After being neglected by husband over a year

[ktcat]

I came from a third world country as a college student. I met a hero who volunteer to help me with my immigration status. We went to get married (no fancy wedding reception) and agreed to get a divorce if things don't work out.

For the first few years, we did not even move it together. I was dating around with some guys but not many, no serious relationships. In fact, I did not find any guy who had treated me right. On the 4th year, we decided, why not start a new life together; things seem to work out.

I did enjoy my marriage - for less than one year though.

We started to lose connection. I got less and less attention. Then I was seeing a couple of guys just for fun. I found out he was also seeing a girl. He said it was a one night stand. I thought it's not fair to spy on him because I did see some guys and I never got caught. I kept thinking, plan B was to get a divorce anyways, by the time I get my citizenship. Things get worse and worse. I am not seeing any other guys. I have higher education degrees, and in this economy, I have more jobs than what I can handle. The less I get attention, the more I keep myself busy with work so that I don't have to think about this. I do not remember when the last time we had sex. We don't share bank accounts, not joint credit cards or property, we don't see each other spending/cell phone bills.

I am living with a man who is nothing more than a cold-hearted roommate.

I am alone every weekend nights for over a year. He sometimes spends overnight at his friends house 'to avoid DUI', he says. I end up working on weekend nights because there is nobody on earth who would take me out for a date.

Before he was ready to let me know that he has been together with a girl (the one he said he had a one night stand with) since 2010, he got caught again. I didn't mean to spy on him but they were just too obvious. He doesn't consider himself to be a cheater - he unfortunately found love after he made a big mistake, which is this marriage. He said he would wait till I get my immigration status is done which is a year from now. This is where we stopped our conversation and he took off. No further discussion about future at this point. I can not describe what I feel. I'm not sure if I'm even sad. I don't know how I should react when he comes home. Should we get separated now or when we can decide to file for a divorce? I don't think I have a choice to keep this marriage.

[ktcat]

And he said, he's already planned to have a life with his girlfriend as soon as I get my citizenship thing's done.

Do I want to let him go now? I don't know myself.

Do I want to try working things out to get him back? This is not an option he gave me.

I need help..

I am alone. And very lonely.

[ktcat]

He didn't even come back home last night.

I don't have much knowledge about separation before filing for a divorce, but I think we are leading to this situation.

[CopingGal]

Sounds like this relationship started on a dishonest note- you married for your immigration status. It started off false, but now you are in this situation. I wouldn't recommend separating because you are trying to fool immigration. Stay as a married couple, then leave. I understand things in third country can be extremely difficult, but you set yourself for a bad relationship because it was false from the beginning.

[ktcat]

We didn't start a false marriage. We were dating with no relationship before we decided to do this, hoping that things would work out.

It was not like just helping a friend.

It was the stage when you try dating someone you barely know and you're not sure if this is the one you want to have a life with.

We just said we would go for a divorce if things don't work out but we (at least I never thought it would happen).

One thing I used to say when I first came here was that I would never marry a guy for a citizenship. I had never met a guy who had treated me nicer than he did. But it didn't last long. He also changed, and he is moving out anyways.

He came back to pick up his mail when I was at work.

He left his dirty laundry (I haven't seen some of those for weeks), and half of his clothes in the closest is gone.

I work 12 hrs a day and he still makes me do his laundry while he enjoys his new life at his girlfriend's apartment. What a mess!

[Els]

Well, it's up to you. You both knew what you were getting into. If you both agreed ahead of time that you should both be able to sleep and date around, then what were you expecting? There is no reason for him not to. I would not even call it cheating, because you both agreed upon it beforehand.

 

Leave or stay, it depends on what you prioritize, but I'm puzzled how you could have thought things would turn out differently.

[ktcat]

He started this offer because he didn't want me to leave this country after I finished school.

He said he thought he loved me. I thought I did too.

You're young and don't have any experience, you don't know what you're doing, especially, when you're away from family, friends and the entire community.

[Els]

I understand that, but it was a business transaction still. Also, you were the first to enjoy the fruits of polygamy, so I don't see how you could think that what he did (being with another girl) is wrong now. Weigh the consequences of each of your decisions and decide accordingly, but remember that you make the bed you lie in, and that is still true for your future decisions. You still have choices left.

[ktcat]

Wow. Polygamy? I don't accept that.

Letting go of a man who doesn't want me shouldn't have been that hard.

A little girl who dreamt about a prince charming coming to save her life, didn't end up having happily ever after type of life.

[Els]

"I did enjoy my marriage - for less than one year though.

We started to lose connection. I got less and less attention. Then I was seeing a couple of guys just for fun."

 

Was it not you who started looking for other partners first?

[ktcat]

I don't know who started because we didn't catch each other.

I did enjoy my marriage before he start to change. Before I stated getting rejected every time I try to initiate sex.

Can you see why I got rejected and when he started falling into somebody else?

It's action and reaction.

[stillafool]

We didn't start a false marriage. We were dating with no relationship before we decided to do this, hoping that things would work out.

 

That is starting a false marriage. You didn't even know each other nor were you in love with each other which would prompt him to ask you to marry him for love not for immigration purposes.

 

Again, you started seeing other men and that alone probably turned him off and made him look at you differently. I agree wth others that you should stay married and then leave. I imagine he can't wait for this to be over at this point.

[writergal]

I came from a third world country as a college student. I met a hero who volunteer to help me with my immigration status.

 

You may be legally married but your marriage isn't real. There's no real love between you both.

 

You are aware that you broke the law aren't you? To marry for immigration reasons in the U.S. is against the law.

 

Plus, you admit that you didn't even live with your husband and that you dated other people right after you got married which proves that what you did was a business transaction.

 

Unbelievable. It's people like you who make it difficult for immigrants to come here and the reason why there are immigration laws in place.

 

ETA: Your husband could get into real legal trouble to, if it's discovered that your marriage was a sham. Just divorce the poor guy so he can find a legitimate wife.

Edited June 29, 2012 by writergal

[ktcat]

It is not quite true. I started seeing others a few months after he started going out alone every weekend. He said he was tired, and gave me all kinds of excuses.

I was so mad when I suggested him to go see a doctor b/c i thought he was too young to stop. He refused to do so because there's nothing wrong with his body.

I recently found out what he's been doing when I was busy with work and grad school.

At this point, we got separated. I can no longer live with him that way even if he decides to come back home. I don't know about when we can start doing legal process but as always, I am alone, and very lonely.

[writergal]

It is not quite true. I started seeing others a few months after he started going out alone every weekend. He said he was tired, and gave me all kinds of excuses.

I was so mad when I suggested him to go see a doctor b/c i thought he was too young to stop. He refused to do so because there's nothing wrong with his body.

I recently found out what he's been doing when I was busy with work and grad school.

At this point, we got separated. I can no longer live with him that way even if he decides to come back home. I don't know about when we can start doing legal process but as always, I am alone, and very lonely.

 

Your husband didn't neglect you. He married you because you asked him to help you legally stay in the U.S. without having to go through the proper Visa channels that every other immigrant does who isn't married to an American. So this is also partly his fault too.

 

Then after you two married in a courthouse (presumably), you both lived in separate apartments and dated other people.

 

Now you are worried that your plans to stay in the US will not work out if you have to go through with a divorce. That is why you really posted here. If you had a true marriage (not the marriage of convenience that it actually is), you would have lived together immediately and not dated other people.

 

What you did was illegal and for the wrong reasons. Now your "husband" has decided he wants his life back, is living apart from you and possibly dating other women...and you feel lonely. Like other posters and I have told you, your marriage is a sham because it was done for immigration reasons, not for love.

 

Well, the best thing you can do is to let him go by granting him a divorce, then follow proper procedure to stay in the U.S. as a legal citizen.

Edited June 29, 2012 by writergal

[stillafool]

It is not quite true. I started seeing others a few months after he started going out alone every weekend. He said he was tired, and gave me all kinds of excuses.

I was so mad when I suggested him to go see a doctor b/c i thought he was too young to stop. He refused to do so because there's nothing wrong with his body.

I recently found out what he's been doing when I was busy with work and grad school.

At this point, we got separated. I can no longer live with him that way even if he decides to come back home. I don't know about when we can start doing legal process but as always, I am alone, and very lonely.

 

He probably couldn't believe what he had done (illegally) and you turned him off. It doesn't really matter at this point, the marriage is pretty much over, I suggest you try to find out how long this process will take until you are legal and can get a life of your own. Take this time alone to reflect on your life, where you have been and where you are going. Don't you have friends from work or school to spend time with? I wouldn't suggest you start having more affairs as you should use that time to get yourself together.

[writergal]

I'm worried for the OP's husband as the OP has a sweet (although illegal) deal. The husband will face serious penalties for marrying the OP for her citizenship. For instance, if these two were reported right now, the OP's husband faces up to $250,000 in fines and a minimum of 5 years of jail time.

 

In addition to that, the OP's husband will have to sign paperwork that says he is responsible for financially supporting the OP for the next ten years even when they divorce and either remarry. That's the law. Whether he likes it or not.

 

Essentially, the OP's husband has royally screwed himself financially by marrying the OP just so she could stay in America. And he can't legally remarry until she grants him a divorce.

 

ETA: The OP's immigration process can take up to 5 years. So OP, please show some sense and divorce your husband. It's the least you can do since he's required by law to financially support you. He deserves to be with a woman who actually loves him, and isn't using him to stay for immigration reasons.

Edited June 30, 2012 by writergal

[stillafool]

You are right Writergal, and that is why he probably can't stand to be around OP because everytime he looks at her it is a reminder of how he made the worst decision of his life. Now that he has found a woman he wants to marry he is not free. I wonder if he will lose this OW because who wants to hang around waiting for this mess to end and of course she probably doesn't want to get caught up in his legal problems.

[writergal]

You are right Writergal, and that is why he probably can't stand to be around OP because everytime he looks at her it is a reminder of how he made the worst decision of his life. Now that he has found a woman he wants to marry he is not free. I wonder if he will lose this OW because who wants to hang around waiting for this mess to end and of course she probably doesn't want to get caught up in his legal problems.

 

It's a very sad situation for both the OP and her husband. The OP has to ask herself if it really was worth ruining her husband's life to side-step the proper immigration procedures by marrying him for citizenship.

 

And even if/when the OP grants the divorce they both have to go to immigration services to be interviewed separately and together to explain their reasons for getting divorced, esp. since the husband will be required to sign even more paperwork ensuring the financial support of the OP. Imagine if they had children how that would contribute to this legal mess they are already in. The authenticity of their marriage will be challenged during their interviews too. Hopefully the OP will learn from this experience.

[CopingGal]

We didn't start a false marriage. We were dating with no relationship before we decided to do this, hoping that things would work out.

It was not like just helping a friend.

It was the stage when you try dating someone you barely know and you're not sure if this is the one you want to have a life with.

We just said we would go for a divorce if things don't work out but we (at least I never thought it would happen).

One thing I used to say when I first came here was that I would never marry a guy for a citizenship. I had never met a guy who had treated me nicer than he did. But it didn't last long. He also changed, and he is moving out anyways.

He came back to pick up his mail when I was at work.

He left his dirty laundry (I haven't seen some of those for weeks), and half of his clothes in the closest is gone.

I work 12 hrs a day and he still makes me do his laundry while he enjoys his new life at his girlfriend's apartment. What a mess!

 

 

Okay, but it sounds like you got married without being at the marriage stage, as you were dating with no relationship before you got married. Whatever the case may be, I'm so sorry. That situation sounds bad. Sometimes people can be as nice as pie, but it's all an act...believe me, I know. That's why it's very important to get to know someone slowly and take your time. In your case, you may not have had the luxury of time. Sorry you are in pain.

[writergal]

Okay, but it sounds like you got married without being at the marriage stage, as you were dating with no relationship before you got married. Whatever the case may be, I'm so sorry. That situation sounds bad. Sometimes people can be as nice as pie, but it's all an act...believe me, I know. That's why it's very important to get to know someone slowly and take your time. In your case, you may not have had the luxury of time. Sorry you are in pain.

 

She did. In the first half of her first post, the OP describes what is clearly a marriage for citizenship that went bad. They didn't even live together, they dated other people, and agreed to divorce if it didn't work out. They gave their "marriage" a try for less than a year before the OP's "husband" apparently has changed his mind.

 

I came from a third world country as a college student. I met a hero who volunteer to help me with my immigration status. We went to get married (no fancy wedding reception) and agreed to get a divorce if things don't work out.

 

For the first few years, we did not even move it together. I was dating around with some guys but not many, no serious relationships. In fact, I did not find any guy who had treated me right. On the 4th year, we decided, why not start a new life together; things seem to work out. I did enjoy my marriage - for less than one year though.

 

The reason I am so fired up about this is the lack of accountability from the OP for knowingly breaking the law just to stay in the US for grad school and a new life. Instead she complains that her "husband" is neglecting her and that she feels lonely. She was dating other men after the OP married her "husband!" That's obvious proof that the marriage was a sham from the start. The OP waited 4 years...4 years (!) to try to work on her marriage of convenience. How can that possibly be a real marriage?!

 

Both my parents' parents were first generation immigrants to the US, who went through the correct legal process to become US citizens. If they did it properly, why can't every non-US citizen?

Edited July 1, 2012 by writergal

[stillafool]

 

Instead she complains that her "husband" is neglecting her and that she feels lonely. She was dating other men after the OP married her "husband!"

 

How can she be lonely? What happened to the other boyfriends she was seeing?

[writergal]

How can she be lonely? What happened to the other boyfriends she was seeing?

 

I know, right?

[ktcat]

Thank you all for your response!!

 

I am a writer in my country. I wanted to see the reaction from the audience to my character. I can now see what part of this girl's life makes sense and what doesn't make sense to the community in the real life.

 

I got the information I need so thank you all for your time.

[writergal]

Thank you all for your response!!

 

I am a writer in my country. I wanted to see the reaction from the audience to my character. I can now see what part of this girl's life makes sense and what doesn't make sense to the community in the real life.

 

I got the information I need so thank you all for your time.

 

We've been duped by a writer-troll...nice one ktcat.