daphne Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 If you are ok with what he did, then you might be compatible with him. However, if what he did doesn't jive with your morals, then anything but taking a pass on this guy would be illogical. Personally, this would not be a question for me no matter how much I liked a guy. It would turn me off considerably and make me realize that we do not have common core values.
Author ja123 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 This guy doesn't have the boundaries that most people have that keep us from crossing the line. The reason could be that he never had good model to learn proper boundaries. He may be hardened by neglect or abuse so that he detaches from his feelings of guilt or shame. He may be a sexual abuse survivor. He could have a personality disorder. He could be lying to shock you. Or he may just be a cheater with a kink. Whatever the reason, it sounds like you have an issue not only with the act itself, but how he feels about it now. You want him to regret it, and he doesn't. You can't make people feel something. They either do, or they don't. I would definitely be concerned about his lack of boundaries. People with lack of boundaries usual leave a trail of hurt people. They live in the moment and rarely consider consequences and how their actions may affect others. This is a very interesting perspective, Quiet Storm. You know, he does have a hard time feeling his emotions ... and talking about himself ... I noticed that he tends to get overly "into" (I don't know if emotional is the right word) through art, film, and music. He'll often express how much he liked whatever work and for whatever specific reason, and often want my opinion on it; but when it comes to actually expressing his emotions ... like I feel sad, angry, or happy even ... he just doesn't. He does say how good it feels to be with me, but he's never even said, "I like you!" It's like he has to take distance from emotion somehow. He did say something about when he was a kid he felt abnormal, or something ... but we never really got into it ... I didn't want to push. I, obviously, still have to keep my guard about to protect myself. Perhaps he is so cut off from his emotions that he's blocked off any deeper feelings regarding this affair. What type of personality disorder do you think he might have, if you were to guess? You seem to know something about this.
Quiet Storm Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 I couldn't say, because you've only shared one aspect of his personality. If you go to psychcentral.com and look up personality disorders, it has good descriptions of the various types. It may not even be a personality disorder. Usually a personality disordered person will have issues in multiple aspects of their lives, since their teen years. My sister has Borderline Personality Disorder. It stemmed from sexual abuse as a young child. She has been promiscuous and has odd sexual boundaries, but that's not the only symptom. She had an eating disorder, alcohol and addiction issues, trouble holding a job, etc. The lack of boundaries isn't the only problem. These disorders aren't easily treated with medication or therapy.
Author ja123 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 Thanks Quiet Storm, My grandmother has been recently diagnosed with a personality disorder. I'll check out psychcentral. I wish your sister peace on her journey.
ascendotum Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 This situation is a doozey. On one hand its a really ****ty thing to do to your gf (he regulary cheated on her with another family member), but on the other hand, as a guy, its kind of a freaky kinky fantasy fulfilled scenario as well. If such a sitaution presented itself to me by the mom, I'd stop short, but I'd be mulling it over in my mind, especially if the mom was a milf. I really don't know what to advise you on this. It does say something about his character. I can understand him telling his mates about this, but I would expect the vast majority of guys would keep their traps shut to their gfs, if they ever did such a thing, so I can see why you wonder why he confessed to you. I also can see why it bugs you that he does not consider what he did was betrayal....because it certainly is in my book. Do you absolve bad behaviour because the incidents took place 10 yrs ago, and do you factor in the drugs aspect, or does that still reflect a poor lifestyle choice on his part. I guess it comes down to your own moral compass and code of ethics.
Pierre Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 That's why I'm posting here, to keep my self honest in the red flag acknowledgement department. Here are your red flags: He is a cheater and shows no remorse. He is deceitful and shows no remorse. Cheater always a cheater. What bothers me about this most, is less the act itself, and more his inability to see any moral boundaries in it from an adult perspective. Lack of moral boundaries: Narcissist antisocial traits. Why are you spending more than 3 seconds with this man? I think you need therapy.
Author ja123 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 Thanks for your clarity, Pierre; however, do keep in mind that I just found out about this. Narcissistic anti-social traits? I'll google this for sure. The thing is about this guy is that he is that he can so sweet. I'm considering what Quiet Storm said, as well. Perhaps he was very damaged as a child in some way. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't take distance from him, and move on ... If I didn't then, yes, get me to the therapist's.
Author ja123 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 Incidentally, he showed me his fingers ... saying it was a sign of high levels of testosterone: his index finger was significantly shorter than his ring finger. Yet, someone else once told me that that was the sign of a narcissist. I really don't don't know if either is true.
Author ja123 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 This situation is a doozey. On one hand its a really ****ty thing to do to your gf (he regulary cheated on her with another family member), but on the other hand, as a guy, its kind of a freaky kinky fantasy fulfilled scenario as well. If such a sitaution presented itself to me by the mom, I'd stop short, but I'd be mulling it over in my mind, especially if the mom was a milf. I really don't know what to advise you on this. It does say something about his character. I can understand him telling his mates about this, but I would expect the vast majority of guys would keep their traps shut to their gfs, if they ever did such a thing, so I can see why you wonder why he confessed to you. I also can see why it bugs you that he does not consider what he did was betrayal....because it certainly is in my book. Do you absolve bad behaviour because the incidents took place 10 yrs ago, and do you factor in the drugs aspect, or does that still reflect a poor lifestyle choice on his part. I guess it comes down to your own moral compass and code of ethics. People make mistakes. Sure, it's a hot fantasy. But, like I said it wasn't a one-off, either. Yes, it was fuelled by drugs, too. However, 10 years later he still doesn't see anything wrong in it from his part or the mother's part - he seems emotionally cut-off somehow from it. It is that that bothers me. And, yes, why did he choose me to tell? I can't figure ... only that he's been able to talk to me about deep things ... even if he still, somehow, keeps them at a distance. This is too much for my moral compass to bare: no guilt, no remorse. That scares me.
Pierre Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 This is too much for my moral compass to bare: no guilt, no remorse. That scares me. Inability to feel guilt and lack of empathy are hallmarks of narcissism. Narcissists can be very charming (when they have to). They can also sense a potential victim and that would be you. 1
Author ja123 Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 If you are ok with what he did, then you might be compatible with him. However, if what he did doesn't jive with your morals, then anything but taking a pass on this guy would be illogical. Personally, this would not be a question for me no matter how much I liked a guy. It would turn me off considerably and make me realize that we do not have common core values. Yes, I agree, Daphne. Thank you.
Author ja123 Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 Inability to feel guilt and lack of empathy are hallmarks of narcissism. Narcissists can be very charming (when they have to). They can also sense a potential victim and that would be you. Well, victim no more, Pierre. I'm outta this situation. Thanks.
Leigh 87 Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 Disgusting as it is, he sounds like he lacks the capacity to have true empathy. He did not think about what the bond between mother and daughter is like; he did nto consider " wow, there must be a strong force between a mother and her child. The mother grew up as an adult figure, so surely it would be very very messed up for my girlfriends mother to have sex with me. It would be a total betrayel of the mother" ....... The mother was " off" or " mentally not all there" if she was able to have sex with her daughters bofriend. Sorry, but no mother who was mentally healthy or " normal" would be able to have sex with a man her own daughter was with...... Your boyfriend did something totally gross - but he may not be able to feel those usual instincts or feelings that tell MOST people what " wrong" and " right" is. He did not take the mother daughter bond, and what it really is like for a girls mother to commit such a heinus act. He is not clued up on human emotions, between a mother and her daughter, and./or he just has no empathy. I have an older mother - she is almost 60, I am 25......... but our bond is legit, the same bond a YOUNGER mother and her daughter who is closer to her in age, has --- and I would be physically ill if I found out my MUM had sex with mY BOYFRIEND. It is just sickening, and I hope the mother of his ex gets mental help.
SarahRose Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 he is telling you he is a no good cheater. i would get tested for stds too.
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