dumping, but you should probably be aware of future incidents, and talk to him (maturely and quietly, not argumentatively) about the possibility of resolving future conflicts in a better manner. That being said, you mentioned that he tried to make up for it by, on his own steam, booking the sort of hotel you wanted for the two of you - big step on his part IMO, especially given the manner in which you'd brought it up and the fact that he is paying for said hotel. I think your own reaction to this is rather over-dramatic and petulant. Accept it as a goodwill gesture and apology of sorts on his part for his fault in things, is my opinion, and stop harping on the incident itself. TL;DR: It's really a small matter, you both made mistakes, it's now done and over with, accept his offer graciously and move forward, focus on the big picture and work on conflict resolution skills.
2sure Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 I would be upset over the manipulation, as you are. He lied and pouted and created drama where there was none....over you saying that a different hotel should be an option. That's the issue and he has admitted to it. The result will be that now you are going to be on the alert for any further petty and crybaby behavior. Buy the gift or don't, it isn't about the money. Regarding the hotel, the wedding, the bride and groom....Especially since this couple has chosen to celebrate and recreate this wedding to accommodate family overseas...it Is very generous of the best man to pay for his own air, hotel, and expenses. Generous enough that he should be able to choose his accommodations and be available for the wedding activities...not every moment of the trip. Your BF knows this and was probably somewhat ashamed he was being roped into being a servant during what he rightfully thought was a vacation he had booked which encompassed an event. Some parts just outside Paris are not very nice to stay in, some suburbs are to be avoided if you are unfamiliar with them.
Author Jessie32 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 I would be upset over the manipulation, as you are. He lied and pouted and created drama where there was none....over you saying that a different hotel should be an option. That's the issue and he has admitted to it. The result will be that now you are going to be on the alert for any further petty and crybaby behavior. Buy the gift or don't, it isn't about the money. Regarding the hotel, the wedding, the bride and groom....Especially since this couple has chosen to celebrate and recreate this wedding to accommodate family overseas...it Is very generous of the best man to pay for his own air, hotel, and expenses. Generous enough that he should be able to choose his accommodations and be available for the wedding activities...not every moment of the trip. Your BF knows this and was probably somewhat ashamed he was being roped into being a servant during what he rightfully thought was a vacation he had booked which encompassed an event. Some parts just outside Paris are not very nice to stay in, some suburbs are to be avoided if you are unfamiliar with them. I could not have put this any better myself. Especially what you said about the couple and my bf having to pay for everything himself and being available. This is pretty much what caused me to make the "bossy" comment. I felt they were trying to dictate everything.
dreamingoftigers Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Well I give up. You clearly don't want to take responsibility for your part in causing this problem between you and your boyfriend. He lied to you because he was trying to save face (not a cultural thing, a boyfriend thing) with you since you were being impossible. He didn't overreact. He wasn't trying to punish you or manipulate you either. Look at the way you see this situation and how distorted from the truth it most likely is. The closer to reality version is that you complained, which upset your boyfriend, you regret it but didn't apologize, when your boyfriend pretended to cancel the plane tickets you flew into a rage and accused him of being a liar and manipulator and trying to pass this off as a cultural difference which is complete hogwash as I had an Asian boyfriend before and we never had "cultural" problems. The reality is that you and your boyfriend have very different conflict resolution styles that has nothing to do with his Japanese culture. It has to do with personality styles. My god. What the heck thread have you been reading? OP: you have a pretty good idea of what his anger/stress pattern is like now. Enjoy your trip; best of luck. How long have you been together btw?
Author Jessie32 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 My god. What the heck thread have you been reading? OP: you have a pretty good idea of what his anger/stress pattern is like now. Enjoy your trip; best of luck. How long have you been together btw? We have been together a little over 2 years. Thanks for the advice.
TigerCub Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Jessie, are you really going to go on this trip after he threw the fact that he makes more than you in your face and took away the trip as "punishment". Really? You're going to go and just accept his fantastic act of charity? Where is your self respect? He took the trip away from you, that's your que to just wash your hands of this wedding and let him do it all on his own. He treated you like a child, is a trip to Paris really worth that? If you do go, be sure to watch what you say, and have your apologies ready, or he might cancel your flight home
Author Jessie32 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Jessie, are you really going to go on this trip after he threw the fact that he makes more than you in your face and took away the trip as "punishment". Really? You're going to go and just accept his fantastic act of charity? Where is your self respect? He took the trip away from you, that's your que to just wash your hands of this wedding and let him do it all on his own. He treated you like a child, is a trip to Paris really worth that? If you do go, be sure to watch what you say, and have your apologies ready, or he might cancel your flight home It really isn't like that.
Author Jessie32 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 "My bf is successful and makes 4 times more money than I do" I'm sure he'd have no problem replacing you. The fact you would make a comment like that, shows what you are here for. To bullly.
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 OP, I think I remember you from an earlier incarnation here on LS. I recall a LOT of power struggles and dramatic blow-outs between you and this boyfriend. I'm sorry to hear that they're still going on. Also that your income disparity is still a huge factor in how things go. Anyway, it sounds like you've made it through this one. I hope you have a good trip.
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