breakup is playing on my mind...

[Skalabanan]

Hey All,

 

This is going to be a long confusing story so I'll try my best to get it all across to you.

 

I have recently just split up with my girlfriend of 4 years and 3 months, we had just moved out together and had been living happily (least I thought) together for the past 2 months. I'm a 26 year old male and she is 22 (almost 23) and we met each other whilst at University.

 

Throughout the duration of our relationship there was no breakups, no real time apart where we gave the relationship space for a couple of weeks, there was no fighting, and no what I'd consider big arguments.

 

One evening my girlfriend was acting what I considered to be a bit strange, when I entered the living room she was texting someone but the minute I entered the room she stopped and put it the phone down. I didn't think too much into it but still found it weird none the less as she doesn't need to stop on my behalf, I stupidly wanted to see who she was texting so I waited for her to go in the shower to have a look (I know this is bad) but she had taken in phone in the bathroom with her, I mean who needs to know if someones contacting them that badly?

 

So after this I decided to confront her about the text, as I confronted her a text came through and she showed me it was from her friend (a girl) and that she didn't know why she felt she had to hide the fact she was texting from me.

 

I probed further and my girlfriend preceded to tell me that she felt like she needed some space from me as she felt the spark had gone in the relationship, this hit me like a train, it was something I didn't see coming and didn't even expect. She pointed to the lack of affection we show to each other and how she felt we were becoming friends more than a couple.

 

I gave her 5 days and went home to my parents house whilst she stayed in our home, on the 5th day I contacted her on Monday morning and said if it is okay if we meet up on the weekend and she said she wasn't sure if she was ready for that, this sent me into a major panic, what I thought was a innocent time apart from her was clearly something a lot more serious that I'd envisaged. I got into a panic and told her I was coming to see her that evening after work to talk things through, she begged me not to come as it was only going to slow down her thinking process but I was in such a bad place I had to go see her.

 

I arrived at the house and we was civil for the first hour, chatting about our week and what we had been up to and the stresses and problems we were facing in our day to day working lives, the usual small talk really.

 

Then I finally managed to probe the situation and tried to get an answer about what she was feeling and why she needed the time apart, she just kept coming back to me letting me know she needed space and she wasn't sure how she felt, some days she would feel like she wants me back and can't live without me and others she felt that we might be over. She didn't want to make a snap decision and in her words let go of the love of her life, she reiterated she still loved me and that she could continue to live with me as it made her happy, safe and whatever else but she still felt the spark was missing.

 

I knew how hard the previous 5 days were and couldn't imagine myself sitting around for months whilst I waited for her to make a decision, I got to a bad place and virtually begged for her to give us a chance, this was the first road block we had hit in the relationship and it felt like she couldn't wait to bail on us.

 

The conversation went back and forth for hours and we were getting no where, she couldn't make a decision to commit there and then in terms of staying with me or ending it. I let her know that I couldn't go through the pain of waiting around so I ended it.

 

It seemed to be in an amicable fashion, we had spent around 4 nights crying together over the situation and we shed a few more tears when we came to the decision to split.

 

The next morning on Tuesday I left the house to her crying on the bed and saying she loves me, I went to work and felt like someone had died, how I kept it together at work I'll never know but the minute I got back to my parents house I burst into a state of uncontrollable tears.

 

Tuesday and Wednesday I continued to text her, she responded to each text but some quicker than others and I got the feeling she really needed me to hold back, I said to myself I'm going to have to let her be and cut back on the contact.

 

All of Thursday I managed to hold back from communicating with her until she rung me, I answered the phone and she rung to let know something very trivial that could've easily been sent via a text message, we had a bit of small talk and left it at that. That evening she texts me first again, this time a picture of a cake she made and asking if it made me jealous, we exchanged a couple of texts that evening but nothing in relation to our past/relationship.

 

It's now Monday and for the past 4 days she has contacted me first, asking me if I'm enjoying my nights out and what I'm up to etc..., she then asked if we could meet up this week as we are both off work but only if I felt that I could, she also said in a text that she misses talking to me.

 

I'm yet to give a definitive answer as to whether I'll go see her but I feel I've got so many questions to ask.

 

I've got so many things that are bugging me -

 

- I had to make a decision on splitting up with someone I didn't ever want to leave, it feels like I had to do the leg work for her.

- She is contacting me and asking to meet up, has she already moved on this quickly and see me as a friend already?

- I need to know why she gave up on us so easily, this first hurdle we've had and she doesn't even want to attempt to solve the problems we've got.

 

A little bit of additional information that might help you guys understand the situation a bit more.

 

- My girlfriend has never had any close friends in the time we've been together, she would make friends wherever she worked but the minute she left that job she wouldn't stay in contact with them, so the people she gets on with are largely "acquaintances".

- In the last two months at work she has started to go out with her work colleagues a lot more, I feel she has started to make a bond with these people a lot more than anyone else she has spent time with in our 4+ years together.

 

Has she found someone else?

Has her work mates poisoned her mind?

Has she just decided enough is enough and she wants to live her life differently.

 

I've got a million and one questions to ask but I'd love if you guys could give me some feedback on what I've written thus far.

 

I'm sorry my English is pretty bad, I've never been good at articulating my thoughts.

 

I should also add, when she asked to meet up this week I said I was busy Tuesday and she responded why, have you got a date?

Edited June 25, 2012 by Skalabanan

[Philosoraptor]

Nothing you are experiencing is uncommon. You're confused and it certainly seems that she is as well.

 

The question you need to ask is what you want out of this. So what is it? If you want to let it go and move on, do so. Stop making contact, heal up, and maybe one day in the future you might have a decent friendship.

 

If you want it to work out I'd make it clear to her when she asks to meet up saying you only want to meet if she wants to continue this relationship and work on communication so this issue doesn't pop up again one day in the future. If she agrees then maybe it will work, if she can't agree you need to take care of yourself and make no contact until you've healed.

 

Right now don't focus on what she may doing or she may want. Figure out where you want to go from here and set those boundaries appropriately. Do what is best for you.

[Skalabanan]

As always with break ups you put yourself in a catch 22 situation.

 

I broke up with her when I really didn't want too but she left me no option, I still harbor massive feelings towards her and thus far she is the love of my life, I guess I do hope she realizes she made a mistake and wants me back but I fully understand I can't live my life living with that hope.

 

I guess short term I want to understand where it all went wrong so the same mistakes aren't made again.

[Jose11]

Skalabanan - I know exactly where you are coming from.

 

The exact same thing happened to me, except we weren't living together. We were together for 8 years, no major fights, no breaks in the relationship, nothing that would make you believe we werent happy. a few months ago she broke the news to me that she wasn't happy. She didn't want for us to break up but she just didn't know what she wanted. I of course like you was blindsided with this. I begged and pleaded with her to reconsider, which was not my finest moment, and of course that didnt work. So I gave her two weeks to think about it and we met up again. She of course didn't know what she wanted at that time. and me not wanting to lose her said ok i cant expect you to make a decision like this right away so she said to give her two weeks.

 

three weeks later she called saying the same thing she didn't know what she wanted and hadn't called me because she just didn't know to tell me. We caught up about what we had been doing and again i agreed to three weeks we'll meet again.

 

We met again and she was like your gf. She didn't know what she wanted and didn't want to lose me, so I had to end things with her even though I didnt want to. I did the leg work. I think deep down inside she wanted to walk away from this thinking she still wanted to try, but i was the one who gave up. So she didn't feel she was 100% to blame for us breaking up.

 

 

The point is that all this time i was giving her was HELL to me. I was stuck in limbo not being able to heal. Was i broken up? Were we going to get back together? Should I be mad at her for making me an option instead of a priorit? Should I be happy she was trying to work on us?

 

The things you have to remember is, what do you want? Tell her. Don't wait. If she hasn't come back to you yet its becuase she doesnt really want to. There is no one holding her back from you outside of her. It's going to hurt like hell, but the earlier you find out where you stand with her, the earlier you can start working on healing yourself. It's a long road which I am still on so don't think you traveling it by yourself.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Skalabanan]

Thanks for you reply Jose, I really appreciate it.

 

My main issue is trying to find out where it all went wrong so I don't make the same mistakes again.

 

Understand what she wants from me, we've only been split up for 6 days and she wants to meet up on the 7th day, what good can come from seeing her so soon?

 

What puzzles me most is that last Monday when I asked her to meet up on the weekend just gone she said no because she wasn't sure where her head was at, 4 days on and she wants to meet on Wednesday which is only 3 days after the time I suggested, has she healed already and did me making the decision to split put a different aspect on things?

[Jose11]

It might have been nothing you did at all that lead to where you are now. I look back at my relationship and I see the issue was with communication, but with her mostly. I was pretty good at communicating with her my thoughts and feelings, but she really wasn't with me. She said made decisions about our relationship that she never told me about so I never knew. for example, she herself decided to cut back on hanging out with her friends and family to hang out with me most of the time. I never told her nor gave her the impression I would be upset if she didn't want to hang out with me all the time. But she said she wanted to spend all her time with me and she really shouldn't have. So it might not have been anything you did or did not do.

 

As for meeting up so soon, I don't really know her or you. From what you have said your relationship was pretty good, so she didn't make this decision about her feelings overnight. She was probably thinking about it for a while before she told you and she has had a longer time to think about this than you. So who knows what she wants. Perhaps the shock of separating from you has her realizing this isn't what she wants or maybe she just wants to cut things off.

 

Best advice going into this meeting with her is hope for the best, BUT expect the worst. Make sure you have a realistic view on what will happen. Also know what you want from this meeting. Do you want her? Do you want closure? I know a lot of this makes sense but once you throw emotions into this equation, all of it goes out the window. lol. But just try to keep it together.

[Skalabanan]

I moved away from my friends and family to be with my girlfriend, for the 4 years + we were together I never told her but I never went out with my friends and missed out on holidays with them because I couldn't bare the fought of her being alone, plus I really enjoyed the time with her.

 

All of sudden she has finally started to get a little circle of "friends" at work and now she feels guilty going out with them whilst I'm stuck at home because I've moved away from my friends.

 

I'll never fully understand our break-up I guess but if I could piece some of it together than maybe I can recover and make progress in my life quicker than it might take as I am now.

[Jose11]

As long as we can look back and live with the decisions we made, then you have nothing to worry about. My ex told me she regrets missing out on somethings she didn't get to be with me. I realized gave up just as much as my ex did too, cut back on being with friends and family to make time with her. I gave up some interesting opportunities as well. But i look back and think how come I don't feel the same as her? And you know what I realized, it was worth it. I had plenty of life experiences that I missed out on some but gain others when I was with her.

 

I actually feel sad for her not feeling the same. If she looks back and sees only what she missed out on and not what she did experience, then hey she has to live with that and not me.

[BDranger]

You're not alone, I was with a girl who was like that....

 

I'm on month 4 of No Contact, and I haven't seen her in I forget how many months now. The one thing I learned is you can't make someone "feel". They just do. Just remember the last thing she should remember about you are happy thoughts. So whatever messages you send have it up-beat and light hearted but quick, short and to the point.

 

I'm not sure If I potentially ruined a 2nd chance but if she is like everyother girl I've come to know they always come back because I have never gave them a reason not to. A lot of the time the damage is done by their own mind - not me. Like a few others have said know what YOU want, not what you think SHE wants. Only YOU make YOU happy, so make your own decisions and live the life that matters to you.

[Skalabanan]

Hey guys,

 

Thanks for the responses.

 

We had further dialogue last night via text, it all started about our plans to see each other and snowballed.

 

This is how the main events of the communication panned out -

 

- I said I need to understand our break up so I don't make the same mistakes in the future, and she said "what with future gf's you mean" and I said well yeah and it really got to her.

- I said it's been a week since we split how has a life as a singleton been and she said she still hasn't considered herself as being single.

- She said she felt the spark had gone in our relationship, she felt lonely, she needed more affection and that she felt like more of a friend than someone I wanted sexual contact with and that shes too young to feel under appreciated.

- I told her we could've put it right with some communication, she replied that the last thing she wanted to do was hurt me, right now she needs to think about herself and what she wants from a relationship and when she has maybe there will be a chance for us.

- I said how do you view me now and she said honestly didn't know.

- I said to her to be a good friend to her in the future I need closure as I'll forever feel like her lover until we move on, she said that will come in time and that she know's it doesn't help but the door itself closed on "us".

- I said well how can I be a friend now and she said she don't know how it's all confusing.

 

So I've got to a stage where I can accept we're over but it appears to me she hasn't even begun to contemplate what a break up really is?

 

Where do I go from here, I do want to be there for her in life even as a friend but she needs to understand that to do so we do need to move on from our minds thinking we're lovers.

[Skalabanan]

Does anyone think she could've cheated on me during the relationship?

[Philosoraptor]

Does anyone think she could've cheated on me during the relationship?

It honestly doesn't matter. If you're worried then get an STD check. The past is over so start living mindfully in the present.

[Charlie25]

Does anyone think she could've cheated on me during the relationship?

 

Ouch, sorry about your situation. Sounds pretty terrible. The whole story about she hiding her phone and taking it to the bathroom sounds pretty suspicious.

 

Im not saying she cheated, but i think there is a big chance there is another guy involved. Lots of young girls find themselves infatuated, maybe even in love with two guys at the same time (and lets be honest here, women have all the power in the dating market). So when things start to get stale, they begin to wonder about "the other guy" and so stuff like this happens.

 

I think what you need to do is bow gracefully out of her life and initiate NC. A friend of mine was in a very similar situation. He begged and pleaded and tried to tell his GF how much better he was than the other guy, and all he did was push her right into his arms (that is assuming there is another guy involved)