After a 5 month EA, 2 of those months PA - how can I reconcile with my husband?

[Trimmer]

If you could all just be inside my head for 5 minutes and feel the actual depth of feeling and utter love I have for him.

I'll take you up on that. I choose any 5 minute period where your OM was inside you. I want to understand the depth of feeling that you had for your husband at that time.

 

Because that's what your husband will be wondering.

 

I think a year apart is too long... He is already moving on. She'll lose him for good. She needs to prove to him she is willing to be faithful and do whatever it takes NOW.

While she may make a case that she has the will to be faithful, she may have difficulty making the case that she has the ability.

 

For what's it worth, I HAVE said all of the above to my husband. We are discussing and exploring and talking and communicating as I type this.. He has not yet 'made the decision for me' - his reasons being his own.

I would suggest one of those reasons is that you came to him and raised the idea of reconciliation before you had ended the affair. This may just appear to be an inconsequential matter of timing to you, but to me (in your husband's shoes) I think it would be huge.

 

My ex-wife (who left me into the arms of another man with whom she had been cultivating a relationship before I was aware of it) once said to me "I just wish I could have my family back..." (She may have even said "our family...", which would have been even more powerful, but I don't quite remember.) To me this could have been a poignant moment of self-reflection, but it was COMPLETELY negated by the fact that she was still with her new man at the time. It made it an entirely empty statement, meaninless to me, and I haven't ever given it a second thought.

 

The fact that you stated your desire for reconciliation while you were still with your other man may have very much diminished any useful meaning in your husband's eyes. It doesn't make it seem like you are engaged in self-reflection and forward progress. It just confirms that you are acting as wishy-washy as ever, and just on yet another swing of the wacky pendulum.

[rheinhessen]

So a single man had an affair with a married woman with three young children and has this single man proposed to you, is he prepared to be step dad to your children?

Yes, a single man is and has enegaged in an affiar with a married woman with three children. *shock horror* No, he has not proposed. I have no want nor requirement for him to propose. What exactly is your point? I fear I have missed it, if there was one?

 

And yes, for the record, OM is and was prepared to and accepting of the fact that I have three children, but we have only even been too well aware of the delicacy of the situation...

 

Honestly... I was appreciating the advice to begin with, but some of the 'posts' I am beginning to take with a grain with of salt because some of you are spewing such vitriol and battery acid... your own [bad] experiences are beginning to cloud anything meaningful that you have to offer.

 

I can HEAR the bad, I do not have a problem in admitting and facing what I have done... for the record... but make what you say count, at least?

Edited July 1, 2012 by rheinhessen

[Furious]

Yes, a single man is and has enegaged in an affiar with a married woman with three children. *shock horror* No, he has not proposed. I have no want nor requirement for him to propose. What exactly is your point? I fear I have missed it, if there was one?

 

 

Most single men are willing to bed a married woman with young children, rarely do these single men stick around when the reality of the responsibility of children and their carefree single lifestyle is threatened.

 

Odds are your soulmate will bail out on you when it becomes real and the excitement fades.

[rheinhessen]

Most single men are willing to bed a married woman with young children, rarely do these single men stick around when the reality of the responsibility of children and their carefree single lifestyle is threatened.

 

Odds are your soulmate will bail out on you when it becomes real and the excitement fades.

lol, Ok

 

I guess I'll never know though since I DO fully intend to end things with OM..

[GLDheart]

When it was just "hooking up" the three kids didn't matter to him. He can say whatever he wants. They just aren't part of his life. He is incapable of loving them the way thier true father always will.

 

I hope for your sake, that when its not just about sex and real life sets in, he is still as "accepting" of them.

 

 

Edit:

Furious and I both picked up on that one but she beat me to the punch. (I blame typing on a smartphone ;-p )

Edited July 1, 2012 by GLDheart

[rheinhessen]

When it was just "hooking up" the three kids didn't matter to him. He can say whatever he wants. They just aren't part of his life. He is incapable of loving them the way thief true father always will.

 

I hope for your sake, that when its not just about sex and real life sets in, he is still as "accepting" of them.

Funnily enough, my husband is not the father of my first son and he ISNT very accepting of him in comparison to the two children I have with them. But that's irrelevant right?

 

OM is NOT an arsehole, whatever you say about him. Sure, his morals may be lacking to have considered an affair, but he's NOT an arsehole and we have discussed the the children at GREAT length, on numerous occassions.

 

A I say, this is also irrelevant, as I fully intend to end the relationship.

[GLDheart]

I know some of us betrayed spouses have some very strong feelings. We don't share them to punish you. We don't share them to vent our aggression on an available Target.

 

We show our emotions of our side of the story to actually help you. You see, if you truly understand the whole picture, there may be hope yet.

 

Good luck in your efforts to re-earn your husbands trust. I truly hope you pull it off. It took Two years for my trust to return after I was betrayed. And even then I was now acutely aware of "the patterns".

 

Lastly. Reconcile for yourself. Doing it for him or "for the kids sake" is a dangerous path towards resentment and repeat infidelity.

[rheinhessen]

I know some of us betrayed spouses have some very strong feelings. We don't share them to punish you. We don't share them to vent our aggression on an available Target.

 

We show our emotions of our side of the story to actually help you. You see, if you truly understand the whole picture, there may be hope yet.

 

Good luck in your efforts to re-earn your husbands trust. I truly hope you pull it off. It took Two years for my trust to return after I was betrayed. And even then I was now acutely aware of "the patterns".

 

Lastly. Reconcile for yourself. Doing it for him or "for the kids sake" is a dangerous path towards resentment and repeat infidelity.

I don't mind BS sharing their experiences or even attempting to punish me via their feelings or experiences.

 

Just do NOT EVER tell me I couldn't give a f*ck about my children. Simples.

 

My PRECIOUS PRECIOUS babies are THE single most important people in my entire life to date; they are my ULTIMATE achievement... They are PERFECT and they are PURE and they are the ONLY people I have absolute unconditional love for.. I would DIE for these three people. I will NOT stand to be told I could not give a ***** about them....

[GLDheart]

I don't mind BS sharing their experiences or even attempting to punish me via their feelings or experiences.

 

Just do NOT EVER tell me I couldn't give a f*ck about my children. Simples.

 

My PRECIOUS PRECIOUS babies are THE single most important people in my entire life to date; they are my ULTIMATE achievement... They are PERFECT and they are PURE and they are the ONLY people I have absolute unconditional love for.. I would DIE for these three people. I will NOT stand to be told I could not give a ***** about them....

 

Then get back to the constructive discussion. Staying focussed on a slight against your children begins to appear like a "redirection" tactic. No one is here to "win an internet argument".

[Steadfast]

First this:

 

*I* pushed for our affair.. I accept full responsibility. I pursued and pursued and pursued until I got what I wanted. I seduced and I flirted and I did whatever was within my power to get to the man I desired other than my husband...*snip*...I am SHAMEFULLY persuasive and manipulative. I take ULTIMATE responsibility for this affair.

 

Then this:

 

I am not a bad person... I truly am not.

 

Yes, you are. And a neglectful, shortsighted, potentially dangerous mother.

 

Not everyone is all bad OP, and not everyone is all good either. Many 'bad' people have some wonderful traits; brilliantly talented and insightful. And 'good' people, the ones who don't cheat on their spouses and expose their family to all kinds of risks? They can occasionally give into temptation too. The difference? The bad never becomes a pattern. It's always an exception.

 

More reality to digest:

 

Do you realize that the overwhelming percentage of homicide and violent crime happens within families and people you know well? And of many (most?) of those, infidelity is at the root. That's where you are. No matter what you think or how well you know someone, you have no idea how they'll react to trauma and overbearing emotional stress...especially the kind that's experienced by betrayed spouses and jilted lovers. NO ONE expects violence, it's always a sudden, sickening, terrifying realization. When the police come to the scene and the story gets told, all will nod knowingly. Everyone who hears it will understand. Fact: YOU counted/demanded/expected others to remain sane and keep your loved ones safe while you sought your own selfish pleasure. That's the definition of a bad person.

 

You risked your children. Who knows? In some ways, you still might be.

 

Break it down and start over. All of it. Stop lying to yourself and living in denial. Become the person you want to be, not the person you claim to be.

 

It's only too late when it's too late.

[rheinhessen]

Then get back to the constructive discussion. Staying focussed on a slight against your children begins to appear like a "redirection" tactic. No one is here to "win an internet argument".

I am all for constructive discussion, definitely lets get back it.

 

i LOVE my husband.... Yes, I love OM, but my husband is my husband and the father of (majority lol) these precious children.. therefore, I am resolute on my decision...

[Furious]

This is coming from the woman who early in this thread, who went on and on about how much she loved her husband, would do anything thing to prove her love to him and "without him, she had nothing".

 

Then within a nano second when it looked like her husband was going to give their marriage a second chance she concluded that perhaps she needed to think about it because she could not bear to hurt the other man by breaking it off with him.

 

You are a contradictory mess.

 

Ditch the OM, set your husband free.

Get into individual Counseling.

Focus on your children, don't fool yourself that they don't sense something is going terribly wrong in their home.

 

Peace and good luck

[2sunny]

There's really nothing to help you with until you end it with your OM.

 

Until then - your actions show you are still willing to cheat by keeping him around = NOT ending it.

 

Your husband may determine HIS next action based upon you NOT ending it with OM.

[SomedayDig]

 

You are getting more irate and defensive and yes in fairness, you are getting a lot of flack and some of it is put to you in a very ugly way. I'd get defensive myself....

 

In fairness I have given the OP a very difficult time in my postings. I apologize. However, sometimes that ugliness needs to slap people in the face if they ever want to truly see what turmoil their actions caused.

[anne1707]

I am all for constructive discussion, definitely lets get back it.

 

i LOVE my husband.... Yes, I love OM, but my husband is my husband and the father of (majority lol) these precious children.. therefore, I am resolute on my decision...

 

 

Why the need for the "lol"? Is this something to joke about? There seems to be a real lack of commitment from you to anything unless you are getting what you need. How about what others need?

[GLDheart]

Why the need for the "lol"? Is this something to joke about? There seems to be a real lack of commitment from you to anything unless you are getting what you need. How about what others need?

 

 

Her oldest child is from a prior relationship. Hence the "majority lol". I do believe the OP is trying to lighten the mood in here.

 

At the OP:

 

If I were having this discussion with your husband I would be telling him to emotionally heal from your turmoil and move on. Under the circumstances and based upon your mixed feelings, that is what is best for him in my opinion.

[anne1707]

Her oldest child is from a prior relationship. Hence the "majority lol". I do believe the OP is trying to lighten the mood in here.

 

The fact that a child is from another relationship is not the issue. It is the way she just jokes about people's lives that troubles me. It is as if she takes none of this stuff seriously.

[alexandria35]

OP I'm sure you love your kids very much but can you honestly say that they were your priority when you were fooling around with the MM? I'm not talking about if they were sleeping or if they met the OM. I'm talking about you engaging in behaviour that ultimately resulted in breaking up your family. Do you really think that was acting like your children were your priority? Now your marriage might be over and then what? Someday your kids will get a new stepdad who will also struggle to accept them as their own just like your husband struggles with your oldest child? Yay for your kids! I'm sure they will love that. I'm sure they will be glad to know that you were making them your top priority while you were getting busy with the other guy and destroying their home and breaking up the family. It doesnt' matter how accepting of your kids the OM sounds right now. When you move in with a family and have to deal with kids that aren't yours on a daily basis it's a whole different ball game. I'm sure you thought your husband was just wonderful with your son when you met him right?

 

In any case you sure have changed your tune since your first post here, just as many people here predicted you would, however I'm not sure anyone was expecting it to happen literally overnight. Yesterday it was all "I'll do whatever takes to get my husband back" now it's 'well gee, I don't want to hurt the OM'. This is just what we said it was. You want to keep your husband hooked but you don't want to fully commit to him. Let him go and if your kids are really your first priority you will let the OM go too.

Edited July 4, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[GLDheart]

...You want to keep your husband hooked but you don't want to fully commit to him...

 

I agree. However, as the emotions calm down. Her husband will begin to think more clearly. Nothing but 100% full remorse and effort will keep him around through the anger that will soon kick in for him.

 

Her husband is now HYPER AWARE of her behaviors and paying attention to everything. If she waffles one bit on her resolve, HE WILL SEE IT. The OP is going to be very upset when her husband walks away from this deal.

[2sunny]

I don't mind BS sharing their experiences or even attempting to punish me via their feelings or experiences.

 

Just do NOT EVER tell me I couldn't give a f*ck about my children. Simples.

 

My PRECIOUS PRECIOUS babies are THE single most important people in my entire life to date; they are my ULTIMATE achievement... They are PERFECT and they are PURE and they are the ONLY people I have absolute unconditional love for.. I would DIE for these three people. I will NOT stand to be told I could not give a ***** about them....

 

Well your ACTIONS show different than your words. Your actions show you risked their stable life - and trashed their family by betrayal. All because of your FEELINGS for another man.

 

The li they've known is now changed because of YOUR actions.

 

Words mean nothing.

 

Just as you've SAID you'd end it with your OM - YOU haven't YET DONE that either.

 

Words and actions must match or it creates the lie.

[Plan 9 from OS]

I hope I didn't give the wrong impression to the OP'er, but I am neither a BS or a WS. I am married though and I have enough life experience to know when things are not right in a situation or when something is just "off". IMO, you are a little "off". I'm not going to spew hate and vitriol in your direction, but I do think that your husband got a very raw deal. Even aside from the affair and the obvious affect your affair had on your husband and your children, there is something deeper here. You definitely need to seek some professional help to work through some issues.

 

I can't get over the fact that you seem to have a jealous and possessive attitude about your husband. You take ownership of the affair and put the blame on yourself, which IMO is correct based on what we know in this thread. You even got to the point where you discovered a "soulmate" in the OM. And your affair has been going on through today because technically you have not formally broke it off with the OM. Even though you had found new love with your love interest and a soul mate, why the jealousy and anger about your husband beginning to move on in his life and date another woman?

 

Truthfully, I don't see how you will be able to reconcile with your husband because you still have not figured out why you strayed in the first place. I have no doubt in my mind that unless you get some help and spend significant time on improving yourself it will happen again. I think you need to stay away from men completely so that you can put yourself back together. In the meantime, I also think your husband deserves to do some of his own searching to see if he can find a better soulmate for himself. No, I am not thinking about a revenge affair or anything like that. But based on the betrayal he experienced, he deserves to find out for himself if there is someone that can love him on a deeper level than you can. I'm not saying this to be mean towards you, but it is pretty obvious that you don't love your husband as deeply as you think. If you did, then you would have no qualms about throwing the OM off to the side without a second thought in favor of showing a real committment to your husband the exact moment your affair was found out. Unfortunately, that did not happen.

 

If I was your husband, I would divorce you and move on. Because I would interpret your actions to mean that you didn't really love me like I thought you did.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Yes, I love OM

 

Stick a fork in it. The husband is gone. If you have any decency left in you, you will let him move on.

[Leigh 87]

Personally, I do not believe in secondf chances after cheating.

 

I believe that once you cheat - you have made that desision, and must live with the consequences.

 

He deserves better. You may be a great women, and have many wonderful things going for you; you are probably a great mother, you sound intelligent in the way you write, and there is bound to be some great things about you. The thing about cheating is: no matter HOW great you are, he still deserves better.

 

You should seek professional help and commit to getting to the bottom of WHAT went through your mind when you cheated; did it feel wrong, and why did u keep doing it, what were your thoughts, did it feel wrong and yet " addictive" to feel that RUSH again, that rush you get when you first meet a man your into?

 

I think in a lot of long term relationships, people miss that " thrill" and " rush" you get when your newly dating.. I can see how it would be addictive!

I have a boyfriend, and I feel that him and I will keep challenging ourselves and growing as people, and I can see us getting " new thrills" from each other.

 

It is 2 years almost, and we are more into each other than ever. I can only see things getting better, and the new rush is still there if you commit; for instance, we do not have sex that often, maybe twice a week tops, and we ted to save it for times when we are very emotionally close, and physicall aching for it.

I also do not show him my naked body apart from the times we have sex, so he is so horny for me and to him, it feels very exciting - more so than a women you see naked every day.

Lastly - I am normally thin and fit for my boyfriend, so when I am naked, I canshow him my hard work! Sexy curves and a fit body that your confidet about, works wonders....

 

Those are the things that work for us, we get closer and more excited with our sex lives the longer we are together. I just would never risk cheating. I could never be in the arms of another man while with my boyfriend. I just could not do it.

I would never take a person back after they cheat. It would never be the same.

What I would do, is get on with my life, and at least then they will see you live with some sort of integrity; a person you will probably always love on some level, can see that you working on being a good person. That is THE MOST I would expect to get from this all, from him...

 

Moving on will be harder than you could imagine, but I believe t his is the RIGHT thing, once you cheat; you did not fight hard enough for him because you cheated. Why fight now? YOu had your chance.

[Leigh 87]

Stick a fork in it. The husband is gone. If you have any decency left in you, you will let him move on.

 

 

 

 

wow, and if you love the other man, it is SO selfish to want your usband back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Look. I know you MEAN well. But your husband simply does NOT deserve a women who loves another man!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

There is a type of love, an all encompassing love, whereby both people involved cannot bring themselves to love another person. IT IS BEST to have THIS type of love.

Why work through a love, when it was not strong enough, so that you cheated?

You can say it was strong all you like, but SOMETHING is not right, if you can bring yourself to cheat. It is not healthy to stay in a relationship once you cheat.

 

Honestly, if you cheated, something is amiss with you and your hubby OR your character, and the ability to control your own selfish impulses.

Please, let him be. It is just so wrong, wanting you husbad back, when you love someone else.....

[Artie Lang]

In another place, another time, another life... OM *IS* my soulmate, undeniable.

 

this really plays on me. the OM still- and will always -occupy headspace. i would never agree to reconciliation as long as your head is "in the clouds."

 

let me tell you something.....if i am not #1 in your life, then there is no marriage. i wouldn't want to be in competition with, or compared to OM for the rest of my life.

 

if you love OM so much, then go to him. you can't even convince yourself about what you really want.....and you're not doing a very good job convincing the posters here, either.

 

 

if you really love your husband, then let him go. let him pursue happiness with someone who deserves his love.

 

 

for the record, you do realize you cheated on your children also, right? every minute you spent with OM could've been spent with your children(whether they were asleep or awake), husband, family.

Edited July 2, 2012 by Artie Lang