Life Person Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 (edited) Hello people of the Second Chances forum, I came to Loveshack a few months ago off the back of my break-up with my girlfriend of 4 years (I was dumped for another person, see original thread here). Things for them went South pretty quickly (see the new thread), and now she's determined that we fight for our relationship. As for me, I'm not yet sure... As you might expect, things are not flowers and birds. I was cheated on and dumped for a friend. I was going well on the road to recovery when she got back to me, so although feelings for have obviously not died, they have taken a big hit. She still is the person I like the most to spend time with, and I know I still love her, but the admiration and trust I had for her both took a huge blow. The loving feelings come and go, sometimes I feel determined to try, others I just want to run away... As a LTR, she was to me more than just a girlfriend, she was the person I wanted to spend my life with and built my dreams around, so I always knew things would eventually turn rough, as life is not a fairytale, but when dirt hits the fan life really is tough. I'm afraid of feeling trapped in the relationship, as I no longer look into a future in rose tinted glasses as I used to. I'm not saying I wanted to forget what happened, in an a new ideal world I wish we could work through this hardship and make the relationship stronger, and as for me, be able to look into her again as my partner, respecting and trusting her again. Thanks for the input! Edited June 30, 2012 by Life Person
Exit Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Things for them went South pretty quickly, and now she's determined that we fight for our relationship. It would be so much more appealing if those two things had happened in the opposite order. If she realized the mistake she made and decided to end the relationship she had with the new guy. But it sounds like their relationship took its course naturally and only afterwards did she start thinking she wants to be with you again. So you're basically just the fall back guy. What if their relationship hadn't taken the turn that it did? What if they were still together? Would she be making this big effort to get back together with you? Doubtful. She can try to sugar coat it by saying she's relieved the breakup happened because she already knew she wanted you back, but don't trust any of that. Focus on the fact that she only seems to be back because her other relationship fell apart. I know what it's like to love someone enough to think you want to get past something like this happening and try again. It didn't work for me. The trust never came back and just led to fighting and another breakup. There will forever be an imbalance. She was always your #1 choice, meanwhile she needed to go try out another guy for a while, and maybe she'll want to again some day. Rather than helping you decide yes or no, I would just say wait for a good while. Let her know that if it really means something to her, she should be able to handle waiting. Tell her she needs to be alone for a while instead of starting to work on things with you right away again. When my ex came back she even asked if I wanted a month or so apart so we could start again fresh but I was too impatient and wanted the situation to be over with so I just took her back right away and it was a disaster. I think your ex can wait a few weeks or a month while you both do some thinking. If the first thought that pops into your mind is "what if I lose her again because I made her wait instead of jumping on my opportunity", well really all that would prove is that she wasn't all that serious about wanting you back anyway, so it wouldn't be a total loss. If she proves how serious she is by patiently waiting and not expecting to immediately win someone back who she crapped all over, then great maybe it's worth a shot. The point is you have the power now, and it's not about playing mind games or making her jump through hoops for no reason, you have a very real reason to want to test her out and make sure you don't get hurt again, and rather than getting back together and then testing things out, you should keep your distance and do the testing first. If both of you handle this right there could be a very real future together ahead of you. If you rush into it you'll be thrilled to back together for a while and then it will end again. Please learn from my horrible mistakes.
Gulf-Delta Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Tread carefully. At this point communication is KEY. You need to tell her your strict demands and what you need if you're gonna trust her and try to work it out. YOU need to lay out clearly what you will and will not accept. If she's truly sorry, she will prove it.
Gulf-Delta Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Are you a backup plan or a man? Probably just a guy.
Stanza Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 I'm really happy for you. I hope that you will get there. Maybe consider counselling if that can help with dealing with the issues that are at hand. I agree with what Gulf Delta put, that it's important you know what you want and also what you don't want with the next steps.
Woggle Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Are you a backup plan or a man? Good question. You are just the back burner guy to her and she will do this again.
Author Life Person Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 Exit It would be so much more appealing if those two things had happened in the opposite order. If she realized the mistake she made and decided to end the relationship she had with the new guy. But it sounds like their relationship took its course naturally and only afterwards did she start thinking she wants to be with you again. Well, I agree and disagree. Yes, it would have been a much prettier story had she dumped the guy to get back to me. She says she felt guilty about screwing up another relationship again so soon (I know it sound like a really lame excuse, we had a fight because of it - however, knowing her I feel she is being honest, however foolish it is). However, during the time we were apart she never really wanted to get away from me, and things for them started to go bad when I went into NC to heal, during which time she constantly fed breadcrumbs to try to get me to talk with her (she was basically wanting to have the cake and eat it too). The only way she managed to get along well with him was in the context of having me as her true emotional support, which she quickly found out after I went NC. Exit If both of you handle this right there could be a very real future together ahead of you. If you rush into it you'll be thrilled to back together for a while and then it will end again. Please learn from my horrible mistakes. The reason I'm again in LS is because this doesn't make me exactly thrilled. This puts me back again in stress and thinking hard, because I know that for us to happen again it would be tough work for both. The reason that I feel tempted to try is that for the majority of the time we were together, things worked beautifully, passion evolving to love and companionship. That was true, and only failed when she started to go bananas some two months before we broke up. They call it GIGS... Stanza Maybe consider counselling if that can help with dealing with the issues that are at hand. I have thought of it some times, however money is not something that abounds for me... I have thought about couples counselling, both to understand how I could trust and give myself to her again, to make her understand love is not a fun game, and for both of us to correct the mistakes in the relationship. Woggle You are just the back burner guy to her and she will do this again. Very possibly true. However, how can I know if I don't try? If it happens, at least this time I know it was not unexpected.
burningashes Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 It sounds like maybe your R has run its natural course with her.. you love her, but aren't in love with her. What happened will always be there at the back of your mind.. you should consider whether that's what you want to live with, if you decide to work out the R with her and get married? I'm also getting the impression that your girl isn't really doing much to validate your concerns. Anyone who loves you would go to hell and back to heaven to show you that you're the one they really want to be with. Yes, even if you told them to take some time to themselves... I really think she should be alone for a while, and that time will also show you what she does during that time. See if she's calling you and inviting you to go do things with her as friends, this would be a great time to get to know her again. You would have a better sense of judgement whether you should (or want to) get back together with her. I would also caution that she may end up going back to her old boyfriend.. she doesn't sound like she's strong enough to be alone, and this may be a sign of weakness on her part (I think everyone does!). Don't just listen to her words, but also look at her actions, what is she doing to show you that she really loves you? You also need to tell her what you need from her to make it work. Is it trust? Is it that you need to feel loved again? Does she need to talk to you often? This is so she knows what your expectations are, and she will meet it if she really wants to make it work, if she really loves you. Good luck..
Stanza Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Life Person, you do seem very in control of what you're 'seeing' in all of this - you see the pros and cons and you seem to be handling it all very maturely. So I don't really 'feel' concerned for you. I think it's good you came on here so that maybe we can help a bit along the way if you start to wonder on your perspective. For me, with what you've written so far, your perspective is good and you seem to be aware of wanting to try and give it a chance but of the potential other outcome if she hasn't moved along to where you are. I think sometimes with these cases, we move along better after the BU because we go and educate ourselves and learn and the other partner, because they did the rebound thing, did not.
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