whatadeer26 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I've been struggling with this decision for a little while. Long story short we've dated over 2 years. 2 years ago about 4 months into our relationship she broke up with me. 3 months later we started dating but seeing other people we've been back together for about 14 months. I'd say in the last 2 months I've been feeling like I don't think I can live with her the rest of my life. She is controlling and doesn't want me to be with anyone but her. I see my friends 1 time every 5 months and even then she has an issue with it. So I ask when did u decide it was the right move to end it. It's been hard and I've told her I need time and space to think and reflect on what I want out of life. I'm 25 and was in this relationship for a while. I get the feeling like I want to be single but could be making the wrong choice. I'm confused as this is and was my first real relationship Sorry it is jumbled.
Philosoraptor Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 She seems very controlling. I think you need to ask yourself can you be happy to live the rest of your life like this? If not it's time to talk about it. If nothing changes it's time to end it.
TaraMaiden Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 The right decision to end things comes when you realise that what you put in, is more than you are getting out, and what you get out doesn't leave you feeling content, nourished and peaceful. everyone within a relationship wants - and deserves to be valued, cherished and understood. Every good relationship functions successfully, by having 3 basic qualities working together in harmony: Respect, Trust and Communication. Tick the boxes of these 6 and tell me they're all present in abundance. If they're not, ask yourself why. Why you're still there, then, that is.... 6
Mack05 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 (edited) The right decision to end things comes when you realise that what you put in, is more than you are getting out, and what you get out doesn't leave you feeling content, nourished and peaceful. everyone within a relationship wants - and deserves to be valued, cherished and understood. Every good relationship functions successfully, by having 3 basic qualities working together in harmony: Respect, Trust and Communication. Tick the boxes of these 6 and tell me they're all present in abundance. If they're not, ask yourself why. Why you're still there, then, that is.... Love this!! Adding..I think any man that stays with a controlling woman has no real backbone. Women like this suck all the good out of you abd leave you in the scrapheap broken. Not only that but you will eventually lose all sense of 'self'..who you are. My last ex was by a long way the most controlling woman I have ever met. I remember being on holiday and we are having dinner. I ask for a coke and the waiter brings it to me. He is about to open it and this crazy look comes across her eyes and she snaps "are you going to let him open that!". The waiter and I look at each other sheepishly not knowing what to do next. She would use lies, manipulation and distort things to maintain her 'control' over me. To maintain her self image in her head. She was very sensitive and I remember her saying sometimes your words hurt me. I was like what exactly have I said thats hurt you!? She then has a convo with my mother and says your mom said "sometimes his words will hurt you". A total lie as my mother told me later. Se did this to manipulate me. If your mom says it and I say it, then it must be true. When in her house it was like constantly walking on eggshells. We were having problems and I was on the couch. I was so tired (wasn't sleeping) that I might leave a press open or the carpet might not be at a 90 degree angle or I might forget to close the bathroom door. She would scold me like a mother does to a small child. The way her mother used to scold her. I really wish I stood up for myself and told her to go f^%( herself. By god if we were couple now, I would let her know in no uncertain terms, just how physcotic her behaviour was. Then I would run and never look back. I will never tolerate a woman trying to control me like that again. Apparently she was 'strong' and I couldn't handle her cause I was weak and pathetic. Fc*&^^& moron.. I was very tempted to tell people about the 'real' her and have many emails to prove it, but I decided forgiveness and self improvement was the better option. I would leave mate. There is no enjoyment with women like this. They are selfish, unkind, unsincere. They are not kind hearted. Life just wouldn't be fun and a constant uphill struggle. Edited June 19, 2012 by Mack05
olddirtyspatula Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I was very tempted to tell people about the 'real' her and have many emails to prove it, but I decided forgiveness and self improvement was the better option. I would leave mate.. Never mud wrestle with a pig. you'll both get dirty and the pig likes it. If she's that ****ty everyone who encounters her will figure it out on their own, you don't need to lower yourself to engage in mudslinging. Even if it is infuriating to see her misrepresent everything. just ignore, find a good outlet, and do something positive and eventually you won't care anymore and people will figure out what's real. They have brains too. 1
Mack05 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 (edited) Never mud wrestle with a pig. you'll both get dirty and the pig likes it. If she's that ****ty everyone who encounters her will figure it out on their own, you don't need to lower yourself to engage in mudslinging. Even if it is infuriating to see her misrepresent everything. just ignore, find a good outlet, and do something positive and eventually you won't care anymore and people will figure out what's real. They have brains too. I agree and thank you for the post..I just told a protective friend of mine to stop engaging the 'pig'..Forgiveness and self improvement is the better, wiser path to choose..Plus I am no longer infruriated . I actually feel sorry and pity for her. When I stood up for myself I was the liar and manipulator. When her friend sided with me after the break up, she cut her off and blamed me. She is a messed up soul and sadly I can't see that ever changing. Edited June 19, 2012 by Mack05 1
Author whatadeer26 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 The right decision to end things comes when you realise that what you put in, is more than you are getting out, and what you get out doesn't leave you feeling content, nourished and peaceful. everyone within a relationship wants - and deserves to be valued, cherished and understood. Every good relationship functions successfully, by having 3 basic qualities working together in harmony: Respect, Trust and Communication. Tick the boxes of these 6 and tell me they're all present in abundance. If they're not, ask yourself why. Why you're still there, then, that is.... Going over what you and everyone else have written. I feel cherish because I know she loves me. Valued and understood are another story. I work long hours with going to the gym at 6 am and then not getting home from work until like 7 or 8 All I want to do is sleep but she gets furious that I'll sleep at 9 or 10. There is not trust by her which is a huge concern of mine and the main reason right now I told her I need space and time to think. I can't stand that she go through my phone and gets mad if I take it with me in the bathroom. Another thing I hate is that she wil take advice from her stupid friends but never from me. She does what she wants most of the time or fights me about it. I'm not the best communicator but we have had talks. I feel like I can't tell her anything without her getting mad. Which is why I don't. I make her out to sound horrible which isn't fair but these aren't huge exaggerations. She wasn't all horrible
TaraMaiden Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Respect, Trust and communication are the three legs of the tripod that supports and sustains a relationship. If one of those is damaged or broken, the relationship can be dysfunctional. They can be repaired, but like a precious porcelain vase, is never as sound or as unsullied as when new. Trust, is the worst one ever, to break, of the three, and even if we attempt to mend it, it's virtually irreparable.
Author whatadeer26 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Thank you tm for the kind and logical words of wisdom. Thank you to everyone else as well. I hate that I am hurting her but I need to think about my needs first and foremost.
k100danny Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I guess for a lot of people there is a moment where you just think thats it it's over but I think for most it is a tiny feeling, you aren't sure what it is but something just doesn't quite feel right. I got this feeling quite early on In my last relationship that has just ended but for whatever reason I didn't act on it. My ex was VERY controlling, but I did love her and was made to feel guilty a lot of the time. I just thought to myself there must be something that is making her unhappy and wondered if it was me. she said she was happy with me but not lots of other things in her life. anyway, I tried everything I could to make her happy but ended up feeling like some said I was walking on egg shells, and sometimes it would feel more comfortable to be apart as i felt i could relax. Here are just a few of the controlling things that had happened in our relatioship. 3rd time we saw each other after two dates i met her and her friend at a bar after they had been out to see a band and at the end of the night i went home and not back to her place like she asked, I could sense the mood straight away and i got a phonecall when i got home and when i answered she opened with " are you f***ing kidding me" you would rather go home than be with me, ect ect. then I got an are you GAY accusation and it totally blew my mind. this worried me. around a month after starting dating on her bday I went to meet her and all of her girlfriends for drinks, i didnt know any of them really and felt a bit shy and i was kind of glancing around while they had their girly chat. well i got accused of checking out another woman, got shouted at while she was drunk and i ended up leaving. then she said sorry I have jealousy issues and we tried again. she used to tell me she would control the finances if we lived together, sshe used to get jealous of my 4 year old cousin and 3 month old cousin who I treat like my own children as i love kids and dont have any i spoil them rotten and she hated it. She was very needy in our relationship. I am very affectionate but this got too much at times. I felt on edge a lot of the time because if i got up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night or i couldnt sleep she would tut at me and i would then feel uncomfortable in my OWN house. Ive had the eyes rolled at me while im talking which is very dismissive and annoying, these are just some of the smaller things aswell I could write a book. And when i started to see it as emotional abuse being controlling I tried to talk to her and said look I have never given you a reason to be jealous, I do not cheat, I am with you because i want to be not because i need to be. You have to do nothing to keep me here I am here of my free will but you seem to pick at things and if you arent happy with me then we arent meant to be. she said i was being too sensative. when Toward the end i got into an argument with her I cant rememeber exactly what about but i just let it all out, the control the jealousy ect ect and i was MAD!!!! Guess what? apparently I was now showing my true colours and she could see what a nasty person I AM!! WTF?? My true colours are this, if you treat me with respect, love and care for me and fully accept who i am and it makes you happy I will give you the world. If that isnt enough for you or you arent fully happy then do us both a favour and make yourself happy because I don't deserve this **** and if youre unhappy neither do you.
favoritepills Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Going by what you've written about her so far, I'd say it's high time you broke up with her. She's clearly making you unhappy, and does seem unreasonably controlling.
KathyM Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 It's time to break up with her. She is controlling and trying to prevent you from having any other friends. That's not a healthy relationship to have. I'm sure she has some good qualities about her, but this controlling, monopolizing behavior should be a dealbreaker. My son had a girlfriend that sounds similar to what you describe. She gets jealous if he wants to do anything with his guy friends, and she expects to have all of his free time, smothering the rest of his life that doesn't revolve around her. Fortunately, he is no longer with her and can now see how controlling that relationship really was. It's time to let this one go.
Phanpooh Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 R u guys collecting "bad time" with exes? I want to join in hehe it's funny while we tried to stick in rela for long time with who r that horrible. My last ex's skill is harming guilty. If i did sth not right, apologize isnt enough. If she did wrong thing, it bcz of she is unlucky. She never take advise from me, no matter that is before, or while in and after relationship. While i worry abt her, its jealous. When she is jealous, it time to communicate. In 2y, i lost all friends, even it was a long distant relationship. She could borrow my friend money and dun mind to pay back, but i cant talk with her friends and they dun want to "betray" her, while she is seeing sb but still in rela with me... Everytime she came to me, i had to be in her 24/7 plan. But if i want to go to her, she dump me, nice! I dun know why i still love her...
Author whatadeer26 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 Thank you all very much for your advice and personal experiences. I broke it off last night. She isn't taking it well. But this entire time she blames me not herself for this. That of I loved her I would trust her and never let go and work on it. How many time can I trust those words. Lol.
jmjacobs31 Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 The right decision to end things comes when you realise that what you put in, is more than you are getting out, and what you get out doesn't leave you feeling content, nourished and peaceful. everyone within a relationship wants - and deserves to be valued, cherished and understood. Every good relationship functions successfully, by having 3 basic qualities working together in harmony: Respect, Trust and Communication. Tick the boxes of these 6 and tell me they're all present in abundance. If they're not, ask yourself why. Why you're still there, then, that is.... This is fabulous advice! i just wrote all this down in my jounral and am going to read it when I am feeling sad about my break up. Thanks!
StellaA Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Stay strong as the next few days are going to be the hardest! I had to finish with someone I loved as I knew they were never going to give me everything I wanted. It broke my heart but you have to think with your head, take your heart out of the equation right now! We have to believe we will find a good relationship and we will look back and realise it was the right thing. I am trying to 'enjoy' being single and working on me! it's tough but you owe it to yourself
Author whatadeer26 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 Stay strong as the next few days are going to be the hardest! I had to finish with someone I loved as I knew they were never going to give me everything I wanted. It broke my heart but you have to think with your head, take your heart out of the equation right now! We have to believe we will find a good relationship and we will look back and realise it was the right thing. I am trying to 'enjoy' being single and working on me! it's tough but you owe it to yourself Thanks for the encouragement it does hurt as she was my first true love. I am going to concentrate on myself and my career mainly. I'm young and a majority of my friends are single so enjoying the single life will be easy if I can steer clear of her and Facebook lol. I hate that f in site.
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