Does the Cheater ever "un"demonize... do they ever realize that they rewrote history?

[Spark1111]

I'm referring to the cheating spouse as the one that can't understand. In your case that would be Mr. Messy, not the OW. Unless Mr. Messy was cheated on in the past, he wouldn't be able to understand your pain.

 

As for his OW, since she was cheated on in the past, how much less does that say about her if she had no problem being the OW in an affair that will hurt you. Knowing the pain as I now do, I don't think I could ever get involved with a married woman.

 

It says she had issues she never dealt with. It says having an affair of her own actually on some subconcious level, empowered her. Instead of being the victim of infidelity, she now gets to do the victimizing whether she ever admits that to herself or not.

 

It is really, really sad and we see it here all the time. It pits man against man and woman against woman, all espousing how it is not their fault and the BS is not really discussed nor important.

 

But they are wrong. The BS is very important in the triangle, as the bad guy/girl both can rebel against.

 

There HAS to be a rescuer and a victim in a romantic affair and the roles flip-flop amonst the affair partners.

 

If the BS isn't the brute, how can the AP be rescued? How can either be empowered by being the Knight In Shining Armor, or there ONE TRUE LOVE?

 

They can't....so be as nice and as kind as you can possible fake. Wish them well and move on. It takes the wind right out of the dynamic of victim and rescuer and that is all the fun, Trust me.

[Spark1111]

She painted ATROCIOUS images of both of her two other long term BF's. I never gave it a second thought before except "wow what dirt bags" and "this poor girl".

 

Her allegations included cheating and various forms of other "abuse" at thier hands.

 

So, now that I have become #3 long term ex and to answer your question: YES. I'd put money on the fact that they aren't as bad (at the very least) as she made them out to be.

 

My H's fOW painted her XH as the spouse from hell. You guessed it, she was the victim and he was her rescuer.

 

As the affair progressed, I became the spouse from hell too according to him, and then she sooooo wanted to rescue him!

 

Over time, I learned that her H has happily remarried a really attractive and accomplished woman; they have a home and young son together they both adore and support. My all outside appearances, he' s happy and all the lies she told about him, untrue.

 

I confronted her when she broke NC to fish if my H was interested in initiating the affair again, and she went off on my spouse!

 

See a pattern here? You don't have to be Freud to see daddy issues (yes, he abandoned them young and was a real piece of work) and she is replaying it over and over in every adult relationship---Save me, save me, save me, but leave me or reject me, and I hate you.

[Spark1111]

I am stunned by the way my Ex has demonized me. I feel like I've been betrayed so deeply... and to have my history re-written and tainted on top of it all... it's just so tragic.

 

Is there ever a time when the Waywards see the insanity of justifying things and blaming the Betrayed for the affair? Does reality ever set back in?

 

There is no justification or defense. It IS them, not you.

 

Continue taking the high road, even more so when maligned, and let the chips fall where they may.

 

Those who know and love you will pity her. They won't believe it in a million years. As they should.

 

I know it hurts.

 

Sometimes they do see how wrong they were. Sometimes, not. It's a lose-lose for you. Your only defense is to be even kinder, more patient, more loving to those who love you.

 

People are smarter than you think. They will sniff out the truth, eventually.

[GLDheart]

Thanks Spark. I agree with you totally. There is also my 3 1/2 year old daughter stuck in the middle of this mess.

 

I have had plenty of anger over the selfishness, unfairness, and cruelty. It would be so much easier to condemn her, expose all of her infidelity (I have plenty of evidence), and then walk away coldly.

 

HOWEVER, I am choosing not to see her as my ex, a woman that seriously wronged (and is continuing to wrong) me, and an enemy. I am looking at her now as nothing more than my daughters mother. In that way I hope she someday grows up and becomes a healthier human being.

 

I wish no harm on my daughters mother because it would spill over onto my baby. The high road is the only choice.

[Spark1111]

Thanks Spark. I agree with you totally. There is also my 3 1/2 year old daughter stuck in the middle of this mess.

 

I have had plenty of anger over the selfishness, unfairness, and cruelty. It would be so much easier to condemn her, expose all of her infidelity (I have plenty of evidence), and then walk away coldly.

 

HOWEVER, I am choosing not to see her as my ex, a woman that seriously wronged (and is continuing to wrong) me, and an enemy. I am looking at her now as nothing more than my daughters mother. In that way I hope she someday grows up and becomes a healthier human being.

 

I wish no harm on my daughters mother because it would spill over onto my baby. The high road is the only choice.

 

Absolutely the best choice!

 

If you need to vent, get to a counselor!

 

Your daughter LOVES her mother and you, no MATTER what. She, like all children, could give a whit regarding your romantic happiness.

 

I promise you, if you always take the high road, even showing your daughter's mother kindness and respect in front of your daughter, that will be the best parenting gift you could give her.

 

Someday, trust me again, she will figure it all out for herself and admire MOST the parent who NEVER denigrated her other parent.

 

It's hard to be perfect and keep a lid on such volatile emotions, but if you can keep the lid on in front of your daughter, that act will go further than anything else you do to keep the transition stable for your child.

[FelicityShot]

I am stunned by the way my Ex has demonized me. I feel like I've been betrayed so deeply... and to have my history re-written and tainted on top of it all... it's just so tragic.

 

Is there ever a time when the Waywards see the insanity of justifying things and blaming the Betrayed for the affair? Does reality ever set back in?

 

Have you ever demonized yourself? Understood that you have a shadow side too?

[FelicityShot]

Could you clarify this? I am not sure what you mean by demonizing oneself in the context of this thread.

 

I said it in the context of this thread as a way of widening the perspective.

 

In seeing that we all have a dark side, and Rs too have darkness, we stand more chance of becoming whole rather than supressing things which will only surface unexpectedly.

 

So instead of despairing about being demonized, maybe it could be healthy to look at that demon. And to also see that there is a light side which balances it out, and has a lot of beauty or worth.

 

I said it because I think the demonizing may have a normal psychological angle.

[Realist3]

Every relationship is a two way street. And obviously the cheating spouse had their reasons for doing so. And so it stands to reason that their understanding of what led them to cheat were reasons you might not have recognized, but that is how they felt.

[GLDheart]

Every relationship is a two way street. And obviously the cheating spouse had their reasons for doing so. And so it stands to reason that their understanding of what led them to cheat were reasons you might not have recognized, but that is how they felt.

 

Realist3, I have been watching your posts for the last few days and get a VERY strong impression that you are the wayward spouse in your situation. If my hunch is right, it would also seem that you are trying to mitigate or explain away the responsibility of the choice to BETRAY your spouse, place them in harms way (STD's), and live a life of lies.

 

Feel free to start your own thread and elaborate.

[Realist3]

Realist3, I have been watching your posts for the last few days and get a VERY strong impression that you are the wayward spouse in your situation. If my hunch is right, it would also seem that you are trying to mitigate or explain away the responsibility of the choice to BETRAY your spouse, place them in harms way (STD's), and live a life of lies.

 

Feel free to start your own thread and elaborate.

 

 

You would be correct that I am a WS.

 

I'm not trying to mitigate or explain away anything. I have no worries about STD's.

 

In another thread I have already stated that i am hinging on what is about to be a three year affair. No regrets.

[GLDheart]

I said it in the context of this thread as a way of widening the perspective.

 

In seeing that we all have a dark side, and Rs too have darkness, we stand more chance of becoming whole rather than supressing things which will only surface unexpectedly.

 

So instead of despairing about being demonized, maybe it could be healthy to look at that demon. And to also see that there is a light side which balances it out, and has a lot of beauty or worth.

 

I said it because I think the demonizing may have a normal psychological angle.

 

I follow your general Ying/Yang sentiment and agree. You take the good with the bad. It is what it is and you take it or leave it.

 

But speaking about general philosophy only goes so far. I was (in the context of this thread) asking about a VERY SPECIFIC defensive mechanism enacted to protect the selfish ego of a wayward spouse.

 

This seems to be a DISTORTION of reality not an acceptance of the true reality and balance of good and evil that you speak of.

[GLDheart]

No regrets.

 

Can sometimes border on narcissistic behavior.

 

If you want to bang other people LEAVE the relationship or find one that is "open". Or at the very least, tell your spouse what is up and let them have a say in the REAL story.

[Realist3]

Can sometimes border on narcissistic behavior.

 

If you want to bang other people LEAVE the relationship or find one that is "open". Or at the very least, tell your spouse what is up and let them have a say in the REAL story.

 

Look, I appreciate your concern, I really do; but I am not looking for advice from someone who has absolutely no clue about my situation.

 

I'm not looking for acceptance or anything else. I am in a situation that works for me. i have just been upfront about the position I am in.

[Realist3]

and in terms of starting a thread. I might do that just as an fyi from a different perspective from the victimhood mentality that seems pretty pervasive.

[GLDheart]

Look, I appreciate your concern, I really do; but I am not looking for advice from someone who has absolutely no clue about my situation.

 

I'm not looking for acceptance or anything else. I am in a situation that works for me. i have just been upfront about the position I am in.

 

And, as we derail this thread further off topic, I still wonder what it is then that brings you here to the infidelity forum. You seem to need no answers....

 

Are you perhaps checking to see if your BETRAYED spouse is in here looking for advice on how to bust you?

 

Again, I would love to have you start a thread so that I can gain insight into your perspective.

 

 

 

EDIT:

 

You ninja posted this in on me:

and in terms of starting a thread. I might do that just as an fyi from a different perspective from the victimhood mentality that seems pretty pervasive.

 

 

You see we understand each other well.

 

Edited June 26, 2012 by GLDheart

[Realist3]

And, as we derail this thread further off topic, I still wonder what it is then that brings you here to the infidelity forum. You seem to need no answers....

 

Are you perhaps checking to see if your BETRAYED spouse is in here looking for advice on how to bust you?

 

Again, I would love to have you start a thread so that I can gain insight into your perspective.

 

 

 

EDIT:

 

You ninja posted this in on me:

 

 

 

You see we understand each other well.

 

 

I'm here to look at and gain different perspectives. It is an interesting topic. I sympathize with many of the people posting here as they have been devastated by the actions of the significant other. But I do find many of them to be quite young and immature. I have been married for 18 years and before that 8 years of dating.

 

I'm not looking for advice or anything of the sort. I'm completely happy and content with the choices I have made in terms of my affair.

 

And no, I'm not looking to see if my spouse is posting here, it is not her style.

Edited June 26, 2012 by Realist3

[Furious]

I'm here to look at and gain different perspectives. It is an interesting topic. I sympathize with many of the people posting here as they have been devastated by the actions of the significant other. But I do find many of them to be quite young and immature. I have been married for 18 years and before that 8 years of dating.

 

I'm not looking for advice or anything of the sort. I'm completely happy and content with the choices I have made in terms of my affair.

 

And no, I'm not looking to see if my spouse is posting here, it is not her style.

 

 

In keeping with the theme of this thread. Considering that you are a WS, your view point on demonizing of the betrayed spouse would be an informative view point.

[GLDheart]

...I have been married for 18 years and before that 8 years of dating...

 

...I'm completely happy and content with the choices I have made in terms of my affair...

 

I would genuinely like to read your perspective.

 

What led a Man after 26 years to look for comfort in another woman while his wife stays at home un-aware?

 

How would you think she will feel if she ever finds out the full depth of what you have done?

 

Would you only regret your loss of her if she were to leave or would you mourn any pain you may cause?

 

If you could take a few moments to explain, your insight would be INVALUABLE to those of us "on the other side" of this equation.

 

Don't post that in this thread but take the time to make a fresh one that can stay on topic. Thank you in advance.

[Realist3]

I would genuinely like to read your perspective.

 

What led a Man after 26 years to look for comfort in another woman while his wife stays at home un-aware?

 

How would you think she will feel if she ever finds out the full depth of what you have done?

 

Would you only regret your loss of her if she were to leave or would you mourn any pain you may cause?

 

If you could take a few moments to explain, your insight would be INVALUABLE to those of us "on the other side" of this equation.

 

Don't post that in this thread but take the time to make a fresh one that can stay on topic. Thank you in advance.

 

 

Like I said I may post a thread about it detailing my particular situation, but she is not home and unaware.

[Furious]

Like I said I may post a thread about it detailing my particular situation, but she is not home and unaware.

 

 

Sorry GLDheart to t/j.

 

Let me guess, someone told your wife, she has left you.

[GLDheart]

Like I said I may post a thread about it detailing my particular situation, but she is not home and unaware.

 

 

Does she deserve this?

[Realist3]

Does she deserve this?

 

 

That is an interesting question. But let's save that for the thread I start. I don't need to hijack this thread any longer.

[Realist3]

I'm just trying to decide how long it should be because it could be a book.

[GLDheart]

That is an interesting question. But let's save that for the thread I start. I don't need to hijack this thread any longer.

 

 

And there I was thinking I was being so slick pulling you back on topic

 

You see, if she "deserves this" maybe that will shed light on how you as a Wayward could be shifting blame onto her ie. demonizing her.

[avon20]

They re-write history as their way of projecting their own issues on the betrayed spouse.