Just not into you?

[CMH309]

So I guess the first thing I need to say is that I am a very well rounded adult: I am divorced and the only other relationship I've had since my divorce was VERY dysfunctional so I stayed out of the dating scene (about 2 yrs) until I felt I was in a good place, healed and able to accept rejection, uncertainty, ect.

 

That being said, I screwed up again, I think?

 

I started dating a guy 5 months ago. We took things really slow for the first month, very little kissing, some hand holding, dates 1-2xs a week. I finally stayed over night, there was no intercourse, but we did fool around... Neither of us pushed it so I thought it was normal? Next day he broke up with me (via text) saying he was in a very rough spot in his life right now...blah blah blah but asked if we could meet to talk in person. I wished him the best of luck with everything he was dealing with told him there was no need to meet in person to discuss and goodbye.

 

Well, he convinced me that we should talk in person: he had an emotional break down right in front of me talking about how he has major depression and thinks about killing himself everyday (mind you, very intelligent, sucessful and well rounded guy: I would have never thought this).

 

So anyway, we went to his house to look for psychologist he could visit, we found one and then I stayed with him the rest of the day (honestly, I had no idea what to do, but I know I suffered major depression after my divorce so I knew how horrible it was to feel that way).

 

We didn't talk for two weeks after that, at which point I don't know if I called him to check up or if he called me. Either way, we ended up getting closer: more like a "real" relationship (meeting the kids, vacation planning, more intimate talks, ect) we didn't have intercourse (he could maintain an erection, I assumed it was from some sort of medication or from the depression).

 

(sorry trying to make this brief) So this continues, but he keeps breaking up with me every 3/4 weeks, but everytime he breaks up it is just a way to actually comunicate that he's having a breakdown (ie. A text saying, I can't see you anymore, oh btw I'm contemplating suicide) to which I have no other choice than to call him, "talk" him through what he was going through then the next day we would be back to normal.

 

So around month 4 I asked him if we were in a relationship (we are still not sleeping together and I am now ready, but he knows I will not unless we are exclusive) and he said he was "unsure" of his feelings for me so therefore can't conclude if we are in a relationship, but he has not nor will he see other people. I said fair enough we will be friends until you figure it out... The "friends" thing last about 2 weeks and then we have intercourse.

 

We are fine for about another month when I find out he is on a dating website, I send him a text "you need to decide what you value more me in your life or your online dating profile". So needless to say he didn't respond for 2 days at which time he said we needed to talk about this in person, I said no, you knew my expectations for this relationship after intercourse was for exclusivity and you knew this would hurt me so it is over. He didn't replay for a few days to which I got a very short email saying he was sorry he hurt me and that was not his intention, I was perfect on paper, but he never felt a "spark".

 

I replied with I understand and if he ever got to the point where he needed someone to listen when he was down that I was there, but I have no desire to be his friend at this time. I then set a date for a month from that day where we could meet up and exchange each other's possessions.

 

So here it is, I know there is nothing I can do and I only have to wait and see if he comes back (I'm not entirely sure I even want him back... he's a little too much drama for me), I am already forcing myself to go on other dates, but still I care deeply for him and there's hope for the future between us two if he ever heals from what is aching him... I guess I just need some insight from others that have experience dating... Did I do something wrong? Did I not handle this correctly? I tried to protect myself when he first broke down but than felt bad because I wasn't attached and he needed help (that's just what you do for other human beings) Should I instead not care about anyone and just walk away? Do I need to stop dating again because I suck at it (I haven't been even remotely attracted to anyone) not even sure I was attracted to him, but it felt good (and it should not have because he was treating me poorly)... Any advice? PLEASE?

 

 

And I don't know if this makes me sound extremely conceited, but I don't want anyone to think that I didn't date for so long because I have low self esteem or anything because I do not. I was blessed with super intelligence, I am very sucessful (and still fairly young) and I would still rate myself pretty attractive. I should be a really good catch.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You picked a man who was emotionally unavailable dealing with his own issues and circumstances...he expressed a need for help and suffering from a great depression which was a good way to suck a woman in and seek her support without having to put anything on the bargaining table relationship wise. His medical issues were likely a big influence in you not sleeping together earlier as well.

 

You fell for this act however, hook line and sinker...I'm sure he has his issues but I'm sure he also expected your continued interest once you came back to support him in his great endeavor. At this point it was about you sticking to him, you should have walked away but you didn't, you stayed and developed more emotions for him finally leading to intercourse which is basically the plastic casing to this to-go meal.

 

Now you may be intelligent, but that doesn't you aren't naive when it comes to romance and relationships because you are demonstrating a severe lack of understanding, realistic perspective and not stepping out of the bubble you're in.

 

This guy isn't into you...he was honest about the "spark"...that's a mans way of telling you he doesn't want to be with you and have a relationship with you and he isn't emotionally moved by you to the point of commitment...how are earth do you think this man is going to create that spark with you? completely emotional, all intelligence void.

 

And why you hanging on to a man with such issues...are you jesus christ? do you save people from their issues and problems? you think you will rise from the ashes and bless him with great sensitivities and suddenly he'll look up to you and see that you were all he was looking for?...really, think about it....what are you thinking?

 

When people break down, that is their issue....they are responsible for saving themselves, you should have taken a platonic stance at that point, helped him find an attorney then boarded your magic chariot of love and moved on with your life...not looking back. What do you think is going to happen when you become close to a man and become his emotional support? one that you have romantic interest in?...you wanted to be supportive and help him...well pat yourself on the back, job well done....just don't expect to gain anything for it...because you wouldn't expect anything in return for your good faith and nature anyway right?

 

This man will use your sympathies against you...he's not trying to love you, have a relationship with you or marry you...at best you're a consistent hole to stick his penis in and be his emotional backup when things with the ladies on the singles sites aren't falling for the sympathy/savior trap and realize he's got too many issues because it doesn't work on everybody, not everybody cares and that's why you'll be the first number he dials when no one else is available for him.

 

There's nothing in this for you...If you're as super intelligent as you say you are then you will recognize this...I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt because I know how emotions can blind you...I know that feelings can make you feel like anything is possible even when the writing on the wall is telling you the complete opposite...so give yourself this chance to take yourself out of this equation...because from this point on IF you continue to be this mans puppet...it doesn't matter who you are, what you accomplished or where you been...that's going to be mean nothing...he'll still continue use you until he is done with you if he is not done with you already...and you'll only have yourself to blame for this process, you can't be doing all the work and putting in the effort to make this happen alone...and don't manipulate or obligate a man into having feelings for you.

 

He's not going to heal, he's not going to change....he doesn't have the emotions for you...time to move on. That's your biggest mistake...not because you aren't good enough or any of that crap, just make sure to find a man who feels the same way for you...that's it!

[CMH309]

Thanks for the reply. Brutal honesty always helps. I figured he was using me, but one thing I know for certain is he isn't using me for something to stick whatever into.... Because, well. It's quite obvious.

 

I'm confused about everything with dating. I never, not once emailed or text him first and never asked him for any of his time so I thought I was taking the safe route by thinking if he didn't like me he wouldn't call. I have a lot to learn I understand that I am naive. That's why I'm here asking for advice.

 

But yes, I agree I fell into the "I'm so nice" trap. - Thanks