Does the Cheater ever "un"demonize... do they ever realize that they rewrote history?

[GLDheart]

They re-write history as their way of projecting their own issues on the betrayed spouse.

 

Speaking of projecting, about three weeks before I discovered the lies that were the tip of the iceburg, My EX said a very strange thing to me.

 

It was strange because we had been drinking quite a bit and were in the act of making love. Out of the blue she looks me straight in the eye and says: "Who is it that you work with that you have a thing for?" I was so shocked I couldn't answer. As a guy, you know in the middle of what I was doing, I had only one thing on my mind. But, should I get up and go sit down elsewhere? Are we suddenly taking a time-out for a talk? I mean seriously WTF? Needless to say the booze didn't help me much in this situation. I simply dismissed her question told her I loved only her and uhm.... continued.

 

Well, looking back at what she was up to, it would explain things if she "imagined" I was cheating. It would mean her own affair would be justified... righteous even.

Edited June 26, 2012 by GLDheart

[Spark1111]

and in terms of starting a thread. I might do that just as an fyi from a different perspective from the victimhood mentality that seems pretty pervasive.

 

 

If you are looking for cheerleaders, you may do well to post in the OW/OM forum.

 

If you want an honest appraisal of how it feels to be betrayed by a WS, I think you are getting a pretty good idea of it here.

[turnera]

i have just been upfront about the position I am in.

Are you upfront with the spouse of the person you're banging? How does he/she feel about it?

[2sure]

My serial cheating XH upon DDays (yes, stupid me) did in a round about away always lead discussions in MC to something that I did. It would always turn out to be a perceived slight or just bs. And to the end for the most part, he was defensive. Just before I filed for Divorce he seemed to actually come to some of his senses. He became depressed and disgusted with himself in a way I had never seen.

 

Didnt stop me from Divorcing him. It was way too late. He reverted back to underhanded tactics, but still seemed remorseful.

 

All that blaming me was crazy making. To this day, I am still trying to get past the Mind F***ery.

[FelicityShot]

I follow your general Ying/Yang sentiment and agree. You take the good with the bad. It is what it is and you take it or leave it.

 

But speaking about general philosophy only goes so far. I was (in the context of this thread) asking about a VERY SPECIFIC defensive mechanism enacted to protect the selfish ego of a wayward spouse.

 

This seems to be a DISTORTION of reality not an acceptance of the true reality and balance of good and evil that you speak of.

 

I find this an interesting area for thought. I tend to think the general philosophy here may have a firm application in specific Rs.

 

Demonizing is always a distortion - it means more focus is placed on the shadow. But without the admissions it brings forth there can be no rehabilitation.

 

I was reading recently about how healthy teasing is - where we learn to laugh at ourselves and others for vulnerabilities and ego concerns. It seems so easy and natural in a good R.

 

And then things can go sour. We forget when we gripe to make light and accept. I think a good antidote to demonizng/being demonized would be healthy teasing. Remembering what that's like in the R.

 

But denying the darker thoughts and feelings won't get us anywhere - slowly or fast, one way or another.

Edited June 26, 2012 by FelicityShot

[Ducky23]

I can't speak for all, but I can speak for me. I was the "WS", and the OW. I took my partner as my companion (I abhor the term 'relationship' for multiple reasons), and even knowing that it meant we weren't in an official relationship, my partner gave me all that is expected typically, faithfulness, trust, honesty, he laid his heart in my hands, trusted me to treat it with care, and I destroyed it. I say that lightly. I won't go into all of the details, but I spent the full year and a half lying to him. Out with other men, I had a more than year-long A under his nose with a MM whom he came to actually like. I completely refused to commit to my partner, and he stood by me no matter the Hell I put him through. And I always justified it by making him the 'bad' guy. He was too clingy, too angry, too lazy, too overbearing, blah blah blah.. And I was so extremely overwhelmed by everything negative about our life together that I honestly started to BELIEVE that he was all of those bad things, and that I was justified in the decisions I was making. I have a history of self-sabotage and I should have seen it for what it was. But I was selfishly destroying the one man who had given up his whole entire world to be with me. Without a second thought for it. I, very recently, came to the conclusion that I was making some HORRIFIC choices in my life and that I needed to change things. I told my partner that I needed to go back into therapy and that I believe I'm still 'sick', that I didn't work hard enough last time to fix all that was wrong with me. I, very recently, ended my affair and told my MM that we needed to break contact, that I was through. And only AFTER I had taken these steps to regain what I had lost (the partner I all but walked out on), my partner snooped and found out about the affair, and some other stuff. I almost lost him completely this time and holy crap I'm glad he loves me! I have realized that I 'demonized' him and that he didn't deserve ANY of it. We have talked a lot these last few days and have decided we both need individual counseling as well as couples therapy. We have a 3-year-old son (not biologically his, working out adoption), and we have, for all intents and purposes, built a life together. That life has been based off one lie after another, and I'm realistic enough to know that even with therapy we may not be able to make a true relationship out of the ashes that I've created in our lives. But I have finally become honest enough with myself that I know I'm the one to blame for my actions, not him. And even if, in the end, we go our separate ways, I'm ready and willing to give him 110% effort trying to fix everything I've broken. I owe him at least that.

[turnera]

I'm glad to see you've learned a great lesson. I hope you can carry that on to your kids, too.

[GLDheart]

...my partner gave me all that is expected typically, faithfulness, trust, honesty, he laid his heart in my hands,...

 

...the Hell I put him through. And I always justified it by making him the 'bad' guy... ...I honestly started to BELIEVE that he was all of those bad things, and that I was justified in the decisions I was making....

 

...But I have finally become honest enough with myself that I know I'm the one to blame for my actions, not him...

 

 

Thank you so much for your post. It is exactly what this thread was intended to discuss. I appreciate your acceptance of your faults and your honesty. Most of all, I appreciate you sharing your story.

 

I took the liberty of quoting the parts of your post that really stand out to me. I truly hope my EX someday gets to this point in her maturity that you have reached. Sometimes a few hard lessons are what it takes to make us all grow up in life.

 

If you don't mind sharing, what was it that "made you see truth"? Was it the loss of this good man that made it click? Was it some trauma of the Affair Partner being disrespectful to you? I am curious what led to your positive changes.

[Ducky23]

Thank you so much for your post. It is exactly what this thread was intended to discuss. I appreciate your acceptance of your faults and your honesty. Most of all, I appreciate you sharing your story.

 

I took the liberty of quoting the parts of your post that really stand out to me. I truly hope my EX someday gets to this point in her maturity that you have reached. Sometimes a few hard lessons are what it takes to make us all grow up in life.

 

If you don't mind sharing, what was it that "made you see truth"? Was it the loss of this good man that made it click? Was it some trauma of the Affair Partner being disrespectful to you? I am curious what led to your positive changes.

 

Honestly it was a little bit of everything all wrapped into one. I was becoming tired of the affair, my AP and I had become extremely evil people. He would look at me sometimes and say "you're so evil! I love it.", and at first that was part of the affair that drew me in. We would TRY to think if the WORST things possible to do, always to his W, (we've had sex with her sleeping in bed with us), not my partner because I did still care about him and my AP liked him. But that's not who I am. I never was before. I've made mistakes in my past, I haven't had an easy life, and I've always struggled to come out ahead. After a 4-day visit with AP where I actually lost my temper with him, I realized I didn't need to be there anymore. That I was becoming all of the women I had always despised, and I HATED myself for it. My partner was always waiting for me at home, no matter how long I was gone, where I was, who I was with.. He didn't falter. He told me every day that he loved me. He treated me like a queen. I never saw it before because I was so wrapped up in the affair and the larger-than-life love that my AP offered me. Somewhere down the line I got lost. After my youngest son was born October 2010, I struggled with PPD and it caused me to become agoraphobic and I started drinking to self-medicate, to kill the fear. I've been sober for a year, and I went through therapy for 4 months last summer to help me get better. I was also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I thought I was better but I'm not. I had to hide my affair from my family, the people I love most, and to me that was HUGE. I wanted to share my life with that man and I couldn't. And it was his fault. He wouldn't leave his W yet. He wasn't ready. And I was out of patience. So I ended it and started analyzing the partner I had at home. And I realized that while AP seemed to do MORE of the things I wanted than my partner did, he still had to take care of W as well. I didn't really talk to my AP about a lot of things, he told me one time when I complained that he never asked how my day was "You have a don't ask don't tell policy. I figure if you wanted me to know you would tell me, and you do.", and that blew my mind! I felt as a burden to him if I talked about relationship stuff, or if I was having a bad day and needed to vent. So I would tell my AP some of it and the rest would be laid on my partner. All of that seemed WRONG. In my alcohol-induced wonderland is where I met my AP, he doesn't drink much and he helped me find fun things to do without bars and alcohol. My partner likes to go to bars, not to drink usually, just to hang out. But I don't. I saw my AP as my hero. But at the end of the day, he wasn't the one sitting at home and waiting for me. That was the biggest realization to me. No matter how frustrated or upset I became with my partner because he trashed the house, left it for me to clean up, didn't take the trash, left food out, dirty dishes everywhere.. Those were REALLY my biggest issues! He is a grown man and cannot run a household. But regardless of all of that, he spoils me rotten. He makes me coffee every morning, he has made me breakfast in bed, he used to buy me roses, he bought me jewelry, he gave me money if I got in a tight spot (read:almost every week), and I basically treated him like a slave. I had to SEE all of that for myself and realize that my priorities at some point shifted to make me this selfish evil being before I finally realized that I wasn't who I wanted to be. And in that, I realized that I owed it to my partner to be someone he deserved to be with. Someone he already thought I was!

[Spark1111]

My H today has great shame and remorse for his demonizing of me.

 

While he claims he never said a bad word about me (doubtful) he never discouraged her from ASSUMING the worst traits about me a woman could have.

 

She then fed INTO those assumptions and he let her. Whatever it took to keep those feel good feelings acoming.

 

As time went on, she alternated flattery with how much better a steward she would be of him that I was.

 

She even convinced him I must have a boyfriend!

 

Look, I still have the same amount of people in my life who loved and admired me as pre, during, and post affair. Today, maybe even more because of how I handled myself with dignity throughout this whole ordeal.

 

had we divorced, I would have lost most members of his family because that is what families do --side with their loved one because LOVE is supposed to be blind.

 

No great loss, IMHO.

[beenburned]

Spark,

 

Since all of my H's OW were young and single, I don't think I was even a topic of discussion between them.

 

However, I do believe in his head, he was constantly comparing things between me and them. And he must have felt, at that time, that I fell short somehow. Therefore, during his cheating, he displayed lots of anger and resentments toward me.(he was completely different before cheating)

 

I was a busy new mother with 2 young kids that had no help from H at all.(my family lived 300 miles away) Both of my kids weighted 9 1/2 lbs. each and I had to have 2 c-sections to deliver them. My great body was replaced with multiple stretch marks and loose skin.(even though I weighed the same as before I got pg)

 

All comparisons during affairs are never fair because they are biased because of the cheaters intentions behind them.

[worldgonewrong]

They re-write history as their way of projecting their own issues on the betrayed spouse.

 

BINGO!!!

This x 1000.