Seriously!? Boyfriend says he canceled our plane tickets for overseas trip!

[KatZee]

You are right about him trying to hurt me. I guess I was telling myself I hoped he didn't cancel and would come home later and apologize

 

And what if he did?

 

That's what abusers do. They choose to hurt, and then they come around later with their "apologies." Then you continue on in the relationship and lo-and-behold... he does the same thing. AGAIN.

 

What is an apology worth if this is his character flaw and he has it within himself to intentionally hurt you?

 

He may not be beating you, but emotional abuse runs far deeper than any physical blow could.

[Jessie32]

Well I called and found out he DIDN'T cancel the flights. He is lying.

[Jessie32]

Now the question is to act like I don't know he is lying to to call him on what I know. If he came home with an apology and confessed that he lied than I think we could have an honest discussion and go from there.

[KatZee]

Now the question is to act like I don't know he is lying to to call him on what I know. If he came home with an apology and confessed that he lied than I think we could have an honest discussion and go from there.

 

I still think you continue dancing around the fact that he's a liar, a manipulator, a controlling individual and an intentionally cruel and hurtful human being.

 

You can have all the "honest conversations" you want, until you're blue in the face. This has been a cycle from the beginning. You said it.

 

So to stay with him, is to accept that you're OK with the way he treats you. Which is pretty crappy IMO.

[Jessie32]

I still think you continue dancing around the fact that he's a liar, a manipulator, a controlling individual and an intentionally cruel and hurtful human being.

 

You can have all the "honest conversations" you want, until you're blue in the face. This has been a cycle from the beginning. You said it.

 

So to stay with him, is to accept that you're OK with the way he treats you. Which is pretty crappy IMO.

 

While I do appreciate your advice, the things you are saying he is, he isn't. What he did is not right but it doesn't sum him up as a person. I understand you may have been in a relationship that was not a good one, but every relationship is different.

[Star Gazer]

He told me last night that he couldn't just cancel one ticket but had to cancel both. I tried to verify this policy on orbitz.com but I'm still unclear. and you are right he could just rebook and it cost more. If he doesn't bring me I think I will be out alot sooner than the trip - In September.

 

He is lying. There is no fee to cancel one of two tickets. They are not bundled.

[Jessie32]

He is lying. There is no fee to cancel one of two tickets. They are not bundled.

 

Oh I know he lied. I called and was able to verify that.

[Negative Nancy]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2.5 years and we have been living together for 1 year. We have a good relationship and have been through alot together.

 

My boyfriend is the best man in a wedding in France in September and we than planned to travel to Paris for a few days after the wedding. He bought our plane tickets a few weeks ago. I went and got a passport and bought the couple a beautiful wedding gift. I have also been doing alot of research of international travel since I have not done it before. All of our friends and family also know of the trip.

 

Then last night my bf came to me with a place to possibly lodge when we get to France. We had a plan to stay in a particular area so we could be close to the city center, but the bride wants us to stay close to the church which is in the middle of nowhere. You could say she is being a bit of a "bridezilla" which I guess is understandable. But when my bf showed me the place she sent us it looked a bit shady and not very clean, he even said this. So I told him I think we should look for a place to stay on our own, and I think he feels pressured to go where they want us to go, so I said "well maybe they are being a little bossy".

 

My bf than flipped out, said I was being "high maintenance" and I should not talk badly about his friends. Now I realize I should have kept that to myself but he acts like I said I hated them or something. I didn't say anything even close to that. He wanted my opinion on the lodging and I gave it to him. I told him if he didn't care what I thought then why was he asking me. This then turned into an argument and proceeded to tell me I was not a good traveler and pretty much a bad girlfriend. Mind you I planned and hosted a large group of his friends at our apartment the night before and really worked hard to make alot of food and cleaned mostly doing everything by myself to host the event. But I'm not a good gf?

 

So the argument turned into something else completely and than he threw the trip in my face and said "maybe I just won't bring you to France" and I just had enough, because that is not the first time he has used that to try to control an argument. My bf is successful and makes 4 times more money than I do and I feel he is using that to throw in my face by making that comment, because he did purchase the tickets. So when he said that, I told him I was tired of it and I walked away.

 

He than went to the bedroom came back and said he canceled the flights and that there is a $500.00 fee for rebooking but he would just rebook on his own and he doesn't want me to come. I didn't believe he would do something so cruel and thought he was just being a baby in that moment.

 

We both went to bed angry and he slept on the couch by his own choice. Than this morning I asked him if he really did that and I asked to "see" the cancellation but he wouldn't show me. He than left for work. I texted him that I thought it was a really cruel thing to do. He than called me at his lunch time and said that he tried to call the company which I think was expedia but they said it was too late and they couldn't undo it. He says he doesn't think he wants to bring me anyway. I don't know if I believe him or not...I think he may just be bluffing, but I could be wrong.

 

But if he really cancelled it and doesn't plan to bring me with him I don't think I will be able to move forward in this relationship. I can't be with someone that would be so vindictive and spiteful. He will be home after work and I don't know how to proceed when he gets home. I have today off and this is consuming me. I don't know what to do ..advice?

 

you brought it onto yourself with your stupid comments.

 

depending on my day, comments like those would've sent me over the edge too.

[Jessie32]

you brought it onto yourself with your stupid comments.

 

depending on my day, comments like those would've sent me over the edge too.

 

 

 

I don't think my comment was that BIG of a deal. I think his issue is about something else entirely.

[kaylan]

Wow OP...have some respect for yourself. Im beginning to think your letting this slide because of the monetary perks that comes with this guy. I mean you have a sweet deal in the fact that he can pay for trips, gifts, and most likely pays for most living expenses. But that doesnt outweigh his crap behavior.

 

Youre basically gonna end up showing him he can flat out disrespect you, lie to you, and act like a manipulative jerk...and that he can negate all that with a weak apology.

 

Lemme break down why I think he should be kicked to the curb:

 

1. He asks your opinion and then flips out when you are honest, even though you said nothing harsh to him. That shows me he doesnt do well with controlling his emotions and thinking logically about his responses. Why flip out over something so small especially when he asked your opinion?

 

2. Hes a manipulative jerk off. What decent boyfriend rubs his ability to provide for his woman in her face? What decent guy flips out over something so small, and then lies about canceling his girlfriends ticket while telling her "well I bought them anyways". Thats childish and basically his way of saying he has the upper hand in things because you have no cash. This isnt the first time you said hes done this, so its obvious to me that he thinks your beneath him and can control you with his money.

 

3. A good boyfriend doesnt start an argument when he is in the wrong, then proceed to manipulate his girlfriend and make her cry herself to sleep because of a LIE he told. Talk about abusive and immature.

 

Have some balls...i mean ovaries...try and have some ovaries OP. He needs to be taken to task and called out on his lying and lack of care regarding your feelings. Im confused why you are sorta making excuses for him now. Either youre being a pushover imo, or Andy K had a great point before and maybe we all arent hearing the entire story...and just maybe something happened that gave your bf good reason to react the way he did.

[Jessie32]

Wow OP...have some respect for yourself. Im beginning to think your letting this slide because of the monetary perks that comes with this guy. I mean you have a sweet deal in the fact that he can pay for trips, gifts, and most likely pays for most living expenses. But that doesnt outweigh his crap behavior.

 

Youre basically gonna end up showing him he can flat out disrespect you, lie to you, and act like a manipulative jerk...and that he can negate all that with a weak apology.

 

Lemme break down why I think he should be kicked to the curb:

 

1. He asks your opinion and then flips out when you are honest, even though you said nothing harsh to him. That shows me he doesnt do well with controlling his emotions and thinking logically about his responses. Why flip out over something so small especially when he asked your opinion?

 

2. Hes a manipulative jerk off. What decent boyfriend rubs his ability to provide for his woman in her face? What decent guy flips out over something so small, and then lies about canceling his girlfriends ticket while telling her "well I bought them anyways". Thats childish and basically his way of saying he has the upper hand in things because you have no cash. This isnt the first time you said hes done this, so its obvious to me that he thinks your beneath him and can control you with his money.

 

3. A good boyfriend doesnt start an argument when he is in the wrong, then proceed to manipulate his girlfriend and make her cry herself to sleep because of a LIE he told. Talk about abusive and immature.

 

Have some balls...i mean ovaries...try and have some ovaries OP. He needs to be taken to task and called out on his lying and lack of care regarding your feelings. Im confused why you are sorta making excuses for him now. Either youre being a pushover imo, or Andy K had a great point before and maybe we all arent hearing the entire story...and just maybe something happened that gave your bf good reason to react the way he did.

 

 

You have several valid points. Nothing else happened. And I didn't say I was letting this slide by any means. I'm just trying to be level headed about it

.

[Star Gazer]

he has so many great qualities so it is hard for me to just have an attitude of "its over" so quickly.

 

Then why would you ask if you should give him an ultimatum that he either bring you on the trip or "it's over"? If you're not prepared for him to make that choice, then you shouldn't give it to him.

 

Personally, I'd break up with him, immediately.

[TaraMaiden]

Say nothing.

Don't mention it.

Just completely ignore the situation and act as if nothing had happened.

Let him make the next move.

 

only thing is... wait and see how long it takes him.

and see whether he covers up with another lie, and says, "I re-booked" or whether he admits to lying.

[Jessie32]

Then why would you ask if you should give him an ultimatum that he either bring you on the trip or "it's over"? If you're not prepared for him to make that choice, then you shouldn't give it to him.

 

Personally, I'd break up with him, immediately.

 

 

I'm on the fence.

[spiderowl]

I don't want to do that. Like I said I don't know for a fact if he did that. He wouldn't show me the cancellation.

 

I wouldn't stay with a guy who said he'd done that and wouldn't let me know the truth straightaway either. How cruel and controlling it is! I know it's probably not that easy to leave, especially if you live together, but I would be making it clear to him that it's not funny and I won't tolerate being treated like some naughty girl.

 

Obviously, I know nothing about the way you guys tend to argue or what else preceded this, but if a guy did this to me, I would assume it's true and act accordingly. He would rapidly become my ex.

[Star Gazer]

I wouldn't stay with a guy who said he'd done that and wouldn't let me know the truth straightaway either. How cruel and controlling it is!

 

She has since called and checked and verified that he lied. So, he lied to control her and make her feel bad. Sick.

[Balzac]

The duties of "Best Man" are extensive. Whether he was pleased with the hotel the bride chose or not, you've not really provided adequate info about the wedding. It's often the case that the bride will book an entire hotel for guests and possibly many meals for guests.

 

Not sure how friendly you've been with the bridal couple or the friend group. I do know I have served as a best man and it is awkward to host a date. Your BF may be serving as master of ceremonies for the dinner night prior to the nuptials and the reception. How many weddings have you attended?

There is often a brunch the following day and BF is likely to have duties then as well.

 

It seems awkward and also odd that you've made no mentions of this aspect of the trip.

 

Good luck with conflict resolution on this. I can say that if you two cannot navigate this, I cannot imagine how you will handle socializing with guests while BF serves out what is considered an honored part of the wedding party.

[Jessie32]

The duties of "Best Man" are extensive. Whether he was pleased with the hotel the bride chose or not, you've not really provided adequate info about the wedding. It's often the case that the bride will book an entire hotel for guests and possibly many meals for guests.

 

Not sure how friendly you've been with the bridal couple or the friend group. I do know I have served as a best man and it is awkward to host a date. Your BF may be serving as master of ceremonies for the dinner night prior to the nuptials and the reception. How many weddings have you attended?

There is often a brunch the following day and BF is likely to have duties then as well.

 

It seems awkward and also odd that you've made no mentions of this aspect of the trip.

 

Good luck with conflict resolution on this. I can say that if you two cannot navigate this, I cannot imagine how you will handle socializing with guests while BF serves out what is considered an honored part of the wedding party.

 

 

I have never met the couple and this would be my first trip overseas. There isn't much to tell. I was invited and grateful to go. Than this happened.

[oldschool1]

Gosh, this is tough, Jessie.

 

In my humble opinion, the future of your relationship should not ride on whether he condescends to take you on the trip. If he shuts you out of the trip, then you'll obviously be angry. Unfortunately, "allowing" you to go with him might actually reinforce some of the patronizing behaviors that are leading you to the brink here. Keep in mind that some people don't calm down immediately. It has only been a day since the freakout, and he might need a second to cool down. Some men are like this (and some women too!), and it's up to you to decide whether to give him this space. Eventually, you both could discuss what happened calmly and try to come to some understanding about your motivations. It's still unclear to me why he flipped out so radically.

 

If I may say, please don't make decisions about your love life based on whether you can afford to move out! Unless you think he would become violent, you can just tell him that you're sleeping on the couch until you find another place. Life is just too short to think that way (especially when no children are involved). Since your boyfriend makes more money, he has the financial freedom to do what he wants. But so do you!

[zengirl]

I don't think it's really that hard to be in a R with someone who out-earns you if neither partner sees the additional money as power, but if one person feels they have less 'power' because they make less money or one person feels they have more 'power' because they make more money, it becomes an issue. I have seen that happen and experienced it too, though when the guy tried a power play (which was much nicer than this one the OP is dealing with - it was actually done in a "nice" way), I got the hell out. Whenever power becomes a part of the R dynamic, whether it's money or sex or anything really, the R is off the rails, IMO.

 

OP: This is not a good R dynamic. This is not good behavior on his part, and it's leading you down a path where your behavior is becoming destructive too (sneaking around checking? I understand the reason you would, but it's not leading anywhere nice for you is my point) because you're playing his power games.

 

My advice is: Don't play. Find some autonomy and a way to stand on your own two feet.

 

Being with a partner who makes more is fine, as long as you retain enough autonomy to not deal with the power aspect.

[Jessie32]

Gosh, this is tough, Jessie.

 

In my humble opinion, the future of your relationship should not ride on whether he condescends to take you on the trip. If he shuts you out of the trip, then you'll obviously be angry. Unfortunately, "allowing" you to go with him might actually reinforce some of the patronizing behaviors that are leading you to the brink here. Keep in mind that some people don't calm down immediately. It has only been a day since the freakout, and he might need a second to cool down. Some men are like this (and some women too!), and it's up to you to decide whether to give him this space. Eventually, you both could discuss what happened calmly and try to come to some understanding about your motivations. It's still unclear to me why he flipped out so radically.

 

If I may say, please don't make decisions about your love life based on whether you can afford to move out! Unless you think he would become violent, you can just tell him that you're sleeping on the couch until you find another place. Life is just too short to think that way (especially when no children are involved). Since your boyfriend makes more money, he has the financial freedom to do what he wants. But so do you!

 

 

He got home a little while ago and I didn't mention anything about it. I'm giving him space and doing my own thing. I was a little irrational earlier today with the whole moving out comment.

[Balzac]

Weddings are emotional planning personified. Have you factored in how your BF feels as it relates to close buddy getting married? I'd expect some emotion. Perhaps this was a part of what fueled his reaction to your comment? Not offering whether he is right but clearly every argument has two points if view.

 

What citizenship is your BF?

[FitChick]

Is it possible he was embarrassed by his friend's suggestion of that crappy hotel? Has he boasted about how wonderful, successful, special they are? Perhaps he was being defensive.

 

Since it's three months away, start saving money in a secret bank account for moving in case you need it. Even if you wind up going on this trip, you want to be prepared for any other antics he may pull in the future. My mother's generation use to call this "mad money."

[Jessie32]

Weddings are emotional planning personified. Have you factored in how your BF feels as it relates to close buddy getting married? I'd expect some emotion. Perhaps this was a part of what fueled his reaction to your comment? Not offering whether he is right but clearly every argument has two points if view.

 

What citizenship is your BF?

 

 

He is Japanese Citizenship. But he grew up in the UK, so he isn't very traditional Japanese. He is very westernized. He is 32 I'm 31.

[Jessie32]

Weddings are emotional planning personified. Have you factored in how your BF feels as it relates to close buddy getting married? I'd expect some emotion. Perhaps this was a part of what fueled his reaction to your comment? Not offering whether he is right but clearly every argument has two points if view.

 

What citizenship is your BF?

 

My bf isn't really emotional.