clerksrespla Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 (edited) My GF lives 45 minutes away from where I live and where she works. Because it is practical, I've been letting her stay with me each night before she works so she can avoid having to take the longer drive. This is already an arrangement where I've tried to let her know that it doesn't mean it's "quality time" for us on these nights. Sometimes I am working late on these days or have other commitments, etc. but it makes sense for her to sleep here on those days to be closer to work, so I am fine with it. In addition, to save herself the trouble of having to find parking, she has asked me to drive her to work in the morning and pick her up afterward too. I've told her I really don't want to, but I might on occasion. She's asked me why I don't want to, and I have said that it's because I work starting about 2 hours later than she does. She responds that "You can go back to bed when you get home." But I cannot. I am just unable to do this once I'm awake. I also have said, "I just don't want to." I feel like this should be enough. She was taking care of herself before I arrived, is my thinking. She has also began working even an hour earlier than she had been, so it's a significant inconvenience to me, not to mention a significant change in the terms that were discussed when I made my previous statement to her that I might occasionally chauffer her to work and back. Today, I felt especially tired and I really didn't want to do it. She literally turned on all the lights and started kissing and kind of tickling me to wake me up. She actually began to put my clothes on me while I was trying to sleep. She placed a photograph of us together on my pillow in front of my face and said "Remember when you loved me and you would do things for me?" She said, "I made you food this week. I bought you a shirt. I had sex with you. This is what boyfriends are supposed to do for girlfriends." I hate these cliches, the guilt-tripping, and so I got frustrated and just got up and drove her to work today. But now I feel sheepish and manipulated. Similar things have happened before, for instance there have been times when she has wanted me do whatever it was she wanted that I felt personally uncomfortable and corny doing (like entering a photobooth or riding a paddleboat) but I gave in. Not to mention, before she started staying with me, she used to pout periodically if I would not drive the 45 minutes one-way to see her at her place before we both had to drive back away again the next morning. I stopped doing it after a while because the impracticality of the situation was driving me bonkers. I felt like a fool. Maybe at one time I was an infatuated fool, but now I want to find a calm and practical stability to how we operate and make time for each other. She has signed a lease on a place in the town I live in and she works in that begins in a couple months, and she uses this as leverage too. She says, "I'm moving to be closer to you, why can't you do (____) for me?" But I have tried to tell her that in life, you make decisions for yourself because they make sense for you, not just for other people like it's a system of weights and measures. I understand that relationships are compromise and I don't have a problem with it in many instances, but I'm starting to feel like she is trying to fit me into a definition she has of what a boyfriend is supposed to be, rather than respecting me as an individual, however unusual or idiosyncratic I may perhaps be. I never tell her "you should make me food, buy me a shirt, have sex with me, because this is what girlfriends do." My thinking is that people do things of their own volition, not out of obligation or societal norms. Quite frankly, I am disturbed and offended in thinking that she perhaps is acting out of a sense of obligation when doing nice things for me. I've never put her on the spot or demanded anything. I might be stubborn, especially this morning, but I feel like she is using the reasoning/bargaining that a child would. I am not her mom or dad, and I do not want to be. I want her to be independent and self-sufficient, and the time we have to be an elective activity. Am I way off base here? The good times are good, but I genuinely fear she will grow to resent me because she clearly wants someone who views relationships in a different light than I do. I want her to be happy, but I also don't want to feel like a pushover when I have my reasons for not wanting to do certain things. If I am not doing what she needs, it's certainly valid for her to be unhappy, and that it is not a good sign. I'm aware of this. Are we just incompatible? Any help or experiences are much appreciated. Thank you! Edited June 20, 2012 by clerksrespla grammar
MooBear Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Not wrong at all. What she is doing isn't fair. She is expecting you to go out of your way for her constantly, just because she does a few things for you at home. Not fair. I acted like that when I first started with my partner and he very quickly put me in my place. Would do things for me if I needed them, but if I expected it or demanded it, it was a solid no. He always said to me that he was happy to do anything for me, as long as I didn't expect it from him. It's almost princess-like behaviour. And the old "well I do this and this for you" - just say "And I really appreciate you doing it, but I have never asked you to and if you weren't here, I would easily do it myself". It sounds like you need to remind her that you're her partner, her equal, and also that you can look after yourself so she needs to stop using the things she CHOOSES to do as a bargaining chip. And maybe tell her how attractive it is when she is independent and not demanding certain behaviours from you
veggirl Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 How long have you been together? Oh yeah asking you to drive her (just so she doesn't have to park? WTF?) when you don't need to be anywhere for 2 hours is ridiculous. Have you had a serious sit-down convo about this? If not, do it. Tell her you just aren't going to do it, and that a tit-for-tat R is never going to work so she needs to quit "keeping score". Ugh the waking you up and putting your clothes on you...this is what BFs do...NO. That is so ridiculous. Resentment is a relationship killer, you need to sort this out asap or get ready for the fall out.
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