jackson5 Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I have just removed myself from a toxic relationship that I have been in for almost 3 years. I met this guy when I went to university and we instanty became close. We spent every second together and I fell really hard. He had feelings for me as well, but he had a girlfriend at the time. We continued a relationship that was always "just friends" but with so many feelings behind it. When we moved out of residence, we moved into a house together with my best friend and his best friend. It was probably the worst mistake I ever made. For the next two years, our relationship was rocky and unstable and very up and down. When he broke up with his girlfriend, i thought we would eventually be together. But we went through... he cares about me, he loves me, he wants to be with me... but he's just not ready. We were sleeping together and secretly continuing a relationship that was almost like we were a couple. I was always there for him, I took care of him. And it was killing me because all the while I was sitting around waiting for him to be ready to commit, and he knew I would always be there for him and he could come crawling back at any time. We went through periods of not talking to each other because of anger or simply him just pulling away from me. All the while, we were living in the same house. My best friend and I recently moved out into an apartment of our own. This guy was hurt by it, but was so passive aggressive about his emotions. Once we moved I told him I needed space and time away from him for a little while, that I didn't want to seee him or hear from him because I need to move on and get over him... that obviously he doesn't want what I want and I just can't sit around waiting for him anymore. I said I want to be friends in the future because I care about him, but right now I need some time. The worst part is that he was so blaise about it. He didn't even seem to care. I know he does, but that's what he's like... he'd never let me know. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. While a part of me knew I had to do it because our messed up relationship was making me sick, I really didn't want to. It's been almost a month, and I can't stop thinking about him. He's on my mind 24/7. Everything reminds me of him. I can't listen to certain songs or watch certain movies. Random little things make me want to text him, because that's how it always used to be. I've been tempted numerous times to contact him, and all i really want is for him to contact me and tell me he misses me.. I'm going out of my mind. I thought I wanted this, but I've never felt sadder. My friends tell me it will take time but right now it feels impossible. I cry every day and dream about him every night. I look at my phone every 5 minutes hoping there will be a text from him. My best friend who I live with, and who lived with us in the same house says that he never treated me right and that this time away from him will be good for me. But it's so hard. And what makes it worse is that she still talks to him/texts/goes to see him. She tells me I need to stay away from him, but then she goes and hangs out with him all the time, and I'm left at home going out of my mind with jealousy. I Know I can't ask her not to hang out with him because they are friends as well, but it just hurts a lot. How can I get over this jealousy and start being ok with her seeing him? She never rubs it in my face or talks about him, but because we live together, I always know when she's at his place. And it drives me crazy. I don't want this to get between our friendship, but I'm starting to feel resentment and it really upsets me. What should I do? And how can I stop going crazy thinking about this guy? I miss him so much, and after a month of no contact, it hasn't gotten better.
confusedheartlessbxt Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 My mom always told me it takes twice the time you are with someone to get over them. Keep yourself busy. No matter how much you think about him, don't talk about him and don't cry. Go ahead and cry and get over him not wanting to commit to someone as deserving as you. It should piss you off.. Gotta have the fxck him attitude to get over him.. Works for me. And that will help with you getting over your friend hanging with him all the time.. Go out. Meet new ppl and step your game up. Men want what they can't have.. If ever he is interested, he will contact you. But until then, don't over think it and don't let him take over your life without even being in it. Not fair to you. I'm pretty sure he feels great knowing you are home often crying over his azz. Your mutual friend probably keeps him with the 411. So be careful. Best of luck!!
AlexanderJames Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 I do not believe it takes twice as long to get over someone as the time you were together. Everyone copes differently. Read this if you're struggling, its helped a few people on here. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/331820-hope-hopeless-my-guide-moving As for the friend being at his house thats very difficult I feel for you. Have you tried bringing it up with her that you dont like it and that you are starting to resent her? Bottling it up is only going to end in you not considering her a friend anymore and having a falling out, which is more un needed stress given the current circumstances. Best of luck. NC is always rough, its like a pack a day smoker quitting cold turkey. You just have to remind yourself that youre doing it for you. It really is the most effective way of moving on, it just takes time and dedication. 2
Author jackson5 Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 Thanks for both of your posts! I am trying my absolute best to stay strong. I am surprised that I have been able to make it this long without having any slip-ups and contacting him. But it's still hard and I feel sad everyday. I feel helpless, as though I will never get over him and I'll never be able to stop thinking about him. I know that this is for the best and that I deserve better, but I feel as though I'm in a constant battle between my head and my heart. As for my friend, I realize that this is something I have to deal with myself. I can't ask her not to hang out with someone who is also her friend. She has been there for me through this all and understands that it's hard for me, so she doesn't discuss him with me or hang out with him when I have no plans and will be sitting at home by myself (we're roommates). But it's still difficult. I also have issues with my own self-esteem (which has gotten worse recently) and I have jealousy issues, so of course I would be jealous that she's spending time with him. I think the hardest part is not necessarily that she's with him.. but that I can't be with him, if that makes sense? I want to be the one spending time with him. And it drives me nuts that I can't be. I'm sure that will get easier with time as well, but right now it's tough. I wish there was some kind of timeline, that someone could tell me how long I'll be feeling this way. I though after a couple of weeks, I would feel better but it's been almost a whole month and I'm in the same spot.
ladyabstrused Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I wish there was some kind of timeline, that someone could tell me how long I'll be feeling this way. I though after a couple of weeks, I would feel better but it's been almost a whole month and I'm in the same spot. How I wish there was a timeline too. I always wondered how long it'll take me to be over my break up. It's been about a month now for me too and been keeping NC strictly for about 2 weeks or so. It gets better and easier, yeah. I feel like I'm discovering myself once again. But it's difficult too when you're just so disappointed with how things are. I'm sorry though that you're still in the same spot. What I did was I really kept myself busy the first few weeks of the break up. Like I went out more, I met up with more friends. It doesn't mean that I push my emotions aside, at night, when I'm alone, that's when I deal with it. So there is kind of a balance there. Perhaps you could try to shift your focus and keep your mind occupied with other things as well, not just him and your friend and him. If you haven't been doing this, maybe that's why you're still in the same spot. NC isn't just NC, it has to be accompanied with other things to do so that it helps you go through NC and make it more effective. You should read up the NC rules or guides by other posters here, they were really helpful for me. Hope they could be of help to you too.
Author jackson5 Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 It has been 6 weeks now. The first month was absolute hell but the past 2 weeks have been better. I'm laughing again, and enjoying spending time with my friends. I'm enjoying life again. I stopped crying myself to sleep. I still think about him all the time but I noticed that even though he's there in the back of my mind, I can still do other things and really enjoy myself. I guess I started to feel a balance. But the past couple of days I feel like I'm slipping back into it again. I'm sad and I miss him so much, and I'm so tempted to contact him. I just want to see him again this is the longest we've gone without speaking. And another part of it that bothers me as time goes on, is I wonder if this is even affecting him at all. I just miss him. Is this normal to kind of go one step back? I really thought I was starting to get somewhere, and that I would continue to feel good, but now I'm back at square one again.
CopingGal Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 My mom always told me it takes twice the time you are with someone to get over them. UGH!!! It's gonna take SIX years to get over my bastard boyfriend? Nah, I don't think so...at least I hope not. I heard of other time frames and I've said them on this site...but it is true that everyone is different and has their own time. 1
steelgator Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Once we moved I told him I needed space and time away from him for a little while, that I didn't want to seee him or hear from him because I need to move on and get over him... that obviously he doesn't want what I want and I just can't sit around waiting for him anymore. I said I want to be friends in the future because I care about him, but right now I need some time. . You kind of put yourself in a pickle here. You told him you didn't want to see or hear from him and you need time. He is respecting your wishes. But at the same time you only want to hear from him if he comes right out and says he wants a relationship. Take two more weeks and see if he texts. If not, hopefully you can feel better and be able to hang out as just friends but don't flirt. See if he opens up to you.
steveblack Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 It has been 6 weeks now. The first month was absolute hell but the past 2 weeks have been better. I'm laughing again, and enjoying spending time with my friends. I'm enjoying life again. I stopped crying myself to sleep. I still think about him all the time but I noticed that even though he's there in the back of my mind, I can still do other things and really enjoy myself. I guess I started to feel a balance. But the past couple of days I feel like I'm slipping back into it again. I'm sad and I miss him so much, and I'm so tempted to contact him. I just want to see him again this is the longest we've gone without speaking. And another part of it that bothers me as time goes on, is I wonder if this is even affecting him at all. I just miss him. Is this normal to kind of go one step back? I really thought I was starting to get somewhere, and that I would continue to feel good, but now I'm back at square one again. Know this, they are struggling. As much as that MATTERS NOTHING, they are. Dont contact him. Be confident and you got this. YOU GOT THIS! 1
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