rheinhessen Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 I have been with my husband for 5 years, married for one of those years. In November, I started a voluntary position and became close to a man - who also volunteers. In February, I began an emotional affair with this man and I guess I thought I fell in love with him. At the very end of April, it turned into a physical affair. My husband knew from the outset and we separated and he left the marital home before the affair turned physical - not that that counts for much. I want to end, I WILL end it. I want my husband back, back at home where he belongs. I am so scared to discuss the possibility of reconciliation with him today - when he comes to visit the children, but I have to. I have been up all night crying - I can't lose him. I completely accept all of the blame, what I did was unforgiveable and I realise I may be asking the impossible from him. I am SO unbelieveably sorry - it literally dawned on me late last night exactly what I have done and how selfish I have been and I HAVE to see if he can try again... My soul actually hurts. Does anybody have any advice or had a similar experience? Please feel free to flame me - I actually could not feel worse than I already do. I am willing to whatever it takes, absolutely ANYTHING. I am ready for complete transparency, openness and honesty. I will try marriage counselling, I will move house - move to the opposite end of the country - anything he wants. I love him so much I actually physically ache. My heart aches. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 What actually caused the change to want your H back? Be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rheinhessen Posted June 30, 2012 Author Share Posted June 30, 2012 What actually caused the change to want your H back? Be honest. Becuase I cannot bare the thought of him loving someone else. I know he is dating, and I read on an online forum - that he has met a woman whom he likes and who likes him.. I cannot BARE the thought of another woman pleasing him... I was a cake eater... I feel like a cake eater.. I just want my husband back. I actually genuinely do - though I have been questioning myself for about a month now, this just pushed me over the edge and cleared a 'fog'.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 You need to end your affair before you even bother trying to fix things with your husband. It is so pointless if you're still in contact with the OM. You MUST go no contact after you end your A. Do counseling. Prove to your husband that you ARE worthy of a chance, worthy of his love and for you to regain his trust and faith in you. Right now your words and your tears mean nothing to him. HE will see you as acting out of pure emotion and desparation, not true remorse and regret. Fear of losing all that you know and love.. This is why doing counselling, with him and alone is a good thing. you need to figure out why you cheated on him and so soon after you got married. FIX whatever is broken inside of you and please, don't blame him for your choice to cheat. Own that. All you can do is give him time and space. Don't rush and push him into forgiving you, that will just piss him off and make him run in the other direction. You have to know you turned his world upside down, went against your vows and he is hurting so badly. I know you feel bad, but I need to ask, did you get caught? If yes and he found out on his own or by someone else telling him, then all the more reason to give him space until he is ready to talk to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rheinhessen Posted June 30, 2012 Author Share Posted June 30, 2012 You need to end your affair before you even bother trying to fix things with your husband. It is so pointless if you're still in contact with the OM. You MUST go no contact after you end your A. Do counseling. Prove to your husband that you ARE worthy of a chance, worthy of his love and for you to regain his trust and faith in you. Right now your words and your tears mean nothing to him. HE will see you as acting out of pure emotion and desparation, not true remorse and regret. Fear of losing all that you know and love.. This is why doing counselling, with him and alone is a good thing. you need to figure out why you cheated on him and so soon after you got married. FIX whatever is broken inside of you and please, don't blame him for your choice to cheat. Own that. All you can do is give him time and space. Don't rush and push him into forgiving you, that will just piss him off and make him run in the other direction. You have to know you turned his world upside down, went against your vows and he is hurting so badly. I know you feel bad, but I need to ask, did you get caught? If yes and he found out on his own or by someone else telling him, then all the more reason to give him space until he is ready to talk to you. No, I didn't get caught or found out. I told my husband I was attracted to this man before anything had even happened, emotional or physical - I was open from the start. I thought I could control myself, but I was weak and selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 Becuase I cannot bare the thought of him loving someone else. I know he is dating, and I read on an online forum - that he has met a woman whom he likes and who likes him.. I cannot BARE the thought of another woman pleasing him... I was a cake eater... I feel like a cake eater.. I just want my husband back. I actually genuinely do - though I have been questioning myself for about a month now, this just pushed me over the edge and cleared a 'fog'.. For that reason, it's not good enough to want him back. The minute you hear he's with someone else, you want your H back and you want to end the A with your OM.. Sounds more like jealously and ownership on your behalf? Please give that a lot of thought.. In that month before you found out about him dating others, you were with your OM, yes? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 No, I didn't get caught or found out. I told my husband I was attracted to this man before anything had even happened, emotional or physical - I was open from the start. I thought I could control myself, but I was weak and selfish. How did your husband react when you told him about you being attracted to another man? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 Did you end it with the OM? Why did your H leave if he never found out? Have you been totally honest with your H about the extent of your cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rheinhessen Posted June 30, 2012 Author Share Posted June 30, 2012 How did your husband react when you told him about you being attracted to another man? He thanked me for my honesty and arranged for us to have a night out where we talked and he told me that no other man could ever love me as much as he could. And I shattered it. In response to your other post, it's not a case of jealousy, I would not stand in the way of his happiness or begrudge him this new relationship if that is what he wants - but either way, I am ending my affir with the OM. It was more a case of it hitting home; didn't know what I had until it's gone. If it's gone, then I will deal with it and allow him to move on and heal and allow myself to heal. But I AM ending my A with the OM.. regardless. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 So - you still haven't even ended it? Have you told your H you screwed the OM? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rheinhessen Posted June 30, 2012 Author Share Posted June 30, 2012 Did you end it with the OM? Why did your H leave if he never found out? Have you been totally honest with your H about the extent of your cheating? My husband DID find out - because I have been honest with him throughout and I told him - from the moment I noticed that I was attracted to the OM and it was causing me concern, to the point where I realised it had developed into an EA. He then moved out and it became a PA about a month and a half after that. My husband knows everything. I am ending the A with OM today and beginning NC and removing myself from any opportunities to engage with him or have to speak to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rheinhessen Posted June 30, 2012 Author Share Posted June 30, 2012 So - you still haven't even ended it? Have you told your H you screwed the OM? Yes, my husband knows the A turned into a physical one. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 My husband DID find out - because I have been honest with him throughout and I told him - from the moment I noticed that I was attracted to the OM and it was causing me concern, to the point where I realised it had developed into an EA. He then moved out and it became a PA about a month and a half after that. My husband knows everything. I am ending the A with OM today and beginning NC and removing myself from any opportunities to engage with him or have to speak to him. Ok. Now you need counseling to learn why you cheated. What is so broken within you that you betrayed the man you married. To find a healthy boundary - one that doesn't harm others. And to earn trust back and learn how to respect and honor others. You have a ton of work to do. No need to offer yourself to hubby until a solid year of intensive counseling makes you a changed woman. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SarahRose Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 if he wasn't seeing someone else you probably wouldn't be thinking this way. he left you and that wasn't enough for you to end the affair. i don't think you really care that much. don't you think it hurt him that you were with someone else? That didn't matter though. Now he is dating all of a sudden you care. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 Focus on ending the A and allowing yourself time to grieve that loss. You obviously have some feelings and care for the OM otherwise you wouldn't have risked your marriage, gone ahead and had that affair with him. I am glad that you are aware of the fog and how it can mess up your mind and emotions. I genuinally hope you and your husband can work this out but the thing is, now that he's dating and having fun, don't expect him to come rushing back to you. Even more so since you cheated so early in the marriage.. This is why it's important for you to get over the OM, make sure he is OUT Of YOUR LIFE completely (change your cell number, email address so he can't contact you) before you reach out to your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rheinhessen Posted June 30, 2012 Author Share Posted June 30, 2012 if he wasn't seeing someone else you probably wouldn't be thinking this way. he left you and that wasn't enough for you to end the affair. i don't think you really care that much. don't you think it hurt him that you were with someone else? That didn't matter though. Now he is dating all of a sudden you care. I can see why you would say that. It's simply not true. I love my husband to the very bones :[ I have babies with this beautiful, beautiful man. If you could all just be inside my head for 5 minutes and feel the actual depth of feeling and utter love I have for him. I know this is not how you treat somebody that you love. I have no excuses or reason. I have nothing. I have nothing if I don't have him. That's a simple fact. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 Ok. Now you need counseling to learn why you cheated. What is so broken within you that you betrayed the man you married. To find a healthy boundary - one that doesn't harm others. And to earn trust back and learn how to respect and honor others. You have a ton of work to do. No need to offer yourself to hubby until a solid year of intensive counseling makes you a changed woman. I think a year apart is too long... He is already moving on. She'll lose him for good. She needs to prove to him she is willing to be faithful and do whatever it takes NOW. I think if there's ever a time to grovel and beg...it's when a WS is trying to get forgiveness. If my WW had told me she'd move whereever, make whatever life changes were needed, that would have been huge toward healing the marriage. What massive sacrifice are you willing to take that would be necessary? Do you work with OM? Does this mean quitting a job? Would your H want to move somewhere else? If so this is a good thing to bring up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SarahRose Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 I can see why you would say that. It's simply not true. I love my husband to the very bones :[ I have babies with this beautiful, beautiful man. If you could all just be inside my head for 5 minutes and feel the actual depth of feeling and utter love I have for him. I know this is not how you treat somebody that you love. I have no excuses or reason. I have nothing. I have nothing if I don't have him. That's a simple fact. what were your thoughts when your husband moved out? Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 No disrespect to your feelings and I accept your honesty. It sounds like bargaining to me. Not that you want him back or that you assume responsibility. Where is your recognition that there were deficits in the marital relationship? In many ways it takes both parties for an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 He thanked me for my honesty and arranged for us to have a night out where we talked and he told me that no other man could ever love me as much as he could. And I shattered it. In response to your other post, it's not a case of jealousy, I would not stand in the way of his happiness or begrudge him this new relationship if that is what he wants - but either way, I am ending my affir with the OM. It was more a case of it hitting home; didn't know what I had until it's gone. If it's gone, then I will deal with it and allow him to move on and heal and allow myself to heal. But I AM ending my A with the OM.. regardless. bolded part..This is very sad. Do you know his views on affairs? How he feels about cheating? Just focus on ending your affair and telling the OM goodbye. Ask him to please respect your wishes and to leave you alone. Wish him well and close that door forever. Once you're in counselling for a while, then have a talk with your husband. Timing is important and he will not believe for one second you're wanting him back for the right reasons. You may know what's what, but your husband doesn't. He can't trust you at all and that is going a long time to regain what you lost. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rheinhessen Posted June 30, 2012 Author Share Posted June 30, 2012 I think a year apart is too long... He is already moving on. She'll lose him for good. She needs to prove to him she is willing to be faithful and do whatever it takes NOW. I think if there's ever a time to grovel and beg...it's when a WS is trying to get forgiveness. If my WW had told me she'd move whereever, make whatever life changes were needed, that would have been huge toward healing the marriage. What massive sacrifice are you willing to take that would be necessary? Do you work with OM? Does this mean quitting a job? Would your H want to move somewhere else? If so this is a good thing to bring up. No, I don't work with OM. I have already quit the voluntary position that I held that allowed us to have regular weekly contact anyway. I would LITERALLY do anything. He can access to ALL of my email accounts/forum accounts, he can instal a keylogger on my laptop, he can unlimited access to my mobile phone, I will be available for phonecalls and respond to texts, I will tell him immediately if OM attempts to even contact me, I would move 400 miles south to live beside his parents, marriage counselling, I will tell the truth to all family members and I will apologise unreservedly to everybody - ANYTHING HE WANTED. ANYTHING. He just has to ask it of me and I will do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 No disrespect to your feelings and I accept your honesty. It sounds like bargaining to me. Not that you want him back or that you assume responsibility. Where is your recognition that there were deficits in the marital relationship? In many ways it takes both parties for an affair. Her husband is NOT to blame for her choice to cheat and have an affair. Sure, he is partially responsible for the state of their marriage, problems going on, but not HER choice to cheat. She did that all on her own.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rheinhessen Posted June 30, 2012 Author Share Posted June 30, 2012 what were your thoughts when your husband moved out? I felt dread. We cried and held each other on and off all day as he moved his stuff out. Then he came round in the evening and we watched a movie together becuase it felt so unnatural to be apart. Rich coming from me, who didnt feel it unnatural to be in another mans arms while I broke my husbands heart :[ Link to post Share on other sites
Author rheinhessen Posted June 30, 2012 Author Share Posted June 30, 2012 No disrespect to your feelings and I accept your honesty. It sounds like bargaining to me. Not that you want him back or that you assume responsibility. Where is your recognition that there were deficits in the marital relationship? In many ways it takes both parties for an affair. I don't know how else I can prove to him I love him if I cannot do all of these things to show him? He is my world. He is actually my world... I'm at a loss... damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm feeling like this is a lost cause, I am not even going to mention the possibility of reconciliation, I will just end my A with OM and let him move on with this new woman... Link to post Share on other sites
SarahRose Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 I felt dread. We cried and held each other on and off all day as he moved his stuff out. Then he came round in the evening and we watched a movie together becuase it felt so unnatural to be apart. Rich coming from me, who didnt feel it unnatural to be in another mans arms while I broke my husbands heart :[ so why didn't you end the affair when your husband left you. honestly why did you continue the affair? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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