Joaquin Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) Like the comments quietstorm. It's the only way to do it. The moment you tell a girl you feel insecure, or behave like your insecure, it's over. Girls don't like insecure. Just state your boundaries, and let her do the rest. Of course, if she crosses them, you have to let her go. Maybe that's why guys are scared to have boundaries. Edited July 3, 2012 by Joaquin
dispatch3d Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 If you have to set a lot of boundaries with someone in a relationship the problem might not be that you don't "teach her respect". The problem may be she just isn't that into you, and because of that she's actively looking for the next best thing. I would be cautious about setting clear boundaries on stuff like this. If something is happening that I don't like I'd want it to be obvious to me not hidden. I get the kid analogy. I'm not sure it really applies to relationships. If you were in a grocery store and your girlfriend throws a fit then get a new girlfriend.
mortensorchid Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I can tell you this, I have many guy friends. I have so many guy friends because I do not have many women friends due to caddiness and jealousy issues past. Having survived 8 years of single sex education, I am DONE with obnoxious women of all ages and don't bother with most of them anymore. In your case, however, this guy is being kind of an ass towards you as the bf to make comments like that in your presence. I would simply mention it to your gf that you don't care for the comments that (name) makes and could he reconsider it? If he does not listen, then you have to have a chat directly with him.
Quiet Storm Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) If you have to set a lot of boundaries with someone in a relationship the problem might not be that you don't "teach her respect". The problem may be she just isn't that into you, and because of that she's actively looking for the next best thing. I would be cautious about setting clear boundaries on stuff like this. If something is happening that I don't like I'd want it to be obvious to me not hidden. I get the kid analogy. I'm not sure it really applies to relationships. If you were in a grocery store and your girlfriend throws a fit then get a new girlfriend. I don't think it's really setting boundaries for a particular person, but just having boundaries for all of your interactions with others and sticking to them. In other words, your boundaries and values should remain constant- regardless of the behavior or opinions of others. It's up to you if you choose to make your boundaries known, or quietly observe, decide & act. If someone continues to behave in ways that don't fit with your ideals, then you are not compatible. It's that simple. The kid in a grocery store analogy does apply to relationships because many people, kids or adults, will often test their limits. Immediately making your boundaries known in an assertive (not violent or aggressive) way will let the other person (kid or adult) know that you won't tolerate that. Not saying to drag your GF from the grocery store, but if you two were there and she was blatently flirting with the butcher, it would be perfectly acceptable for you to leave. I had to take the kid home with me, but you don't have to do that with an adult. Leaving her there in the store alone, even if you just went to the car, would make a much bigger statement about your feelings then waiting until after the fact and saying "I didn't like it when you did that, please don't do it again". Problem is that many men are so afraid of losing her to the butcher that they'll accept anything just to have a GF- not realizing that their acceptance of will cause her to lose respect for him. Explaining your position, but not taking any action when your boundaries have been trounced on, shows that you accept it, regardless of what your mouth says. Actions not words, accomplish much more, is all I'm saying. Edited July 3, 2012 by Quiet Storm
manup Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I can tell you this, I have many guy friends. I have so many guy friends because I do not have many women friends due to caddiness and jealousy issues past. Having survived 8 years of single sex education, I am DONE with obnoxious women of all ages and don't bother with most of them anymore. In your case, however, this guy is being kind of an ass towards you as the bf to make comments like that in your presence. I would simply mention it to your gf that you don't care for the comments that (name) makes and could he reconsider it? If he does not listen, then you have to have a chat directly with him. Be honest, how many "guy friends" have you hooked up with.
Joaquin Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Boundaries aren't about the other person as such. They are about me and indicate my values and set up the kind of relationship I want. The best girls ive known never needed to be told my boundaries, they already had that basic s### inside them. So I can see what the poster said, if she is into you, she won't need to be told boundaries. She will always have your back, she wont need to be taught. Red flag when she doesn't.
veggirl Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Bottom line is a 20 yr old girl is not mature enough to understand or respect boundaries of male "friendships" when she so clearly loves the attention. I would cut my losses if I was you and just end it. Any conversation you have with her about this will end in her saying something about how crazy you are and how jealous you are. Why bother? 1
Author sibernox Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Thank you all so much for your replies and input. And thanks Quiet storm for the detailed analysis, I wrote it all down in my phone and will bring it up next time I talk to her. Thanks again!
joystickd Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 (edited) That's why I have a rule of not dating women with straight guy friends (surrogate boyfriends). Some will do some b***h move like that to see where your heart is. They know if you react a certain way that she will get mad. I would have in a calm way checked him on his s**t right there. Some of these surrogate boyfriends will see how far they can go sometimes so its best to stop them dead in their tracks as early as possible before the escalate to a point where you have to beat their a$$. Edited July 4, 2012 by joystickd misspelled word
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Start looking for another girlfriend, bro. LOL - yeah, this... start looking for another girlfriend because of what will be your own responses/interactions with her. That, ultimately, will have nothing to do with how she and her male friend interact. It will all be the result of the giant insecurity you're about to show. The last thing a 20yo girl wants around is an older-yet-majorly-insecure guy. The secret lies in the following quote from this very thread: Single straight men cannot be friends with females. They WILL try to bang them any chance they get. There isn't a sensible person among us who won't agree that the male friends wants your girlfriend sexually. However, that simply isn't the issue here. While MrCastle's quote is right on target, the same/opposite is not true of women. If in her own mind, your girlfriend has written-off sexual attraction TO that male friend, then it simply doesn't matter that they're hanging out as friends, even if he wants to bone her. (see the Womens' Ladder at laddertheory.com for better understanding) So, the best response would be to not reveal your giant insecurity, for while you may rid the environment of the immediate male threat, you'll simultaneously be signing your walking papers for a timepoint in the not-too-distant future.
manup Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 LOL - yeah, this... start looking for another girlfriend because of what will be your own responses/interactions with her. That, ultimately, will have nothing to do with how she and her male friend interact. It will all be the result of the giant insecurity you're about to show. The last thing a 20yo girl wants around is an older-yet-majorly-insecure guy. The secret lies in the following quote from this very thread: There isn't a sensible person among us who won't agree that the male friends wants your girlfriend sexually. However, that simply isn't the issue here. While MrCastle's quote is right on target, the same/opposite is not true of women. If in her own mind, your girlfriend has written-off sexual attraction TO that male friend, then it simply doesn't matter that they're hanging out as friends, even if he wants to bone her. (see the Womens' Ladder at laddertheory.com for better understanding) So, the best response would be to not reveal your giant insecurity, for while you may rid the environment of the immediate male threat, you'll simultaneously be signing your walking papers for a timepoint in the not-too-distant future. Women are weak sometimes, especially when they're young and have no boundaries.
g450 Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 lol Them comments are just massively innapropiate and you should be very concerned You got a problem. Exactly! She invited an ex to party with you and her? Who the hell does that? She has little to no respect for you. I had the same problem at one time with my Wife when I first started dating her. All her old ex FBs would show up to "talk" to her. Usually when I was in the bathroom or having a smoke. WTF? Had one come up right next to me to talk to her and she didnt even introduce me to him as her boyfriend / fiance. I let her know in no small way that I was not cool with that. She almost lost me because of her XH and her X FBs at one point and she had to make the decision its me or them. No room for Exes as friends as they can never be "just friends" ever again. That's a farce that some people here try to convey as a fact. For the most part, a girl that keeps her exes around and parties with them usually has issues and tends to be attention whores. They will usually break your heart sooner if not later. I would rather she break it off with me because she thinks Im insecure than for her to bang other guys behind my back because she thinks Im a doormat. As others have said. I would give her one chance to nip this in the bud or I would dump her. I had to do the same thing with my GF and now that we are married we have an understanding. We never go to the club alone and when we do we respect each others boundries. All her exes know this as well and if there are any out there that havent got the news yet, I will take care of that personally. Once the ring goes on, the games stop and the gloves come off. Quite Storm basically told you what you need to do. If I was the OP I would sit both her and her guy friend down for a chat and lay down the law. If she doesnt like it, she can have her freedom with him as she has chosen her friendship with her ex fb over her love for you. You dont need that. You can do better.
Author sibernox Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 Back to this thread again. She eased up on the seeing him but it came up today again. She just called me asking if she can hang out with him tonight, but it still makes me feel uneasy as hell. I don't know what to do though, I don't wana be the controlling/irrational boyfriend, but I also don;'t like feeling like this. I already made her cut out her ex from her life (she shares a dog with him) and I don't wana have to tell her to cut someone else out of her life, it's just not me. She also just texted me saying "This rollercoaster is ridiculous. I'm crying at work. Again. In front of my boss." I don't know what to do anymore...
Pierre Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Back to this thread again. She eased up on the seeing him but it came up today again. She just called me asking if she can hang out with him tonight, but it still makes me feel uneasy as hell. I don't know what to do though, I don't wana be the controlling/irrational boyfriend, but I also don;'t like feeling like this. I already made her cut out her ex from her life (she shares a dog with him) and I don't wana have to tell her to cut someone else out of her life, it's just not me. She also just texted me saying "This rollercoaster is ridiculous. I'm crying at work. Again. In front of my boss." I don't know what to do anymore... Regardless of whether you are controlling or not. If she keeps doing something that she knows is hurtful to you then she is not GF material. The only real male friends women have are gay. If she is able to give him a boner then you have a problem.
truth_seeker Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 More than likely she's slept around with a lot of her "guy friends" or her guy friends want to sleep with her. Women don't understand that most of their guy buddies would sleep with them if they get a chance. Girls like this are trouble even if they don't realize it. You're right. You can't take a girl like this seriously at all. She's an attention whore, and most likely, a whore.
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