How do you vent in a relationship?

[ScienceGal]

I am very lucky to have a close friend that I can tell anything to. We have been there for each other for years now and when I need to vent or cry or anything, she is who I turn to. And, she turns to me. I realize that not everyone has this kind of person in their life though, and I am trying to understand this situation by keeping this point in mind.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 months. The past 5 weeks have been truly wonderful. I've spent time with his family and we've planned a lot of things to do together over the next few months. But, 5 weeks ago we were having a disagreement that we talked through. It's since been resolved and things have been better than ever since then. I've felt increased stability in the relationship and optimism for the long-term potential.

 

Around the time of the disagreement though, he had a brief discussion with a woman he dated last year. She is seeing someone and referenced getting engaged. When she asked about how he was doing, specifically how our relationship was going, he said "I am seeing someone. Not marriageable though. She is 30 and has never been married, no kids, so it's good for dating". (Picture my jaw dropping because it literally did). My boyfriend is 28, so not that far off from 30! He was responding to her engagement, so I understand why he reference marriage, but still, the response was, IMO, horrible. The message is so brief and specific that it made my face go numb.

 

His defense is that he was drunk, doesn't remember saying it and didn't mean it. He admits that he doesn't know if we'll get married, and I agreed given that it's been only a few months, but there is a huge difference between being in a new relationship and not knowing yet, and definitively stating "not marriageable". He said he thought I was going to leave him and was at a low point. But, he decided to deal with the problem we were going through and change for the better because he wants the relationship to work. He claims he reached out to her because he doesn't have anyone close to talk to about these things. He said he often reaches out to whoever is there to listen. I said that it doesn't seem like he was looking for advice, rather just to let her know there is no long term potential in his current relationship. I told him I think he has this unhealthy need for everyone to like him and to feel wanted/cared about. Reaching out to a previous lover, or even a distant friend, isn't healthy. He has one male friend that discusses relationship with him, so I recommended opening up to him when he needs to talk.

 

I say a lot of things to my close friend, maybe things I don't mean later on. I could imagine myself being upset and saying "I doubt this relationship is even going to work out". But, she is my close friend, not an ex or a random person. There will be more stresses and low-points, and I am not ok with his current method of venting, it's totally inappropriate. But I'm not sure what other advice to give him. He agrees that what he said and who he said it to was wrong, but can't promise he won't reach out to someone in the future if he needs to talk.

[ThingsAreComplicated]

You always have to filter, even if your friend is as close to you as a friend can get. Talking about intimate details of your relationship (vent?) is a no-go for me. An ex of mine did exactly this, when I found out about it we were done within a few minutes. All the trust I had was killed almost instantly and I felt somehow betrayed. Luckily that was short before graduating so I moved anyway and was able to leave the **** behind.

 

And I know it was not your question but: if I were you I would not trust this person anymore and definitely wouldn't consider HIM "marriage material". No need to rush out of the relationship if everything else is going well but don't assume it will be the LTR you want (?).

[luvinthesun]

Wow. Rude thing to say.

[ScienceGal]

ThingsAreComplicated, Thanks for the response.

 

I understand how sharing things with a friend can be a sensitive situation, but I'm not sure about the type of information your ex shared. I don't share anything personal about him (e.g. if he has confided something in me), but I do talk about my thoughts regarding our relationship. I really think it depends on the friendship and level of maturity. Probably the biggest thing with my friend is that at the end of the day she respects my decision and would never treat my boyfriend poorly based upon anything I've said. She is dating someone that I roll my eyes about, but it's her choice, so I give advice and then support her 100%. I also realize I don't have the full picture, just her side of things.

 

I just think everyone has the right to talk and express themselves somehow, whether it be to a friend, in therapy, or an online forum.

[utterer of lies]

"I am seeing someone. Not marriageable though. She is 30 and has never been married, no kids, so it's good for dating"

 

You better start accepting that it's the truth, it's how he really feels about you.

 

Or you could pretend people just say something like this for no reason, and that everything ok.

 

But really - it's not.

 

If that's not enough for you (and it shouldn't be), you better take steps to protect yourself and break it off.

 

His idea of you won't change. I know because, at times, I've been that guy.

[burningashes]

I have to agree with the other posters. Be on guard- if he said that, sorry to say but that's what he thinks. To him, you're great for dating but not marriage material. If you are looking for a LTR that will lead to marriage, it won't happen with this man simply because he doesn't think he'll marry you. Or want to, for that matter.

 

You now have the choice whether to stick it out until the relationship ends or get out now. He likely isn't going to change his mind.

[veggirl]

Wow, I wouldn't vent about that comment, I would break up with him. Esp that early on. "Marriage isn't on the table yet of course!" or something like that would be appropriate but what he said is really hurtful and mean. And a drunk mind speaks a sober heart, don't they say?

 

Anyway, I don't have much I ever need to vent about re: my boyfriend and our relationship. Small annoyances (like, "he snores so much!") I may talk about with my sister or best friend but in general problems need to be dealt with inside of the relationship without the input of 3rd parties who are not neutral imo. I don't really have any issues with my bf that would warrant venting or give me the desire to do so

[ScienceGal]

You better start accepting that it's the truth, it's how he really feels about you.

 

Or you could pretend people just say something like this for no reason, and that everything ok.

 

But really - it's not.

 

If that's not enough for you (and it shouldn't be), you better take steps to protect yourself and break it off.

 

His idea of you won't change. I know because, at times, I've been that guy.

 

Were you dishonest with the woman about your true feelings?

 

Your post makes sense, and I am not blind to the fact that he could truly feel that way. I am just trying to take the information that I have and figure out why he would be with me, and act the way he does, if he doesn't see long term potential.

 

We spend just about every day together. Our relationship is not based solely upon sex. He does many nice things for me without me asking. He took me for dinner at his parents and was thrilled that they "love me". He leaves his phone around me, he has his social media account password saved on my computer (not hiding anything). I just don't see the red flags that would normally be there. He has plenty of opportunity to date and have one night stands, or short flings, if that's what he wanted.

 

I'm definitely taken aback by this and am not assuming everything is "ok". I just haven't fully processed it yet.

[ScienceGal]

I have to agree with the other posters. Be on guard- if he said that, sorry to say but that's what he thinks.

.

 

And a drunk mind speaks a sober heart, don't they say?

 

His voice was trembling and it sounded like he started crying when we were talking about this. He insists at the time of the comment he thought I was going to leave him and he saw little hope that we could see eye to eye on the issue we were going though. But, we did and things have been great. Literally, better than any relationship I've had in years.

 

Do you think he is lying when he says he wants a long term relationship with me? Ugh. His statement was crystal clear yet he swears that's not what he meant. I just feel kind of numb right now. Is the great connection that we have just superficial? I didn't think so before

[utterer of lies]

Were you dishonest with the woman about your true feelings?

 

No.

 

Well... I never spelled it out like that, and she never asked. I guess we both knew why. So maybe it was a lie of omission. But I never told her anything that wasn't true, or promised her more that I was willing to give.

 

Your post makes sense, and I am not blind to the fact that he could truly feel that way. I am just trying to take the information that I have and figure out why he would be with me, and act the way he does, if he doesn't see long term potential.

 

Obviously you still are better than the alternatives he has right now, even if you aren't meant 'forever'.

 

We spend just about every day together. Our relationship is not based solely upon sex. He does many nice things for me without me asking. He took me for dinner at his parents and was thrilled that they "love me". He leaves his phone around me, he has his social media account password saved on my computer (not hiding anything). I just don't see the red flags that would normally be there. He has plenty of opportunity to date and have one night stands, or short flings, if that's what he wanted.

 

I'm definitely taken aback by this and am not assuming everything is "ok". I just haven't fully processed it yet.

 

I did that too, presents, spending time with her, all the bf stuff. Just because I feel that someone is not marriage material does not mean I should treat her worse. But it doesn't change the basic fact.

[ScienceGal]

No.

 

Well... I never spelled it out like that, and she never asked. I guess we both knew why. So maybe it was a lie of omission. But I never told her anything that wasn't true, or promised her more that I was willing to give.

 

Obviously you still are better than the alternatives he has right now, even if you aren't meant 'forever'.

 

I did that too, presents, spending time with her, all the bf stuff. Just because I feel that someone is not marriage material does not mean I should treat her worse. But it doesn't change the basic fact.

 

This scenario I had not considered How long were you together?

[Ninjainpajamas]

Rude is a overwhelming understatement...it's more like a steak through the heart...I'm surprised you found out about it, most men cover those types of things up religiously.

 

The fact that you are even considering whether he meant that or not shows the depth of denial that you are in, It's saddening to see this type of situation where one persons intentions and goals are far greater than the emotional capacity their partner has for them.

 

Men don't say things they don't mean when they are drunk...I've never experienced men telling lies when drunk, only when sober or mildly intoxicated to the point where they still know better. It's called "uninhibited" for a reason, because you do and say the things you want to do or say out of reaction but your brain isn't in that mode enough to keep yourself in check...but that's the extent of it, sometimes it's very emotional and over the top but it's still an exacerbation of how you really feel inside....most of these things people can't say to others faces and have to tuck them deep inside, that's why some people like to drink in fact, to cope and deal with the emotions of life, it makes it an easier burden to bear, they can get lost, forget for a moment, live uninhibited for a change.

 

Anyway I won't get lost into this conversation in that as I'm sure that would be disputed.

 

Logically I can't understand what you are waiting for and doing...I mean what do you think is going to happen? just magically things are going to improve to the point as marriage material...is this how you think or know men to work? do you expect us to change or develop emotions for you that we would did not otherwise had the day before?

 

Emotionally I can understand that you are hoping for a miracle in a way, some resounding breakthrough that makes all the bad things ok. A gesture, a sign, whether it's observing the small things or making big things out of little things and placing far more value on them than you would otherwise do. Gestures like meeting the parents must surely mean he takes you seriously, after all why would he do that right?

 

He would do that because you are his GF, and his cares about...maybe even to a degree loves, but at the end of the day when mom, dad, cousin, friends, ex-gf asks where this relationship is going...he's going to give a confused or mixed answer at best..."I'm not sure right now, we'll see how things go", and maybe even be completely to some behind your back "I like her, I enjoy spending time with her and her company...but I just don't feel like the emotions are there for the long-term unless somehow I change, it changes"...but that's really only a delay of the inevitable, eventually he'll have to face how he really feels, because when push comes to shove and he's actually obligated to make a decision a man who isn't sure isn't going to make that permanent move unless he over time dwindles in resistance and settles into thinking that this is it, this is his life, love and relationship...that's as good as it gets for me kinda thing.

 

I've seen plenty of women egg their SO into marriage or commitments with this kind of long-term and consistent pressure and then they foolishly think they somehow won, only to find themselves in a relationship they are unhappy with and still fighting to hold it from falling apart.

 

When a man wants to be with you, there's no fight necessary, there's no encouragement, coaxing, bond building, trust building, etc...he's already decided in his heart that this is what he really wants....and that's what matters at the end of the day...all that other relationship stuff are things that are built a man who wants to be with you, because a man who wants to be with you for the long-term...especially marriage, has already accepted the good with the bad and your faults, he doesn't look at the relationship through a negative glass or have his hang on the ejection button just in case this plane starts crashing towards earth...and that's what women don't time and time again don't get, they keep trying to force a round peg into a square hole...you're wasting each others time, you're wasting your own time, and one day you might think back and ask yourself why you did it.

 

Because what you see now is glazed over in your emotions, but you're too afraid to be honest with yourself. Too afraid to move on and try again, too afraid to be alone and worried If you'll find someone else close to or even better than him...that's a helluva way to live life If you ask me. Yet there are too many who are more than willing to do it.

[ScienceGal]

At 4 months, I don't know if he's the one I'll marry. I told him that and it's true. I don't think any offense should be taken on either side for not knowing yet. And I was ok with this uncertainty, I was having fun like anyone should in a new relationship. I was happy before I read his words.

 

Despite his multiple attempts to convince me he did not mean it that way, I'm still holding tightly to the exact words he said. He didn't say he didn't know, he was clear that he did know. It is a stake through the heart and I am not sure I will be able to recover from it. I've felt weird all day and sort of a dull throbbing heartache. I'm not devastated, but deeply disappointed. We spent yesterday together and it was great, but different. He hurt me. It's sad because he is genuinely a good guy.

 

He just sent me this message: "I just want you to know that I am very happy to be with you. I am sorry if you think I am not committed to us working out, but I really am. I don't like the idea of not having you in my life. I don't ever want to feel like I will never wake up next to you again. I really love us together".

[xxoo]

How to vent progressed with the establishment of "couplehood". When dating, I would talk through issues with a friend if needed. As an established couple, we keep things between us. If we really needed outside help, we'd get counseling.

 

My mom told me, early on, not to share our "dirty laundry" with friends and family, because they will remember those little arguments and incidents after we've forgotten them. I took that to heart.

 

As for your current issue, I'd have a very difficult time letting that go. The hurt will fade with time if he proves to be serious about the relationship. But you'll be second guessing things you otherwise wouldn't even notice because of that huge misstep on his part. He's dug himself a hole. I'd give him a chance to climb his way out, but I wouldn't throw too much rope.

Edited July 3, 2012 by xxoo