After a 5 month EA, 2 of those months PA - how can I reconcile with my husband?

June 30, 2012

I don't know how else I can prove to him I love him if I cannot do all of these things to show him? He is my world. He is actually my world... I'm at a loss... damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I'm feeling like this is a lost cause, I am not even going to mention the possibility of reconciliation, I will just end my A with OM and let him move on with this new woman...

Don't be so passive and act like the victim here. You want him? FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE but you DO NEED the help of a therapist (aka marriage counsellor). I knw you're upset and all but giving up? Come on.. Don't.

Your H needs time and space. IF you hand over your husband without a fight and you two DO divorce, you'll regret not trying your best to fix this.

June 30, 2012

Don't be so passive and act like the victim here. You want him? FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE but you DO NEED the help of a therapist (aka marriage counsellor). I knw you're upset and all but giving up? Come on.. Don't.

Your H needs time and space. IF you hand over your husband without a fight and you two DO divorce, you'll regret not trying your best to fix this.

Sorry - I had to go and see to my kids...

You're right, sorry for going all pathetic.. OF COURSE I want to fight for my marriage, more than anything. But what I mean is, if he is intent on this new woman, I will be obliged to step aside - it's the very least I owe him - if he is absolutely 100%, without a doubt certain that there is no way for us to go forward.

And if there is the tiniest slither of hope, then, I'm going to have to run with it - even if it doesn't work out.. I have to try, I AM READY to give 100% to my marriage and not runaway and hide behind an A - although that has now caused issues on top of issues..

Edit: I realise I am 5 months too late to the epihany-party :[

Edited June 30, 2012 by rheinhessen
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June 30, 2012

If you REALLY loved him that much, why in the world did you cheat on him? You can say all the typical WS claptrap all you want, but it just doesn't add up.

June 30, 2012

A couple of thoughts, rhein, from your thread...

First, you have to completely end the affair and remove the OM from your life. And that includes friendly contact, contact while you volunteer for the same organization, etc. I would suggest giving up volunteering for this same organization where he is.

Also start counseling by yourself immediately. I'm guessing you don't know yourself very well and this is (partially) why you chose to have an affair.

Once you have finished the affair, and I mean completely finished it and started counseling, then you can try to tell your husband about your changes.

He is already moving on and once a man is done, he is done. It may already be too late. You need to implement your changes (ending the A, starting counseling) immediately so that you can at least show him that you are willing to do what it takes.

Tell your H everything you have told us here.

Then, you work on yourself. Be the best person you can and the best mother to your children. Live a life of integrity, dignity and respect. Tell your husband you want another chance and then show him that you are worthy of that chance.

It will be 100% up to him if he is willing to give that to you. Like I said, he is moving on. Create your own authentic life and be true to yourself and others. If you are very lucky...your H will notice your hard-earned changes and maybe give you a chance. At the very least, you will be living authentically and will hopefully grow into a better person.

As an aside, why didn't your husband file for divorce when he moved out?

June 30, 2012

If you REALLY loved him that much, why in the world did you cheat on him? You can say all the typical WS claptrap all you want, but it just doesn't add up.

Quoted for truth.

You don't deserve him. You drove a bus over him for some random dude and didn't even end the contact after d-day. Now that your husband may have found someone else you are backpedaling.

Your relationship with your husband will never be like it was. Never. You ruined it by dropping an atom bomb on your marriage. Hope other dude was worth it.

June 30, 2012

I don't know how else I can prove to him I love him if I cannot do all of these things to show him? He is my world. He is actually my world... I'm at a loss... damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I'm feeling like this is a lost cause, I am not even going to mention the possibility of reconciliation, I will just end my A with OM and let him move on with this new woman...

Sorry I know you're out of the fog, but you're saying all this now where was the love you were feeling for him when you slept with the other guy?

personally I think it's a bit selfish now he's moving on you want him back, leave him alone and let him find out what he wants and whether he wants it with someone else because you literally had a million get outs and you didn't take them..maybe the sex was wack, grass isn't greener and all that jazz but you took the plunge and banged the other man, I guess your aching love for your husband wasn't so strong then. Let him be.

June 30, 2012

personally I think it's a bit selfish now he's moving on you want him back, leave him alone and let him find out what he wants.... Let him be.

My sentiments exactly. All I read is "I want," "I want.." I don't see any empathy at all from the OP. And that's the problem. You got everything you wanted reinhessen and look what you ended with. Nothing.

Maybe it's time to stop being so damn self-centered and worrying about what YOU want, and leave your betrayed husband alone.

June 30, 2012

My sentiments exactly. All I read is "I want," "I want.." I don't see any empathy at all from the OP. And that's the problem. You got everything you wanted reinhessen and look what you ended with. Nothing.

Maybe it's time to stop being so damn self-centered and worrying about what YOU want, and leave your betrayed husband alone.

I agree. You're ephiphany is pretty lame if you ask me. It was all good for you as long as you had your affair partner and you knew your husband didn't have anyone. That was freaking great! You had sex and attention from your lover and felt secure in the knowledge that your husband was alone and pining for you. You had no problem with that right? Who cares that your husband was hurt? Who cares that he felt rejected and left behind? Maybe someone cared but it sure as hell wasn't you. Now you see him moving on and all of a sudden you're all about your feelings and how much you hurt at the thought of losing him. Suddenly you're a changed person!! Yep, you had an ephiphany and now you're all fixed up and ready to be a loyal faithful wife eh? Haha...not very freaking likely. Real change takes time, effort and hard work. You are desperately trying to hold onto your husband because your ego and your selfishness can't stand the thought of him not being there FOR YOU. You are making all these desperate claims and promises because you want to stop the pain you feel at seeing him go, because your pain is unacceptable to you but you were unaffected by his pain. Everything about this just screams ME ME ME. You haven't even ended the freaking affair yet and you are scheming to keep your husband in your clutches. Once you succeed at that and the crisis has passed you will suddenly start thinking about the OM and wonder what he is up to these days. Oh I know you will deny that because you are in a state of panic to hold onto your husband right now, but as soon as you have him securely back in his place you will return to what you know. I'm not saying you can't change but change takes hard work and time. Since you haven't put in the time or the hard work yet, you are still the same person who left your husband, who carried on an affair and who now selfishly wants her husband back because she doesn't want anyone else to have him. My advice would be for you to stay away from your husband while you work on yourself. You can tell him that you love him and you would like to reconcile later on but let him know you are going to spend the next year healing yourself and getting stronger so that he can believe in you and feel secure in the marriage. If he's mature and he loves you, he will see the value in this. Real love can endure a year long seperation if it's for a greater good.

June 30, 2012

I agree with most of what has been said here, particularly...

End the A in a clear and concise way from a distance and NEVER contact him again. NEVER reply to any fishing attempts from him. Do it today; do it now.

Get into individual counseling immediately.

These two steps will be critical for him to even remotely take you seriously.

I also agree that the timing of your epiphany is concerning to say the least. Don't expect to get any bonus points from him because you got jealous and you can expect he won't believe you're suddenly madly and completely in love with him when last week you were feeding him sh*t sandwiches.

What I don't agree with is that you need to leave him alone. If you can fully and completely commit to being a good and faithful spouse for the rest of your days, the choice is up to him. But if you're not up for years of making this up to him (and I'm not kidding about the duration), then let the poor dude go.

I also don't agree that when a man is done, he's done. My wife's betrayal of me is quite a story. But I would still take her back today if she were truly as remorseful as you say you are. I can think of at least one other poster here who would probably say the same thing. We're both men who are divorcing and based on the efforts we made to attempt reconciliation, I'd say we're both doing it reluctantly but our unremorseful WWs gave us little choice. For me, I would still consider R with my W despite the fact that I have a wonderful girlfriend now that treats me like gold. I wouldn't make the decision lightly (and it ain't gonna happen) but the allure of reuniting with my wife and the mother of my children...well, just don't sell yourself short and give up.

End your A, get into IC, then give your H the mother of all apologies with a commitment to do whatever is necessary to earn your way back. Give him time to decide and keep working on yourself in the meantime. He may change his mind several times. Expect it and respect it. My $.02 anyway.

Good luck to you.

June 30, 2012

Sorry - I had to go and see to my kids...

You're right, sorry for going all pathetic.. OF COURSE I want to fight for my marriage, more than anything. But what I mean is, if he is intent on this new woman, I will be obliged to step aside - it's the very least I owe him - if he is absolutely 100%, without a doubt certain that there is no way for us to go forward.

And if there is the tiniest slither of hope, then, I'm going to have to run with it - even if it doesn't work out.. I have to try, I AM READY to give 100% to my marriage and not runaway and hide behind an A - although that has now caused issues on top of issues..

Edit: I realise I am 5 months too late to the epihany-party :[

Then do it. It's time to step aside and let your soon-to-be-ex-husband live his new life. You destroyed his old life and he is now healing and ready to face the future. Don't ruin it with your sudden fit of jealous bulls*it - let him go.

It's also time for you to find a new life for yourself.

June 30, 2012

I also don't agree that when a man is done, he's done. My wife's betrayal of me is quite a story. But I would still take her back today if she were truly as remorseful as you say you are. I can think of at least one other poster here who would probably say the same thing. We're both men who are divorcing and based on the efforts we made to attempt reconciliation, I'd say we're both doing it reluctantly but our unremorseful WWs gave us little choice. For me, I would still consider R with my W despite the fact that I have a wonderful girlfriend now that treats me like gold. I wouldn't make the decision lightly (and it ain't gonna happen) but the allure of reuniting with my wife and the mother of my children...well, just don't sell yourself short and give up.

I was the one who said when a man is done, he is done.

I stand by my words; however, I appreciate your input as a man on this, BH. You see, you aren't done with your wife. You may have no choice but to be done with her because of her actions...she has pushed your marriage to divorce. But you haven't decided that you are done with your love/relationship/feelings (pick one), not yet. See the difference?

And you may never reach that point. However, if you do...there will likely be no turning back. Your wife could offer everything of herself to you and more and it still wouldn't be enough once you've reached that point. Right now, as you say, she might still be able to reach you if she offered the right emotional currency...

Anyway, it seems like I am arguing with you about your feelings, BH and that is truly not my intent. FWIW, I hope you get to that place of indifference. I wish I would with my WH but I have not, not yet.

Taking this back to the OP...knowing your husband as you do, do you think he might have reached that point of no return in your marriage yet? Either way, if you want to try, all you can do is ask him for a second chance and let him decide what is best for him.

June 30, 2012

I think it's some of that "you want what you think you can't have" going on here. Maybe some buyer's remorse, like you bought something that was too expensive and now you feel bad so you take it back even though you wore it once.

All you can do at this point is what others have suggested, get ic, offer to do what he asks of you, (if he asks) and don't beg. Begging won't bring him back and imo will show you in an unflattering light.

I pity the woman who your husband is dating, it's not fair to her because I doubt he is done with you yet, let alone had time to process any of the emotions and most importantly is not divorced yet. And in that aspect of why not to date a separated man, kidd, I find what you said particularly disturbing in regards to your g/f. Does she know how you feel about your wife, does she know you'd take her back? I bet she doesn't......you are omitting that info right? So unfair to her!

I don't want to t/j here but I expected the question and should answer it. My g/f is also separated and divorcing. We both still have a love/hate relationship with our STBXs. Neither of us will be reuniting with them but we both have said we would understand if the other felt the need to make another attempt at their marriage. It has been openly discussed. I think we both recognize it is a new relationship (compared to our marriages) and complex but it has been refreshing for it to be a very honest relationship and I feel this openness is permitting a healthier relationship over the long term.

Please also bear in mind that my hypothetical (about my oh so remorseful W) couldn't be more hypothetical. The OP said she is willing to do "anything." My STBX has been content to do nothing but lie for the last two years, filed for the D, has refused to so much as meet with me once in the 6 months that we've been separated, is playing the victim in the whole situation, left me in the position of telling the children about the D on my own, is trying to get 70% custody...it goes on and on. I have not disagreed with the decision to D and I don't believe in miracles.

All that said, I hear you. I don't want my GF to feel like a back-up plan and it didn't feel good to type what I did. Clearly, a side of me is still living in the fantasy of what I thought my marriage was and who I was married to. I'm not yet healed by a long shot and it makes things difficult in my current R. It would have been healthier to have been alone for a while but that's not what happened and I'm not stopping my life/leaving my GF to go that route now. Enough has been taken from me. If it makes you feel better, we are researching couples counseling to help us move forward. My real point to the OP is that her H is probably far from over her. Even after a disastrous situation, a side of him will probably always wish he'd been able to salvage his marriage, especially with children involved. Then again, maybe not. The OP won't know until she tries and up to this point, she hasn't given him a chance. He may only be dating in an attempt to heal a very damaged ego via external validation as so many others would do the same.

June 30, 2012

I was the one who said when a man is done, he is done.

I stand by my words; however, I appreciate your input as a man on this, BH. You see, you aren't done with your wife. You may have no choice but to be done with her because of her actions...she has pushed your marriage to divorce. But you haven't decided that you are done with your love/relationship/feelings (pick one), not yet. See the difference?

And you may never reach that point. However, if you do...there will likely be no turning back. Your wife could offer everything of herself to you and more and it still wouldn't be enough once you've reached that point. Right now, as you say, she might still be able to reach you if she offered the right emotional currency...

Anyway, it seems like I am arguing with you about your feelings, BH and that is truly not my intent. FWIW, I hope you get to that place of indifference. I wish I would with my WH but I have not, not yet.

Taking this back to the OP...knowing your husband as you do, do you think he might have reached that point of no return in your marriage yet? Either way, if you want to try, all you can do is ask him for a second chance and let him decide what is best for him.

Fair clarification, Snow. I don't disagree. The OP needs to see if he is done.

June 30, 2012

I can see why you would say that. It's simply not true. I love my husband to the very bones :[ I have babies with this beautiful, beautiful man. If you could all just be inside my head for 5 minutes and feel the actual depth of feeling and utter love I have for him.

I know this is not how you treat somebody that you love. I have no excuses or reason. I have nothing.

I have nothing if I don't have him. That's a simple fact.

You love your husband to the very bones, so why jump another man's bones?

Serious question: if you love your husband so much, why Ef his whole life up? Why destroy your marriage? I'd like to know what you were thinking? Even after he left, you still continued the A.

How did you rationalize your affair? Did you justify it some way?

July 1, 2012

You love your husband to the very bones, so why jump another man's bones?

Serious question: if you love your husband so much, why Ef his whole life up? Why destroy your marriage? I'd like to know what you were thinking? Even after he left, you still continued the A.

How did you rationalize your affair? Did you justify it some way?

I am in no way to defend OP's actions, but wouldn't it be possible that she still was/is in a foggy state? When I moved out 2 months after Dday, for 2nd time, STBXW did the same thing.

July 1, 2012

To the OP:

Demonstrate to me what you think you have done to your husband. What pain has he felt? What kick in the pride has he suffered? Do you think you caused him to feel as though he may be less of a man? ...maybe he's just not good enough no matter how much he provided for the family etc? Do you know if he was ever (seriously puke his brains out) sick to his stomach thinking of you with another man? Do you think he may have had a hard time even listening to the damned radio for months?

How much do you think he Cried those times he felt terribly alone and left behind?

Ponder those questions. Then think about what you have done, to what you call, a good man. Then knowing the true agony you suffered upon him, maybe... just maybe... you can know the PRICE HE PAID for YOUR selfish indulgence....

p.s... YES I am projecting my situation here. I hope you can maybe see what the betrayed goes through before you take it upon yourself to try and have him forgive you.

Edited July 1, 2012 by GLDheart

July 1, 2012

I appreciate all of your comments so far.

I have spoken to my husband. He is willing to consider attempting reconciliation.

I'll be honest though. Reading some of your posts has me doubting myself and my motivations. I am doubting whether I am even good for my husband; whether I am healthy enough within myself.

I have been giving the ultimatum that I must end things with OM by the end of the weekend. I am scared and a coward; I cannot fathom hurting my husband again by NOT ending things by the end of today. I cannot fathom hurting OM. I cannot fathom hurting both H & OM by ending things with both and just taking time for myself to be work on myself and just be a mother.

I have some soul searching to do. I don't know best how to approach things and what my course of action must be.

This is where I am at. Yesterday I was overwhelmed with emotion and today I feel numb and almost like I am hovering above this whole situation and watching it through somebody else's eyes.

July 1, 2012

How about a little honesty here. You aren't worried about hurting either one of them. You're worried about hurting you.

July 1, 2012

How about a little honesty here. You aren't worried about hurting either one of them. You're worried about hurting you.

You're so far from the truth it's unreal, but whatever, I can't change your opinion. I've resigned myself to the fact I am going to hurt whichever path I choose.. that's par for the course (and thus, felt it negated the need to mention it to you all). I just can't stand the fact I have allowed a situation to develop where people other than myself are going to get hurt due to my selfish behaviour and choices. Edited July 1, 2012 by rheinhessen
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July 1, 2012

I am in no way to defend OP's actions, but wouldn't it be possible that she still was/is in a foggy state? When I moved out 2 months after Dday, for 2nd time, STBXW did the same thing.

That's what I have a hard time understanding: what is going through the mind of a WS? What role does this "fog" play? Is it like being a giddy teenager with a crush? The OP sounds similar to my WW: seemingly good and loving husband, then still cheats anyways. upon realizing that her husband is leaving, she then wants everything back to "normal" without understanding that things will never be "normal" again.

Even during my wife's affair, she had some rationalizations of why she was doing what she was doing. Even if her rationalizations were very distorted (by the fog???) she was justifying it in her head by any means necessary.

July 1, 2012

I appreciate all of your comments so far.

I have spoken to my husband. He is willing to consider attempting reconciliation.

I'll be honest though. Reading some of your posts has me doubting myself and my motivations. I am doubting whether I am even good for my husband; whether I am healthy enough within myself.

I have been giving the ultimatum that I must end things with OM by the end of the weekend. I am scared and a coward; I cannot fathom hurting my husband again by NOT ending things by the end of today. I cannot fathom hurting OM. I cannot fathom hurting both H & OM by ending things with both and just taking time for myself to be work on myself and just be a mother.

I have some soul searching to do. I don't know best how to approach things and what my course of action must be.

This is where I am at. Yesterday I was overwhelmed with emotion and today I feel numb and almost like I am hovering above this whole situation and watching it through somebody else's eyes.

If you want your husband, then make him number one priority.

Affairs hurt EVERYBODY when they end, so put your H first and do what you have to do.

Your OM is NOT an innocent bystander in all this as he knew you were married. I'm sure he won't be shocked when you tell him it's over and to please not contact you.

If you can't do this, you lose your husband. THis is your chance here, don't blow it. Your husband won't put up with you going back to OM a second time..

July 1, 2012

Are you able to back all of this up with a "Why"? Your husband will most likely need to know how/why you could do this to him, your marriage, and your children. You would not hurt anybody, but you did just that. How will you respond to these type of inquiries?

If you can't answer these questions, then counseling is required for you to understand the whys and hows.

No, sadly I have no reasons why to give him... I mean if I were to give an off-hand reason to someone asking me this second, I would say because I was lonely (my husband did shift work and I had absolutely NO social life for 3 years due to child-care issues - we have never had ANY support from family or friends, so our rare nights out were separately with our friends and not each other) but then that makes me sounds like I'm blaming him for neglecting me, when even if he did neglect me, it's inconsequential becuase I can rationally see that regardless of whether he did or not neglect me, *I* chose to cheat. I have no answer for WHY I made that choice.

July 1, 2012

You can't go back in time and prevent the hurt. All you can do is commit to living the rest of your life authentically and to honor your vows from here forward. Your H is giving you the gift of reconciliation. Make the right decision, even if it is hard, then make the next right decision. You will have to make n incredible number of consecutive right decisions to rebuild your self-esteem and to reearn your Hs trust. One step at a time, one decision at a time. NC is first and you already know it is the right decision. Get it over with and post here when it is done. Then STAY NC and get into IC.

I would say good luck but you don't need luck. You just meed to do the right thing. Your OM should have known better; he's a grown up in an affair with a married woman and you aren't his mommy.

July 1, 2012

If it bothers you to hurt the OM then you've already made your decision in my opinion. And when you start to feel down and sad about yourself, just think about your husband sitting at home alone while you were out screwing some other guy.

July 1, 2012

I can see why you would say that. It's simply not true. I love my husband to the very bones :[ I have babies with this beautiful, beautiful man. If you could all just be inside my head for 5 minutes and feel the actual depth of feeling and utter love I have for him.

I know this is not how you treat somebody that you love. I have no excuses or reason. I have nothing.

I have nothing if I don't have him. That's a simple fact.

What a shift from this previous post.

Your husband began dating and it became the end of world for you and as soon as you convinced your husband to give you another chance, you ain't so sure again.

You were not afraid of losing your husband only afraid of losing your control over him.

You don't want him but don't you want anyone else to have him.

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After a 5 month EA, 2 of those months PA - how can I reconcile with my husband?

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