So, @ my girlfriend's urging, I'm going to post this to all the single guys out there

June 25, 2012

I understand that and agree that stepping out of your comfort zone is a good thing. However, this whole thread sounds almost like a religious sermon. Walking on water??

Also, you don't need to do anything extreme to step outside your comfort zone. You just need to start meeting and interacting with new people. It's as simple as that.

Well for some people it takes something extreme to get them out of that comfort zone. Do you get out of your comfort zone?

June 25, 2012

Well for some people it takes something extreme to get them out of that comfort zone. Do you get out of your comfort zone?

Every day of the week. In fact, I don't think I even have one.

June 25, 2012

@Meeks7 I've been thinking about going to Africa for one of these life-changing experiences. Which group/affiliation did you sign up with in order to help the African orphans?

June 25, 2012

Ah yes. The get your own passions in order, be happy with them, and find a woman friends first style without looking for her advice.

I'm definitely never going that route again. Burned one too many times.

But I am glad it worked out for you. I think people can get into a good relationship in many ways. Just off the top of my head, this guy in my social circle was a waiter, he hit on a customer he thought was cute, and they're gonna have their 2nd kid soon.

But either, way, congrats, and good story.

June 25, 2012

Consider this. Your trip to Kenya could have ended quite differently. You could have caught some tropical disease and died of fever. Or you could have been mugged and killed by local criminals. Life is unpredictable.

But it didn't.

June 25, 2012

Ah yes. The get your own passions in order, be happy with them, and find a woman friends first style without looking for her advice.

I'm definitely never going that route again. Burned one too many times.

You know I only mean you well, jobaba, but I'm curious why you think you got 'burned' by learning how to be happy with your own passions. If you feel all of that was a waste of time simply because you 'didn't get a woman', then I think you missed the entire point of the advice. The 'be happy with yourself' advice doesn't necessarily mean 'put on a happy facade so that the woman THINKS you're happy with yourself'. It genuinely means learn to be happy with yourself and embrace your passions. That is never, ever a waste of time, regardless of whether or not it happens to net you the woman you desire.

June 25, 2012

Here's the deal: if you had a completely free choice between being happy and being unhappy, which would you pick? If you pick happy, some people here are willing to suggest ways to attain some happiness, and it's usually based on their experience of life. Most advice is a form of nostalgia, after all.

It doesn't guarantee you sex, a woman, a man, children, a house in the Hamptons, immortality or perpetual bliss. Some of us will never have sex. Some will never marry. Some will never have children. Some won't make it past their 5th birthday. Some will have sex with the prom queen, marry, have children, get a place in the Hamptons and live a long, meaningful, happy life and die peacefully in their sleep.

Life is not fair. It can be, however, very enjoyable, or worthwhile, and it is strength of character that tends to get us through the difficult times. Sometimes it pays to drop your guard and test your assumptions. Sometimes it will hurt. Others it may well pay off. If you feel you need to keep everything in your life the same, not much will change. If what you're doing isn't making you happy, try doing something else. Or not - up to you. Whatever advice anyone gives, it's just suggestions. This is you life, so do with it whatever you want to and can do.

June 25, 2012

You know I only mean you well, jobaba, but I'm curious why you think you got 'burned' by learning how to be happy with your own passions. If you feel all of that was a waste of time simply because you 'didn't get a woman', then I think you missed the entire point of the advice. The 'be happy with yourself' advice doesn't necessarily mean 'put on a happy facade so that the woman THINKS you're happy with yourself'. It genuinely means learn to be happy with yourself and embrace your passions. That is never, ever a waste of time, regardless of whether or not it happens to net you the woman you desire.

Hey.

You misunderstood. There will always be a place in my life for my passion. I'm a musician and no woman or brooding will ever change that about me.

I was just commenting on the friends first angle. Works for some, for others, not so much.

In terms of getting burned, every woman I've fallen after getting to know for a long period of time with totally no intentions of attraction going in has rejected me ... so, not again for me.

But I do agree with the advice in general. I'm finally almost over my last bitter rejection and I'm spending more time playing music than worrying about dating and complaining about and bashing women. I do agree with OP, that taking focus away from dating may make you happier. I don't agree that it will necessarily help you find someone.

Edited June 25, 2012 by jobaba

June 25, 2012

It might make you a more attractive proposition.

Not because it makes you into a muscular, 6'4" tall, intelligent, humorous, authentic, kind, yet humble human being.

You become more attractive when you're happy in yourself and you have other interests, in large part because you're not as likely to latch on like a limpet to the slightest sign of interest, kiss, fling, summer romance, and that means it's, well, just easier, to see how far you want to go together.

June 25, 2012

But I do agree with the advice in general. I'm finally almost over my last bitter rejection and I'm spending more time playing music than worrying about dating and complaining about and bashing women. I do agree with OP, that taking focus away from dating may make you happier. I don't agree that it will necessarily help you find someone.

I strongly agree with the last sentence. It's all well and good to encourage people to be happy with themselves, and to just deal with the unfair deck life has dealt them. But I think adding the whole "and then you'll be more attractive, and more likely to find someone!" is not helpful. It raises expectations and hope too much.

For me, personally, if I'm going around trying to just enjoy my life despite my eternal singledom, being told that it'll "help me find someone" just gives me false hope... so as life stretches on with no relationship in sight, I fall back into a cycle of disappointment and bitterness.

I think we just need to encourage people to be happy in their forever-single life, and leave it there. Some of us are just doomed to being alone for life, and it's better to accept it now.

June 25, 2012

That is an inspiring story, thank you for sharing.

To boil it down to what your target audience REALLY NEEDS to be able to internalize - and evidently is nowhere near capable of doing so:

But I didn't go to Kenya to get a girlfriend. I went to stretch myself, and to step out of my comfort zone and to help the orphans of Kenya.

June 25, 2012

For me, personally, if I'm going around trying to just enjoy my life despite my eternal singledom, being told that it'll "help me find someone" just gives me false hope...

I don't think it will "help you find someone" but it WILL help you have an enriching life that you find worthwhile, and develop traits in you (general "you," not specific) that will make you more and more desirable and more suited to be a partner to another person. If such a person arrives on the scene.

June 25, 2012

I don't think it will "help you find someone" but it WILL help you have an enriching life that you find worthwhile, and develop traits in you (general "you," not specific) that will make you more and more desirable and more suited to be a partner to another person. If such a person arrives on the scene.

Which is entirely a matter of luck.

I also don't quite understand the bolded. The longer I'm single... even single and making my life "worthwhile" (whatever that means)... the LESS I find I'm suitable to a relationship. I'm becoming more selfish, more flaky. By not dating or being in a relationship for so long, I am forgetting HOW to date or be in a relationship.

For example, yesterday I was hanging out with a group of friends. One particular guy in the group I am interested in, but I've gotten so rusty at the whole "dating" thing I don't even know how to go about trying. I was also mentioning my ex a lot... not slagging him, just recounting funny stories. One of the girls pulled me aside and advised me that if I wanted a chance with the guy, I needed to knock off the ex-talk.

I am so used to being single, and just doing my thing, that I can't even consciously think," This is how I should behave to appear date-worthy."

Long story short, I think you either need to dedicate yourself to dating, or dedicate yourself to being single. But if you dedicate yourself to being single (as in, "I'm going to make my life worthwhile without a relationship!") you're going to end up, ya know, single.

Dating is like everything else in life. You can't just ignore it, and assume it'll fall in your lap. It's great to be single and lead a worthwhile life, but it is NOT gonna to lead to a relationship.

June 25, 2012

An interesting person with passions and who is true to themselves, accountable for themselves and how they are living life at the very core of their being is a better partner for another person than one who doesn't have those qualities.

Having those qualities does not "get" you a relationship.

June 25, 2012

An interesting person with passions and who is true to themselves, accountable for themselves and how they are living life at the very core of their being is a better partner for another person than one who doesn't have those qualities.

Having those qualities does not "get" you a relationship.

I'd just say that pursuing your interests, being true to yourself and taking responsibility is it's own reward. It's really a pretty big reward when you think about it, and is very much worth doing.

June 25, 2012

Consider this. Your trip to Kenya could have ended quite differently. You could have caught some tropical disease and died of fever. Or you could have been mugged and killed by local criminals. Life is unpredictable.

Ha... do you think none of us (me or my teammates) considered this possibility? In fact, here's a crazy fact. The US Embassy URGED us not to go to Kenya during that time, because of the Referendum that was taking place and how violent it could get. We even viewed leaked clips online of Kenya bombings and shootings. Looked like a scene out of an action movie. It was crazy.

So crazy in fact that 3 team members dropped out.

But here's the thing about faith. I won't get into it too deeply but because of my faith in God and His calling on my life in THAT SEASON, I knew He would protect me in Kenya, because I was being called there. I know this may sound weird but those with a personal relationship with Christ will know what I'm speaking of; obedience yields to growth and the safest place to be is in the center of God's will. I much rather be in His will than outside it. I could just as easily have died in a car crash at HOME that summer.

Sure enough, we were protected. Of course, there's a fine thin line between faithfulness and foolishness. We did our due diligence in making sure the trip was as safe as possible (we would live with a pastor's family, a family in which has hosted previous Kenya team members in the past).

The craziest experience of the trip was being stopped in the middle of the road by these two huge soldiers/guards. They had like a rifle and started talking to the pastor in Swahili. I just kept praying silently lol. Finally after 3 minutes (some of the most tense 3 minutes of my life! Even had flashbacks to the vehicle-soldier scene from KITE RUNNER) the soldiers let us pass through safely.

I tell you what, those 3 minutes alone made me realize getting rejected by girls and not having a girlfriend was FAR from the worst thing in life. The trip simply helped me to re-prioritize my energy and focus, shifting from immature to being steadier and more appreciatative of life's full offerings. There's so much more to life than getting a GF or being in an intimate relationship. And you know the greatest thing about it... is the PEACE and LIBERATION you feel when you don't make EVERY female encounter life or death... when you stop caring about when you'll find a GF -- rather focusing on being the best you that you can be, so that when the day comes, you'll be READY for a mature and solid relationship.

It sucks though for people who just can't get over their own mental hurdles. I know what it's like. Really sucky. You read things like this and you can't process it. Because your life is just all you know. I'm very fortunate to say, and it was based on MY ACTIONS (i.e. being proactive) that I'm now where I am, physically, emotionally and mentally.

I'm not saying everyone should fly off to a 3rd world country first thing tomorrow morning. But take responsibility for your own life and the everyday choices you make. There's more to life than finding a girlfriend. I surmise why people struggle is because they focus WAY TOO MUCH mental energy on this end, and that's not a formula for success. Sad thing is when you're in this position it's hard to break out of as well unless you're really willing to drop your ego at the door and exercise an open heart to real change.

Good luck to those of you who are trapped in negative thoughts, comparisons to others, over-obsessive focus on results (sometimes the process is much more important) and lack of action/willingness to alter your way of living.

June 25, 2012

But here's the thing about faith. I won't get into it too deeply but because of my faith in God and His calling on my life in THAT SEASON, I knew He would protect me in Kenya, because I was being called there.

Don't think I'm criticizing your faith...it sounds like you are a Christian and I have nothing against Christians. However, what you said there is extremely silly. How many Christian missionaries have died while doing "God's work" in third world countries in the last 100 years alone? The number is probably in the hundreds if not thousands. Some of them did not just die but were tortured and murdered in very unpleasant ways. I'm sure they all thought they had a personal relationship with Christ and that they would be protected.

June 25, 2012

Sure Meeks could have died. The point is that going to Kenya was HIS MISSION. It was something that he felt really strongly about doing. And the fact that he had a mission beyond his d!ck made him very attractive to Beth.

I salute you for doing that Meeks. I also salute you for coming on here doing all you can to be helping guys achieve their dating goals (Christian or not) without any preaching. For all the help and advice you gave, I think this was the very first thread you mentioned your faith. You didn't need to, you're a lot more patient that I am.

Very cool.

Edited June 25, 2012 by Imajerk17

June 25, 2012

I'd just say that pursuing your interests, being true to yourself and taking responsibility is it's own reward. It's really a pretty big reward when you think about it, and is very much worth doing.

Yes, I agree with you 100%. That it renders you a more worthy partner for another person, or as a family member or friend is just a side benefit.

June 25, 2012

Not trying to be a hater but you sound like a Validation seeking wh ore.

You could simply talk about your life story but you took the pictures of these memos, uploaded on photobucket and came here to show everyone.

Did you post that on your facebook too?

I had a girl wrote me a memo saying 'you changed me blah blah'

I just kept it to my heart and I don't even know where I put it.

let me tell you, you think everything is going great because you are having good relationship with her. I hope it last forever too

but do you think you will be the same happy person without her?

(I know 100% you won't. there is proof in your story)

June 25, 2012

I'd just say that pursuing your interests, being true to yourself and taking responsibility is it's own reward. It's really a pretty big reward when you think about it, and is very much worth doing.

and when you have a strong passion it gives you something to talk about or to be 'interesting'. It makes for easier small talk which is critical for breaking the ice and getting to know people.

June 25, 2012

The trip simply helped me to re-prioritize my energy and focus, shifting from immature to being steadier and more appreciatative of life's full offerings.

Africa has a way of giving you perspective. She changes you and stays with you.

June 25, 2012

I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that I've become

Hurry boy, she's waiting there for you

June 25, 2012

Don't think I'm criticizing your faith...it sounds like you are a Christian and I have nothing against Christians. However, what you said there is extremely silly. How many Christian missionaries have died while doing "God's work" in third world countries in the last 100 years alone? The number is probably in the hundreds if not thousands. Some of them did not just die but were tortured and murdered in very unpleasant ways. I'm sure they all thought they had a personal relationship with Christ and that they would be protected.

He believed, doesn't matter if it's a God, a cause or himself, he believed, and that's enough.

Not everyone asks "If I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?".

June 25, 2012

I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that I've become

Hurry boy, she's waiting there for you

Toto...

Not to depress you, but you have to be pretty old to remember that song.

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So, @ my girlfriend's urging, I'm going to post this to all the single guys out there

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