planet Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 I've have been dating my gf for over a year and she is amazing person. She cares about everyone (including homeless people) a lot. I have lot of respect for her. But I have to break up with her due to few reasons that I can't avoid. I am dragging this break up for over 4 months now but can't seem to have courage to tell the truth because I care about her a lot. She has been through a LOT of heartbreaking things in her life since childhood and I feel immense guilt for adding more pain in her life. What should I do?
Fizzleedge Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 What are your reasons for breaking up with her then? If you don't want to do and u love her, then nothing in the world should stop you... I don't get this??
TaraMaiden Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Yeah, sorry. Too vague. Can't really give an accurate insight unless things are a little clearer...
KatZee Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 I've have been dating my gf for over a year and she is amazing person. She cares about everyone (including homeless people) a lot. I have lot of respect for her. But I have to break up with her due to few reasons that I can't avoid. I am dragging this break up for over 4 months now but can't seem to have courage to tell the truth because I care about her a lot. She has been through a LOT of heartbreaking things in her life since childhood and I feel immense guilt for adding more pain in her life. What should I do? I think you should feel guiltier for staying with her out of pity rather than just being honest. She deserves a guy who's going to genuinely want to be with her. Not one that's been thinking thoughts of break up for months on end. I don't think any extra information is needed here at all. You're not happy. I don't think it matters why, you just know you're not, and to drag it on is much crueler than being honest. Trust me. 1
Author planet Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 I think you should feel guiltier for staying with her out of pity rather than just being honest. She deserves a guy who's going to genuinely want to be with her. Not one that's been thinking thoughts of break up for months on end. I don't think any extra information is needed here at all. You're not happy. I don't think it matters why, you just know you're not, and to drag it on is much crueler than being honest. Trust me. Thank You.
BlazePT Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Could you give more details of why exactly do you really feel like the breakup is the best option?
TaraMaiden Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I'm still waiting for the mysterious 'reasons' you mentioned in the OP....
Author planet Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 I'm still waiting for the mysterious 'reasons' you mentioned in the OP.... From your perspective you might laugh at it or think its not a big deal so I didn't put the reason here. I am from a conservative culture, I had only 2 longterm girlfriends before her but I recently found out from her that she had sex with 50+ men. I couldn't tolerate this fact and its a deal breaker for me. She thinks I am overreacting and says some men likes experienced woman and you should too!
Exit Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Whoa I think that would be a definite deal breaker for many people. Stop hesitating and get out of there lol. If she found 50 men before she'll find another one pretty quickly and she'll have someone to keep her company, you don't need to feel guilty.
Samilia Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Whoa I think that would be a definite deal breaker for many people. Stop hesitating and get out of there lol. If she found 50 men before she'll find another one pretty quickly and she'll have someone to keep her company, you don't need to feel guilty. I think that if I had a problem with it, that would be a reflection of my own insecurity. But again it's your belief so I'll have to respect them. All I can say is break up with her now, don't string her along if you aren't serious, because it seems to me that miss 50 guys is being honest with you, and you aren't.
TaraMaiden Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 From your perspective you might laugh at it or think its not a big deal so I didn't put the reason here. I am from a conservative culture, I had only 2 longterm girlfriends before her but I recently found out from her that she had sex with 50+ men. I couldn't tolerate this fact and its a deal breaker for me. She thinks I am overreacting and says some men likes experienced woman and you should too! This is an extraordinarily common 'gripe' voiced on these boards; the number of previous partners. Curiously, AFAIK, every single poster/member who has voiced concerns and reservations with regard to previous sexual partners, have been men. I have, as far as I can remember, not seen any threads begun by any woman, voicing a concern about her male partner's athletic past. it seems to be a distinctly 'male' problem; Because it would appear that while a man can sow his wild oats and have a good time playing the field, he's a buck-stud, but when a woman sows her wild oats and has a good time in similar fashion, she's a slut-tramp. Whatever your view on the matter, this is a double standard. It's a conditioned impression, harking back to times when it was an accepted social norm that a man would have wenches and mistresses, but a woman, being viewed as the personal property of her husband or betrothed, was made to wear a chastity belt. How many previous partners do you believe your lady should have had? Less than you? As many? None? Why is this? What influences you to make you believe that a certain number is fine, but another certain number isn't? I'm not asking these questions to be argumentative. I'm asking genuine questions to make you think, and to enable to correlate your responses with her personality, manner and character in general. 4
BlazePT Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 This is an extraordinarily common 'gripe' voiced on these boards; the number of previous partners. Curiously, AFAIK, every single poster/member who has voiced concerns and reservations with regard to previous sexual partners, have been men. I have, as far as I can remember, not seen any threads begun by any woman, voicing a concern about her male partner's athletic past. it seems to be a distinctly 'male' problem; Because it would appear that while a man can sow his wild oats and have a good time playing the field, he's a buck-stud, but when a woman sows her wild oats and has a good time in similar fashion, she's a slut-tramp. Whatever your view on the matter, this is a double standard. It's a conditioned impression, harking back to times when it was an accepted social norm that a man would have wenches and mistresses, but a woman, being viewed as the personal property of her husband or betrothed, was made to wear a chastity belt. How many previous partners do you believe your lady should have had? Less than you? As many? None? Why is this? What influences you to make you believe that a certain number is fine, but another certain number isn't? I'm not asking these questions to be argumentative. I'm asking genuine questions to make you think, and to enable to correlate your responses with her personality, manner and character in general. As much as I wouldn't like to admit it, I think Tara's right. I remember that at the beginning of my previous relationship I was kind of bugged to know that she already had sex with other people (I was virgin). However, some time afterwards, I realised that it just wasn't my business. Just because she already had had sex, doesn't mean that she wouldn't be a good partner, which she was. I was being a bit childish. I think that people (like me) often tend to make sex a big deal. So, to the OP, I would really think well about that before I made such a big step, just because she had sex before with many other guys. Does that make her love you less? Does that make her treat sex with you just as a routine? I'm sorry, buddy, but the way I see it, I would come up with a better reason to break it off. For instance, if you had just stopped loving her, and you didn't even know why (which happens to many people), or something like that, then it would be a better reason to pull such a move. Now, if you love her but just can't stand the idea of her having had sex with other people, no offense but you might wanna change the way you think about it, or in the long run, you might struggle a lot with such issue. Just my 2 cents.
Author planet Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 I think because there are some differences in how male and women find their partners. For Men: 1. They have to work at it..sometimes a lot 2. Men's physical and internal qualities (many times social and financial status) are judged before women agree for sex 3. There is physical limit to how much sex men can have in a day 4. Most men are expected by the society to succeed in many other areas of life which limits their time to find a sex partner. For Women: 1. You just have to look pretty and stand in the corner in a bar or read a book at starbucks to find sex partners 2. There are no physical limitations, only moral ones. If a woman does not have any moral restrictions to sex, her numbers can easily go to triple digits. Also, Humans are animals and we have inherited certain psychological traits that are not rational. I agree men's attitude is biased towards sex, but it is based on deep rooted traits. Men who think it rationally still don't feel comfortable when they have to think about their partners past. Women don't judge men by number of sex partners, but they do have other shallow criteria as well, for example, if a guy is still living with his mother or if he is a nerd etc. Most women also like to have sex with the "Bad Boys" in their younger years and then later try to find the Nice Guy to settle with. By definition the Nice Guy will have very few sex partners! Bad Boys were bad boys because they spent most of their time finding sex partners and little on their education and careers. So women do care about numbers but INDIRECTLY. This is an extraordinarily common 'gripe' voiced on these boards; the number of previous partners. Curiously, AFAIK, every single poster/member who has voiced concerns and reservations with regard to previous sexual partners, have been men. I have, as far as I can remember, not seen any threads begun by any woman, voicing a concern about her male partner's athletic past. it seems to be a distinctly 'male' problem;
WeAllMightBeNuts Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Well, we have to look at percentages/amounts and gather from that a "reasonable" norm. What that number is...I'm not sure. My common-Spidey-sense thinks that 50 is a high amount compared to averages for a woman AND a man depending on age. To tell you the truth, I have no idea why you would ask a woman this or why she would volunteer the information. I tell them if it comes up "I don't care where you've been as much as where we are going." And in the context of this discussion...I don't.
TaraMaiden Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 I think because there are some differences in how male and women find their partners. ..... 4. Most men are expected by the society to succeed in many other areas of life which limits their time to find a sex partner. Yet the more women a man seems able to bed, the greater his status and reputation as a stud. If a woman does not have any moral restrictions to sex, her numbers can easily go to triple digits. Wait a minute... are you saying men neither need, or should have 'morals'...? You think a man is limited by his sexual prowess, but a woman has to consider her morals? If this isn't weighing things up with your thumb on the scales, i don't know what is.... So women do care about numbers but INDIRECTLY. The difference being that, women don't start threads criticising questioning or condemning the men for sleeping with a lot of women. Are these women projecting loose morals, do you think, or is it the men who actually have none for themselves, but plenty for the women? Gimme a break....
fetish1980 Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 O/P If this is a deal breaker, this is a deal breaker for you... period. End of story Since it bothers you to the point you have to break up, do it immediately. One thing i've learned is not to stay in anything out of obligation. If you need to break up, at least do it for yourself. Whatever the reason, due to religious values like you expressed, it is important not to settle for someone who goes against those values. Some guy's egos are crushed when they know they're women have been around more than them. There's all kinds of reasons. But i see a life of misery and pain as long as you prolong this process. You will be unhappy and in turn, you will inadvertently end up making her unhappy. fetish
Author planet Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 Yet the more women a man seems able to bed, the greater his status and reputation as a stud. Wait a minute... are you saying men neither need, or should have 'morals'...? You think a man is limited by his sexual prowess, but a woman has to consider her morals? I am saying men (singles) have no moral values to begin with as far as sex is concerned but their sex partners are limited due to other reasons, while for women the only limiting criteria is her looks and morals (if she chooses to have).
Author planet Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 O/P If this is a deal breaker, this is a deal breaker for you... period. End of story Since it bothers you to the point you have to break up, do it immediately. One thing i've learned is not to stay in anything out of obligation. If you need to break up, at least do it for yourself. Whatever the reason, due to religious values like you expressed, it is important not to settle for someone who goes against those values. Some guy's egos are crushed when they know they're women have been around more than them. There's all kinds of reasons. But i see a life of misery and pain as long as you prolong this process. You will be unhappy and in turn, you will inadvertently end up making her unhappy. fetish Thanks man..i wish life was that simple. It hurts but I have made the decision to be just friends with her.
Samilia Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 I am saying men (singles) have no moral values to begin with as far as sex is concerned but their sex partners are limited due to other reasons, while for women the only limiting criteria is her looks and morals (if she chooses to have). Yeah I beg to differ... men do have moral values, single or not. My brother does, my good friend does. To chose to call men pigs usually is a stereotype attributed to the opposite sex.. Women are not limited by their beauty, if it was the case, I'd have a guy in my bed every night, I don't. You can defend your position however you want, just accept the fact that you're hurt someone got to play with you "toy" before you did, so you don't want it anymore. But I think we got ourselves a troll, so I'll walk away.
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