Life Person Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Hi everyone, I haven't been frequenting much of this forum in the past months, and this is a good sign, as it meant I healed pretty quickly. The forum helped in getting a perspective on my situation, as did therapy, friends and realizing that in life you are constantly struggling, but it pays off if you are determined. What happened this last winter is that my girlfriend of 4 years went into GIGS (the pattern is very similar to the GIGS thread), falling in love with our mutual bestfriend (see thread here) and dumping me a bit out of the blue, although I do have to say that I was too preoccupied with my own depressing issues to notice too much the red flags, and we drifted apart until she broke up with me. At first it was a struggle, but I soon started working towards letting go of her, going into NC, ignoring her breadcrumbs (trying even to gain strength from them) and focusing on bettering myself, until I was on a good path to recovery relatively early, 6 months after the break-up, almost getting over her. That's when she told me they had broken up. The grass was not greener... From what I gathered talking to her, this guy who had seemed so good was actually a jerk (he fooled not only her, but me as well - he used the friendship with me to get to her), insecure and manipulative. They never really got along, except in the beginning while I was still talking with her (she was having the cake and eating it too). She actually says she felt relieved when they broke up. She now says she knows what she wants, and that is to be with me and fight for the relationship. It's not roses all over again, so... I move to the Second Chances forum - Getting back together after love started to fade. 1
january2011 Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 The grass is greener on the other side...because it's fertilised with sh*t. Those suffering from GIGS don't see that until they cross over and look at the ground more closely. By then, it's too late to turn back - they've already been walking in it for a while and they stink. 2
Samilia Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I wouldn't be able to trust her again. I couldn't make love to her either, I would think about the other guy and my penis would go poof, if I had one. You worked hard to get better, find someone trustworthy, someone you don't share such a bad history with.
Author Life Person Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 january2011: so true... Samilia: the trust is very much torn, but I can also see the other side, everybody can make mistakes. And although I have now a bad history with this girl, we also share a very good history, far longer than the period this whole sorry story took. Yes, she walked all over that in the fog that got over her head, but again, we all make mistakes, and she seems truly sorry. In truth, I'm as much worried about my struggling feelings as about her slipping again (at least in the near future). I don't want to be in a relationship just for the sake of the past, I want to be able to look forward to continuing this relationship. However, the past is what makes couples fight when things get rough, and in truth, what is the couple that has stayed together for many years without weathering serious problems? Argh, it's complicated...
Samilia Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 january2011: so true... Samilia: the trust is very much torn, but I can also see the other side, everybody can make mistakes. And although I have now a bad history with this girl, we also share a very good history, far longer than the period this whole sorry story took. Yes, she walked all over that in the fog that got over her head, but again, we all make mistakes, and she seems truly sorry. In truth, I'm as much worried about my struggling feelings as about her slipping again (at least in the near future). I don't want to be in a relationship just for the sake of the past, I want to be able to look forward to continuing this relationship. However, the past is what makes couples fight when things get rough, and in truth, what is the couple that has stayed together for many years without weathering serious problems? Argh, it's complicated... I agree, however it's not that I couldn't forgive, it's just that I couldn't forget. They say once a cheater always a cheater. It's not always true and I know people do make the one time mistake, I did mistakes too, if of a different nature. This one however would leave me wondering if she's the rule or the exception and that alone with be the poison to my relationship.
Plan 9 from OS Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 january2011: so true... Samilia: the trust is very much torn, but I can also see the other side, everybody can make mistakes. And although I have now a bad history with this girl, we also share a very good history, far longer than the period this whole sorry story took. Yes, she walked all over that in the fog that got over her head, but again, we all make mistakes, and she seems truly sorry. In truth, I'm as much worried about my struggling feelings as about her slipping again (at least in the near future). I don't want to be in a relationship just for the sake of the past, I want to be able to look forward to continuing this relationship. However, the past is what makes couples fight when things get rough, and in truth, what is the couple that has stayed together for many years without weathering serious problems? Argh, it's complicated... I may not be the best one to give you advice because I haven't gone through a break up in a long time. But one thing I believe is that if someone truly loves you, they won't force you to become a mind reader. If you truly loved someone, you would do everything within your power to care for that person. A big part of caring is communicating. This is what I mean by my earlier comment. If you love someone and you see them hurting or if you are being hurt by them, you would say something, right? You wouldn't force them to become like Hercule Poirot in order to discover clues to an unsolved mystery within your own relationship, would you? It's not rational IMO. I believe that real love is about giving of oneself to the other person to the point that you carefully tend to your relationship like a gardener does with his/her garden. Love at first sight and ideas of "just knowing that he/she is my soul mate the instant we met" sounds nice - very much like fairytales. But real and meaningful love goes much deeper than that. It needs to be nurtured and allowed to slowly grow into something special. Nurturing love involves communication so that the two of you follow the same path. It does not mean that 1) you stand in the background while you see your partner hurting or struggling with personal problems and 2) you quietly keep a list of the things that your partner failed to do for your relationship and then decide to check out by cheating or breaking up because you failed to read the clues properly. I did not read your past threads too closely, but I think I got the gist of it. If not, I'll make edits to this post.
leoc1973 Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 6 months is definitely too early. OK you know that a huge portion of us have had almost the same exact types of relationships and breakups. Its scary how many people you read had a great relationship and then poof its gone and they left for greener pastures. I am not going to ramble on about my story but the gist of it was we broke up got back together after 5 months where she realized I was the best man in the universe and she cried and cried till I took her back. 2 years later same thing.. she's gone again (another man again) this was a year ago and now she's doing it again after a few failed relationships where she can't get that "feeling" that she had with me. She says she really learned her lesson this time bla bla bla... But I am not doing it again even tho the rule of gigs says that she has had enough time away this time to sow her oats. I just can't do it again. Like the previous(female of all things) poster said I would think about another man on top of her and poof limp! In my last year I have learned so much about women and people. I have always been in a serious relationship and never really dated around. But the one thing I will say I have come away with this whole learning experience and LS especially is this. I want a woman who cannot imagine her world without me. A woman who looks at other men and has no interest. I mostly desire this because of all the ladies here on LS I have read a million stories over this last year and the one thing that always hits me in the heart is the girls on here who don't even wanna date another man because they love their ex so much and no other guy really appeals to them. This girl you are speaking of CAN imagine her life without you as well as my ex can. I don't know maybe I have higher expectations of people and women but your ex did not stick around when things got tough and when you needed her most. She ran away to another man. And if a girl is susceptible to listen to another guys crap about if he was her man he would do this and he would do that then I wouldn't(and don't) want a girl like that. I want a girl to stand up for me and say bull ****! Thats my man and you are not allowed to talk about him or bash him to try to get into my pants. 4
Tiera D Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 The grass is only greener if you are in a abusive relationship..Anything else its the feeling of a new thrill that eventually hits you back twice as hard when the effect dies down.People must understand that going drunk every night partying hard does not make you any younger nor stops aging..it just makes you numb and dumb TD
YellowShark Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Forget her. You will never trust her again fully, your relationship will never be what it was, and she has shown she is very capable of throwing you under a bus. That's not true love. Don't waste another minute walking down this path. 1
headsashed Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 I dunno if my ex had gigs but its very similar,she came back after a 4 month break up,saying she hated what she had become,regretted what she had been doing and all that,and like an idiot i took her back. It lasted a mere 5 month and she did it again,so be careful,i believed everything she said to me and if im honest the 1st 2 months of our reconcilliation seemed good then after that it was downhill until she eventually cheated on me. She had destroyed my trust and just as it was building back up again she blew it up again. As i said,be careful and the 1st red flag you see then id just get out,i ignored red flags and now im suffering from it. Either way,good luck pal
Charlie25 Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 I am going to go against the flow here and say you might, take her back if she shows genuine regret and will to change. What she did against you was awful, so if you can forgive her and trust her again, you might have a chance to work things out. If not, then cut her loose and never look back. The important thing here is too trust your insticts and your gut. I have witnessed something similar once. Two friends of mine had a good RS, the girl went abroad 6 months as an exchange student, the boy wasn't very happy about it, but she promised nothing would happen to their RS and she would remain faithful. Well, 2 weeks after she left, she became very distant, missed calls and all that. And just a couple of days later, she dumped him over e-mail, and just a few days after that, pictures of her and some handsome buck popped up all over FB. The guy was of course crushed, but he coped and moved on. When she got back though, she begged and pleaded for another chance. That handsome guy turned out to be just a "player", and she realized how stupid and selfish she had acted. He didn't take her back right away, but after a month or so, he caved and took her back. They are still together, and as far as i know, pretty happy.
Samilia Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 I think she finds herself single and wants to go back to familiar territory. I read Charlie's story and I can't help thinking that's the exception, the one story we all want to hear. But again Charlie is right, trust your guts. That's making me reflect...Trust for me is the key component of a relationship, once it's broken, it's be sooo hard to get it back. You would call to tell me you're going to be late tonight, and I would think, here we go again.. that would always be in the back of my mind. Probably why I can't stand this expression I hear from complete strangers "to be honest with ya". Honest? I don't know you, what the hell are you talking about... So maybe she's honest, you know her, after all we don't. But my guts tell me, don't do it.
Charlie25 Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 I think she finds herself single and wants to go back to familiar territory. I read Charlie's story and I can't help thinking that's the exception, the one story we all want to hear. But again Charlie is right, trust your guts. That's making me reflect...Trust for me is the key component of a relationship, once it's broken, it's be sooo hard to get it back. You would call to tell me you're going to be late tonight, and I would think, here we go again.. that would always be in the back of my mind. Probably why I can't stand this expression I hear from complete strangers "to be honest with ya". Honest? I don't know you, what the hell are you talking about... So maybe she's honest, you know her, after all we don't. But my guts tell me, don't do it. I see your point, and i respect it. My philosophy, not only about relationships, but also life. Things are rarley black & white, but rather shades of grey. I also don't like to deal with abstract concepts and emotions as absolutes. Like trust, i don't see it as a positive or negative state, but more of a "currency" . Right now your ex has made a huge currency withdrawal from your "trust account", and depending on her behavior she can fill it up, or drain it completely. In the end, OP has to do what he feels is right. This site is great for advice, but we are just strangers on the internet and can't really comprehend the whole situation 1
Author Life Person Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 Hi again everyone, thanks for all the input. As I said previously, I'm still on my back foot regarding this story, don't think I'm all over in love again and blindly taking her back in. This is causing me some stress lately, it's not an easy decision, but as I expected the reactions are mostly negative, so I feel tempted to play devil's advocate and argue the other side. But don't think that your negative thoughts didn't cross my mind as well, and that I didn't already confront her with them. Plan 9 from OS If you love someone and you see them hurting or if you are being hurt by them, you would say something, right? You wouldn't force them to become like Hercule Poirot in order to discover clues to an unsolved mystery within your own relationship, would you? It's not rational IMO. This is the mistake both of us did when we first fell apart. We just stopped comunicating to each other our feelings, and expected each to just figure out what was wrong or tried to solve them alone. Again, it's a taken, from her side the mistake was much bigger. leoc 1973 I am not going to ramble on about my story but the gist of it was we broke up got back together after 5 months where she realized I was the best man in the universe and she cried and cried till I took her back. 2 years later same thing.. she's gone again (another man again) Nothing to say here. This I feel is a real possibility, not because she has any history of acting like that (other than what happened), but just because it can really happen. leoc 1973 This girl you are speaking of CAN imagine her life without you as well as my ex can. I don't know maybe I have higher expectations of people and women but your ex did not stick around when things got tough and when you needed her most. Regarding this point, I wonder if it's not idealistic to expect the other person to see you in rose tinted glasses for a whole life time, if indeed that's what you ultimately want from a relationship (as I do). Wouldn't any really long term relationship be a true struggle? I'm not trying to justify the running away part though, that is a different thing. Charlie25 What she did against you was awful, so if you can forgive her and trust her again, you might have a chance to work things out. If not, then cut her loose and never look back. The important thing here is too trust your insticts and your gut. That's one of my biggest problems at the moment. I'm not sure I'm capable of correctly say what is my gut feeling. Is it the aprehension I feel many times, or really noticing that she looks normal, back to what she used to be. Right before we broke up, I could pinpoint my gut feeling, I had suspicions (she's not really the type to be cunningly deceptive), and the reason I didn't act on them was part not wanting to be the jealous boyfriend and part spending too much time wallowing on myself - in retrospect, the red flags were pretty obvious. Now I'm not really sure what part of me to trust.
WeAllMightBeNuts Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 For myself, they get one chance with trust. Then they're done. They can need help in all kinds of different areas of their life and I can work with them. Want to play games with trust? Then you're dead to me.
Recommended Posts