sibernox Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 To start off, I've been dating my gf for about 7 months now. I'm 24, she's 20. To make a long story short, she's had this guy friend and they've been really good friends for 3 years or so now. When we first started dating they never hung out because they were having their differences but they've recently made up and have been hanging out on a weekly basis. I met him for the first time last week, we were at a supper with a bunch of people. I tried to be nice to the guy until he started making a couple of inaproppriate comments. For instance, my gf was telling him how he should come clubbing with her, I and my friends and he replied with "no, no, I wana go clubbing just me and you!". And at another point he got up to go to the bathroom and looked at her and said something like "you coming?". Weird, but whatever. I talked to her about it and she said she'd talk to him. Apparently she did and he said he'd stop being an idiot. It still bothers me that she sees him though, it makes me uncomfortable. On the one hand, I don't wana say anything else so I don't look insecure/possessive, but on the other hand I can't help feeling uncomfortable with it. She's already stopped seeing her ex-bf for me (they used to hang out but it was too much for me) and I don't wana give her another ultimatum, but I'm not too sure what to do. Thank you for reading.
Emilia Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 It is insecurity on your part, she is prepared to do everything to reassure you, you have nothing to worry about. It doesn't matter how much of an idiot he is, it's her attitude that matters and it seems she puts your feelings as priority and she does her best to make you feel being heard. I'd say you should try to make friends with him and learn to deal with this. It would work for you well long term I think.
Beetleguise Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 lol Them comments are just massively innapropiate and you should be very concerned You got a problem.
Michael Johnson Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 She's allowing this guy to make subtle "I want you" comments to her and he's being a loser. If I were you, I'd be very concerned. This has nothing to do with insecurity. 1
Chunky Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 The fact that he wants to go out clubbing with her suggests to me that he likes her and wants alone time with her. I'd see about getting rid of him right away. He's after your girl!
LittlePrince Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I'd ask,"You sure have a lot of boyfriends so why am I here?" 2
BeyondtheClouds Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 **** For instance, my gf was telling him how he should come clubbing with her, I and my friends and he replied with "no, no, I wana go clubbing just me and you!". And at another point he got up to go to the bathroom and looked at her and said something like "you coming?".**** I do find it interesting at how people in these positions are able to come up so naturally too with these cryptic remarks whether in public or private. For example, my bf's EA once texted the day after she knew he and I had a date; proceeded to ask him first whether he texted her at 1 am in the morning; and then, did I spend the night. Interesting what thoughts those questions put into your mind.
Pierre Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 To start off, I've been dating my gf for about 7 months now. I'm 24, she's 20. To make a long story short, she's had this guy friend and they've been really good friends for 3 years or so now. When we first started dating they never hung out because they were having their differences but they've recently made up and have been hanging out on a weekly basis. I met him for the first time last week, we were at a supper with a bunch of people. I tried to be nice to the guy until he started making a couple of inaproppriate comments. For instance, my gf was telling him how he should come clubbing with her, I and my friends and he replied with "no, no, I wana go clubbing just me and you!". And at another point he got up to go to the bathroom and looked at her and said something like "you coming?". Weird, but whatever. I talked to her about it and she said she'd talk to him. Apparently she did and he said he'd stop being an idiot. It still bothers me that she sees him though, it makes me uncomfortable. On the one hand, I don't wana say anything else so I don't look insecure/possessive, but on the other hand I can't help feeling uncomfortable with it. She's already stopped seeing her ex-bf for me (they used to hang out but it was too much for me) and I don't wana give her another ultimatum, but I'm not too sure what to do. Thank you for reading. If you suspect something is wrong then there is a 90% chance something is wrong. Your GF likes attention from men and she is a candidate for heavy duty cheating. 2
monkey00 Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 When we first started dating they never hung out because they were having their differences but they've recently made up and have been hanging out on a weekly basis. . Do they hang out 1on1 a lot or in a group setting? If it's 1on1, that's a lot of hanging out each week. Even if there isn't physical cheating, there is some kind of emotional cheating going on. Well it's a gray area and as a bf I would be concerned. How would she feel if you were doing that with a female friend every week?
FitChick Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Just because a guy likes a girl doesn't mean the woman is obligated to date him. If she was going to cheat, she would have done it long ago. Tell her you feel sorry for the friend and why doesn't she fix him up with one of her girlfriends? If you know any single women, why don't you introduce them?
Quiet Storm Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 (edited) This guy disrespected you right in front of her and you both allowed it. You should have spoke up right then and there and said "Whoa buddy, is there something going on here that I need to know about?" If he didn't shut up and apologize then you should say to your girlfriend "I'm out" and leave. She should have told him he was being inappropriate. This whole scenario reeks of disrespect and I wouldn't be surprised if they both see you as a weak pushover. Being assertive and standing up for yourself is sexually attractive. Allowing yourself to be blatently disrespected is a turn off. You teach people how to treat you. You were disrespected and sat there and took it. Edited July 2, 2012 by Quiet Storm 4
BeyondtheClouds Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Just because a guy likes a girl doesn't mean the woman is obligated to date him. If she was going to cheat, she would have done it long ago. Tell her you feel sorry for the friend and why doesn't she fix him up with one of her girlfriends? If you know any single women, why don't you introduce them? But if a girl is a dating a guy exclusively, there is a thing called respect and she doesn't pageant her former lovers and admirers and would-be lovers in front of him and his friends whether for comment or not. If you like holding on to your male friends at whatever cost, then good for you.
manup Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 To start off, I've been dating my gf for about 7 months now. I'm 24, she's 20. To make a long story short, she's had this guy friend and they've been really good friends for 3 years or so now. When we first started dating they never hung out because they were having their differences but they've recently made up and have been hanging out on a weekly basis. I met him for the first time last week, we were at a supper with a bunch of people. I tried to be nice to the guy until he started making a couple of inaproppriate comments. For instance, my gf was telling him how he should come clubbing with her, I and my friends and he replied with "no, no, I wana go clubbing just me and you!". And at another point he got up to go to the bathroom and looked at her and said something like "you coming?". Weird, but whatever. I talked to her about it and she said she'd talk to him. Apparently she did and he said he'd stop being an idiot. It still bothers me that she sees him though, it makes me uncomfortable. On the one hand, I don't wana say anything else so I don't look insecure/possessive, but on the other hand I can't help feeling uncomfortable with it. She's already stopped seeing her ex-bf for me (they used to hang out but it was too much for me) and I don't wana give her another ultimatum, but I'm not too sure what to do. Thank you for reading. More than likely she's slept around with a lot of her "guy friends" or her guy friends want to sleep with her. Women don't understand that most of their guy buddies would sleep with them if they get a chance. Girls like this are trouble even if they don't realize it. 1
MrCastle Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 That's the whole thing. Single straight men cannot be friends with females. They WILL try to bang them any chance they get. I think you have a right to be concerned, but presenting an ultimatum is a sign of weakness. People who give ultimatums do it as a last ditch effort to salvage their respect. Their last chance to try to gain some sort of power in a relationship. This is one of those unfortunate situations where if you do nothing, you could be allowing this dude to make moves on your girl. If you overreact, you come across as threatened and insecure. In the PUA world some might suggest you mirror her actions and start hanging with female friends to send her a message that you too, have options you can turn to at a moment's notice. While I don't doubt it's effectiveness, I'm not one to play mind games. I set the frame early on, they know what's acceptable and what's not. Once that line is crossed, they're nexted. 3
Author sibernox Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 The fact that he wants to go out clubbing with her suggests to me that he likes her and wants alone time with her. I'd see about getting rid of him right away. He's after your girl! but how can I do that without looking insecure/possessive? Do they hang out 1on1 a lot or in a group setting? If it's 1on1, that's a lot of hanging out each week. Even if there isn't physical cheating, there is some kind of emotional cheating going on. Well it's a gray area and as a bf I would be concerned. How would she feel if you were doing that with a female friend every week? well, the past 3 weeks they've hung out a total of 4 times. 3 times in a group setting and once just him and her. This guy disrespected you right in front of her and you both allowed it. You should have spoke up right then and there and said "Whoa buddy, is there something going on here that I need to know about?" If he didn't shut up and apologize then you should say to your girlfriend "I'm out" and leave. She should have told him he was being inappropriate. This whole scenario reeks of disrespect and I wouldn't be surprised if they both see you as a weak pushover. Being assertive and standing up for yourself is sexually attractive. Allowing yourself to be blatently disrespected is a turn off. You teach people how to treat you. You were disrespected and sat there and took it. how can I do that without causing a scene/looking a bit too possessive/looking like I'm over-reacting? It was a friend's goodbye party and I didn't want to cause a scene and ruin someone's party... That's the whole thing. Single straight men cannot be friends with females. They WILL try to bang them any chance they get. I think you have a right to be concerned, but presenting an ultimatum is a sign of weakness. People who give ultimatums do it as a last ditch effort to salvage their respect. Their last chance to try to gain some sort of power in a relationship. This is one of those unfortunate situations where if you do nothing, you could be allowing this dude to make moves on your girl. If you overreact, you come across as threatened and insecure. In the PUA world some might suggest you mirror her actions and start hanging with female friends to send her a message that you too, have options you can turn to at a moment's notice. While I don't doubt it's effectiveness, I'm not one to play mind games. I set the frame early on, they know what's acceptable and what's not. Once that line is crossed, they're nexted. Exactly, I almost feel like my hands are tied. One the one hand, if I let them keep hanging out and say absolutely nothing about it it'll keep making me feel very uncomfortable. On the other hand, if I do speak up any more and tell her it's me or him, what does that do? I don't know what to do...
Feelsgoodman Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 It is insecurity on your part, she is prepared to do everything to reassure you, you have nothing to worry about. Riiiiight...She has known this guy for 3 years, they hang out every week and the guy feels comfortable enough to make sexually suggestive comments right in front of her boyfriend...yet the OP has "nothing to worry about" . Your response is a perfect illustration of why men should NEVER take dating advice from women.
Author sibernox Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Riiiiight...She has known this guy for 3 years, they hang out every week and the guy feels comfortable enough to make sexually suggestive comments right in front of her boyfriend...yet the OP has "nothing to worry about" . Your response is a perfect illustration of why men should NEVER take dating advice from women. That's the thing though, whatever I say she can spin in her favor. How can I address anything about this issue without looking like an insecure jealous boyfriend?
Feelsgoodman Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 That's the thing though, whatever I say she can spin in her favor. How can I address anything about this issue without looking like an insecure jealous boyfriend? I can guarantee that she has been intimate with this guy in the past (and there's a good chance that's she still screwing him). When they "hang out", what do you think they do? Play chess? In my opinion, the fact that you even find yourself in this situation indicates that your girl is not relationship material.
Author sibernox Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 I can guarantee that she has been intimate with this guy in the past (and there's a good chance that's she still screwing him). When they "hang out", what do you think they do? Play chess? In my opinion, the fact that you even find yourself in this situation indicates that your girl is not relationship material. I don't know, I highly doubt that they've ever been intimate. Before me, she had a long term boyfriend and she was still friends with this dude back then. What am I supposed to do ? Do I straight-up ask her if she's ever done anything sexually with this guy? Does that not come off as insecure?
Quiet Storm Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) how can I do that without causing a scene/looking a bit too possessive/looking like I'm over-reacting? It was a friend's goodbye party and I didn't want to cause a scene and ruin someone's party... I don't think making a statement and leaving is "making a scene". I think it's setting appropriate boundaries and letting your girlfriend (and others)know that you don't tolerate blatant disrespect. Many men truly underestimate the value of being assertive when it comes to sexual attraction. Not saying to act like an *******, but stand up for yourself. Although you may think it's a a sacrifice worth making to keep the peace, being too accomodating, "nice" and letting people walk over you just makes you look weak, IMO. You were not overreacting, and I think most people that heard his comments would agree. Instead, I suspect they are talking more about your non-reaction. Being possessive is not allowing your GF to go anywhere or do anything without you. Being possessive is cutting her off from friends and family. Speaking up when a guy flirting with your GF is not possessive, IMO. I didn't advise to grab your GF and yell at him "This is my girl!" I said to tell him to stop and then to leave. Leaving is not a controlling behavior, it is simply removing yourself from a situation in which you were being disrespected. You teach people how to treat you. When my kids were toddlers there were moments in grocery stores where I would refuse to buy candy or toys and they would drop to the floor in tears, screaming. I've seen other moms buy the candy to shut them up, to avoid the embarrasment of an out of control child & the inconvenience of going back to the store. Not me! I'd leave a cart full of groceries behind, scoop up the kid and drag them out of store, calmly stating "If you are going to act like that, you can't come to the store with Mommy. I don't take kids to the store that act like this". It curbed the tantrums with every kid. You'd be amazed at how quickly actions, instead of just talking & warning people, work to change the behavior of others. Leaving that situation would have been in your best interest, IMO. Edited July 3, 2012 by Quiet Storm
Author sibernox Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 I don't think making a statement and leaving is "making a scene". I think it's setting appropriate boundaries and letting your girlfriend (and others)know that you don't tolerate blatant disrespect. Many men truly underestimate the value of being assertive when it comes to sexual attraction. Not saying to act like an *******, but stand up for yourself. Although you may think it's a a sacrifice worth making to keep the peace, being too accomodating, "nice" and letting people walk over you just makes you look weak, IMO. You were not overreacting, and I think most people that heard his comments would agree. Instead, I suspect they are talking more about your non-reaction. Being possessive is not allowing your GF to go anywhere or do anything without you. Being possessive is cutting her off from friends and family. Speaking up when a guy flirting with your GF is not possessive, IMO. I didn't advise to grab your GF and yell at him "This is my girl!" I said to tell him to stop and then to leave. Leaving is not a controlling behavior, it is simply removing yourself from a situation in which you were being disrespected. You teach people how to treat you. When my kids were toddlers there were moments in grocery stores where I would refuse to buy candy or toys and they would drop to the floor in tears, screaming. I've seen other moms buy the candy to shut them up, to avoid the embarrasment of an out of control child & the inconvenience of going back to the store. Not me! I'd leave a cart full of groceries behind, scoop up the kid and drag them out of store, calmly stating "If you are going to act like that, you can't come to the store with Mommy. I don't take kids to the store that act like this". It curbed the tantrums with every kid. You'd be amazed at how quickly actions, instead of just talking & warning people, work to change the behavior of others. Leaving that situation would have been in your best interest, IMO. Thanks for your post and input, very appreciated. But what am I supposed to do now? She's supposed to see this guy again tonight, but they won't be alone, her other friend will also be there (a girl). They're going to the movies. Again, I'm not sure what to do here. Like I said, I don't want to keep feeling uncomfortable but at the same time I don't want to seem controlling or insecure...
Feelsgoodman Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I don't know, I highly doubt that they've ever been intimate. Before me, she had a long term boyfriend and she was still friends with this dude back then. What am I supposed to do ? Do I straight-up ask her if she's ever done anything sexually with this guy? Does that not come off as insecure? I think it's legitimate question. They hang out a lot and the guy feels so comfortable with her that he's making sexually suggestive comments...And that whole thing about asking if she's going to the bathroom with him...I mean WTF does she need to accompany the guy to the bathroom for? I can only think of two things: 1) blowjob; and 2) drugs.
Quiet Storm Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Thanks for your post and input, very appreciated. But what am I supposed to do now? She's supposed to see this guy again tonight, but they won't be alone, her other friend will also be there (a girl). They're going to the movies. Again, I'm not sure what to do here. Like I said, I don't want to keep feeling uncomfortable but at the same time I don't want to seem controlling or insecure... It is up to you to set the boundaries in your relationship. You should say something like, "I feel that your "friend" doesn't respect our relationship because of the comments that he made. I won't tell you what to do or demand that you cut off the friendship, but I will tell you that I am not comfortable with it. I feel your friendship with him is hurting our relationship, and I think our relationship is special and I want to protect it. I question why you would choose to be friends with someone that would make comments like that to you in front of your boyfriend. I'm not sure I like what that says about you and your character. Your insistence to continue a friendship with him, knowing the way that I am feeling, has me confused. I can't control you or your friends, but I can control myself and who I choose to associate with. I enjoy being with you and want to continue our relationship, but I won't lower my standards or tolerate disrespect just to be in a relationship with you." And she may feel controlled and get all POd and say something like "What is that an ultimatum? You're trying to control me!" And you say, "No. You can do whatever you want, but don't expect me to put up with whatever you decide to dish out. This situation makes me feel ways that I don't want to feel. I won't continue to put myself through that, for you or for anyone". Put the ball in her court. If the friendship is more important than your relationship, she will defend him and their "friendship". If your relationship is her priority, she will distance herself from him. If she says "We have been friends for years and I don't want to hurt his feelings", realize that she is placing his feelings over your feelings. If this happens, then you know where her loyalty is and you are better off without her. However, if you are going to say the above, you must be prepared to back it up with actions. You can't say all that and then stay with her when she goes to the movies with him. Then you will really be a doormat. You have to be prepared to back up your words with actions, if needed. Don't buy into the controlling & possessive BS. Make it clear to her that her choices are hers, and yours are yours. You can't control her choices. She can't control the way you feel about her choices or the way you react to them. Just because she thinks the friendship is harmless doesn't mean you must accept it. If she chooses to go to the movies with other men, the consequence of that may be losing you. That's not control, that is abiding by your personal boundaries and staying true to your values. 3
manup Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 That's the thing though, whatever I say she can spin in her favor. How can I address anything about this issue without looking like an insecure jealous boyfriend? Today is when you start standing up for yourself. In a stern voice say ____ I don't like you spending time alone with so and so. From now on I would like to be present if you hang out with him. He's made sexually suggestive comments and I don't like it. If you want to continue this relationship etc... etc... If she dumps you move on, if she doesn't comply dump her.
Recommended Posts