ja123 Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 (edited) I just had a discussion with a guy I'm dating. He told me that he was with this girl for about 5 years. He was in his early twenties, and they were living together. For the last three years (of the 5 he was with his GF), he and her mother had an on-again-off-again affair. He used to do a lot of drugs with her (the mom) ... and, then, they started having sex. Well, I guess I could explain it from a young-horny-strung-out-on-drugs guy's point of view ... it's the ultimate fantasy ... and getting to taste the forbidden fruit. However, he said he really didn't feel like he was cheating, and he doesn't know why that is. They both kept it a secret and the daughter never found out. He still hears about how they are doing from the youngest sister who sometimes keeps in contact with him. But he is not in direct contact with either the mother or the daughter. He doesn't live in the same country anymore. Incidentally, the younger sister is gay ... otherwise, who knows, eh? I said, well, it's the mother I'm more shocked at ... as it's the ultimate betrayal of her own child, her daughter. He said he told a couple of other people and that was their reaction, too. But, he just doesn't see it as a betrayal from the mother's part. He just seems rather neutral about it, but I can tell that somewhere he is intoxicated with the idea that it happened. If I'm honest, it is a pretty hot idea, but somewhere I'm disgusted, too. And wondering if he'll be that sneaky with me. I'm also wondering why he's sharing this with me. It happened 10 years ago. What are your thoughts, Love-shackers? Edited June 25, 2012 by ja123
phineas Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 If he really told you this i'd think he was retarded so you should dump him. Unless your mom & aunts & sisters & cousins are all fat. Then you got nothing to worry about. 2
yongyong Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 This is why you can't compliment someone's mom in America I saw this girl and her mom. I thought she was her friend and realized it was her mom! I was about to say how she still looked so young blah blah but kept my mouth shut. you guys know why....(omg, this guy wants to bang my mom!!) Anyways, I guess he can brag about it to his close friends. (so I banged this chick and her mom lol). He talked to you about this because either his head is messed up or he doesn't care about you at all. I think it's both....honestly... It's like you telling him 'I got gang banged by 3 guys at house party' 1
Feelsgoodman Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 I said, well, it's the mother I'm more shocked at ... as it's the ultimate betrayal of her own child, her daughter. He said he told a couple of other people and that was their reaction, too. It just shows you that women are capable of anything. It would be unheard of for a man to have sex with his son's girlfriend.
anne1707 Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 It just shows you that women are capable of anything. It would be unheard of for a man to have sex with his son's girlfriend. Oh really? Father Indicted For Sex With Son's Girlfriend, 15 - Chicago Tribune 3
Author ja123 Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 Yes, he really did tell me this. He's all into reading about psychoanalysis and trying to figure himself out. And sometimes he talks about deep subject matters. He says he thinks he's 'split'. He's very open with me, and I with him. I really enjoy our conversations and find them to be intellectually stimulating. But, I've been through enough hardships with men, and these days when I see a red-flag then I want to admit that it is one, and not just minimize it (like I've done in the past.) That's why I'm posting here, to keep my self honest in the red flag acknowledgement department. What bothers me about this most, is less the act itself, and more his inability to see any moral boundaries in it from an adult perspective.
somedude81 Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 I like how him sleeping with the GF's mom is more important than the two of them doing drugs together.
Author ja123 Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 He talked to you about this because either his head is messed up or he doesn't care about you at all. I think it's both....honestly... It's like you telling him 'I got gang banged by 3 guys at house party' Yeah, I was wondering why he would tell me. I know we've had some deep conversations, but when he told me how the mom guided him and taught him ... it felt like too much information! Information that you wouldn't want to share with someone that you're dating; unless, maybe he's jealous of me and trying to hurt me somehow. I will admit to feeling some retroactive jealously, but I kept it in check and didn't show it. In the past, when I've had lovers and we shared some of our previous sexual stories ... it just never went well. It leaves the current partner with a bad taste in his mouth. It's kind of a general rule now, not to discuss such details. Everyone has a past ... But, I guess I should consider myself lucky in that he told me ... particularly the part that about what he said about not feeling like he was cheating, or that he currently still doesn't see how it was a betrayal on the mother's part.
Author ja123 Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 I like how him sleeping with the GF's mom is more important than the two of them doing drugs together. Interesting comment ... Do you mean from his perspective? Or, from mine? Well, I think his visiting his GF's mom to do drugs without the GF was a form of emotional cheating. And doing the drugs with somebody's parent ... especially, when it's the parent's job to steer the 'kids' on to a better path is pretty, pretty bad to start with. But the sex with the mom crosses a bigger line from my perspective.
somedude81 Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Interesting comment ... Do you mean from his perspective? Or, from mine? Well, I think his visiting his GF's mom to do drugs without the GF was a form of emotional cheating. And doing the drugs with somebody's parent ... especially, when it's the parent's job to steer the 'kids' on to a better path is pretty, pretty bad to start with. But the sex with the mom crosses a bigger line from my perspective. IMO, doing drugs with the mom was the bigger deal. I'd almost be willing to say that if they didn't do drugs together, then they wouldn't have started having sex. It's probably something that happened when they weren't all there. BTW, he's clean and sober right?
yongyong Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 'The birds of feather flock together' Whatever happens to you, don't blame the guy. you made a choice.
Author ja123 Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 'The birds of feather flock together' Whatever happens to you, don't blame the guy. you made a choice. What do you mean by this? That I am the same as he is? That we're birds of a feather? As for whatever happens to me, don't blame the guy? What do you mean? I'm saying although shocked and sad to hear this revelation from this man, that it's good I know so that I can protect myself and get the hell out of here! Red flags! Red Flags! That's why I'm here posting, I know what I have to do: I gotta dump this guy. It really sucks though because I really liked him and we seemd to connect on so many levels. I'll be honest with you, Love shackers, I'm getting discouraged in the dating game. But the good news is, is that my skin is a lot thicker because of it. I'm just wondering if it keeps getting any thicker, will I still be able to love again. I'm starting to feel jaded.
kaylan Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 What a creep. I wouldnt trust a person like this. And what mom does that to her daughter? Drugs or no drugs, they both sounds like s**tty human beings.
Feelsgoodman Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Oh really? Father Indicted For Sex With Son's Girlfriend, 15 - Chicago Tribune Okay, anything can happen, but it's pretty damn rear. Women having sex with their daughters' boyfriends, on the other hand, seem to be all over the place.
serial muse Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 'The birds of feather flock together' Whatever happens to you, don't blame the guy. you made a choice. Er, this seems a little premature. Damn. She only brought it up on here like an hour ago. How about giving the poor girl a chance to process this bomb the guy dropped on her before telling her she's made her bed and she'll have to lie in it and yadda yadda? Man, this place is awfully preemptive sometimes. OP. I agree that the most troubling part of the whole shebang (har har) is that he doesn't actually see anything wrong with it. Retroactive jealousy aside, this is the part that is directly relevant to you - what his moral sensibilities are, and if they are in tune with yours. That is the thing that is worth pondering. Have you asked him why he told you this? I agree that that's odd too. Could be because he wanted to get it off his chest, because he was titillated by it, because it was a power play to make you feel badly (why would he want to do that?), because he was just talking and it didn't seem like a big deal to him, after all. None of those is exactly a green flag, BTW. But you might as well explore this. It's hard to see this in any light that makes it look good. 1
Author ja123 Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 IMO, doing drugs with the mom was the bigger deal. I'd almost be willing to say that if they didn't do drugs together, then they wouldn't have started having sex. It's probably something that happened when they weren't all there. BTW, he's clean and sober right? Apart from the occasional pot while watching a movie, he is clean and sober. I think you are right, they probably wouldn't have slept together if it weren't for the massive amount of drugs they were doing. But what is your take, Somedude, of the fact that he said it didn't feel like cheating and that he doesn't (10 years later) see how the mother betrayed her daughter?
kaylan Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 And I dont think its a hot idea at all OP. Yes screwing an attractive mom is a hot idea...but not the mother of my own girlfriend. JeezIt just shows you that women are capable of anything. It would be unheard of for a man to have sex with his son's girlfriend. Youre kidding right?
serial muse Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Apart from the occasional pot while watching a movie, he is clean and sober. I think you are right, they probably wouldn't have slept together if it weren't for the massive amount of drugs they were doing. I mean...maybe. But it's still a gigantic barrier for most people to cross - not just cheating, but cheating with the parent of your partner. Yikes. That he did cross it, and doesn't regret it now, is troublesome. The drugs don't really seem all that relevant to me, actually. This is a thing that this person is willing to do. 1
somedude81 Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Apart from the occasional pot while watching a movie, he is clean and sober. I think you are right, they probably wouldn't have slept together if it weren't for the massive amount of drugs they were doing. But what is your take, Somedude, of the fact that he said it didn't feel like cheating and that he doesn't (10 years later) see how the mother betrayed her daughter? Of course the mother sleeping with him is a betrayal. Ask him how'd he like it if you started sleeping with his father.
Author ja123 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 Er, this seems a little premature. Damn. She only brought it up on here like an hour ago. How about giving the poor girl a chance to process this bomb the guy dropped on her before telling her she's made her bed and she'll have to lie in it and yadda yadda? Man, this place is awfully preemptive sometimes. Thanks! OP. I agree that the most troubling part ... is that he doesn't actually see anything wrong with it. ... this is the part that is directly relevant to you - what his moral sensibilities are, and if they are in tune with yours. That is the thing that is worth pondering. Yes, absolutely. This is where I stand now, and thinking that if he hasn't learned anything from that experience, then he can do it again. Have you asked him why he told you this? I agree that that's odd too. Could be because he wanted to get it off his chest, because he was titillated by it, because it was a power play to make you feel badly (why would he want to do that?), because he was just talking and it didn't seem like a big deal to him, after all. I think it was a big deal that he told me. I'm the first woman he has ever told. In fact, he doesn't talk to many people about his deep, personal stuff. On some level, I think he just wanted to share, considering we've had deep conversations in the past. Maybe he was trying to gage my moral compass, or would I somehow absolve him ?? I ultimately don't know, and asking him is a very good suggestion. However, I don't think I want to even salvage anything. I think he's too busy with himself and his psychology, and perhaps he ought get it off his chest in a professional setting. On some level, I guess it shows that he's open enough, and trusting enough to share it with me. But, then again, he's thinking of himself, as he didn't really think about how it would make me feel: I cite back to the details given which aroused my retroactive jealousy. All he had to say was he had sex (I can put two and two together myself), I didn't need the extra details
Author ja123 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 I mean...maybe. But it's still a gigantic barrier for most people to cross - not just cheating, but cheating with the parent of your partner. Yikes. That he did cross it, and doesn't regret it now, is troublesome. The drugs don't really seem all that relevant to me, actually. This is a thing that this person is willing to do. Yeah, and it was not a one time slip either. They kept up this facade for 3 years, on and off.
Author ja123 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 Ask him how'd he like it if you started sleeping with his father. Good one!!! Yeah, that might kick his moral compass in line a bit and give him some perspective. Not my job to change anyone though, I learned that the hard way. Look for red flags. Don't minimize. Don't fantasize that somehow, through loving me, he'll change. (or she'll change, for you guys.) Didn't listen to that advice, once upon a time, and went on to buy the t-shirt and got kicked in the teeth.
luvinthesun Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 It's nasty... Both of em. Always a cheater... Imagine what he will do to u. Hide ur mom ... Daughter... Nieeces...
Quiet Storm Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 This guy doesn't have the boundaries that most people have that keep us from crossing the line. The reason could be that he never had good model to learn proper boundaries. He may be hardened by neglect or abuse so that he detaches from his feelings of guilt or shame. He may be a sexual abuse survivor. He could have a personality disorder. He could be lying to shock you. Or he may just be a cheater with a kink. Whatever the reason, it sounds like you have an issue not only with the act itself, but how he feels about it now. You want him to regret it, and he doesn't. You can't make people feel something. They either do, or they don't. I would definitely be concerned about his lack of boundaries. People with lack of boundaries usual leave a trail of hurt people. They live in the moment and rarely consider consequences and how their actions may affect others.
Recommended Posts