in break with GF, what now!

[Jason02]

Hi everyone, so I am a long time reader here and first time commenting. Not to say anything is bad here, but like everyone I kind of wish I didn't have to. I need your guys advice. Its a bit long so if you make it to the end THANKS!

 

So my 6yr plus gf told me about 2 months ago she was confuse on what she wanted. she is unhappy with herself and how her life is. she is 27 and so am i if that helps. She said at that time she needed a few days to think it over. of course i was shocked and blindsided by this. And i did everything wrong at that time, cried, begged, pleaded etc. i knew we were not at our best the previous month with some fighting going on, but i didnt think it was relationship ending fights. We normally NEVER fought. just the few little things but nothing major. everyone thought we were a good couple.

 

So about two weeks after that I called her to see whats up? like are we broke up? together? We meet and just talk. She said she didn't know what she wanted. She wants me and the whole package kids, house, marriage, but then there is this other road she doesn't know about. I told her I guess i understood, but that i can't wait around forever because thats not fair to me. I told her I know you can't make a decision like this do or die now. she understood and asked for two weeks. I agreed.

 

Well 3 and a half weeks later she called saying she didn't call earlier because she didn't know what to tell me. we at first caught up on what we have been up to and doing and it was just like the old times. I asked if there was someone else and she said no, and i do believe her. it wasn't akward or anything, we talked like we normally did and outside of this looming subject it was pretty nice. we actually made out a bit at the end. i could tell we both didn't want the night to end because we wanted to keep talking. we ended up hanging out for 3 hours just talking. But again she didn't know what to do. I told her fine we meet up in 3 weeks and see where we stand.

 

So three weeks is up yesterday. We agreed she should call me, but she hasn't. Its been a rollar coaster of a emotional ride too. I kind of figured this is over, and i don't expect a miracle, but IDK what to REALLY think. She hasn't changed her FB status to single. She hasn't told her family outside her sister whats going on, everyone else thinks we had a big argument and expects us to get back together. She hasn't even told anyone she is single from what i heard. We didn leave those 3 weeks open to text and talk to check in on each other to see if we are ok. She didn't contact me though until i texted her 2 weeks into it.

 

My question is this. should i call her to meet? or should i wait until she does? I want to say I just want this closure to know what and where did we go wrong and to say my goodbye, but a small part of me still has hope. I heard here you shouldn't meet up with an ex, though idk if she is an ex or not yet, until you only expect answers and no hope for reconciling.

 

Thoughts? Advice?

[Samilia]

I would set up a meeting, ask for an answer. If there is no answer, consider yourself single, it's not fair to make you wait around like that.

[flitzanu]

Hi everyone, so I am a long time reader here and first time commenting. Not to say anything is bad here, but like everyone I kind of wish I didn't have to. I need your guys advice. Its a bit long so if you make it to the end THANKS!

 

So my 6yr plus gf told me about 2 months ago she was confuse on what she wanted. she is unhappy with herself and how her life is. she is 27 and so am i if that helps. She said at that time she needed a few days to think it over. of course i was shocked and blindsided by this. And i did everything wrong at that time, cried, begged, pleaded etc. i knew we were not at our best the previous month with some fighting going on, but i didnt think it was relationship ending fights. We normally NEVER fought. just the few little things but nothing major. everyone thought we were a good couple.

 

 

 

Thoughts? Advice?

 

you're broken up. she just doesn't want to admit it, or doesn't want to burn her bridges just yet.

 

you should walk away, cut contact, block her on fb. if she doesn't know what she wants, then you MAKE her start her life without you in it.

 

and if you're an avid reader, i'm sure you're aware that it's very possible there's someone else catching her attention. also she's never going to admit that.

[Ruby65]

Agreed. I'd be shocked if there wasn't someone else. She's using these breaks as a way of keeping you on the back burner in case it doesn't work out with him.

 

I wouldn't wait around anymore. How many months does she expect to keep you in limbo? It's cruel and selfish of her to treat you this way.

[Jason02]

I know it's not fair for me to wait and I have been told to cut her off so then she sees what her life is without me. But damn it's hard! I saw this girl as my future wife! I wanted all of everything that came with that with her.

 

I really don't think there is someone else, but honestly at this point I don't know what to believe in. She currently lives at home still with her parents and told me the big thing she wants to do is move out. She said last time we text thats what she is working for and thats a big thing she wants.

 

At times I get the courage to call and end everything and at other times I get sick to my stomach reaching for the phone. I've been told to do this like a band Aid and do it fast. I want to put myself out of this limbo but I guess I am just scared to do so. I know I deserve better! I treated her better than anyone ever has. So I also want to know more of what happened, what went wrong so I guess I can't make the same mistake twice in the future with anyone else.

 

Any words of encouragements to call and meet one last time? Make me freaked out just writing that.

[Ruby65]

Don't meet her in person. Any attention you give her right now is just ego-stroking.

 

If you call I'd keep it short and to the point, so you don't have a chance to break down or become too emotional.

 

I've been in your shoes -- I had a break that turned into a breakup 5 years ago. I really do understand how painful this is.

 

Also, when I was younger, I've been the girl telling my boyfriend I "just needed to be alone for a while"...... swearing there was no one else. I'm sorry to say, I was lying -- but rationalized it at the time because I didn't want to hurt him with the truth! And yeah, part of me was scared to walk away from a long-term relationship just to try and pursue someone else.... what if it didn't work out? I wanted my bf as a backup plan.

 

Anyhow, everyone's different -- and maybe this girl really does just want to be alone for the sake of it?

 

Even so, 6+ weeks is WAY TOO LONG to be in your position.

 

Do it however is EASIEST FOR YOU. Send her an email. Send a text. It doesn't matter how you do it -- just make sure you do it in a way that protects YOU and your feelings as much as possible.

[Jason02]

I just don't know what to do.

 

I want to meet her in person cause I feel if I don't it'll be something I regret. I feel like I owe it to myself to do this in person. But i don't know going in if I will be strong enough to keep it together the whole way. If I will break down or something. I have broken down sometimes during this break.

 

I know I don't want another 3 week wait thing. I know I will say no to that. But I guess I don't want to do the email, text, letter thing because I don't want her thinking this ended all because of me. I realized now thats what she wants. to make it so that she doesn't walk away thinking it was all her fault. I want to end this because her actions and inactions lead me down this path.

 

I want to do this tommorrow because as much as i have made peace with it, I know I will still be torn about it and I probably won't be able to function at work the next day. So I want the weekend to get it together.

 

When did love get so difficult? Months ago we were a happy couple, and now it just seems like a dream.

[flitzanu]

very normal to feel regretful dude.

 

and you'll probably break down and see her and talk to her, and tell her what's on your heart. there's no shame in that.

 

all i can say from experience, is, DON'T do that. you'll appear weak, desperate and TOTALLY unattractive to her. sounds stupid right? it's true though.

 

stronger you are, more she's going to maintain her perception of you. if you cut ties and block her from your life, you'll be walking away with YOUR pride intact, and that's something you'll never regret.

[Samilia]

very normal to feel regretful dude.

 

and you'll probably break down and see her and talk to her, and tell her what's on your heart. there's no shame in that.

 

all i can say from experience, is, DON'T do that. you'll appear weak, desperate and TOTALLY unattractive to her. sounds stupid right? it's true though.

 

stronger you are, more she's going to maintain her perception of you. if you cut ties and block her from your life, you'll be walking away with YOUR pride intact, and that's something you'll never regret.

 

I have to agree with Flit... I know you want closure, if you think you can get it and keep it together at the same time, then fine. If not, don't meet her.

 

It seems to me like your story is over and she is stringing you along, like Ruby said.

 

I hope you do get the answer you're looking for, just don't forget that very often it's staring us in the face and we just don't want to look at it.

[Eddie Edirol]

I just don't know what to do.

 

I want to meet her in person cause I feel if I don't it'll be something I regret. I feel like I owe it to myself to do this in person. But i don't know going in if I will be strong enough to keep it together the whole way. If I will break down or something. I have broken down sometimes during this break.

 

I know I don't want another 3 week wait thing. I know I will say no to that. But I guess I don't want to do the email, text, letter thing because I don't want her thinking this ended all because of me. I realized now thats what she wants. to make it so that she doesn't walk away thinking it was all her fault. I want to end this because her actions and inactions lead me down this path.

 

I want to do this tommorrow because as much as i have made peace with it, I know I will still be torn about it and I probably won't be able to function at work the next day. So I want the weekend to get it together.

 

When did love get so difficult? Months ago we were a happy couple, and now it just seems like a dream.

 

Just cut her off, theres nothing to regret, theres nothing to save, she wants out.

 

Months ago she made you think you were a happy couple, but she was figuring out reasons she wasnt attracted to you anymore. She didnt want to marry you like you wanted to. She was with you since she was 21, and she wants to explore the world, because she thinks she can do better than you, and also not have to answer to anyone now. Usually women break it off with their bf's at 21 and fool around for a while, then find themselves and new bf's.

 

Dont go see her. Instead, if she contacts you, tell her you dont want to hear from her until she wants to get back into a relationship. Let her think you are angry with her. She needs to feel panic so she makes a decision, and also knows you are moving on now. She needs to feel like you wont be her backup just in case her exploration doesnt work out. She needs to feel like she has to earn you again. Ifyou are just readily available to her, she wont feel anything. I say that because she already wants to break it off, you might as well torpedo this, there is no getting her back at this point, she wants to be free to try someone new. And I'm sure there is someone, there usually is, unless you just smothered her... your situation is very common.

 

Dont be surprised if you see her with someone else in a month or so.

 

Cut her off of everything, facebook, twitter, phone, emails, dont let her think she can contact you unless she is serious. That will make her miss you more IF she is on the fence. If she isnt on the fence, it will give you a chance to get over her faster. Dont try to save this, she doesnt want to. Let her go, and kick her in the azz on the way out!

[Jason02]

Do you guys think then I should just call her and end it over the phone? My thing is we last left it as we'll see where we are in a few weeks and decide then. I know where she stands from her actions and inactions over these last few weeks. Everyone is right, she wants out but doesn't want to be the one to end it. I don't want that. I know this is over. There is no way we can work this out, because honestly there isn't anything I can work out. I just don't want her walking away thinking it was I who didn't want to "work things out" I want her to know it was her. So later on in life if she ever does think about how good I treated her, she regrets ending it.

 

I don't want to give her the ego stroke by contacting her, but I also want her to know it's officially over. That I don't want her. I know a part of me still does, but the way she treated me these last few weeks. I Know I deserve better. I just don't want the little part of me to come out when I' am trying to get my message across.

 

So how can I separate reasoning from my little voice in my head saying i want to get back with her? And as dumb as it sounds I want her to change the dumb FB status as single so she has to explain to everyone she knows why we broke up. Im sure she'll say it was a mutual thing or it was my fault.

[flitzanu]

Do you guys think then I should just call her and end it over the phone? My thing is we last left it as we'll see where we are in a few weeks and decide then. I know where she stands from her actions and inactions over these last few weeks. Everyone is right, she wants out but doesn't want to be the one to end it. I don't want that. I know this is over. There is no way we can work this out, because honestly there isn't anything I can work out. I just don't want her walking away thinking it was I who didn't want to "work things out" I want her to know it was her. So later on in life if she ever does think about how good I treated her, she regrets ending it.

 

I don't want to give her the ego stroke by contacting her, but I also want her to know it's officially over. That I don't want her. I know a part of me still does, but the way she treated me these last few weeks. I Know I deserve better. I just don't want the little part of me to come out when I' am trying to get my message across.

 

So how can I separate reasoning from my little voice in my head saying i want to get back with her? And as dumb as it sounds I want her to change the dumb FB status as single so she has to explain to everyone she knows why we broke up. Im sure she'll say it was a mutual thing or it was my fault.

 

you're still focusing on things that aren't there. having a "breakup convo" isn't going to help you, because she's already ended it. if you try to switch things up she's going to push blame on you. and especially if you throw it in her face it's "her fault" and not yours, you're just perpetuating drama.

 

in her mind it's already done and she's keeping her "status" because she knows you're waiting.

 

have you already divvied up possessions? if you have your stuff and she has hers, just ignore her from now on. the only thing you should pay attention to her saying is that she wants to get back together and work on these issues. everything else is pretty much irrelevant.

[BlazePT]

Do you guys think then I should just call her and end it over the phone? My thing is we last left it as we'll see where we are in a few weeks and decide then. I know where she stands from her actions and inactions over these last few weeks. Everyone is right, she wants out but doesn't want to be the one to end it. I don't want that. I know this is over. There is no way we can work this out, because honestly there isn't anything I can work out. I just don't want her walking away thinking it was I who didn't want to "work things out" I want her to know it was her. So later on in life if she ever does think about how good I treated her, she regrets ending it.

 

I don't want to give her the ego stroke by contacting her, but I also want her to know it's officially over. That I don't want her. I know a part of me still does, but the way she treated me these last few weeks. I Know I deserve better. I just don't want the little part of me to come out when I' am trying to get my message across.

 

So how can I separate reasoning from my little voice in my head saying i want to get back with her? And as dumb as it sounds I want her to change the dumb FB status as single so she has to explain to everyone she knows why we broke up. Im sure she'll say it was a mutual thing or it was my fault.

 

Well, the first thing I did when my gf asked for a break was change my FB status. It was to protect myself from getting the pain of one day reaching my profile and see that she had changed it. A month later she blocked me.

 

I came to know that she still has pictures of myself with her and I don't know why. But you know what? It doesn't matter anymore.

 

From the way I see it, I don't think you should call her. I believe that it would be best to just cut off any form of communication with each other: facebook, phone number, e-mail, you name it. She can think whatever she likes, bud. She's not a part of your life anymore. I also wanted to do the same thing with my ex, but what the hell for? What's done is done; there's no way around it.

 

See it this way: let's suppose you once met some cocky guy at work or something, that had a wrong view of yourself, and treated you really bad and disrespectfully, but you stopped seeing him for some reason. Why the heck would you want to try to explain whatever you needed to explain to him? Wouldn't you be better if you just let it go and get back to who really loves you for who you are?

 

Fact is: you guys are not together anymore. There's nothing left to say to each other.

 

The only thing left for you to do is to concentrate on yourself and spend time with people that love you for who you are.

 

Cheers

[Jono85]

trust me dude, there IS someone else. make no mistake about it. girls don't just all of a sudden start getting distant and consider ditching a 6 year relationship, nevermind a 1 or 2 year relationship. there's someone else that she's crushing on, and she wants to wait and see how things progress with him, and have u as an option, waiting.

 

respect yourself and get out man. now. you don't need to contact her but you cna if you wish. don't give her any ultimatums or anything, IF u contact her it's to acknowledge that it IS over, and you'll be moving on now, tell her to take care etc.

[Chi townD]

Do you guys think then I should just call her and end it over the phone?

 

Don't you think that her telling you that she'll contact you and never doing so is sending you that message already?

 

Thing is, your both 27 and been dating for 6 years. In the meantime, her friends are getting married and starting families...and she's still dating. It wouldn't surprise me if there is someone else that's showing her the possibility of a long committed relationship.

 

If you are a long time reader, then Flitz will also agree with the next

 

taking a break = breaking up.

 

(Kinda stole it from him)

[Pod81]

I've been in a similar situation - ex was VERY wishy-washy and said she "doesn't know what she wants" and wants to "do whatever she wants, whenever she wants". Gave her a 7 week break to think things through, and ended up breaking up in the end anyway. In retrospect, it was probably a dumb idea anyway because emotionally maturity isn't something that can be attained in a matter of weeks. Bottom line, she does not want to answer to anyone and wants to have some "freedom".

 

I'm also guessing that you are her first serious boyfriend. Unfortunately, girls who let a good chunk of their 20's go by frequently get this "grass is greener" syndrome. They want to see what the world is like when they're single and when she's only been with one person seriously and/or you're her first love, they start to wonder if you could possibly be the one that she can see herself with the rest of her life. She'll likely start dating around, but know that this is something she HAS to go through to figure out "what she wants".

 

It doesn't necessarily make her a BAD person and honestly, it's a natural process of life for many people. Yes, it's selfish and immature but this is a process she will have to go through by HERSELF. That means NC - you can't be the one she places in the backburner and you can't be her emotional crutch either. Honestly, if you love her, you will agree to her wishes and let her go. No amount of begging, pleading, or crying will get her back anyway and besides, that's not real love. You have to let her do HER OWN THING even if it kills you emotionally. If there was one consolation that helped me cope, it was knowing that I was the best damned boyfriend I could have been and there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I could have done to stop it.

 

Likely, she'll say something like "let's be friends." Graciously refuse and tell her you understand and support her decision, but this is a journey she'll have to go on her own. I felt it was the most mature thing I could do while maintaining my dignity. Then, let the healing process begin! If she matures and wants to come around in the future (and I'm talking about AT LEAST a year later - anything less is guaranteed BREADCRUMBS), deal with it then but DO NOT WAIT FOR HER! Starting living for yourself! When you are healed, go out there, meet other people, and go on some dates! Don't you deserve to be with someone who will give you 100% AND be emotionally mature enough not to flake on you? Below are some articles that helped me cope with my situation and they may help you as well. Take your time and read through them as they contain important information.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/279056-dumped-someone-g-i-g-s-all-your-questions-answered-within-thread

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/84894-guide-second-chances

Edited July 2, 2012 by Pod81

[Jono85]

I've been in a similar situation - ex was VERY wishy-washy and said she "doesn't know what she wants" and wants to "do whatever she wants, whenever she wants". Gave her a 7 week break to think things through, and ended up breaking up in the end anyway. In retrospect, it was probably a dumb idea anyway because emotionally maturity isn't something that can be attained in a matter of weeks. Bottom line, she does not want to answer to anyone and wants to have some "freedom".

 

I'm also guessing that you are her first serious boyfriend. Unfortunately, girls who let a good chunk of their 20's go by frequently get this "grass is greener" syndrome. They want to see what the world is like when they're single and when she's only been with one person seriously and/or you're her first love, they start to wonder if you could possibly be the one that she can see herself with the rest of her life. She'll likely start dating around, but know that this is something she HAS to go through to figure out "what she wants".

 

It doesn't necessarily make her a BAD person and honestly, it's a natural process of life for many people. Yes, it's selfish and immature but this is a process she will have to go through by HERSELF. That means NC - you can't be the one she places in the backburner and you can't be her emotional crutch either. Honestly, if you love her, you will agree to her wishes and let her go. No amount of begging, pleading, or crying will get her back anyway and besides, that's not real love. You have to let her do HER OWN THING even if it kills you emotionally. If there was one consolation that helped me cope, it was knowing that I was the best damned boyfriend I could have been and there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I could have done to stop it.

 

Likely, she'll say something like "let's be friends." Graciously refuse and tell her you understand and support her decision, but this is a journey she'll have to go on her own. I felt it was the most mature thing I could do while maintaining my dignity. Then, let the healing process begin! If she matures and wants to come around in the future (and I'm talking about AT LEAST a year later - anything less is guaranteed BREADCRUMBS), deal with it then but DO NOT WAIT FOR HER! Starting living for yourself! Below are some articles that helped me cope with my situation and they may help you as well. Take your time and read through them as they contain important information.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/279056-dumped-someone-g-i-g-s-all-your-questions-answered-within-thread

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/84894-guide-second-chances

 

 

not to hijack thread, but i'm curious why you say AT LEAST a full year later, and anything before then is just breadcrumbs. a year seems like a pretty long time. what if she tries a few times throughout the year, telling you she realizes the mistake she's made and regrets it, wants to be with you etc, but you keep shunning her out, only for her to give up and feel hurt not to ever want to try when the year passes when you finally reach out to her?

[Pod81]

The process of emotional maturation takes a LONG time to go through - not just weeks or months. Of course, one year isn't exactly set in stone - it could be 9 months or it could be 2 years. It differs from person to person but I would be EXTREMELY doubtful about anything less than 9 months (personal opinion) based on what I've read on these forums. There are just way too many stories on LS about guys taking back their "grass is greener" girl from anywhere between weeks to months later only to go through the same bullcrap a few months after reconciliation. In each case, the girl said she regretted it, she's changed, yadda yadda, but the fact is that they've only PARTIALLY matured. Read homebrew's timeline on these kinds of people and you'll get a better understanding of their process.

Edited July 2, 2012 by Pod81