AlexanderJames Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I cant get enough of this forum. Giving people advice and helping them when they're going through what I have is so rewarding. So heres some proof theres light at the end of the tunnel for you all no matter how hopeless you feel I've tried to make it short but I'm hopeless at that. I have more scenario specific tips and suggestions to making a solid, healthy recovery that I'm happy to share just ask Things I felt at the start: Alone, hopeless, sick, no appetite, guilt, remorse, no sleep, betrayed, angry, upset, like I would be alone forever and never find anyone again. (Everyone feels this! Dont fight it, accept it and remind yourself you are human, and this is how humans cope. You're definately not alone here, be strong for others so that they can themselves learn to be strong through you ) Then: Next came the "angry phase" I felt mad, hatred and resentment towards the person, take this out quickly, yell into a pillow or punch a punching bag, healthy explosive releases of the anger will make you feel better quickly. Go to the gym and lift weights or run, this is an amazing anti depressantm see for yourself! No one feels your anger but you, so why harbor it? Forgive the person, and forgive yourself. Even is they hurt you for personal gain or out of spite (My situation). The anger isnt worth holding on to, the best revenge is living a happy, successful life. The mistake: I kept contact with her, I felt she would want me back if we kept connection. I needed to hear from her for comfort, to feel I was wanted and missed. But I wasnt, she was nice to me (possibly to deal with her own guilt or ego problems who knows) but it was a mistake and I shouldn't have kept in touch. I even let her seduce me thinking it would increase chances of getting her back, but it didn't, she got what she wanted and was gone. This was an especially painful time for me, I had put my heart on the line the night this happened and it ended up leaving with her on the bottom of her shoe. Next came: This has been the most vital step in my recovery. I INITIATED NO CONTACT. Dont take this prospect lightly as it is a big decision that reuires dedication. But if you feel it is necessary, then it probably is. I accepted it was over, I convinced myself I had to move on, that there was light at the end of the tunnel. I wrote down all the things about the girl that I didnt like, bad habbits, physical features I did not find particularly attractive, times she hurt me. I read them whenever my mind started trying convince me that everything with her was perfect. Because it wasnt, and thats why we ended. I also reminded myself of how I felt during previous break ups. All the feelings where the same. I felt forever alone and hopeless, but I moved on to be happier, wiser and found a better love, although it was the wrong love for me, I can only wait for an even better opportunity to present itself. Coping with NC: No contact for me, which may be similar for everyone, presents itself in stages (as with every aspect of moving on). Firstly I felt amazing! The first period of time (was a few days for me but would certainly be different for others) was easy as. I knew what I wanted and felt strong and proud for making the decision. Next I started feeling sad and alone. Everyone would probably get this I imagine. I felt unwanted and unimportant. I often thought to myself "why hasnt she contacted me? She must not miss me, I must not be important". I felt I wanted to contact her, to satisfy the need to feel wanted. DO NOT DO THIS. It was a hard time for me but it only lasted a few days, again surround yourself with friends and do things you love. The feelings pass as you get your sights set back on whats important. And thats moving on. Shortly after I found strength again, I noticed positive changes in my attitude, work ethic, and something that's very important to me I found myself getting happier and happier with my physical appearance. Not just because I work out, but because I was content and happy with myself as a person. I've taught myself a few good lessons in my short time on this earth (Im only 21 ) and one of those is that breakup recovery happens in stages. every stage gets a little easier. But at the same time, every stage presents itself with its own challenges. Take the good with the bad, if you find yourself having a bit of trouble one day just remember that its normal and that you've already made so much progress, the worst is behind you. For all those struggling and finding it hard to cope with the loss of someone or struggling to maintain NC remember this. Time does heal all, as much as everyone hates to hear it. No one likes to wait. But you dont have to wait, you can take positive steps to speed things up, go out with friends, enjoy life, be selfish and live for you. This is the time in your life you need to depend on yourself the most, so allow yourself to be a little selfish. Take it from someone who has taught themself how to move on and has slowly but surely found hapiness again. Challenge yourself to get through this, show yourself and everyone around you how strong and courageous you are. Grow into a stronger, better you. And have the wisdom and experience yourself to help the ones you care about when they find themselves in over their head. Good luck to everyone out there that's going through hardship. I hope this helps you get on track and stay there Much love. 9
Notforever Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Very well written! For as many relationship articles that are out there they are definitely lacking how to get over break up manuals! I love hearing your personal story and triumphs, and the advice mixed in. Thanks for helping everyone else who is struggling:)
skyisfalling Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I LOVE IT! Thanks for writing such a great thread. A lot of us are struggling and we could all use some inspiration. You should be proud of yourself having overcome a major break up- it definitely is life shattering. It still hurts but I know i'll get through this.. one day at a time.
Author AlexanderJames Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 Very well written! For as many relationship articles that are out there they are definitely lacking how to get over break up manuals! I love hearing your personal story and triumphs, and the advice mixed in. Thanks for helping everyone else who is struggling:) Thanks for the comment I'm glad my advice is helping people! I found articles on the web were all very generic and not tendered to specific situations. I figure I've had it pretty rough, so why not keep track of how Im moving on so I can help others too I wrote a big thread on here called "The lesser of two evils" when I first joined up to vent everything. Its got pretty much all of what happened to me if you can be bothered reading I hope you're doing well.
Author AlexanderJames Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 I LOVE IT! Thanks for writing such a great thread. A lot of us are struggling and we could all use some inspiration. You should be proud of yourself having overcome a major break up- it definitely is life shattering. It still hurts but I know i'll get through this.. one day at a time. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment back You should be proud of yourself too! I found it very difficult to make myself want to move on. It was one thing to tell my friends Im letting go and Im moving on, but to actually commit to it is pretty daunting. You've shown immense strength and control in making such a comittment. And althought it hurts sometimes, everybody hurts, just remind yourself your well on your way to being back on top. Your an insipartion to many people on here that are finding it hard to move on. So be proud and stay strong
barriob Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Wow, this is so good. And what do you do wgen you find out your ex has a gf and you havent moved on? And after the breakup you kept hanging out with him because he made it seem like he cared but then he suddenly starts to ignore you like you dont exist?
Author AlexanderJames Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 Wow, this is so good. And what do you do wgen you find out your ex has a gf and you havent moved on? And after the breakup you kept hanging out with him because he made it seem like he cared but then he suddenly starts to ignore you like you dont exist? Ouch sorry to hear that must be hard. Sadly if your ex has started seeing someone else then he probably isn't interested in having a relationship with you. The exact same thing happened with me, making it look like you're going back an that they care but then they turn around and hurt you all over again. That was the big push I needed to move on. Set goals for yourself. Tell yourself you want to move on and that you need to. Spend a lot of time with people who make you feel good looking and important. If you want to move on you can and you will. The most effective but sadly one of the most difficult solutions is to initiate no contact. It's what I did when I found myself in your very situation. I blocked her on Facebook so I wouldn't have to see or hear anything about her. I deleted her number and all messages I had recieved from her. And I made sure she knew not to contact me. But whether you tell them that or not is up to you. Some find it easier to just quietly close the book and say nothing more. It takes dedication to maintain NC but if you want to move on and be happy I promise it's the best way to go
barese1 Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Thank you for this. I'm struggling with NC and have read so many posts saying why its best to stick at it but I really like what you wrote. It sounds like you kinda flew through the stages, I'm over 3 weeks NC and still feel helpless and just hope with time it will change. Thanks again, posts like yours give me hope
Author AlexanderJames Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 Thank you for this. I'm struggling with NC and have read so many posts saying why its best to stick at it but I really like what you wrote. It sounds like you kinda flew through the stages, I'm over 3 weeks NC and still feel helpless and just hope with time it will change. Thanks again, posts like yours give me hope Thanks and glad I can help. Everyone goes through things at different paces. But you will get there. My first big break up took much much longer to get to where I am now. It's all a learning experience. Stay strong and keep rewarding yourself for your little accomplishments. Be proud of yourself for having the strength to do what's best for you be patient with yourself too. Best of luck.
iambookworm Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Thank you for posting this. I am in day 1(or 2) of NC and finding it a bit hard. 1
daisy088 Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I love this!! I copy and pasted it into a sticky on my desktop. Im trying to force myself to do this stuff even when I feel like just wallowing in bed. Im young too (22) and you are certainly wise for your years! Inspiring and makes me have hope 1
Notforever Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Usually I look at all of this before I fall asleep (because I'm totally a pansy when it comes to sleeping alone) but I just saw your reply so I checked out that old thread you have! You seem like you have come so at since then and I am so happy for you:) Its also interesting to see what you went through because I feel like I can understand the posts you make now with better understanding (believe me they are great with or without understanding anyways!). I actually read the whole thing and am so sad for you, but also so happy to see your triumphs and know that better is ahead:) Have a good day(: 1
Author AlexanderJames Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 Notfalling - Sleeping alone can be hard, especially considering winter has set in here and its cold and rainy all the time. But it has its perks, you get to hog all the space in the bed and the blankets too . I am fortunate enough to have the worlds sookiest Staffy that huddles up next to me in bed every night. Thanks heaps for taking the time to read my essay, it was very long. And thanks so much for for the praise as well! Hearing others tell me I've come so far is a great confidence boost I'm still going strong despite what my ex did yesterday! A small speed bump on the road to success. I hope youre still going strong yourself -Iambookworm: Congratulations on taking the biggest step towards recovery. You should be proud of yoruself. Take it from me and others on here who are progressing through NC, we ALL found it hard, but it gets easier. -Daisy Thanks for reading and commenting Im flattered that you've popped it onto your desktop, it's great knowing I'm helping people get through times like these. You all have so much to look forward to so stick at it! The feelings that come with making progress are amoung the best you will ever feel. The ammount of pride and self worth you get just knowing you got hit, felt it hurt, and got back up is amazing. Soon enough you will find yourself feeling unstoppable!
BB7 Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Nice post, well written. I agree with the first few days of NC being a bit empowering, it's like you've made the decision for you and no one else so it actually feels like you are taking power away from your ex. I mean the first time I started it I only lasted 2 weeks and have been in contact ever since, which has been a bad move (nothing bad has happened because of it but I'm just not moving on and it's giving me false hope). You get stuck in thinking that they will want you back and it's only a matter of time but it just doesn't seem to happen. You begin to read into anything they say to you like them mentioning that they looked at a FB 'check in' to see where you are and silly little things like that which mean absolutely nothing but again give you false hope. 1
Author AlexanderJames Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 Nice post, well written. I agree with the first few days of NC being a bit empowering, it's like you've made the decision for you and no one else so it actually feels like you are taking power away from your ex. I mean the first time I started it I only lasted 2 weeks and have been in contact ever since, which has been a bad move (nothing bad has happened because of it but I'm just not moving on and it's giving me false hope). You get stuck in thinking that they will want you back and it's only a matter of time but it just doesn't seem to happen. You begin to read into anything they say to you like them mentioning that they looked at a FB 'check in' to see where you are and silly little things like that which mean absolutely nothing but again give you false hope. I know exactly how you feel! I was there only 5 weeks ago. If i knew then what I know now I definately wouldnt have wasted my time waiting and hoping. I hope you figure out whats best for you soon. Whether you decide it's not worth the stress or you decide to give it another shot remember that theres a whole lot of friendly people here looking out for you on LoveShack Make sure to keep us posted with what you do and how you're feeling. Best of luck.
RogerWallace111 Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Good stuff man. I particularly relate to the coping w/ nc section... It feels liberating as hell at first hehe. Like you're back in control of your fate/situation. And even if it stops feeling that way for spells (which it's bound to), you really are. You've been NC five weeks ? I'm just about to three, and though there are days (like today) where i think about her a lot and feel very sad/wistful about that ****, I've had multiple 3-4 day periods where i feel great/content, and the bad days are fewer and further between. That's definitely something. You're bound to have moments/days that feel like setbacks, but at the rate it lessens, you start to feel reassured. I never lost much confidence in my physical appearance, what I'm trying to build back up & rediscover is my ability to make girls smile & laugh with ease... Which takes feeling happy ! And I do most of the time. Do whatever it is you excel at and makes you feel confident and it'll help confirm your self-worth and make you feel like a badass.
Author AlexanderJames Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 Good stuff man. I particularly relate to the coping w/ nc section... It feels liberating as hell at first hehe. Like you're back in control of your fate/situation. And even if it stops feeling that way for spells (which it's bound to), you really are. You've been NC five weeks ? I'm just about to three, and though there are days (like today) where i think about her a lot and feel very sad/wistful about that ****, I've had multiple 3-4 day periods where i feel great/content, and the bad days are fewer and further between. That's definitely something. You're bound to have moments/days that feel like setbacks, but at the rate it lessens, you start to feel reassured. I never lost much confidence in my physical appearance, what I'm trying to build back up & rediscover is my ability to make girls smile & laugh with ease... Which takes feeling happy ! And I do most of the time. Do whatever it is you excel at and makes you feel confident and it'll help confirm your self-worth and make you feel like a badass. Great stuff mate sounds like your on top of things. Your completely right about taking the good with the bad. The bad days start to get further and further apart the more you grow to be happy with yourself again. Yeah I stopped working out during the relationship, I felt I had no need to impress any girls and she liked me for me. But I lost a lot of weight and size during and after the split which I've been working on getting back. I wasnt so much unhappy with how I looked, but that I'd worked so hard and lost it all over someone not even worth the stress. You attracted your ex by being yourself. If you want to attract others, you need to get back to being who you are Which will come in time. Hapiness is contageous, people who see that you are happy will feed off of your hapiness I always say if you love yourself, others will love you for it.
RogerWallace111 Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Ah yeah that makes sense as far as the weight loss... It's true the appetite, etc can really suffer after, too. And the being yourself advice is GOLDEN. One of those things I know, and think from time to time, but to have someone else put it into words is truly invaluable. Thanks ! 1
iambookworm Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 I never lost much confidence in my physical appearance, what I'm trying to build back up & rediscover is my ability to make girls smile & laugh with ease... Which takes feeling happy ! And I do most of the time. Do whatever it is you excel at and makes you feel confident and it'll help confirm your self-worth and make you feel like a badass. One good thing that came from my relationship, was he boosted my self-confidence. And now, I still feel the same, the only thing I hate is feeling that I made a mistake in judgement and that is where I am doubting myself now.
Author AlexanderJames Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 Dont doubt yourself. Learn from what happened so you can stop it from happening again The future is what counts! You cant discover the next chapter in a book if you keep going back and re reading the last 2
jackson5 Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 This post is really well written. I am in week 4 of no contact, and to be honest I'm still in the sad stage. I never really experienced feeling empowered. I knew I had to do it, but it was difficult from the very beginning. This helps to see that I'm not the only one going through it though. You are lucky that the sadness only lasted a few days for you! Because 4 weeks of it is almost unbearable. I guess it's different for everyone though. People keep telling me it will get easier with time. I hold onto that hope that I will feel better soon. I think the problem with a lot of people, myself included, is that even with no contact, there is still a little bit of that hope we hold onto that the person will see the light and beg us to come back. I think it's harder to get through no contact when you are holding onto that hope. But how do you let go of it? It's definitely a struggle.
BB7 Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 This post is really well written. I am in week 4 of no contact, and to be honest I'm still in the sad stage. I never really experienced feeling empowered. I knew I had to do it, but it was difficult from the very beginning. This helps to see that I'm not the only one going through it though. You are lucky that the sadness only lasted a few days for you! Because 4 weeks of it is almost unbearable. I guess it's different for everyone though. People keep telling me it will get easier with time. I hold onto that hope that I will feel better soon. I think the problem with a lot of people, myself included, is that even with no contact, there is still a little bit of that hope we hold onto that the person will see the light and beg us to come back. I think it's harder to get through no contact when you are holding onto that hope. But how do you let go of it? It's definitely a struggle. I'm in the same boat, I still have hope even though I know I shouldn't. It's hard to let that go but I guess that it's just a time thing.
Hoosier Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Lowest of lows when that person comes across my mind with someone else. Or constantly wondering what she's doing, and if she is hooking up with another person. Any advice for coping with these nightmares?
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