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Should I apologize to my friend for bullying in the past?

MargaritaBIV

By MargaritaBIV
in General Relationship Discussion

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MargaritaBIV New Member

MargaritaBIV

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I wasn't always friends with Gina. I had her in grades 7th till 12th.

 

Grades 7th-9th: My group of friends and I gave her a hard time (bodysurfing her out of the gym, had others calling her a loser, spreading some rumors, etc.). Sadly I was the female ringleader.

 

Grade 10th aka the ''kinda better year for her'': My friends and I were once in a while invite her but none of us would really talked much to her or we would just dare her to do stuff. Sort of like ''Ok, if you do that... then you'll cool and in our group''. If she didn't do it then she wasn't kool for that day so one time I dared her to declare love to some randome guy or usually tell her ''Ok Gina, we'll wait for you at lunch'' but sometimes we didn't. I was still the ringleader too.

 

Grade 11-12th ''aka the year it got really bad for me at home and other personal issue (death in the family, etc)'': Ok I was no longer doing those things and basically was trying to make things right. That was really my way of saying sorry without saying it but by showing it. My friends and I invited Gina and some of the other girls more often. Only this time it was for real. Our friendship started developing during that time.

 

Present-day: I'm good friends with Gina but not sure if she might still be hurt by what we would do, esp. me being the former ringleader? She hasn't mentioned any of it. Well it has now passed 8 years since then but should I say something or not? Part of me feels like apologizing but not sure if she would want me to bring back all those bad memories of when we weren't friends? So should I apologize or not mention it? I know I was forgiven but it was still wrong.

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MargaritaBIV New Member

MargaritaBIV

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There are also a couple girls I now get along with (we're friends too) but never really offered a former, verbal apology.

 

Or is it way past already? Told my sister about it and she said it's better not to bring it back if we're friends but do you think she might still be hurt by those memories?

Edited by MargaritaBIV
spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

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As someone who experienced bullying in school, I would say yes. It would help to know that the person regrets what they did and realises it was wrong. It won't make it better and she'll still have bad memories but at least she'll know you've matured and care about her now.

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whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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It would mean a lot to her if you owned what you did in the past, apologized to her and let her know that you adore her now and that you feel lucky to have her in your life.

 

Bullying sucks, and scarring can stay forever. Buried, but it still can be there, give one insecurities and at times, certain situations are triggers.

 

I was bullied when I was younger by a bunch of cruel girls. Later in life I went to a wedding and ran into one of the bully's. It made ME smile to see her, quite chunky and she hadn't aged well (when I saw her, we were both in our early 30's)..She actually did come talk to me and brought up the past. To be honest, it did mean something to me that she took the time to say hi (she could have ignored me or pretended she didn't remember me) and talk. It put some of what they did to me to rest..

 

So, please do talk to your friend. It'll make her day.

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
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I wasn't always friends with Gina. I had her in grades 7th till 12th.

 

Grades 7th-9th: My group of friends and I gave her a hard time (bodysurfing her out of the gym, had others calling her a loser, spreading some rumors, etc.). Sadly I was the female ringleader.

 

Grade 10th aka the ''kinda better year for her'': My friends and I were once in a while invite her but none of us would really talked much to her or we would just dare her to do stuff. Sort of like ''Ok, if you do that... then you'll cool and in our group''. If she didn't do it then she wasn't kool for that day so one time I dared her to declare love to some randome guy or usually tell her ''Ok Gina, we'll wait for you at lunch'' but sometimes we didn't. I was still the ringleader too.

 

Grade 11-12th ''aka the year it got really bad for me at home and other personal issue (death in the family, etc)'': Ok I was no longer doing those things and basically was trying to make things right. That was really my way of saying sorry without saying it but by showing it. My friends and I invited Gina and some of the other girls more often. Only this time it was for real. Our friendship started developing during that time.

 

Present-day: I'm good friends with Gina but not sure if she might still be hurt by what we would do, esp. me being the former ringleader? She hasn't mentioned any of it. Well it has now passed 8 years since then but should I say something or not? Part of me feels like apologizing but not sure if she would want me to bring back all those bad memories of when we weren't friends? So should I apologize or not mention it? I know I was forgiven but it was still wrong.

 

 

Everybody hurts somebody in their life time..... I think it a wonderful thought that you should care how she is feeling now......and have regret......it can be hard to bring up face to face......if you did decide you wanted to apologize what about a handmade card saying how you mightnt have appreciated how special she was in the past but you are so blessed to have her now as your friend.....i know it sounds really soppy.....but for her to go get her mail and have that among a pile of bills......wouldnt that make her day......it would mine if it were me and it is what i do for my friends and they do it back...its all about effort..... its easy to say something it takes thought and time to make something that can be a permanent reminder of appreciation and or remorse.........deb

Radu Established Member

Radu

Posted
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I was bulied by both my teacher and classmates from 1st grade to 4th grade. 5th grade we got a nice math teacher as our class supervisor, but i was still bullied for another 2yrs or so.

7th and 8th grades i was not bullied anymore but i started becoming a bit antisocial [somewhat bullying] towards other kids.

9th grade i went to HS, and in a mixed class the guys did not bully me anymore, some did joke around. Some of the girls though, did continue bullying me [i'm a guy], emotionally generally which closed me up even more [my favorite was humiliating me in front of my guests at my 18yr b-day party, done by 2 popular girls].

There weren't many occurences but after the first 4-6yrs of school i had become somewhat hypersensitive about any such occurences.

A big depression followed at the end of college that i am still left picking up the pieces from, bulying in school i guess played a role in all of this, though i prefer to not give it too much credit.

 

I never received an apology, from the teacher [female teacher] or from the principal [in one occurence i ended up in the hospital with a gash on top of my head, and in another i took a few boots to the jaw], not to mention the kids.

I'm almost 30 now, and believe it or not, i consider myself lucky.

During the first 4yrs i was in class with 2 girls who were bullied by the teacher far worse than i was. Think public humiliation in front of the school, including telling her family secrets to the entire assembly, parading her through the school with a tag that read 'did not prepare', beaten with the ruler.

I saw one of those girls turn in just a few yrs from a bright sunny person to a closed up one, never looking up from the ground. She is still like that, her life is ruined; the other one was also affected but not that badly.

 

I honestly don't blame some of those kids that kill themselves after being subjected to it repeatedly. Some ppl become hypersensitive to this stuff and just see no end to it, so they decide to stop it this way ... think of it as the ultimate way in which they can take charge of their lives.

And it certainly beats a lifetime being spent the way the girl above is spending it.

 

I think for most of those that were subjected to bullying, a heartfelt apology would be appreciated.

 

----

 

Now in regards to your situation, your sister is either clueless, lacks empathy [was she popular during HS ?], or she is just feeding you what she thinks you want to hear [most likely ... no offense but women tend to give such 'nice' answers].

I would say apologize but make sure that the apology is a sincere one.

That means, do not offer any excuses, just say you were sorry and your behaviour was not a nice one [anything followed by a 'but' is a way of deflecting blame while also appearing to accepting it].

 

Good Luck, it's nice to see someone being sorry for something like this.

 

PS: I feel somewhat bad for what i did during the 7th and 8th grade.

I should not have done it, and i would probably feel even worse if my conflict with them didn't come from them doing things to me when i was down the yrs before ... taking advantage of the situation.

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