4givrnt4gtr Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 So uhh im having issues...clearly. Ive been dating this guy for about two months now...he is hot, smart all that. I was super excited the first month, and so was he. He constantly kept saying that he was falling in love with me, all that jazz.... Finally a few weeks ago he told me he loved me...awesome. And then for some reason that sent in into a tail spin....lets just say, I guess nitpicking...but Ive tried to keep it in check.. But then..well I guess, in my previous relationship I was used to having a boyfriend who would contact me more than once a day, who paid attention to me, who basically treated me like a queen. (and then started using drugs, so I had to end it as he refused to quit) So..in this relationship...basically our first "argument" of sorts was because i felt like he could care less whether he heard from me or not...in fact he contacted me once a day and that would be about midnight..before he went to sleep, barely talking. In fact, he totally missed talking to me for two days...no reason...just...blah. So I brought it up to him, that it kinda made me feel insecured, as I didnt know if it meant he was losing interest. He told me not to worry, that he loved me, but that he had noticed I had fallen in love with him harder and faster than he with me.... Wait what? This from the guy who had been asking over and over if I was falling for him? telling me to let go and fall in love? that he was in love etc??? WTH?! So he continued telling me that he needed time to catch up, but that him not contacting me had nothing to do with whether he loved me or not...he loved me, and I could be sure of it. Uh....catch up??? So I told him I wasn't up to sit around waiting for him to "catch" up. Specially after him pestering me about allowing myself to fall in love with him. That basically...I was not about to allow myself to be in an uneven relationship. And that...well...it wasn't gonna work. So that got him to drive his butt to my house, telling me he loved me, that he wanted to be with me, that just because I was more in love with him than he with me didnt mean he wasn't gonna love me as much once he got to know me better, that he didnt want to lose me etc...(all this crying, which completely took me aback, as I wasn't nearly close to crying...to me, this wasn't gonna work, and that was that...next!) So then I thought..hm...ok, seems to me that he got it all mixed up...here I am, more than ready and willing to let go of an unbalanced relationship...and he, the one "not so in love", is crying to me so I dont leave....uh...ok... We got thru that, we agreed to give each other time...awesome. A few days later he came over unexpectedly and brought me a rose and cookies. i had lots of work to do and things to turn in the next day but was so happy to see him that decided I would put it off and figure it out the next day. Ofcourse, the next day I had little sleep, no work ready to turn in, but to me, totally worth it...cuz we had a great night. So, Fast forward to today. He texts me in the morning telling me he has a sore throat and was taking a day off from work. So, ok I chat with him a bit during the day and then tell him I would come over at night and bring dinner. So I did. I got him dinner, medicine all that jazz. He was happy and very grateful. We ate, watch a movie and you know it was lovely...a normal evening...After the movie, I thought ok, we'll just go to sleep early since he is feeling sick (as so far whenever we see each other we spend the night). And then he says "so uh...how long were you planning on staying?" I looked at him, fought back tears and grabbed my bag. I felt stupid, I felt quite frankly, embarrassed, thinking he wanted me over...assuming he wanted me to stay. And then I felt angry...what the hell!!! Is he really asking me to leave after I came over to take care of him? I just left in a fume but he caught up to me in the elevator asking me if I was upset (uhhh DUH GENIUS) So he brought me back in, and we talked about it, said he didnt mean to hurt my feeling and just wanted to know what my plans were. I told him that I knew what the question meant, that I wasnt born yesterday and that I felt hurt that he wanted me to go. That I guess I tried to make sense of him the way I would be, and even if i were sick, i would still want him to stay with me...that in fact, him coming over unexpectedly was less than ideal, but I still didnt ask him to leave, because I loved him and wanted him there. For some reason he started crying again...saying he felt like I am always trying to get out of the relationship. That he didnt meant to hurt me, and he would be more than willing to sacrifice what he needed (I guess space, since he was feeling sick) to make me feel better. But I dont know.. I feel like running away (even though I promise him I wouldn't), like...ughh I dont want to deal with a clearly unbalance relationship... I dont know what to do about this....am I being irrational? am I being too picky? should I try to be more understanding? flexible? I hate to be in the position of "loving more" than the other person. I truly hate it, and I also know, from experience, it doesn't work out well.... Thoughts?
TaraMaiden Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 You guys have one major problem. you have no idea how to communicate effectively. 1
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 Could you elaborate? How do you suggest i communicate better? I like this guy and I want it to work...but Im petrified of being on the losing end
ThingsAreComplicated Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 You guys have one major problem. you have no idea how to communicate effectively. so true...
TaraMaiden Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 No two people in a relationship love to the same degree, its immeasurable, you need to get this, and not hold it against him. his question on how long you were staying as opposed to what are your plans, show an inability to express a thought pattern effectively. some guys are not good at self expression. some women read too much between the lines. That's what I mean.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 (edited) I think you're fine....you're reacting normally to his behavior and words, they are offensive and ever so "confusing", I don't blame you because you're being way more communicative and balanced mentally than this guy is. He's expecting a grand emotional reaction from you, luckily you're wiser than that or something is helping you out from diving head first, maybe experience...not sure. Imo I'm going to have to say this guy is kind of a dumb tool. He seems pretty clueless, and he acts out in immature and over the top ways, I'm not sure If he's completely stupid or just trying to play a game with you, but I think it's both. If he's as smart (I definitely don't see it, at least with women) and hot then I'm sure that's carried him pretty far with women in life and he's really never had to learn how to handle other facets of relationships and life, including communication...If this guys such a catch wouldn't he have likely been in a relationship or were you just lucky?...most women probably fall for him without him having to lift a finger, I mean a lot of women do that anyways on a regular basis so I can see women really extending themselves for this guy to make it work, especially IF he comes off smart somehow, since that's the supposed secret combination most are looking for (male or female). This isn't going well though, I think he's insecure actually and since you're not head over heels for him yet which he anticipated and assumed you'd be just like every other girl and he'd feel in control...you exploit that loophole by pushing away and basically calling BS on that...something other women likely don't do, so he goes into panic mode professing his undying love (don't buy it, guy sounds stupid...I'm sorry he just does) and acting in an over the top way. I think he wants you to be in love with him, so he feels confident and in control and has the power in the relationship...and his gestures aren't adding up because If they were he wouldn't be all about this slowing down business so that means those acts are not as sincere or deep as you think they are, that's how he wants you to receive them though...and nobody probably has spoken out or reacted the way you have so it's throwing him for a loop. But I don't think this guy is either genuine or sincere, he does the cliche things to try and blow you away and I think that's what this guy wants..the satisfaction of swooning you and eating out of the palm of his hand. I don't trust this guys actions from a mans point of view at all...although I don't have enough information to really hone in on this guys deal, I definitely do not trust him...he's trying to pull you in, this isn't genuine and mutual, he's trying to get you under his thumb. He already backed away when he felt like you were so in love with him, he asked that because of ego not because of emotion...he's going to back pedal on you again If you were to just fall for it and dive in thinking you can trust him, he's completely unreliable and hasn't shown consistency, which is always a red flag. You'll probably continue on anyway so If do, drill him and ask him the tough questions, figure out where he's at emotionally and find out about his past...you seem to be smarter than this guy by a great deal, you should be able to crack this egg if you really wanted to and find out what this guy is really up to and where is emotionally availability truly other, other than this shotgun wedding type rollercoaster he's trying to get you on and in great part assisted by his looks. Edited June 30, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas 2
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 No two people in a relationship love to the same degree, its immeasurable, you need to get this, and not hold it against him. Ok...my mom said something similar...however, for some reason I feel like the way he said that was condescending, like...he felt sorry for me, like I am basically a charity case (something ive felt often with him for some reason). We actually talked about this before, that sometimes his tone and what he says makes me feel like he is doing me a favor. I honestly dont know why I feel this...in fact he said that he often feels that I feel he is better than me given that I say I feel lucky to have met him. his question on how long you were staying as opposed to what are your plans, show an inability to express a thought pattern effectively. He actually admitted later that he wanted me to leave but didn't know how to say it. I told him to tell me straight out, even before I came over that he wanted to spend the night alone, and that thats his preference when he feels sick. So i guess you are right... some women read too much between the lines. This is what Im trying to figure out.....and I wonder why am I doing this with him...is it his behavior? is it my own insecurities given how much I like him? I guess in a way the fact that he isn't behaving exactly how I think someone in love behaves is throwing me off...and making me feel insecured despite his reassurance....worst of all....I wonder if Im gonna push him away by doing all this.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 If he's as smart (I definitely don't see it, at least with women) and hot then I'm sure that's carried him pretty far with women in life and he's really never had to learn how to handle other facets of relationships and life, including communication... Funny you should say that...he has only had one relationship aside from this one...when he was a teenager/early 20s, and it was long distance. The girl pursued him I supposed...and then cheated on him repeatedly. Aside from that, he has never dated anyone else. I actually wondered why...given that he is good looking, smart and interesting....perhaps this is why. I think he's insecure actually and since you're not head over heels for him yet which he anticipated and assumed you'd be just like every other girl and he'd feel in control...you exploit that loophole by pushing away and basically calling BS on that...something other women likely don't do, so he goes into panic mode professing his undying love (don't buy it, guy sounds stupid...I'm sorry he just does) and acting in an over the top way. Well, though I am kind 99.9% sure he is insecured, I also know he knows I care about him a great deal (though caring and loving someone has never stopped me before from leaving a sh*tty relationship). Also, the whole flower/cookies is not out of character. He's been doing that from the get go....and actually he showing up unexpectedly, well thats basically something we both have been doing. I love it, and as far as I know so does he....but now after tonight I really dont think Ill be doing that anymore. drill him and ask him the tough questions, figure out where he's at emotionally and find out about his past... What type of questions do you suggest? Its odd because from the get go, he has been all about how much he wants a relationship with me, a long future with me, already told his entire family about me, and his mom even sent me a message. Oh and yes I am supposed to meet them in the next couple of weeks. So...I guess on that side, he seems like he wants something serious. On the other hand, I wonder if his lack of experience is making a mess out of this....that and my own insecurities...I dont know....
ThingsAreComplicated Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 one of the rare cases where I do not agree with Ninjainpajamas analysis: "I don't blame you because you're being way more communicative and balanced mentally than this guy is. He's expecting a grand emotional reaction from you, luckily you're wiser than that or something is helping you out from diving head first, maybe experience...not sure." Based on the available information the OP completely fell for this guy and even proposes herself that she might be insecure which is the case. "but to me, totally worth it...cuz we had a great night. " this is what this relationship is obviously all about and this motive is as old as it gets Now even more bad news: only a FRACTION of relationships develop symmetrical on an emotional level, be it from the start or after years. Most relationships are one-sided and the only glue is sex.
TaraMaiden Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Ok...my mom said something similar...however, for some reason I feel like the way he said that was condescending, like...he felt sorry for me, like I am basically a charity case (something ive felt often with him for some reason). We actually talked about this before, that sometimes his tone and what he says makes me feel like he is doing me a favor. I honestly dont know why I feel this...in fact he said that he often feels that I feel he is better than me given that I say I feel lucky to have met him. He actually admitted later that he wanted me to leave but didn't know how to say it. I told him to tell me straight out, even before I came over that he wanted to spend the night alone, and that thats his preference when he feels sick. So i guess you are right... This is what Im trying to figure out.....and I wonder why am I doing this with him...is it his behavior? is it my own insecurities given how much I like him? I guess in a way the fact that he isn't behaving exactly how I think someone in love behaves is throwing me off...and making me feel insecured despite his reassurance....worst of all....I wonder if Im gonna push him away by doing all this. Like I said. Very poor communication. This is going very much on impressions and walking on eggshells. you guys need a heart to heart on how to talk to one another effectively without the other jumping to conclusions, adding 2+ 2 to make 7 and "wondering what s/he means by...." Sometimes, pass the salt means exactly that. Not, "you're a lousy cook because it's patently obvious you know nothing about how to season food properly!.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Let me make a few points clear here since I feel others are way oversimplifying this situation, there's plenty to read into here. - He made this intense progress with her, he kept saying how he was falling in her, then finally telling (as if it wasn't obvious he would say it or wasn't saying it already in so many words) her that he does love her. She is obviously on this ride, he's hot, smart and interesting so how many women aren't going to be smitten based on that? He makes all this nice/caring/romantic type gestures (which I suspected was from the beginning and never felt he just turned up the heat, this guy has it on up all the way...he's definitely trying here to crank it up) yet..oh...all of a sudden she is into him more than her he says, even though he's been constantly checking the progress of her emotions...so now he says he needs space to catch. Really people? I mean really...how do you overlook such a HUGE flag here? how do you just say...oh oh, It's just "communication"...no ***** there needs to be communication, where do you ever say communication isn't needed? but what about that alone...what do you think that says or means hmm? It's a huge mistake to overlook this, in fact this is key deciding factor here of what I base a lot of my opinion on...consistency really really matters with men. - But oh, now she tries to pull away and he acts defensively and insecurely to pull her back again....What does that tell you right there? when an action creates a reaction, is that a healthy reaction to you? and now we knows he's been cheated on repeatedly by his ex, and his only ex which explains his inexperience, trust issues and communication problems. Hmmm I wonder why he's acting like this...hmmm I wonder If it has anything to do with his past, I wonder If he's replacing this situation and reliving a moment in the past....hmmm I wonder If there's emotions that he's still got for the ex that cut him...maybe this is why he pulled off, maybe this is why he so intensely got into this situation and rode the fast lane...he couldn't be possibly be trying to remake a past failed relationship with someone new right? hmmm..can we say for certain he doesn't see his ex in her? Like I mentioned before, I couldn't hone in on this guys intent because his actions didn't make complete sense...he was acting typical playing the field type of guy to a degree...turning up the heat then turning on the cold shower which is typical (because he would need to step off the gas at some point) or was he simply suffering some emotional/mental disorder or some other personal issue..the question was, what was keeping him out of relationships otherwise IF he's hot and smart and all that?...was he just stringing women along? however it doesn't explain his extreme emotional over-the-top state because that is not typical of a guy playing the field trying to swoon a woman...because he doesn't need to take it that far. It was a red flag however and indicates a big problem, because this is not a typical combination. Let's put it this way though...regardless of intent, his extremely strong and intense pressure was a sign of something besides just emotions...when something starts off strong and intense that can come from a man with personal issues...issues that cause them to react in that way based off te past, and that's something you got to watch out for...people with addictions typically act out in this way as well, people with BPD are text book fireworks in the beginning then it goes downhill real fast..so because of the emotional outbreak which seemed all of a sudden...it wasn't consistent, and that's a red flag...that's the point I was making. And this is why I suggest she be careful and find out more about this guy to figure out if this is really coming out of love (which would be great) or is this a reflection of a personal issue/past relationship that is driving him so intensely head first into this situation which is common for something coming out of a bad past relationship as they're just looking for everything to go right and fix all the wrongs in the past, they become almost desperate like in that endeavor but they're still attached to their past. Could this be a rebound relationship? Hopefully this is making more sense with where the direction I was taking it and why I made my analysis, now for the hard part, the questions. I hope you would not act insecurely about this relationship at this point or whatever it is, because I think you'll need to be the anchor and level-headed person in this situation. 1) Why did he pull away? why after everything going so well did he try to gain space? was it just too much for him? did he feel like he was committing and investing too much? Is he scared? What were his thoughts and emotions during that time. Why would anyone do all of those things he did out of genuine emotion then suddenly just stop? 2) Why did he not want you to spend the night that day you come over to visit him when he was sick? did he just want time alone? does he feel like this is too clingy and close of a situation? does he just need more personal time and space? You guys are only in the second month, little early to be putting on the breaks especially If he was all about long-term commitment and a relationship...or do you disagree? 3) Why did he react so emotionally when you threatened to leave? When was your last relationship with your ex? when did it really finish and when did you stop having emotions for her or what do you feel for her now? 4) Have you had time to think through your emotions and decisions? Are you confident in the way you truly feel or did you just get caught up in the moment? You want to find out his real emotional availability...I knows this seems like a lot of work and being nit-picky but IF you want to save yourself the trouble of being blind-sided by a man you thought was in love with you and you him and everything was going great only to have the brakes stepped on you again you should make sure before you continue to invest in this relationship that his interest and emotions are true, sincere and genuine...and you do this not by how many roses he buys you, or teddy bears, or sandwiches or starbucks he brings you or this or that....that is all good and great, but there is nothing more important than how a man feels and what he truly wants, everything else can be replaced and erased like it never happened. I really really don't trust this guy as is, not because he's necessarily lying or trying to deceive you...but because he seems like the type of guy that isn't really reliable enough in himself to make a realistic evaluation of how he feels...he seems to be inexperienced (which I picked up as a tool/stupid because he seemed to play aloof), in over his head and has a reason to be an emotional gunner based on his past experience...which you might think is fine when he's treating you well and lovingly, but what happens when he wakes up one day and realizes he's still in love with his ex and not you? It is in my opinion that If he was true in everything he was doing and saying, there wouldn't have been any hiccups, he would have progressed along just fine, building these emotions, his actions matching up with his intents...wanting to spend time and be smothered by you, and wanting to spend every free moment he has with you...It's only been two months! If others have different expectations of love and emotions especially if they claim to be that real and high then I don't really see why he'd back away and not wanted to spend the night with you when you came over...and then to cry like a baby when you try and leave...that just doesn't add up right to me...that's just how I see it. 1
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 Hmmm I wonder why he's acting like this...hmmm I wonder If it has anything to do with his past, I wonder If he's replacing this situation and reliving a moment in the past....hmmm I wonder If there's emotions that he's still got for the ex that cut him...maybe this is why he pulled off, maybe this is why he so intensely got into this situation and rode the fast lane...he couldn't be possibly be trying to remake a past failed relationship with someone new right? hmmm..can we say for certain he doesn't see his ex in her? Ive wondered about this too...I dont think he has any feelings for his ex. As I said, this relationship ended 6 years ago, and though she did cheat at some point in the relationship (he said only once, but honestly I got the feeling that it was more than that), they did not break up because of it. They stayed together for two years and broke up because of distance. They are still friends but never see each other, as she lives in the other side of the country. But I have questioned this relationship and whether the reason why he was single for 6 years was because of it. He denied it. Though he did say that when he moved to this side of the country, the girl said that she missed him and wanted him back. He said that at that point all she had to do was move here but since she didnt the relationship completely ended. ...turning up the heat then turning on the cold shower which is typical (because he would need to step off the gas at some point) or was he simply suffering some emotional/mental disorder or some other personal issue..the question was, what was keeping him out of relationships otherwise IF he's hot and smart and all that?...was he just stringing women along? however it doesn't explain his extreme emotional over-the-top state because that is not typical of a guy playing the field trying to swoon a woman...because he doesn't need to take it that far. It was a red flag however and indicates a big problem, because this is not a typical combination. Hm..well first, I think Im a little confused about the hot/cold. I dont think ive experienced him as cold completely...its actually more like a confusing thing where he tells me he adores me, he acts like it, and the next second he says something that doesnt add up to what he had just told me. For instance, last night, he was super loving, hugging me ,kissing me, telling me what an amazing woman I am, that he was so lucky to be with me etc. All that while we watched the movie...then we walked to his bedroom and the first thing he asks is when I was planning to go home. Thats why all this is so confusing. And I dont know whether its partially because he is socially awkward (actually this is the reason why he had not dated for a long time). He isn't what I think you think he is, a hot, big shot, suave dude. Not by any means. He is actually a dorky, gamer, type of person. Has always had a hard time talking to girls (reason why the one and only girlfriend he had was because she chased him), therefore he resorted to online dating (where we met). So you see, he isn't your typical douche... Hopefully this is making more sense with where the direction I was taking it and why I made my analysis, now for the hard part, the questions. I hope you would not act insecurely about this relationship at this point or whatever it is, because I think you'll need to be the anchor and level-headed person in this situation. You know what the funny thing about it is? I know he has issues...its clear as day to me, but to him, I am the one that has issues, and said that he is more than happy to be my rock 1) Why did he pull away? why after everything going so well did he try to gain space? was it just too much for him? did he feel like he was committing and investing too much? Is he scared? What were his thoughts and emotions during that time. Why would anyone do all of those things he did out of genuine emotion then suddenly just stop? I asked him this yesterday, and he said that he DOESNT want space, that he isn't pulling away and that he think Im the one that wants out of the relationship, not him. That I say Im afraid he will leave while in his experience I am the one taking all the steps to back out of the relationship. He says that he is fully 100% committed and has never had any doubts about me being the woman he choose to be with. He then proceeded to ask me if I was sure I had chosen him. Also, as I said, he hasn't really stopped doing anything really, the whole communication thing (him talking to me just once a day) has always been the case until i brought it up and now he is communicating more often which I appreciate. The whole, me not staying...well that one was the one that threw me off again, but again he said it was because he felt sick and wanted time to recover. 2) Why did he not want you to spend the night that day you come over to visit him when he was sick? did he just want time alone? does he feel like this is too clingy and close of a situation? does he just need more personal time and space? He said that when he felt he should spend the night alone to fully recover. I wonder if he thought that me spending the night meant having sex. I dont know. I had not planned on that. I just wanted to be close to him...but apparently that doesn't work for him when he is sick. We actually talked about the issue that if im sick I want him there. He said he would make a note of that. I dont know...are people like that? When they are sick do they normally want to be left alone?? 3) Why did he react so emotionally when you threatened to leave? When was your last relationship with your ex? when did it really finish and when did you stop having emotions for her or what do you feel for her now? When he became emotional I asked him why he was crying. He said because he cared and he empathize with me feeling hurt. After a while he said that because he didnt want to lose me. In regards to the ex, it ended 6 years ago. He says that all he feels now for her is friendship and he thinks she will always be in his life as an acquaintance. I dont know though...I do know that when we became official bf/gf. he talked to her and told her that since they both were in relationship it may not be as awkward anymore to be friends. He said she told him she was happy for him and she wanted to best for him. I was a little annoyed by the fact that he had to talk to her and all that but he assured me he feels nothing more than friendship for her. 4) Have you had time to think through your emotions and decisions? Are you confident in the way you truly feel or did you just get caught up in the moment? I asked this last night before I left. He said that he was 100% sure he wanted me, that he didnt think he could find someone as amazing as me again for a long time and didnt want to lose me. SO in short...he is saying the right things, i think...and for the most part doing them as well. Its just those weird, out of the blue things that are throwing me off... . ...wanting to spend time and be smothered by you, and wanting to spend every free moment he has with you...It's only been two months! I totally agree!!! Thats how I thought these things went! At the beginning you are totally infatuated, wanting to spend as much time together as possible...and though he says that is the case, that he wants to be with me as much as he can, it just doesn't feel like thats the case (good example was yesterday). I keep telling him that I dont think he likes me as much as he says he does, or as much as I want him to. He denies it and says im just afraid he may hurt me, but he promises he will do everything he can not to. Part of it too, that I totally dislike is that it seems he is doing things to make me happy, but not because he feels like it makes him happy too. Like...i dont know this is so odd.... Specially because he keeps denying it...it makes me feel like Im reacting our of my own insecurities and past relationships (actually he does bring up memories of a bad relationship i had). I dont know...
Quest4_TheLost Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I wanted to say that I completley agree with ninja on this huge red flag.. He is trying to hook YOU! He wants you hooked on him! Its more then obvious! I think you need to slow things down in that "love" area. He will actually start fooling you to think you are in love with all this hot air and extra things he does. Those are great and all. But why don't you take a look at the big picture. The big picture of a relationship is about this balance you spoke of earlier. You don't feel he is giving you what you need in a relationship! I think this right here is pretty simple. If your not getting what you want and can't talk to him and get it fixed you will never be happy with this person. Sure ppl don't love at the same degree especially in the beginning. But this isn't about how much he loves you. This is about you getting what you want from the relationship aswell.. As for the communication you have expressed to him what you want and how you feel about whats going on. In return he gives you the "well I think your the one thats pulling away.." Sounds like a cop out. If he can make you feel bad about how you feel. Perhaps you won't bring it up anymore and just let him runt he relationship how he feels it should go. I think all of your feelings and concerns are very valid and if this guy really loved you and wanted to be with you he would also see them as valid.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 As far as I know ninjas intuitions have never been wrong. Op, you're focusing too much on words. Im sure being in love is grandiose but love takes time and commitment to build. It does not arise because he said he's falling for you. He could very well confused infatuation with love. Pay close attention to his actions. This guy could very well have emotional issues especially if an ex from 6 yrs ago in the past is still very much in the picture.
Quest4_TheLost Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I dated a guy like this once it wasn't a good situation. He was the opposite on the contacting spectrum. I couldn't get rid of him. TXT all day phone calls 3 times a day emailing me from work or trying to catch me online. Then bringing me home love letters from work. It was all like he was trying convince me how much he loved me and in return I should love him back.. We were together 14 months and because it never felt right at one point I tried to convince myself the same. That I was in love with him. I did love him but it was more as a friend and found myself mostly feeling sry for him. He had alot of past issues.. Lets just say it fizzled out as quickly at the end as it had heated up at the beginning. There was no middle ground. Perhaps you can get on the right path with this guy. Just pls don't jump in head first and try to convince yourself of the same things I did. Nothing good came from it and I never felt like it was a real relationship. I hope this helps!
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 Thanks for all the responses. I have really taken them to heart and I will for sure continue carefully. As I posted here, I also talked to my girlfriend about the situation and she advice (like many of you did) that I talk to him in a more relaxed manner about it, that since we A. barely are getting to know each other B. come from very different backgrounds, we may have different expectations of what a relationship is/should be like. So I talked to him last night about all these issues. The whole issues about me not staying he explained it as, if it had been the reverse role, he would have assumed that I would want him to come over, take care of me, spend some time with me and then he would tuck me in to bed, and let me rest. We discussed how, in my case I would want him to stay the whole time, as one thing I hate is being alone when Im feeling sick. In his case, he wants time to recuperate, and not have to put on a good face for my sake when he isnt feeling ok. We agreed that from now on, when he is sick, I will be there but I would also make sure to let him rest, and when Im sick, he will come and be with me as long as I need him to be. In regards to the other comments he has made, he said that he feels that he isn't used to have companionship, and it sort of scares him so he puts up a wall or says things to put distance. We agreed to try to trust each other more and give each other time to truly get to know each other. So Im glad I took a lot of your advice and decided to ask hard questions and open up communication. I will also keep my eye out for more inconsistencies but I think us talking really helped me make sense of him and his actions.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 So I talked to him last night about all these issues. The whole issues about me not staying he explained it as, if it had been the reverse role, he would have assumed that I would want him to come over, take care of me, spend some time with me and then he would tuck me in to bed, and let me rest. We discussed how, in my case I would want him to stay the whole time, as one thing I hate is being alone when Im feeling sick. In his case, he wants time to recuperate, and not have to put on a good face for my sake when he isnt feeling ok. We agreed that from now on, when he is sick, I will be there but I would also make sure to let him rest, and when Im sick, he will come and be with me as long as I need him to be. In regards to the other comments he has made, he said that he feels that he isn't used to have companionship, and it sort of scares him so he puts up a wall or says things to put distance. We agreed to try to trust each other more and give each other time to truly get to know each other. Being in a relationship is not about acting or being the very best person all of the time, eventually that facade or perfect personality withers down until you're dealing with the real person, he needs to learn how to be more genuine and sincere and communicate and express what he's thinking and feeling. He doesn't seem like the type to do this so far, so you'll need to often dig and ask these questions so he can think them through and figure them out, without you pressing for this information he may never give you a clear answer...so you'll have to learn to ask the same question in a different way or help him relate to what you are going through by giving him a familiar answer. You seem like someone eager to communicate and bond with your partner, which is a very good thing...unfortunately he may be limited in that endeavor but you can definitely increase the lines of communication and teach him a thing or two. Just make sure you understand what he wants and listen to what he is saying, don't be one of those women that just makes excuses for their mans lack of attributes and try to spin it in a positive light just so you can feel better about it...It's much better to be more realistic, realize when a person doesn't exceed or one thing or not and take the reality rather than built up this wall of excuses as to "oh he's just not that way" or "he isn't used to this or that and just doesn't know how to do it"...that may be partly the case but It's better to accept the realities and find the solutions than make excuses for the problems in the relationship. Don't let him put walls to keep you out, you don't have to barge your way through them like a wild reckless animal but don't just stop or men use these walls and excuses to block you out and keep you out...this is how men can disconnect from relationships, so If he consistently keeps you out then he's just not willing to take a chance with you..It takes a leap of faith and honestly this is probably the difference between a man who is ready for long-term relationship rather than short-term. I like your attitude and the way you are handling things, he sounds like a lucky guy to have you, I think you'll help him grow a lot.
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