Way2blue Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 When I first came to this site it was because I had broken up with a man whom I knew was emotionally unavailable. I was devastated when he agreed that he wasn't ready for a relationship, but immediately returned to his ex. So, I got over it for the most part, moved on. I have never since, in the past nine months, been interested in anyone else, though. Of course, it doesn't help matters that he comes back into my life every couple of months, we have a few dates and then I don't want to deal with the fact that I really want to just stop loving him and find someone who will actually love me back. I really would like someone who wants to talk with me each day and do things as a couple. Ya know? That thing called a real relationship and not just FWB? He tells me he is broken. And he's used to women our age not wanting to be called everyday. He's been "trained", he says, to maintain a distance. I've tried to tell him to not call me ever again, that my heart needs to purge itself of him and get on with my life. I told him I know he will never love me back, and he said, "Well I don't know about that. Maybe God wants you to learn patience." Yeah? Well what's he learning? Our time together (when we are together) is so so wonderful. We are so connected, and he said he feels more comfortable with me than about anyone he knows. He's affectionate and loving and passionate. But the in-between times I feel that he forgets about me. And I can call him, if I want, he says, but I won't. So I go for days without hearing from him. And sometimes 2 or 3 weeks without seeing him because we live 45 miles apart. He said that he just has so much on his plate, and I can understand that. But I also feel that if someone is into you they will make time for you. He said he's just not used to it because he's been a widower and single dad for 10 years. So what do ya think? Is momentary awesomeness worth me hanging in there for a while, or should I cut and run and ache for him for a while? I just can't seem to stop loving him. He's not mean or abusive. Just neglectful. Whose heart do you think will change? I guess I should mention this has been off and on for the past 9 months and was only a 6 month relationship. He always comes back. It's never me. And I'm always the one who gives up and tells him to stop talking to me.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 and he said, "Well I don't know about that. Maybe God wants you to learn patience." I've heard a lot of BS, but that's a new one. Look...this guy is playing the oldest trick in the book with you when it comes to stringing along. Do you really think it's that hard for him to come by every now and again, give everything a lot of effort then disappear in the dark of the night like batman and you feel like you were just whisked away by some super hero? Look when he goes home, he's not Batman...he's just a regular guy who wouldn't be able to maintain that level of intensity if he wasn't doing something wrong and stringing some woman a long. You're nice little ego boost and love toy because "you love him sooo much"...please, I would hope that somewhere in the back of your head you can clearly see that this is anything but it. This guy is simply using your emotions against you, that's all....that's it and give you BS lines to string you along, because really? how much much effort does it really take when you just fall into his arms like butter? Who's the fool...him for coming back for some easy vagina and loving when it's easily and readily available? Or you who's dumb enough to pick up the phone and answer his calls because of how you feel and maybe...oh maybe this time he'll want to be with you and have a relationship...maybe he's ready for a relationship? Really? are you freaking kidding me? Look, I'm being hard on you because you need a swift kick the butt to shock you out of this little bubble fantasy you have with part time romeo...you need to know that this is BS and that If you'd open your eyes you'd see more than a few women in your exact situation...sitting at that empty bus stop waiting for that love ride to come pick you up and the drive is Mr Lover who comes swinging out with the door open dressed up in a 50's bus driver suit almost looking military like and whisks you away into finally that committed relationship you've always been waiting for...but you know would what really would happen If he even did that? You'd start to see this guy who for he really is, without the facade...beneath the lies and just being the real person he is...you'd start to see this man wasn't so great and everything in your head was a fantasy of the silver lining of this enticing package wasn't really what you thought it would be because you'd find out you knew nothing about him...you only knew what he was putting out there in front of him, his true self is hiding behind the scenes..the man he knows he really is. You act like him coming back gives you an excuse for being a fool..so what? You're easy and available, you're always there...a victim to your emotions, you fight at first then fall right back into the clutches, and you settle for pathetic excuses that couldn't convince anyone else but you because of your "feelings"...and that's really what makes this all go round and round, your emotions are the fluid to this, not his, he hasn't even invested anything in you...in fact his emotions are still in the past with his ex and what do you think he tells his ex when he was with you? "Oh she was just some girl I met, she was fun but nothing serious" what do you think he tells other people about you?...oh there's this super awesome wonderful girl I'm crazy about but you know...I'm not ready for a relationship, at least with anybody new, so I'm going to go back with my ex GF...trust me, behind your back this guy 99% likely tells everyone you are absolutely nothing, even If he tells anyone about you or using his ex as a scapegoat for responsibility and his emotions. His heart isn't going to change, there's nothing to change! he's just simply stringing you along. When are you going to stop being a push-over? when are going to start respecting yourself to be more than a fling? when are you going to realize you're just being used for whatever he needs? If you can't save yourself, don't expect him to....and why would he be abusive or mean...what does he have to be mad or upset about? that would be like being angry at a puppy who obeyed all your commands? how does this even make sense to you? ruffle his feathers, cause some waves, start asking some real questions, push him a lot and he won't be such a sweet guy when you start poking your head where it shouldn't be...every man has the potential to be an ******* or a jerk, I can guarantee you that. 3
FitChick Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 he agreed that he wasn't ready for a relationship, but immediately returned to his ex. He said he's just not used to it because he's been a widower and single dad for 10 years. How could he return to his ex if she was dead? You don't want real love because you think you don't deserve it and are not worth loving. That's why you allow yourself to be treated like a doormat. A woman who believes she is lovable and good enough wouldn't waste her time. Next time ask him how his other FWBs are handling this setup.
TheFinalWord Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 (edited) . I told him I know he will never love me back, and he said, "Well I don't know about that. Maybe God wants you to learn patience." No cowardly man using you for casual sex has any idea about what "God wants". Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it angers me to see a man invoking God to manipulate a woman. The bible says this kind of man is the most despicable kind of human being: "They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth. Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these teachers oppose the truth. They are men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected. But they will not get very far because, as in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone." 2 Timothy 3 Biblically, when you have sex with a man your spirits are united; that is the source of your confusion. God has put man into a natural place of spiritual leadership. This man is abusing his authority and using you out of greed. Its causing confusion in your heart b/c it is not the way things are supposed to be. You need to rebuke this man, kick him out of your life, and ask God directly what he wants. Don't let this fool influence you. Here is what God wants your boyfriend to do; love you like he loves his own body. Does he treat his own body the way he treats you? I guarantee you he's not! Just the fact he is using you for sex proves that: In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you (speaking to men) also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. He fails you, therefore he does not love you: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." Regarding his speaking of God. This man has no authority to tell you what God wants. He doesn't get it himself. Here is what God wants: "Don't be naive. There are difficult times ahead. As the end approaches, people are going to be self-absorbed, money-hungry, self-promoting, stuck-up, profane, contemptuous of parents, crude, coarse, dog-eat-dog, unbending, slanderers, impulsively wild, savage, cynical, treacherous, ruthless, bloated windbags, addicted to lust, and allergic to God. They'll make a show of religion, but behind the scenes they're animals. Stay clear of these people. " "No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God's seed abides in him, and he cannot keep on sinning because he has been born of God. " Edited June 28, 2012 by TheFinalWord 3
Quest4_TheLost Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 I have to agree that the whole "God wants you to learn patients thing" is probably the lowest thing I've heard in a long time.. Sure god wants you to be patient, he also wants you to be loved and treated with love.. So yes be patient but not for this jerk! Be patient for the man that will come into your life and treat you like you deserve to be treated. Cut your losses sweety.. Your only going to further hurt yourself. When you find the "one" there will be no games no being strung along and wondering. Good luck! 2
Author Way2blue Posted June 28, 2012 Author Posted June 28, 2012 Wow! Guys! I sure appreciate your replies. All of them! This is precisely the replies I expected. I told him last night I would appreciate it if he never contacted me again, and a one hour conversation ensued. Me, being a naturally forgiving person, actually relented and told him that I'm not stupid, but we would remain friends. I told him that I'm praying for the Lord to change my heart every single day. That's where he came up with the "patience" thing. You're right about love being patient and kind. But I am a child of the King of Kings, and I don't think that He would want me to be anyone's doormat. I just wanted confirmation that it was not a totally mean move for me to get lost. 2
TheFinalWord Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 (edited) Wow! Guys! I sure appreciate your replies. All of them! This is precisely the replies I expected. I told him last night I would appreciate it if he never contacted me again, and a one hour conversation ensued. Me, being a naturally forgiving person, actually relented and told him that I'm not stupid, but we would remain friends. I told him that I'm praying for the Lord to change my heart every single day. That's where he came up with the "patience" thing. You're right about love being patient and kind. But I am a child of the King of Kings, and I don't think that He would want me to be anyone's doormat. I just wanted confirmation that it was not a totally mean move for me to get lost. It's okay I have found that a lot of times our greatest character strengths can also be our greatest weakness. For example, your forgiving nature. A big blessing, but it can also leave us open for manipulation. The thing about being friends, is that your heart cannot handle it. It is perfectly okay to tell him to get out of your life. You can tell him TheFinalWord said so if you feel bad doing it God never asks us to be "friends" with someone we have a romantic interest in that won't commit properly. Why? Because our heart can't handle it. "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure." Our hearts already deceive us. Add in romantic feelings and you can forget it. You won't be able to discern properly. Good job on seeking the Lord. You are 100% right. He does not want you to be manipulated or controlled by another human being. God bless. PS: Here is a good message Pastor Rick Warren is doing on romantic relationships. Please check it out http://www.saddleback.com/mediacenter/archives/default.aspx Edited June 28, 2012 by TheFinalWord
Author Way2blue Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 To The Final Word: I appreciate that your wisdom comes from the Bible and thank you. The Lord is my refuge and my strength. I just feel bad for him. He lost his wife in an accident and later, his fiancee to cancer. He is a basically good person, but he is broken. Only God can heal him. Please pray for strength for me to move on and for a healing for him. God bless. 1
mortensorchid Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 God wants you to learn patience? That's amost as hilarious as the time that a deeply religious man said to me once, via email, that God wanted us to be friends. That was about 13 years ago, I responded negatively, he said he was becoming a priest, and not too long ago he celebrated his 10 year wedding anniversary. Needless to say we haven't spoken since. That's terrible that he keeps on coming back, but the fact that you take him back is what is so bad. No contact is best in this situation. And I mean like block him on all social networks, no IMs, texts, email, phone calls. You can't move on unless you make yourself move on.
Author Way2blue Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 Yep. Pretty funny. Pulling the God card on me. I told him I wanted no contact to get him out of my heart. That I wanted a meaningful relationship someday and wouldn't be able to do so unless I could forget about him. His reply was "are you sure that's what God wants you to do?". I told him I ask God everyday to help me with that and that's when he threw the patience card at me. I laughed and said that if I weren't patient he wouldn't have ever gotten to speak to me again. The more I talk to you guys the easier it gets to look at the situation from the outside. He had the nerve to tell me that each time we "get back into our relationship" I get better. And I just can't be needy. I told him I was unaware this was a relationship at all, and if I were needy I wouldn't keep saying goodbye. You guys are right. What a player!
mortensorchid Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 I've heard a lot of it, and not to put down what your religious beliefs may or may not be, but when I read some more of this my anger increased. GOD wants you to do something? Oh well, stupid me, I guess I just wasn't paying attention when he came knocking like he does everyday like the mailman. That's really terrible that he said that to you, he sounds like a self centered ignoramous. You can do better. Move on from this fool, and when he's angry at himself later on he can do all his questioning from God and wondering why God is going to say "I told you so". Ha ha ha ...
Author Way2blue Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 I've heard a lot of it, and not to put down what your religious beliefs may or may not be, but when I read some more of this my anger increased. GOD wants you to do something? Oh well, stupid me, I guess I just wasn't paying attention when he came knocking like he does everyday like the mailman. That's really terrible that he said that to you, he sounds like a self centered ignoramous. You can do better. Move on from this fool, and when he's angry at himself later on he can do all his questioning from God and wondering why God is going to say "I told you so". Ha ha ha ... LOL
InJest Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 . Only God can heal him. Please pray for strength for me to move on and for a healing for him. God bless. No wonder you're so gullible and easily led. Pffft. Good luck.
ItsNeverForever Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 No wonder you're so gullible and easily led. Pffft. Good luck. Disrespectful JERK. 2
TheFinalWord Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 (edited) Ha! Thank you! As you get involved in this forum more and more you will find the ignore feature is your best friend There are a group of guys on here that cry and belly ache all the time about women. Some women are like that here, but it's 80% guys. Ironically, they complain about women, but act more moody than women during heavy menopause LOL To get to it go to your profile and then "Edit ignore list". Then copy and paste the user name into the field. I refuse to surround myself with negative people, either in real life or the virtual world Edited June 30, 2012 by TheFinalWord 1
Author Way2blue Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 As you get involved in this forum more and more you will find the ignore feature is your best friend There are a group of guys on here that cry and belly ache all the time about women. Some women are like that here, but it's 80% guys. Ironically, they complain about women, but act more moody than women during heavy menopause LOL To get to it go to your profile and then "Edit ignore list". Then copy and paste the user name into the field. I refuse to surround myself with negative people, either in real life or the virtual world Thank you. For the most part, everyone so far has been awesome. Including you.
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