Friend's stbxw commited suicide... I'm at a loss of what to say... what now..?

[burningashes]

(NOTE TO MODS: I put this in the break up section, please feel free to move this, I honestly didn't know where to put this... sorry, and thank you.)

 

Before we start, the history I'm about to tell you between my two friends are relevant to the following information later in the post, so please bear with me. It's difficult for me to write everything down cohesively, with so much that's happened in such a short time span of only two weeks..

 

History

 

Something very tragic recently happened. I am good friends with two people, let's call them Sara and Dan. They dated for a while when they were much younger in high school- they are in their 40's now.

 

When they parted ways after ending their R in high school (I don't know the exact reason), years later (and pretty much NC the whole time) they eventually got married to different people. Sara's husband is an acquaintance of mine, and I didn't know Dan's wife- she belonged to a different community.

 

They met again years later in passing and became friends again after they decided to act in a play together for theatre. Dan wasn't happy with his wife after 15 years of marriage, and were doing everything he could to save it. Sara were in the process of divorcing her husband, and were only there as a friend until after Dan finally seperated from his wife and put in divorce papers.

 

Sara, I've known her for at least 15 years, and Dan, I've known him for a brief time, when they broke up in high school, Dan left our community so I never saw him again too until 15 years later when they appeared in that play. Dan returned after he finally seperated from his wife, and he became friends with all of my friends, some of my family and the community I belong to.

 

They eventually started dating, and I really believe that it just happened naturally that way. I absolutely trust them that they did not have an affair, that it happened after Dan decided to proceed with the divorce with his wife.

 

What happened..

 

The weekend before last weekend was Dan's birthday. We all had gathered at his house to have a potluck dinner- there were a good number of us there and it was a very memorable night for everyone. I thoroughly enjoyed the party, and I could see that it meant a lot to Dan.

 

Dan's wife committed suicide that night (Will almost have been two weeks ago- it happened June 16).

 

It came as a total shock to everyone. I mean, I'm still in disbelief over it. I can't imagine how Dan feels right now.

 

Dan was the one to find her. I'll spare you the details, because it's horrifying, and it's truly not my place to talk about it here out of humblest respect to Dan as my friend. I'm here to talk about the after math.

 

Apparently, his wife texted him the night of his birthday party, where everyone was there, asking Dan if he was alone. He replied, "No, I'm with friends right now," and didn't get a response back.

 

It becomes obvious that she committed suicide from that point of time until when Dan found her in the basement of her house. I feel absolutely terrible for Dan, he is so grief-stricken. The funeral was last weekend, Saturday.. a week after she took her own life on Dan's birthday.

 

I am telling you the complete truth, as crazy as it must sound, everything so far has been true. Sara... I'm good friends with her, and she's been coming to me about their relationship problems, and telling me what's been happening with her and Dan.

 

Dan was still friends with his wife, but they were seperated. He moved out and bought a new house, after making the decision to divorce her. After he started dating Sara, he asked her to move in- the relationship between them were getting serious (and I supported that completely). Their relationship was secret because Dan needed to get through the divorce first, and then they would announce their relationship. Everyone in our community knew, and we were okay with that- they were wonderful together, like absolute best friends too.

 

Sara moved in, and three weeks later, this happened. Since what's happened, Dan has been grieving over his stbxw and I don't blame him at all- they were married for 15 years. Sara on the other hand, understands this, but it's put a barrier between them, brought on from the death of Dan's wife. It's obvious to everyone that Dan is having very conflicting feelings.. over the wife and his girlfriend, Sara. It's affecting their relationship very much so.

 

Dan put back on his wedding ring, and at first Sara were very upset about it, but were okay with it once she realized it was his way to mourn, and let it go. I can see that Sara is really trying, trying to be his rock and support system. She loves him so so much.

 

Dan asked her for space at first, asking if she could move out for a while because he was having his stbxw's family and his family coming for the funeral arrangements. She obliged, and tried to continue the relationship with Dan for a few days. Then Dan decided to break up with her, but said she could still live there as a room mate because she just moved in three weeks ago.

 

From my conversations with Sara, from what she's said, she said she was going to wait a year for Dan, and stay completely single. She wants to be available for Dan when he's ready to move on (Dan's been saying not to hope for a third chance). She's very angry at Dan's wife for "committing this selfish act," but she never hated his wife- there were some dislike between them naturally because Dan used to date her in high school. I'm pretty sure the wife suspected, and it sounds like everyone is sure she never found out (I don't know, she might have?? I'm not trying to investigate on why she committed suicide). She's been trying to be respective of everything but it's been so hard on her too, she loves Dan to pieces and would do anything for him.

 

I feel at a loss of what to say to Sara when she talks to me about things, because this is an all around terrible situation. An entire community is mourning over the stbxw, or more so over how tragic it's been for our beloved friend, Dan.

 

I completely understand that Dan would, of course be mourning his wife. I even understand why he broke up with Sara, he cannot handle dating Sara right now- he needs that space to deal with that loss. I fear for him, that he'll get lost. We all fear for him, and everyone's trying their best to be there for Dan. At the same time, I can't even get close to imagining how Dan must feel right now. His birthdays will never be the same again, he'll remember this for the rest of his life. The fact she committed suicide is horrifying enough to begin with.. I want to be there for Dan but I feel like I can't be, because the situation seems so surreal.. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do as a friend, and everything else.

 

Sara's been getting counselling (she has been since she decided to divorce her husband, before she met Dan again) and has been talking about the situation with the counsellor. I've been very encouraging, in her going for counselling, and for her to write everything down on paper.

 

This is where we are now... I'll be talking to Dan soon- I've been keeping my distance because I know he needs space, not just from Sara, but from everyone. It's only been a week since the funeral. I'm also very grief stricken over this, because I'm very close to those two friends of mine. I have a ton of questions like..

 

How can I be there for both of them?

 

I honestly can't tell them what I think they should do, because I don't know! This is a situation so tragic beyond imagination, the loss of a wonderful woman who brought inspiration to so many (she was a social worker!), the destruction of our friends' relationship, there is so much pain everywhere. I personally didn't know the wife at all, only from what Dan has told me about her. I've just been trying to listen, and trying to be supportive and encouraging.. sometimes I'm not sure how to approach Dan, because I'm scared, I've never experienced anything like this. I'm scared of saying the wrong things, misguiding them or worse with my good intentions.

 

I think I'm doing ok, but I wish I knew what to say to her questions like..

 

Sara: What should I do? Should I leave Dan alone? Should I leave him completely alone, or try to be friends? Should I move out?

 

From what I know, Sara's counsellor told her that she should stay put, because Dan needs her there. I honestly don't have an opinion, because again, I don't know I can say that I'm afraid that if she remains, there's a chance Dan could eventually kick her out permanently, and who knows what's next after that, total NC?

 

Any insight would really be appreciated... I really need help in understanding this situation, all the dynamics that are going on... This is so complicated, my heart hurts so much for them and everyone who's in mourning right now. This post is really more about Sara, because I don't believe Dan is doing anything wrong- if he needs to ask Sara to move out so he can mourn his wife, so be it. I want him to be all right again, and so does Sara, and everyone else who cares for him.

 

Thanks, it's been a very tough going for all of us..

[AlexanderJames]

I didnt want to take the time to read this and not express my empathy and concern.

But I'm finding myself lost for words.

 

Be there for them, be the ears they need to talk to. The shoulder they need to cry on. And dont let Dan deal with this alone. I believe space is needed sometimes, but It's easy enough to get lost in dark and dangerous thoughts during a breakup. I cannot begin to imagine where he must be.

 

Life is such a precious gift. This truly is a tragedy.

I'm so sorry for Dan and Sara, his friends, family.. Your whole community. And my thoughts are with his late wife. May she rest in peace.

You all have my deepest sympathies.

[burningashes]

Thank you AJ...

 

My friend Sara called me earlier tonight after I wrote this post. She left a message saying that Dan has changed his mind again, that he gave her three months to move out. That's when she's supposed to get money from selling the house she shared with her ex husband, so I guess there is that now.

 

Sara said that Dan told her that he's reminded of his ex wife every time he looks at Sara. Sara said that she was going to do everything that his ex wife didn't do with Dan like going to sci fi movies and conventions. I think she's trying to show Dan that she's not the ex wife, and I can understand that.

 

But my instincts are telling me that she should just move out, Dan has steadily been changing his mind in relation to her. It went from "Ok, can you move out for a couple weeks while I deal with family and the funeral?" to "Ok, I'm breaking up with you, we can be room mates because you just moved in three weeks ago." Now it's "You got three months to find a new place".. Sara said that Dan acknowledged that maybe he'll feel differently then, that maybe he'll decide to reconcile with Sara if he's ready then.

 

I don't know, maybe he will, but I honestly don't think anyone comes back from this kind of thing for a long, long time. I know I wouldn't be coming back any time soon if this happened to me. I'm really concerned by everything, it's been rapidly deteriorating ever since the suicide. I'm afraid that Dan is going to snap one night if Sara doesn't move out sooner...

 

Dan is one of the nicest guys I know, and would never, ever hurt a fly (he's a tree hugger!!). But only God knows what could happen, everything is enough to make someone go crazy, with the kind of stress he's facing. He was in the process of divorcing the wife- the divorce wasn't finalized (it was supposed to be finalized the next month), so he's dealing with the suicide affecting the divorce process. It got messed up because of the simple fact she died, she had a will, and not to mention her life insurance policy. He's supposed to recieve money from her death benefit, but it's getting messed up because of the divorce and so on.

 

Her suicide really affected everything, and that's putting it nicely- I've never been married or divorced myself. Divorce is complicated enough without mixing this in so I can't even fathom the amount of stress he's under now. He's got to decide what to do with all her things, her pets and the house they shared... there is so much for him to do.

 

Do you think I should tell Sara that she should just move out because I'm very concerned now.. what Dan will do if he reaches his breaking point. I think maybe Sara should maintain her distance, because I think Dan will change his mind again and just flat out tell her that he never wants to see her again at the very worst if Sara doesn't back off.. am I wrong for thinking this??

[fucpcg]

I think this is soo above our heads that the best suggestion is to just tell the both of them that you want them to know you care about them, and will always be there for them with anything you can do to help or comfort, and let them come to you. When I say above our heads, I mean if I can need grief counseling for a breakup with exgirlfriend, imagine what a mental trauma it must be for something like this to happen. I am soo lucky in that one of my best friends is a PHD Psychologist, and I swear I don't know where I'd be without her in my life after that breakup. I think your friends need time, they need to know they have those around them that truly care and are there for them, and the best next step is seeking help for PTSD basically. I don't know if it's wise to suggest or not.... but I believe it would be necessary.

[burningashes]

So I should recommend that Dan seek help for PTSD? Should Sara also look into that too?

 

Dan has been having nightmares and is experiencing mood swings now- he's very moody. Sara on the other hand seems to be okay, just very upset that this is happening to her R to Dan and that Dan is rejecting her.

 

I will keep that in mind but like you said.. Way over my head with this

[fucpcg]

If you can say it to him, you are comfortable, yes. Like I said, if a breakup can push someone over the edge, how do you think someone reaching out to you, but not being able to talk to you, just before committing suicide would make you feel...

[Double D]

First my deepest sympathy to you, your friends + I'll have a thought for the stbxw.

 

I think its best if Sara moves out. Dan is going through same crazy stuff and if he needs space I think its best to give it to him. I'm not sure if they relationship can come back from this. Its such a tragic situation.

 

Offer to be there for them both and even though Dan is the one doing the grieving remember to be there for Sara too because she must be going through her own anguish and don't forget to look after yourself. You sound like your taking on a lot of worry and don't let this consume you. Continue to share with us, so your not going through this alone.

 

As fucpcg said, this is way above our heads but be there for each other.

[burningashes]

Yeah- I'm pretty stressed out with the whole thing. I started a film production company a while ago and Dan/Sara is also a big part of it. I put the film we were working on hold when this happened. We were in the middle of auditioning for the film and I had to make all the calls to successful candidates to let them know the film has been put on hold until further notice.

 

This is also affecting the company because Dan is responsible for filming everything and Sara is responsible for the actors/actresses. Nothing can continue because they're understandably not focused on the film anymore. I'm afraid we won't be able to get back on track if they aren't able to reconcile, or worse, continue to be friends.

 

While I'm not exactly an employer, I am the producer for the film so I'm feeling huge stress because money has gone into the film and I have no idea what to do next. Should I give it some time until I have to ask them whether they want to continue. A lot of work has gone into the film and as much as I love them, I can't let it die. Nor do I want to come across as the tyrant..

 

There have been no further developments, other than what I've talked about Dan and Sara so far. I'm supposed to see them later this weekend, so hopefully they are doing a little better. I've taken some space away from everything this weekend because I feel like I'm being crushed under everything trying to deal with the film and being there on a nearly daily basis for Dan and Sara.

 

Of course, I didn't mention to Dan and Sara that I needed some time to myself to sort things out- I said I would be busy but that if they needed anything, to just call me. Next week I have to go to Dans and help him move things from his late wifes house.. It's going to be a very emotional day for him

[fucpcg]

A friend of mine just blew his head off Thursday night. He had been acting funny for about a week, didn't show up for volleyball league Thursday, we found him dead Friday. Very similar scenario, Thursday night he did have some text interaction with one of our friends, she was worried, went to check on him Thursday evening, he was alive but acting funny. Friday morning she went again, and he was gone. I now have his dog and I feel sadness everytime I just look at the dog. I am really feeling for my friend now that saw him/ found him.

 

WTF

[burningashes]

I'm sorry to hear that happened to you...

 

My friend was married to his wife and found her... out of all the days she decided to do it on his birthday too.. He also has her pets now too.. I don't know how much more screwed up things could get than that..