Not quite show how I feel...

[NateC]

Some of this is a "vent" if you will because I need to get it off my chest...but here goes.

 

I'm 22 (my birthday's today, actually) and have never had a girlfriend or even had my first kiss. I'm not too worked up about that because well, it happens...but that also means I'm probably clueless even though I've been helpful to others with this sort of thing (the 'ol take your own advice phrase? Yeah, that).

 

Anyway...I've been friends with this girl I met at college last year. I graduated, and she has three years left. The college is a half hour away and she lives two hours away from me. I got to know her through my circle of friends...then we started hanging out a lot at school (both residents). It progressed to almost every day I'd see her or we'd at least talk.

 

Now...she ended up dating another guy she knew before me. It lasted a month before he ended it since he was transferring out (I mean, who does that...). She was understandably crushed and probably still is...as she talks to me about it sometimes.

 

After school ended, we've been texting each other basically every single day. Sometimes I start the convo, other times she does. It's always friendly conversation...but I really feel like we connect extremely well. I've gone to see her a few times at her house and met the parents and all of that, so I thought things were going well until when I finally asked her out.

 

Well, you know the result of that otherwise I wouldn't be posting here.

 

However...even though I was turned down, we still kept talking to each other and I've been to her house since. We've even become closer friends than before...going to the movies and whatever. While I do really like her, I know how she feels about me...but I can't shake the feeling.

 

Why? I don't know. It's one of those things I can't really describe...until tonight when she was talking about her being happy...and she talked about maybe (a big "maybe") going fwb with another guy she had feelings for at first but the guy didn't want a relationship (basically, fwb).

 

And now, that's where I'm at. So confused and completely in the dark about how I should feel or what I should do.

[jobaba]

I give this advice every time to young guys like you ... and EVERY time I know you guys will ignore it.

 

For a guy like you (no action yet at age 22), it has to be a numbers game. I may be selling you short. You are still young so you may not have reached your full baseline potential yet. But let's say worse case scenario, you're not the most desirable guy. Here's what to do...

 

1) This current girl. If you have no feelings for her, then by all means continue to hang with her. If you do, cut all ties immediately and do not interact with her. Why do you want to be around her when it's obvious that she wants to f%ck other guys? Don't torture yourself.

 

2) Don't be friends first. Numbers. Get to know many women and express interest early. If it's a no, jump out of the plane and pull the cord. Next!

 

That's about it.

 

I know what you're thinking... "Jobaba, women will like me for who I am and fall for me once they get to know me."

 

The 22 year old me would have said the same thing to me now. And I had to learn the hard way, by spending time around women, falling for them, and coming out with zilch in the end because there was no physical attraction on her end.

 

You are looking for...

 

1) Girls who are physically attracted to you.

 

2) Girls who will give you a chance if #1 is not particularly true.

 

You can establish that right away. Everything else comes after...

[NateC]

Your advice does make sense...and it's something I should have followed to begin with. I don't have the heart to just break all ties with her since we are close friends, so that's the tough part.

 

I understand, though. I'm not 100% hung up on her because I do try to get to know other people and not rely on my feelings for her. I'm just starting my life after college so I still have a ways.

 

It's funny...I thought I'd have a bit more luck since I've helped a few of my friends maintain their own relationships or just be able to listen and help...but for myself, oi...so much more difficult.

Edited June 29, 2012 by NateC

[jobaba]

Buck up young camper. Just try not to invest in women who are not attracted to you. Don't think they will come around. #1 mistake of young (and even a few older) men worldwide.

 

Also, Happy Birthday bud...

Edited June 29, 2012 by jobaba

[danm]

Sorry dude, its a common situation all too often heard around here.

 

I think you've become the friend she's too close to be in a relationship with.

 

She's also made it clear she isnt interested in you; and even mentioned other guys she IS interested in doing things with.

 

You have sadly got into a situation where it is acceptable to talk that way - because you ARE friends - but because there is now an interest, that friendship and topic becomes a bit awkward.

 

You can only accept defeat here.

 

Remain friends, and date elsewhere.

 

OR

 

Phase out the friendship if it makes you too uncomfortable to see her with other people. Because she has declined you AND talked up other guys. You aren't in her picture. Sorry.

[NateC]

Sorry dude, its a common situation all too often heard around here.

 

I think you've become the friend she's too close to be in a relationship with.

 

She's also made it clear she isnt interested in you; and even mentioned other guys she IS interested in doing things with.

 

You have sadly got into a situation where it is acceptable to talk that way - because you ARE friends - but because there is now an interest, that friendship and topic becomes a bit awkward.

 

You can only accept defeat here.

 

Remain friends, and date elsewhere.

 

OR

 

Phase out the friendship if it makes you too uncomfortable to see her with other people. Because she has declined you AND talked up other guys. You aren't in her picture. Sorry.

 

Yeah...this isn't the first time it's happened with a girl either, which makes it even harder. On the plus side, I'm still friends with the other girl as well so I can probably handle it with time.

 

Live and learn I suppose.

[danm]

Exactly mate! As hard and ****ty as it might feel right now, time will heal EVERYTHING! Don't dwell on it too much if you can try to. Keep occupied, see other people. Heck, without you always there, she might realise what she could be missing out!

 

I was in your situation many times at university. You get so casually close to people that they overlook you as the romantic interest and more the shoulder to cry on.

 

There's a fine line between being the nice guy you are/want to be - and being the nice guy with the romantic interest.

 

Life is a massive learning curve. From what I learnt, just be bold with your intentions. If you want something, just go and try to get it. Nothing says fail than didnt try, and you tried!

 

If you get a bad response, and get shot down, keep actively seeking the next in line. ALWAYS have a plan B,C,D,E... It'll soothe any pain and keep you on your toes for the next

[luvinthesun]

I think you need to start being around other women...and be desireable in her eyes. I think u r in the dreaded friend zone. Start ignoring her. Make her wonder. Be elusive. Make her get your attention

[Balzac]

Two words: emotional tampon.

 

Give up the friendship.

 

 

Happy Birthday!

[ascendotum]

Been in a similar situation before and it sucks when the girl you really like and have a connection with prefers to have sex with guys who don't find her all that special beyond what she does for them when naked. As you said 'live & learn'.

If you enjoy her company as a friend still hang out with her, but not if you still burn a candle for her and hope you can win her over. No way. If you can't stop thinking about her then cut right back on the meetings, and just use email/phone. A better bet is try to use her to expand your social life, by going to parties she knows about, or meet up with her when she is out at a club/bar with her gfs that you can get to know.

Don't get narky on her, because she doesn't see how special you are, but dial down any sort of intimate conversations you might have with her. Change the subject if she tries to tell you about any drama she has with her ****-buddy. Start looking around for another girl and as J said...try to not go down the friends first path.

[NateC]

she just wants friends. go ask another girl out.

Yeah, I realized that and am doing so. I wasn't really hanging on her because she's turned me down before ...I learned from previous experience.

 

he's deep in it. he's out of high school. this kiddle school stuff. make her wonder, be elusive, ignore her is junior high school. he has to go for another woman

Exactly. I'm out of college now, so even that environment is out.

Two words: emotional tampon.

 

Give up the friendship.

 

 

Happy Birthday!

 

don't give that up. he's 22 with no real experience. he could use some females who aren't prospects to discus potential prospects.

I'm with gg smith on this one. I actually have more female friends than male friends because I connect extremely well with them (I've been told this on many occasions). Even though I have 0 dating experience I'm good at reading people ...and girls especially like to have someone to talk to who won't judge them and understands. Emotional tampon? Not really.

Been in a similar situation before and it sucks when the girl you really like and have a connection with prefers to have sex with guys who don't find her all that special beyond what she does for them when naked. As you said 'live & learn'.

If you enjoy her company as a friend still hang out with her, but not if you still burn a candle for her and hope you can win her over. No way. If you can't stop thinking about her then cut right back on the meetings, and just use email/phone. A better bet is try to use her to expand your social life, by going to parties she knows about, or meet up with her when she is out at a club/bar with her gfs that you can get to know.

Don't get narky on her, because she doesn't see how special you are, but dial down any sort of intimate conversations you might have with her. Change the subject if she tries to tell you about any drama she has with her ****-buddy. Start looking around for another girl and as J said...try to not go down the friends first path.

Yeah, pretty much. I've refrained from starting conversation with her these past couple days because really...it's what I need right now. I'm not breaking the friendship off, but I'm backing away a bit so I can collect my own emotions and put everything at ease.

 

Thanks everyone for the advice so far. It really helps to just talk things out and get different views. I'm a frequent lurker on these forums especially when I really need that "other" viewpoint on certain things.

[NateC]

you're going to meet a female you're have the hots for. let it be known that you're intrested romantically quickly. you got to do it that way.

Yeah...I've learned that.

 

Now I'm in another sort of...well, interesting situation I guess it could be called. I became good friends with this girl last year (living in the same dorm...go figure right?). We first became friends through me being a resident assistant in that particular dorm...so we talked and whatever. She had a boyfriend, so it was strictly friendship (if it's one thing I'm against, it's going after someone who's taken). She's really attractive and we became best friends (her words) because I always talked to her and helped her through her personal issues (she had a few friends, but trusted me the most).

 

Now today her boyfriend dumped her via text because "he lost feelings for her". Naturally, she's completely crushed...and, being the friend that I am, talked to her to help her calm down. Now she wants me to visit next weekend to hang out and talk. Okay, fine...

 

Now, the problem: she's very attractive and I'm afraid of letting this factor get in the way. I 1) don't want to be a rebound, and 2) don't want to take advantage of her emotional distress. What do you recommend I do to help keep things "in check" when I go visit?

[NateC]

visit but limit your time. don't hit on her. meet new girls as potentials.

 

Yeah, I don't plan to hit on her or anything like that. I'm at the stage where I'm trying to focus on other things other than this girl I was talking about initially. Funny how my way of dealing with stuff in my personal life is to help others with theirs.

[danm]

...or play the dirty ace card and if you happen to be out on the tiles with her one night getting drunk, make sure you have a few extra for dutch courage.

 

let the wind take you, and be a chancer for at least a drunk snog.

 

you never know where it can lead you.

 

itll either give you closure in that you at least tasted success with her once, drunk or not, and the aftermath if she gets funny about it only helps you distancing the friendship (helps you move on to other girls)

 

or itll spur her to pursue you and want more, which is what ur after!

 

win/win to me.

[NateC]

...or play the dirty ace card and if you happen to be out on the tiles with her one night getting drunk, make sure you have a few extra for dutch courage.

 

let the wind take you, and be a chancer for at least a drunk snog.

 

you never know where it can lead you.

 

itll either give you closure in that you at least tasted success with her once, drunk or not, and the aftermath if she gets funny about it only helps you distancing the friendship (helps you move on to other girls)

 

or itll spur her to pursue you and want more, which is what ur after!

 

win/win to me.

 

I absolutely do not agree with this...taking advantage of a friend is just...wrong. Plus, she's not 21 (I don't drink anyway).

 

At any rate, I've pretty much moved on with her. It's day 3 of zero texts to or from her...and I'm okay with that.

[danm]

meh, each to their own I guess!

 

guess ur from the usa. seems a lot easier in england.