ViresSanctity Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 (edited) I've always thought that if I love someone, I'd never be disloyal to them. But I'm starting to find out things about myself that's starting to worry me. Every so often I'll like someone. If my pride or ego gets hurt by them, I become vengeful. Like the time one girl scheduled to drink with me at her place that night, but stopped short of answering her phone to mess with my mind. I lost all attraction for her after that night, and in an act of bad karma, she's been chasing me since I've ignored her. I hold her onto a string, enjoying the attention from her but never giving in. That maybe be understandable considering the girl. But then there's a nicer girl who doesn't deserve my wrath. I suspected a girl I liked from trade school to be in love with a guy-friend I know from there. A lot of guys like to brag and talk. I'm gullible enough to believe it when a guy friend from work tells me that the girl I like is chasing after him. I was blinded by my rage, and pain. I couldn't put two and two together how she could go for this guy considering her personality but I guess I've seen women like weirder things in my life so I believed it. In a fit of revenge and feelings of worthlessness, I've cracked the trust between the friendship I've had with that girl and myself. I've gone deliberately cold to her and flirt with other women. A different guy came out of me. I'm no longer that gentle and caring person to her and she feels it. It's wrong for her to feel this way since she did nothing wrong. Don't even mention the guy-friend. I found out he's been creeping her out and made up the entire story to cover himself up. He really screwed things up for me, but I have no one to blame but myself now. It's too late for me to gather any broken parts between me and the girl. I know this mode of thinking will keep me alone for a long time. I think It's started ever since I dropped out of college. Back then, my ex cheated on me with my friend on my living room couch; and a girl I dated slept with my worse enemy and pressured me into dropping a criminal case where he broke into my house and injured several people where I was witness. I can't find the balance between humility and egotistical thinking. How do I stop and get over myself? Edited June 22, 2012 by ViresSanctity
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 You don't sound narcissistic to me, you sound insecure. It seems like you got a lot of pent up anger and emotions that you've never let the steam out on, I think you've got to do a lot of self reflection because you're extreme behavior is fueled and exaggerated by how you feel internally and you're sensitive and gullible to little things setting you off. What you did was way over the top, you really overreacted and even though it might have been a little hit to the pride, you shouldn't feel the desire to snap like that...you kind of snap easily, lot of tension/stress in your mind it seems, on edge. Possible having anger issues, in general. You've got to face the past and the skeletons in your closet, talk to someone about it, put it on paper, these things are going to eat you up otherwise and dictate your love life...do you want to go around punishing other people for someone else did to you? You've got to start looking at people as individuals again, not be defense and not be so wounded easily, you gotta take everything in stride and balanced...but you've got to work on yourself to do that...or you'll just meet some nice girl you see that you can take advantage of and you'll abuse her when she doesn't even deserve it, she probably deserves the nicer guy in you but you treat her like your ex, the enemy. 2
Author ViresSanctity Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 (edited) Thank you, for not thinking I'm a narcissist. or you'll just meet some nice girl you see that you can take advantage of and you'll abuse her when she doesn't even deserve it, she probably deserves the nicer guy in you but you treat her like your ex, the enemy. I don't want to hurt anyone that'll actually end up being good to me one day. How fair is that? I thought I'm over my ex, but it never stops coming back. The betrayal of letting your friend sleep on your couch for almost a year in college - free rent, food and A/C. Them having drunk sex with your girlfriend on your couch at night. Was it planned? Did the two do it to humiliate me on purpose? The embarrassment of waking up to the middle of the night to several people laughing and taking pictures of the two drunkly passed out and posted on myspace that morning. The person taking and posting the pictures being me. Because of that, I got kicked out of my fraternity for being ungentlemanly like. People jokingly ask me "Where's your women?" after that. I can't keep an eye on the person I'm dating apparently since they can just cheat right in my living room. They'll be unsatisfied and go for my friends. Of course even if I think these friends are low lives after that, and who in their right mind would go for these guys, I think I must be even lower on the ladder than them now since I've lost to them. I'm extremely insecure with women. Over the years, I've learned to build a protective case - a confident look on the outside but fragile and sensitive on the inside. Edited June 22, 2012 by ViresSanctity
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