xxheartbrokenxx Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 i know that most people will say move on and unfriend but heres the backstory. My ex and I were together for 3.5 years (were each others firsts). We lived together in college and had dreams of marrying. My ex started talking to me somewhat after 6months of NC (after he dated someone new but broke up).. Then he friend requested me again on facebook (which i accepted)... but then he ignored my birthday and any attempts to contact (roughly 4 times). I still love him and want to maybe get back one day. If I defriend him will that hurt my chances of getting back? He must clearly still care/be interested if he friend requested me right? -but then why would he ignore all my contact attempts (it has been 2weeks since friend request). Please give some sound advice rather than "move on". I still love him with all my heart. I understand moving on is needed, which I am... but I still want to leave the door open and give me the best chance I can at getting him back.
AlexanderJames Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Firstly I should say what everyone else will and that is you should move on, but since this a forum for those seeking advice, and I like giving advice heres what you can do. I really hope you find what you're looking for with your decision. Well if you want him back, and you have your heart set on it. Then what I personally would do is keep them as a friend on facebook. Let them see how well you are doing without them, and how much you are ejoying life. Let them see that you arent crippled by their absense, and that your headed places in life. Strength, confidence and success are very attractive traits. Make sure he see's all these things in you, without you forcing them onto him. He must discover out of his own curiosity. If he feels for you like you say then he will look, and he will find. Dont show him, or make attempts to contact him. This is important, you cannot initiate contact. It shows weakness and dependancy. And gives him the power. If he contacts you, keep it blunt, like you arent all that interested and do not care. Dont feel you have to wait a day or 2 days every time you reply, this gets old and becomes obvious. Be the confident successful person that attracted him, show him he is missing out. But make sure if he comes back you do not make it easy. If he calls to talk, make it seem like you're very busy and can only talk briefly, then say goodbye and hangup when you are ready, do not drag the conversation out. Keep him wanting more. And if he wants to meet up, drag it out until a time that suits you, make him think "What can she be doing that is so important and special that she cant spare a moment with me?" Not hearing from you, and seeing for himself that your doing great and loving life are what will make him miss you and come back, if he does at all. Please do not depend on my advice to work 100%. Its only what I would do if i decided I wanted to try and get someone back. Good luck, I hope things work out. 1
Author xxheartbrokenxx Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 I want to thank you very much for that advice. Probably the best advice I have been given with this. I understand that moving on is needed, and I was starting to but then he poked back into my life. I think he is talking to someone new now and I think that is why I am starting to obsess again and wonder if thats why he is ignoring me. I understand he is my ex, and ex's are ex's for a reason. But with your advice I think I can atleast increase my odds of getting back. And just as you said, he has to make the first move. I thought he had already, but either he backed out or found someone new. I just wish I could stop obsessing again. A part of me wishes I never added him again because it opened me up to all the emotions again. I was starting to really heal then BAM. I got hopeful again, and now I think he's moved on even further than before. But your advice is perfect because even if we do not get back, I will have made myself a better person (even if my motivation is to get him back -but eventually that should fade I think). I just hope I can stay strong enough while I watch his facebook and if he gets into another relationship. Thank you again though! Very much appreciated
Notforever Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Alexanderjames your advice has been amazing! Goodness:) The one thing I can say is that defriending and even blocking my ex on Facebook was one of the best things I ever did, that an deleting all our texting history. Not only are you not constantly obsessing over everything he's doing and who he has added, but he becomes more interested, wondering why you blocked him and obsessing over what he can't see. He added you to keep tabs so this will probably drive him crazy. Of course the urge to peek at his profile is there but you'll hate setting yourself back and it gives you time to make sure you even care enough to do it. Good luck, I hope you find what makes you truly happy:) 2
AlexanderJames Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Dont mention it glad I could help. Just remember not to hold on to something not worth waiting for. Do your best to forget and move on, and if he comes back great, but if not at least your already well on your way to having let go Go out with friends and do things you enjoy in the mean time, it will take your mind off of it. And if you find yourself really struggling write down all the things you hated about him and all the things he did wrong by you, and read them. Remind yourself that it wasnt all perfect. Because this is something we always seem to overlook during times like these. Best of luck
Author xxheartbrokenxx Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 thanks for your response notforever. I have to agree that when I blocked my ex it was a sense of relief. I had him blocked for 6months, but when he broke up with the rebound I unblocked him, and that is when he friend requested me. I think accepting the request was a horrible mistake, because now if I block again it will make me look "bitter, immature, weak". Sure, it may make me feel better, but do you really think it could help increase my odds of getting him back down the road? I feel that alexander's input might be a better path of increasing those odds (even though it may not be much, and it will not let me move on =( ). But I figure that I really love my ex, and would do anything for him and to have another chance. If I show him I have changed for the better, and make him miss being with me, I think that may be better than him just wondering what Im doing with life. (I could be wrong, but who knows)...
AlexanderJames Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Alexanderjames your advice has been amazing! Goodness:) The one thing I can say is that defriending and even blocking my ex on Facebook was one of the best things I ever did, that an deleting all our texting history. Not only are you not constantly obsessing over everything he's doing and who he has added, but he becomes more interested, wondering why you blocked him and obsessing over what he can't see. He added you to keep tabs so this will probably drive him crazy. Of course the urge to peek at his profile is there but you'll hate setting yourself back and it gives you time to make sure you even care enough to do it. Good luck, I hope you find what makes you truly happy:) Thank you And thanks for your sweet words in your thread too. I did exactly what you did, blocked on facebook, deleted txts and even the phone number. I've had no urges to look at her fb, mostly because seeing pictures and things doesnt help, only hinders. Ignorence is bliss in this case
AlexanderJames Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 thanks for your response notforever. I have to agree that when I blocked my ex it was a sense of relief. I had him blocked for 6months, but when he broke up with the rebound I unblocked him, and that is when he friend requested me. I think accepting the request was a horrible mistake, because now if I block again it will make me look "bitter, immature, weak". Sure, it may make me feel better, but do you really think it could help increase my odds of getting him back down the road? I feel that alexander's input might be a better path of increasing those odds (even though it may not be much, and it will not let me move on =( ). But I figure that I really love my ex, and would do anything for him and to have another chance. If I show him I have changed for the better, and make him miss being with me, I think that may be better than him just wondering what Im doing with life. (I could be wrong, but who knows)... If you have your heart set on it, you wont be able to really truly move on until you've given it one more final try I suppose. As long as you know when to pack it in. When you feel it's hopeless, move on. Dont miss out on wonderful experiences and years of your life for something that has alread walked out of your life once before. I can kind of relate. I gave it a crack with my ex, I left her but regretted it deeply. I decided I wanted to try once more, poured my heart and soul out to her gave it 110% of what I had inside of me. My efforts where returned with affection and the hope of reconciliation. And just when everyone was certain we were back together, myself included, she turned around and admitted it was all an act to get revenge for me hurting her. So please be careful, because what I had hoped and thought to be my happily ever after turned out to be the biggest waste of time and heartache I've ever known. Look after yourself above all else. Love yourself, and people will love you for it.
Notforever Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 While I do strongly agree that Alexander's advice is better I still think there's something to be said for keeping him wondering, and making sure you're not doing things just for the sake of it, posting certain things hoping he'll see and be jealous or want you back. Working on you and fixing mistakes is doing it for you and change doesn't seem as authentic when it's aimed towards another person. Good luck in whatever you decide:) keep people updated so they know what works best too!
AlexanderJames Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 While I do strongly agree that Alexander's advice is better I still think there's something to be said for keeping him wondering, and making sure you're not doing things just for the sake of it, posting certain things hoping he'll see and be jealous or want you back. Working on you and fixing mistakes is doing it for you and change doesn't seem as authentic when it's aimed towards another person. Good luck in whatever you decide:) keep people updated so they know what works best too! Correct. When you start doing things for attention or with the intention to influence someone else it strays from allowing yourself to grow and be happy. My advice is more intended to keep the window open for viewing, but it does require the dedication not to peek through yourself. Although my advice isnt advice I would take myself, I understand that its hard to think of anything else once you have your heart set. Personally, I think that Notforever's advice is better as a means to an end, a way of securing hapiness for yourself in the long run and moving on, not as a means of winning someone back. Which is what I would myself be striving to achieve but alas, everyones wants and needs are different. But you have set your heart on this, and some things in life need to be tried and tested for ourselves. Before we can be content. Just remember that whatever the outcome, theres a whole community of people like us on here ready to talk to you and offer advice. Hope to hear about your progress soon.
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