wayward89 Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Hello, My situation is probably going to get me laughed at by every guy on here, and in the world in general, but here it is anyway. I have been in love once before and it ended very badly. She broke my heart and I went into a shell for about 3 years now. Recently I joined a dating site and had astronomical match %s for this one girl who I contacted and, surprise surprise we really hit it off. We have been on about 5 dates in three weeks and I stayed at hers last night. No "poking" but everything else. Today I find out she is actually dating two other guys who are essentially fwbs who take her out and then they go to "2nd or 3rd base, never home run" (her words!) with! I think I have fallen for this girl and to find out she is like this has made me feel sick to my stomach. She wont stop seeing them yet and only says that she likes me "differently, better in some ways" (her words!) I dont think she was always this easy but more to do with breaking up with a fiance a few months ago. Obviously the first thing I am doing Monday morning is getting STD tests, but what I really want to know is do I stick it out as I am highly unlikely to get a girlfriend anytime soon (2 dates in three years, with 2 different women) and join an increasing list of meaningless fwbs when actually I want a serious relationship with her, or do I just say sorry but you are trash and I deserve better? (Which I know I will not get any time soon) I really want it to work with her as, like I said, I think I have fallen for her and we have so much in common it is scary. I really thought I had found a soul mate when it seems like I found a s***. I don't think I could ever kiss her again knowing where her lips have been and I don't think I can stand wondering if she is out with them doing "stuff" (her words!) Help!
Titanwolf Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Cliffs -She is using you/used you. -You are expendable. -Nothing makes you worth remaining monogamous for. -She can have her cake and eat it to. -She is giving you things, 2 other men have access to, when and if she feels like switching it up. -*sigh* Those are the facts. Consider your self-worth OP and if you still have doubts, nothing can really help you.
veggirl Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 What did you do when she told you that stuff? You should have clarified that for you sexual contact needs to be done in under exclusivity before engaging in it. I would ask her what she is looking for. Tell her you are not comfortable with seeing her if she is going to date / eff around with others, and see what she says. If you guys can't agree on that point then you need to walk away. It's been 5 dates, she is not your soul mate!! You barely know her! Please remember that! You're just caught up in the early exciting feelings, esp cause you've been single for so long. You'll be okay!
Vintage79 Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 I'm going to provide a slightly different perspective. While yes, she currently has FWBs - you've only known her for 3 weeks. I know that when I have dated people in the past - in particular women online - I would usually be dating multiple people in the beginning - up to a month or so (maybe 6 weeks). At some point, exclusivity sets in (and for some, that's at a couple weeks others a few months - I think it's more a function of age - the younger you are, the longer that period of non-exclusivity lasts, but obviously varies on an individual basis). While I think that Titanwolf's points are valid in some situations - I don't think you're being used (yet), you're expendable (definitely true now - you've only known her 3 weeks - she should be expendable as well), I completely disagree that nothing makes you worth remaining monogamous for (you simply haven't gotten to the monogamous phase yet), she's definitely having her cake (but so should you - that's half the fun when you're just getting to know people - i.e. 3 weeks), and yes, 2 other men have access to the goods, but it's not monogamous yet...things will calm down soon. If you are very uncomfortable with what she's doing - talk to her - she's probably willing to do so, and you alluded to as much already. When all's said and done - if she doesn't want it the same way that you do, you're simply incompatible - and you should leave now before you give yourself more heartbreak. As for 2 dates in 2 years - it looks like you've finally taken a good step forward to help rebuild your confidence and get a few more dates. Don't let this experience spoil it for you - in addition to her, reach out to a few more people and see what happens...it's exciting meeting new people, and just seeing what they're about and what makes them tick, even if you don't hit it off. Worst case scenario - you'll get more use to interacting with women in a dating context. Best of luck! 1
Joaquin Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 3 weeks....broken heart...... Crazy talk bro. You shouldn't be letting yourself go until you know someone a bit better. Your mistake. Not hers. We've all been there. Learn the lesson. As to her. I don't think she is in the relationship frame of mind. Her light isn't on. Right now she is a player. You want a relationship not a game. She is so not relationship material at the moment. Move on.
Author wayward89 Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 I realise that I sound naive but I am not. I have been in a 4 year relationship and I never felt this way about my ex and I was going to propose! Literally everything apart from this has been perfect so far, we have pretty much everything in common. Thank you all for your comments, the opinions have been very valuable. Its not so much the dating others but the fact that she is now sexually active with 3 guys at the same time (would only be 2 if I had known before last night). I don't think I can cope with the idea that we could be dating one day and then the very next she could be blowing another guy as if I'm meant to not care. Its essentially prostitution but paying in dates rather than cash! Plus, do I really want to keep seeing her if in a few weeks time she will just hurt me even more if she does go off with someone else? I know she says they are more "friends who do stuff" than anything else but how do I know she hasn't got me lined up as the same?? We had an argument/conversation about it earlier and this is all I found out and she has given me time to think which I took. So its up in the air until I make up my mind...
Leigh 87 Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Sometimes it takes more than 5 date to determine if your in love with a person, or if their worth hanging onto, and being monogomus with. It is normally less than 5 dates if your strongly attracted and crazy about a person - but not that many people end up with people they were necessarily crazy about frm the get go - from the moment they FIRST meet.. itnormally takes getting to know a person to be THAT infatuated BEYOND their looks... I do not always think it is a case of love at fist site, if at all! I think it isposible to meet the one for you, and not necessarily fall head over heas straight away; she likes you, but at this stage, not enough to be exclusive. Does this mean that, based on 5 dates, you either ARE or ARE NOT her soul mate? HELL NO. Look, it is true, that after 5 dates, most people probably have a good idea of wheather a person ish ighly worth it to them - to be monogomus for - BUT NOT ALL PEOPLE realize this after 5 dates! Honestly - it does not always mean they are not into you - some people simple takel onger to make a desision on people, and also, some peopple are also harder to get to know and like a lot. I personally cannot multi date, OP but I did not know I wanted to be in a long term relatinshionship with my bf until much much later down the track! All I know was that I could not mess around with different guys at the same time, because it is just not ME; where as it IS this girls style, so... All I am saying, is that some people may still become very much into you after 5 dates and beyond - and some people will already know by that time while others may NOT know..... MAybe telling her you deserve better is the right thing to do - yet, she may end upfalling for you too. You havejust fallen for her faster and it is not mutual. There IS a chance she will also return your feelings, but I have to say, infatuation is normally a two way thing! being this into a person normally occurs, for lasting relaitonships, at the same time..... There is a difference between the differeing time people take to fall for one another; but both people normally fall hard at the same time, they just may see other people at first, and then realize they are worth too much to each other and stop. For example, my bf and I were unsure of a future together, but we both figured our strong feelings out at the same time - one did not become strongly attached or into the other person, withut the other person shortly following suit, most likely it was even at the same time for us... It is normally a natural progression of feelings between two people, yet guess it is not unheard of or impossible for a person to be REALLY crazy about a girl, the girl not returning the sentiment at first, but then realizing she IS.
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