BlazePT Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 (edited) Hello, people This is an analogy that I made that I hope it helps putting things into a bit of perspective. It shows, from my point of view, a way to "Gauge" the various components of our minds, when we're in a relationship, when we're dumped and when we're simply single, as well as watch it from a third-person perspective. It might relate to some of you . Ok, first of all these are the components that will matter in our comprehensive approach: Confidence: This is what gives you that security that you generally need in order to overcome the various obstacles that are thrown into your way. Ego: Not much to say to this. This is basically what brings you colour for your world and helps you like yourself for what you are or what you do in life. Self-esteem: This is what allows you to accept yourself for who you are, and it's also related to the way others see you: If people around you like what they see in you, you'll be much cooler and acceptive with who you are. Independence: The way you tackle life's obstacles, without needing anyone to back you up or give you emotional support. General Happiness: This might be seen as a sum of all of the other components. It shows how happy you are in your life. Pretty straight-forward. All gauges are on a scale of 1 to 20. Try to imagine these gauges as something really material, for the sake of the illustration, like the car's fuel gauge or your bike's pump air gauge. Please keep in mind that these values might vary, according to different people and life-styles. 1st Stage - Being simply alone/single Ok, first things first. Let's suppose you've never dated or that you've casually dated but you've never loved anyone to the point where you loved a person almost more than you've even loved yourself, or even that you've moved on from a Long-Term Relationship with someone you've really loved: confidence:12/20 ego:11/20 self-esteem:12/20 independence:18/20 general happiness:11/20 As you can see, most of your components are slightly in the middle, except for your independence: since you don't really rely on anyone to back you up too much, you're used to do things on your own, without much help from outside. Also, because you probably haven't experienced anything really different in your life, you might have fallen into a kind of boredom with your routine and everyday life. Hence the general happiness gauge being also at middle. Additionally, you have an original perception of what reality is for you, as well as what makes you feel complete. This perception generally tends to maintain itself for some time, unless some traumatic event occurs in your life. _________________________________________________________________ 2nd Stage - Falling in love / Beginning to date This is you when you start dating someone that you might not even love that much at start, but you have kind of a crush for that person, and you know that person loves you already. This can also be described as the honeymoon phase. confidence:18/20 ego:19/20 self-esteem: 20/20 independence: 16/20 general happiness: 18/20 So, now you see that you feel really good, since you know that not only someone's in love for you for just the way you are ,you're in love with that person as well. Sure, both of you have flaws, but these are easily overlooked when you're in this phase. You see the world with rose-tinted glasses and the world itself seems to have gained more colour. You now go to the same places you did when you were single, maybe do the same things, but it all has a different and better TASTE. You LIKE those things EVEN MORE. You love who you are and you're loved the way you are. There's nothing that can put you down. You love life. You love the fact that you're alive. You love all that surrounds you. You're making wonderful memories and you're probably not even aware of it. You're proud to go to the mall with your partner. You're proud to show people your partner. You're happy to know that you're no longer alone. You watch how people envy your new life, because maybe they're single or simply because you seem much more happy than they are, whether they're single or committed. Looking at the gauges, your confidence, ego and self-esteem SKY-ROCKETS, and your general happiness increases as well. However, general happiness might vary to higher or lower, according to the other problems one might have in their life, such as financial, health or work issues. Your independence, however, roughly keeps the same. This phase might last from a few weeks to 6 months. _______________________________________________________________ 3rd stage: Loving somebody/ Getting used to that person At this stage, you feel like your life is not single anymore. You don't think as one person anymore, but rather always think for you and your partner. You tend to put your partner in first place at everything, do favours for him/her, plan things with him/her, etc. You might even make the common mistake (as i did) of taking that person for granted. So, this is where you stand: confidence:16/20 ego:16/20 self-esteem: 16/20 independence: 13/20 general happiness: 16/20 If you've reached this phase, you now know what is unconditional love. You might not be in love with that person as you were before, but you've inconsciously created a shelter: no matter what's thrown in your way, you know that there's always someone that accepts you for who you are and you can always call or meet that person for some emotional support, when it's needed. So, it leads us to the HUGE change that many of us don't even realise that is happening: Our minds have created a NEW component: CO - dependency : 16/20 When you're in a relationship and someone questions you about this, you might even say "Ah, that's not my case... I didn't need anyone before and I was happy; so the fact that I have someone doesn't mean that I won't be able to be happy with myself or that I won't be able to cope with taking decisions only by myself." .... Well, yeah, some people might even mean this, but let's face it: The LARGE majority of us, when in a LTR, get used to taking important decisions and making big plans always with our partner in our minds and we don't even know it, but we're getting used to it. We often rely on him/her for emotional support, as said above. We are in a new life-style and probably don't even remember or even care of how we were when we didn't have this person in our life. Truth is, we became a two-minded person. We rely on them and they rely on us. It's as simple as that. We tend to put their needs first and they do the same to us. It gets under our skin and we're not even aware of it. As seen above, most of our gauges are middle-high but our independence as fallen, and we're not even aware of it. Our NEW gauge, however, is middle-high as well and it will tend to climb exponentionally as the time passes. There are huge changes going on in our minds right now. The problem sometimes is that we feel them, but we can't describe them and can feel unconfortable by them. We know that they're good, but sometimes we're also scared of them. Our perception of reality has also changed. You are kind of aware of it, and you like it! But sometimes you might even think that at some point your previous reality had some moments when maybe you were happier when you didn't have this person. You might start to wonder whether you still love this person or not. You might even feel that the fact that this person is next to you doesn't affect your happiness in ANY way, and that you were happier before. However, deep inside of you, you KNOW that you love them. You can't even imagine not being with this person. This thinking can sometimes lead to GIGS and eventually a short-term breakup: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome Additionally, all the places you go, all the things you do, whether it is a dinner with your family and your partner, going to a place that made you happy where you used to go when you were a child, going out with friends and your partner, are ALL creating new MEMORIES. They are getting ATTACHED to your mind. If you trust your partner deeply and give ALL your heart to that him/her, to the point that you KNOW that that person is a part of you, and you can be YOURSELF FULLY around that person, without being afraid of doing something that'll make you feel ashamed, you can't help but relate EVERY single thing you do to that person, because after all, that person IS you and you ARE that person. Were you even aware of it? _________________________________________________________________ 4th stage: The Long-Term Relationship As time passes by, you feel like it's a normal thing to have that person around. You probably live with them and get to see him/her everyday. You know that this person loves you and you love them and somehow it's keeping you together and solid as a person. However, because you also now know this person better than anyone else, you know their flaws as well and some of them might start to get into your nerves, like bad habits that they have such as lazyness, lack of higiene, stupid jokes, clumsiness, leaving the house like a war-zone, drinking, coming home late in the night, and others. The rose-tinted glasses are long gone, at this phase. It is VERY natural to feel that you could be happier. It's very common to have thoughts of "what if", whether you imagine being single or being with another person rather than your partner. As for the gauges, they are as follows: confidence:14/20 ego:14/20 self-esteem: 14/20 independence: 9/20 co-dependency: 18/20 general happiness: 14/20 So, at this phase, you now are happy... sort of. You love them, and they love you, fair enough. But maybe you're not "in love" with each other anymore. Sure, you still have that person to back you up and give you emotional support, but sometimes you feel like something is missing. Perhaps you are spending too much time with your partner and are getting too used to each other, making your relationship more of a habit and a routine. If one party or both are not making an effort to innovate in their relationship, it will become stale. The relationship might be at risk, at this point. It can be saved, no doubt about it, but both parties must be aware of what changes they have to make and have the guts and determination to do it. If they have, it only gets better from here on. This is what I call the "crisis phase". It can be seen as the point of no return. It's a point where both parties might have the potential to build something stronger, but also have the potential to make it all crumble apart. From this stage on, either it continues with more and more and more fights leading to a breakup or it gets stronger than oak. None of the parties, however, want to even consider breaking up. It might be because of fear of being alone, jumping into the unknown, or afraid of not making the right decision. So, most of us tend to prolong this for many months... _________________________________________________________________ 5th stage: The "Break(up)" Ok, let's suppose that things really were bad. You had a relationship that fell into a routine or habit or that the fights were very often... You still love this person in some way and that person still loves you as well... But let's suppose that it isn't enough. Ok, this scenario might be familiar for many of us: You're on your own, wake up to a normal day... You have breakfast with your partner, you say goodbye to him/her like every single day for the past 5 years... You go to your work, have a drink with your friends, catch up, etc. You go to lunch, watch a little TV, call your partner to just ask what they're doing... It's all OK, aparently. The day ends, you go home, take of your shoes, put yourself comfortable, kiss your wife/husband, and sit on the couch, relaxing for a little. Then, your partner suddenly appears, with a not-so-happy face... You ask "Is everything ok...?" To which they just freeze... They've been thinking about this maybe for some time, talking about it with friends, maybe... but never had the courage of actually coming up to this point. They are nervous, anxious, afraid... But they finally say it... "We need to talk." On a fraction of a second, you feel fear, anxiety, your heart's racing, your hands are shaking, you start to sweat, your skin is getting white. As the talk progresses, you feel even worse, you are afraid of the future, you start to panic, you both cry, you might start to beg, plead, promise that you'll change, and maybe even forget that YOU have thought of one day taking this step, but you thought that you couldn't handle being alone or even imagining your partner with someone else... You both might start to bargain and talk of the things that might change things, but your partner still asks at least for a "break". You respect it. You make your best efforts not to call, text or show up to them for days that go by, but at the same time, you feel an enormous void on your chest that was once filled with something that you weren't even aware of. The thought alone of being single tears you apart. You can't even imagine what it's like to be single again. You don't know where to turn to. You can't sleep, you can't eat, you can only think of him/her. You're obsessing with the fact that they no longer need you in their life. You see their profile on Facebook: they put pictures of themselves with other people, and they're apparently happy! You feel like a knife was shot from a cannon and passed right through your stomach. You start to wonder if they already have their eye on someone else... Or that maybe they've actually chose to leave for someone else! You talk to your friends, your family... They do what they can to comfort you but there's really nothing they can do to make you feel better. They'll tell you things like "(S)he will come back" or "Don't worry, I'm sure they're just confused" or "Hey mate, they're still plenty of fish in the sea..." The days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into months... You don't hear from them... You finally start to give up hope. You're starting to plan your life being single again. You try to remember what it was like when you were single... And most importantly, you TRY not to think of your now EX with someone else. So, this is the stage that no one ever even thinked of when they were on the relationship. The gauges are as follows: confidence:1/20 ego:1/20 self-esteem: 1/20 independence: 4/20 co-dependency: 20/20 general happiness: 1/20 So, you are now left in pieces. You try to make sense of it all. Your brain goes effing-haywire. You try to connect the dots in your head, but unfortunately, they're not numbered. Most importantly, you are afraid. You are afraid of the future. You are afraid of not finding love anymore. You tend to cling to the hope that your ex might realise they made a mistake and come back, but after some time, you cease to have hope. You try to pick up your pieces and make a new sense of life. You try to make new goals. You try to keep yourself busy, but somehow, your head is FLOODED with thoughts of your ex. The fact is, although many people think like they're still in love with that person when they left, they might actually be feeling the emotional wreck of when someone stops loving you... The way I see it now, 2 months post-BU, I really do think that what I felt(still feel) was not really related to the fact that I still loved her. I think that it's the natural reaction of when someone stops loving you. You feel rejection. And, because of millions of years of evolution, you panic. The thought of being alone creeps you out. Besides, your ego and self-esteem are really down in the dumps, since now you ceased to have that validation that was natural, when you were together with your ex. You start to wonder whether you really are a good and loveable person and that is self-destructive, but it's really the only thing that you have right now. This is the time when you start posting threads here on LS and searching furiously for similar situations and ways of getting back with your ex. This might not be because you love them. It is in fact ways that your subconscious mind has of trying to feed the ego and self-esteem and try to make sense of it all. Think to yourself: If your ex came back, how would you feel? You would probably feel exactly the way you felt when he/she first told you that they love you the way you are: That HUGE Ego boost. You might even think that you miss your ex, but some time after, you think to yourself "Do I really miss him/her or do I miss having someone?" _________________________________________________________________ 6th stage: The Aftermath So, now you know that your ex is gone. There's no chance they'll come back. How do you feel? Well, from personal experience, this is the way I put it: Every single place you used to like to go to, every single song you used to like to listen, every person you once liked to meet up with, every movie that you once liked to see... It all stopped making sense. Even being with your family is somehow strange... There's no place you go to where you don't relate it to your ex. You are walking through the city, passing through places that once made you happy, but you feel like you're walking through a war-zone now: it's like everything has been bombed from above and what's left is only the ruins of what sometime in the past was something beautiful. I often like to imagine that those places are now still burning from the bombing as I pass by them and that helps me see things in a more illustrative way. And these are the gauges: confidence:3/20 ego:4/20 self-esteem: 4/20 independence: 6/20 co-dependency: 17/20 general happiness: 3/20 You now have a totally different perspective of reality: you might even start to wonder if you really were in a relationship! If it wasn't all just a really good dream, since now you are in touch with this dreadful reality. You somehow now feel that this reality you're in has really been here all the time. You just didn't notice it. You start to wonder whether this is all that it is, really; if there's really nothing beyond this. You have an identity crisis... You ask questions to yourself like "Who the hell am I and what am I doing here? What is my purpose in life? What's the sense in all of this? " But slowly, as you pick up the pieces, you start to see that life does in fact continue! However, you are still haunted by the memories of your ex. You still would prefer to have them in your life. The thought of them with someone else makes you throw up, especially the intimate thoughts. You try your best effort not to think of it and you know that with time you won't think of it as much, even though it hurts like a muthaf*kr right now. Somehow, you're starting to accept this new life. You didn't ask for it, but you now you know that you must have this mindset: This is the reality I'm in. And really, it's the only true reality. The only thing that is for certain in this life is that the only person we can always rely on until we die is ourselves. If I don't accept this and start to learn to live with this, I'm only setting me up for more disappointments like this in my life. I'm going to learn to live by myself, be happy with myself and most importantly, give much more value to every person that loves me and that I love. I will live my day like it is my last. I will make my best efforts to help those around me. And most importantly, I'm going to take this as an opportunity to make myself a better person and learn from the mistakes I made in my relationship. So, guys, this is really it. I hope you've enjoyed it. I'm planning to post more stuff like this when I'm at a greater stage from my breakup. Hope I've helped you guys in some way! Best regards, BlazePT _______________________________________________________ Edited June 30, 2012 by BlazePT
Mariana345 Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 (edited) I found it really interesting but I have one question... What "LTR breakup" means? ** Edited Never mind... Long Term Relationship XD Uhm... I think is quite accurate. But I'm still at the end of 5th stage, between accepting it and hoping for reconciliation... but I don't know why I can't deal with accepting the breakup... :/ Edited July 2, 2012 by Mariana345
Author BlazePT Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 Uhm... I think is quite accurate. But I'm still at the end of 5th stage, between accepting it and hoping for reconciliation... but I don't know why I can't deal with accepting the breakup... :/ Hey Mariana, it's only normal. It's only been a month since your BU. I'm struggling as well and 2 months have already passed by! Even just a few hours ago, I was thinking of things that I could've made better and things that made her be mad at me or things that she did that were stupid... Things are still raw and it depends from person to person. Relax, give it time
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