! stop me from sending my ex this letter/email..

[esteem-jam]

That quoted essay- edit the capital letters, punctuation -> right now it seems not cute =) Then apply the 48 hours rule and think again.

[GLDheart]

If it all boiled down to only one motive for writing that letter, would it be to win her back?

 

If the situation was flipped would that letter work on you?

 

She is the one "changing her mind" not you. That is why you don't understand where she is coming from. If she doesnt want to let you in to her thoughts, no amount of emotional blackmail will work on her.

 

Also, remember that if this is truly the end of the road for you two, what you show her now may be the final images she ever has to remember you by. You, in that way, have a chance to write your future history left to her.

[Mack05]

You are in denial Jono. Like a drug addict 10 minutes into cold turkey "I feel fine". You are emotional right now and you are going to experience serious heightened mood swings in the next 24 hours..

 

You received great advice from ruby and ladyabs and ignored it all. Is that letter/text seriously whats in your heart? It seems you were more concerned about looking cool. Pride ain't nothing when it comes to matters of the heart. The letter/text is not real or genuine. If she doesn't reply (I wouldn't if I got a text like that) what are you going to do? Stick to NC? Lash out at her because you didn't get the answer you wanted? btw She got the text, no need for the email.

 

You reacted without thinking. You didn't think through the consequences. I did that too. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way. I bet you any money if she hasn't replied that you don't feel 'fine' this morning. If you break NC again and send a different letter/text she will see how erratic you are..Is that REALLY how you wanted your last correspendence to be with her?

 

If you want my advice wait longer then a few months before embarking on a new relationship this time. Maybe focus on the fact why you have had two relationships fail back to back in quick succession. Look into the reasons 'why' from your side.

[Jono85]

You are in denial Jono. Like a drug addict 10 minutes into cold turkey "I feel fine". You are emotional right now and you are going to experience serious heightened mood swings in the next 24 hours..

 

You received great advice from ruby and ladyabs and ignored it all. Is that letter/text seriously whats in your heart? It seems you were more concerned about looking cool. Pride ain't nothing when it comes to matters of the heart. The letter/text is not real or genuine. If she doesn't reply (I wouldn't if I got a text like that) what are you going to do? Stick to NC? Lash out at her because you didn't get the answer you wanted? btw She got the text, no need for the email.

 

You reacted without thinking. You didn't think through the consequences. I did that too. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way. I bet you any money if she hasn't replied that you don't feel 'fine' this morning. If you break NC again and send a different letter/text she will see how erratic you are..Is that REALLY how you wanted your last correspendence to be with her?

 

If you want my advice wait longer then a few months before embarking on a new relationship this time. Maybe focus on the fact why you have had two relationships fail back to back in quick succession. Look into the reasons 'why' from your side.

 

dude chilllll.

 

i was very content and happy and everything i wrote was 100% genuine. no lies. i did admit that my heart was still confused, but i don't understand why u think i was trying to look "cool". really? i seriously accept that she doesn't want to be together anymore and i want her to be happy. why would i want someone staying with me who doesn't want to be?

 

 

turns out she called me after her shift, and we had an hour long convo. she expressed how happy she was to hear from me, and that she thought i hated her. most of the talk was about our failures, and our future. she did not suggest she wanted to be back with me right now (she said she wanted to focus on her...yes i realize this could mean bang other guys), but i can read her well, and i'll tell u that she hasn't lost her feelings yet at all nor her attraction. i've had these sorts of post-mordem talks with exes in the past and the lack of energy/care from a certain ex was so palpable; not in this case at all. she also actually thought in her mind that i dumped her again this time, which is partially true. i did dump her after she threatened me before the weekend "it's over if u don't want me to come" she threatened. and upset i angrily called her bluff.

 

she told me everything i had suspected. that i was always picking fights with her for silly things (i was) and it created distance b/c she was so stressed with work (she was/is stressed and is quitting later this month) and she needed her rock, and unfortunately i was just another enemy of hers more often than not and caused her much pain. she began to cry/get emotional.

 

she's actually going to europe with her girlfriend in 3 weeks. she's planned this with her over the past 3 weeks. an opportunity arose with her friends family and she'll be staying with them (not excited for the prospects she'll be out with her gf at times for some sexy european men to swoop her up but what can ya do). she's going for a month. she doesn't want anything before then, and neither would i. we're not nearly strong enough right now to survive something like that. BUT, she wanted to arrange some sort of rule where we would for sure tell eachother if we slept with anyone during that time, which i laughed at b/c i know she (nor me probably) could never do that in reality (tell the other person that info, if we were hoping to get back together).

 

 

after we stopped talking she even texted me later last night and we texted for a while. she even said "sexy" after i told her a plan for my 2nd tattoo. and was using smiley faces which is always a good sign with her (in the past she generally uses them when times are great and she's being affectionate, and doesn't when she's distant). we even ended our phone call with kisses, on the cheek though (we used to always end them with kisses btw).

 

none of all this positivity means anything about the future. she said she was not seeing anyone and couldn't see anyone else for a long time, but every girl says those things. i think she just got tired of all the fighting, and i don't blame her. i stopped making her happy, and u could tell how well she responds to me when we're both talking together without any hint of anger. i can tell the part of her that loves me deeply, shone through at times yesterday, most likely b/c i was positive and made her feel good again like i used to.

 

i have no idea where this ends...BUT i really am genuinely happy about saying eerything i did, and ending on a great note. i don't want to be bitter with her, i do love her. that was one of my goals yesterday, to convey that. if she comes back from europe and doesn't want to be with me, i will be okay and know she wasn't the one. i can live with that.

 

what i couldn't live with was ending things in a hostile nasty manner in which i did. it was great to relieve that guilt for the both of us.

[Keats]

wow it's such an honest letter. if anything it will encourage her to be absolutely honest about her feelings. as closure is important. in these situations loose strings and hope is self harm.

[Mack05]

Jono I am very chilled mate, not sure where you got the fact I was annoyed? I mean its 88 and sunny and I am working in an outdoor beach bar today with a beautiful sweet girl serving me :-)..Ok you know best, but in my opinion you are in denial and this will situation get worse before it gets better..I can read between the lines in your post and its clear that you are getting your hopes up..You are not letting go (which you need to) and despite your fervent belief you are 'content', you are not. She is keeping you at the end of her string, just in case things don't work out for her the way she hopes. You are going to end up crushed.

 

Even if you believe you are in control. You are clearly not..I mean just look at this thread. You write a letter, believe you are going to stay NC, change the letter without properly thinking it through and then break NC. All in the space of a few hours. You write the text for 'closure' and now you are going to tell each other if you sleep with others or not!? Emotionally you are all over the place and in complete and utter denial. Time will prove me right...As Flo says same script, different actors..

 

The best thing you can do is leave her go 110%. But who I am kidding. You are not going to listen to me anyway. You are about to learn a very harsh lesson. Don't say you weren't warned..Even if you get back together this relationship will fail. It has no chance of a successful long term future. There is no real foundation there. Your heart is clouding your judgement right now. When a relationship is unstable the two people involved kid themselves that if we change this and that, it will then be smooth sailing. The problem is the arguments they are having are usually caused by issues underneath the surface, that sometimes they are not even aware of.

 

Best of luck Jono..Remember I am on your side, but sometimes posters don't like reading the harsh truth. The harsh truth here is that this will probably end up nasty after many back and forths..Same script, different actors..She will have a ball in Europe and you will waste your time pining for a girl you have no future with..

Edited June 19, 2012 by Mack05

[Jono85]

Jono I am very chilled mate, not sure where you got the fact I was annoyed? I mean its 88 and sunny and I am working in an outdoor beach bar today with a beautiful sweet girl serving me :-)..Ok you know best, but in my opinion you are in denial and this will situation get worse before it gets better..I can read between the lines in your post and its clear that you are getting your hopes up..You are not letting go (which you need to) and despite your fervent belief you are 'content', you are not. She is keeping you at the end of her string, just in case things don't work out for her the way she hopes. You are going to end up crushed.

 

Even if you believe you are in control. You are clearly not..I mean just look at this thread. You write a letter, believe you are going to stay NC, change the letter without properly thinking it through and then break NC. All in the space of a few hours. Emotionally you are all over the place and in complete and utter denial. Time will prove me right...As Flo says same script, different actors..

 

The best thing you can do is leave her go 110%. But who I am kidding. You are not going to listen to me anyway. You are about to learn a very harsh lesson. Don't say you weren't warned..Even if you get back together this relationship will fail. It has no chance of a successful long term future. There is no real foundation there. Your heart is clouding your judgement right now. When a relationship is unstable the two people involved kid themselves that if we change this and that it will then be smooth sailing. The problem is the arguments they are having are usually caused by issues underneath the surface, that sometimes they are not even aware of.

 

Best of luck Jono..Remember I am on your side, but sometimes posters don't like reading the harsh truth. The harsh truth here is that this will end up nasty after many back and forths..Same script, different actors..She will have a ball in Europe and you will waste your time pining for a girl you have no future with..

 

i'm not going to pretend that everything you said is ridiculous, i know it is not. but keep in mind you also said this in a post earlier..

 

Maybe with the right girl for you, you might not get stubborn and be open to a reconcilation after 6 months? Believe if you want one of those women (the special one's) sometimes you have to make the biggest sacrificies. I think the attitude "I know after 6 months I won't want her", maybe that is something you should look into to? If after 6 months a girl I still loved, moved mountains to get back with me it's something I would not dismiss lightly.

 

so basically you DO believe that breakups CAN turn to makeups, just not this one, correct?

 

that's fine. truth is mack i don't have as high of hopes as u think i do. i'm not saying i've reached indifference or anything with her, i'm still hurt at what happened, but i just feel all i can do is give it a shot, and if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. she's not perfect, obviously.

 

also, don't forget that this is the very first time she's dumped me in the whole year. i dumped her 3 times, and 4 times if u include the latest time, while her number would be 0. i'm not saying that gives me some advantage or something, but truth is she's been hurt by me quite a bit. i do believe she was still in love with me when she accepted me back, b/c i creeped her phone when she was over at my house, while out of my room, and saw a convo with her best friend the previous week while we were talking agian, basically so ecstatic that we were able to reconcile. i HAD changed, and had become very hostile and snappy. she always felt like she could do nothing right. it took a big toll on her. who knows, maybe this period of time isn't reversible, i'll find out. but i think b/c of how sudden we broke up (she basically only broke up with me AFTER i broke up with her and tried apologizing/getting her back). she wasn't planning this for any length of time.

 

also, we wn't be getting back together for a few months at minimum if thats the route we fall into. i told her that i'm single now b/c of the fact she doesn't want to get back right now, and will do antyhing and everything for me to heal. i'm not waiting around for her. these 2-3 months apart will be very telling for both of us.

 

i realize she might come back from europe having the time of her life, and wanting to have a fresh start on life, yada yada yada. who knows, by then i might not even want her back and have found someone msyself that i want to pursue.

 

ur missing the MAIN PURPOSE of me reaching out. and that was to clear the animosity and hostility in the air. she thought i hated her, i did not in fact. i felt like i left things showing i hated her, and i did not. i wanted to take it back, and i feel good that i did so. i'll update at some point and we'll see how this unfolds.

[ladyabstrused]

she told me everything i had suspected. that i was always picking fights with her for silly things (i was) and it created distance b/c she was so stressed with work (she was/is stressed and is quitting later this month) and she needed her rock, and unfortunately i was just another enemy of hers more often than not and caused her much pain. she began to cry/get emotional.

 

I can so relate to her. She's definitely exhausted emotionally with all the stress and the fighting .. with her work stress and then with her relationship stress. How long were you guys together? I'd say it's wise of her to step out of such a difficult place..whereas it took me close to 5 long ass years with plans made ahead of the future.

 

The only reason why she was responding to you as though things were good between you two was because she genuinely cares and loves you deep down inside but at the same time, she feels much better where she's at now.

 

i have no idea where this ends...BUT i really am genuinely happy about saying eerything i did, and ending on a great note. i don't want to be bitter with her, i do love her. that was one of my goals yesterday, to convey that. if she comes back from europe and doesn't want to be with me, i will be okay and know she wasn't the one. i can live with that.

 

what i couldn't live with was ending things in a hostile nasty manner in which i did. it was great to relieve that guilt for the both of us.

 

If you genuinely feel this way, then good for you and good for her I guess but I'll say in my opinion, it won't make much of a difference to her...because all she can ever remember now is how it initially ended.

 

But I wish you luck ahead for your healing and moving on process (which won't happen if you continue contact with her because you are very attached to her). Learn from your mistakes and do better in the future.

[Mack05]

Yes Jono people can get back together after breakups but the overall stats are not good. You broke up with her 4 times in a year?Can I ask why? What caused these breakups? That tells me you are not happy in the relationship. If you breakup with a girl that many times she will start to emotionally disconnect from you. No girl wants to be with a man that breaks up with her on a whim. There is no security there and every woman craves security.

 

I think you missed my point here..

 

"Maybe with the right girl for you, you might not get stubborn and be open to a reconcilation after 6 months? Believe if you want one of those women (the special one's) sometimes you have to make the biggest sacrificies. I think the attitude "I know after 6 months I won't want her", maybe that is something you should look into to? If after 6 months a girl I still loved, moved mountains to get back with me it's something I would not dismiss lightly"

 

There are two points. Firstly to make it work with the right girl you will have to make sacrifices to make the relationship smoothly move forward. Just because things are not going the way you want, doesn't mean you engage in pull - push behaviour. There are two options. 1) grow together and adapt or 2) move on (be decisive). Anything else is showing emotional immaturity.

 

Secondly I am questioning your behaviour(s) and attitude. Trying to make you turn this inward. Is your stubborness getting in the way of this relationship? past relationships? You may not like this, but there is clear and obvious signs of emotional immaturity in your behaviour. You have to get to the bottom of your behaviours. What is causing all the breakups? what is behind the hostility? the snappy behaviour?the silly fights? Are you content in your life? Are you fully over your last ex? Was this latest relationship a rebound? etc etc..

 

You need to use this time apart focusing on all this. Turning things inward. Getting to the bottom of this emotionally immature behaviour. If you don't, then expect your next relationship to follow the exact same trends...Promising 'change' when you haven't gotten to the bottom of the problem(s) is nothing more then a 'false' promise, no matter how genuine you are.

Edited June 19, 2012 by Mack05

[ladyabstrused]

also, don't forget that this is the very first time she's dumped me in the whole year. i dumped her 3 times, and 4 times if u include the latest time, while her number would be 0. i'm not saying that gives me some advantage or something, but truth is she's been hurt by me quite a bit.

 

Same as what I went through. Ex would break off several times throughout our relationship.. I never did once. And then suddenly, I just couldn't take it and did it but with much thought given to it also. Believe me, I'm sure she didn't just suddenly want to break up with you. I'm sure she's had some moments of thoughts where she would just want it to be done and over with. All that stress and heartache? I bet.

 

she always felt like she could do nothing right. it took a big toll on her. who knows, maybe this period of time isn't reversible, i'll find out. but i think b/c of how sudden we broke up (she basically only broke up with me AFTER i broke up with her and tried apologizing/getting her back). she wasn't planning this for any length of time.

 

She probably have had thoughts about it. Also, you need to let he heal, honestly. If she was feeling like she could do nothing right.. which I can relate to so much.. give the girl time to heal. At least.

 

i'm not waiting around for her. these 2-3 months apart will be very telling for both of us.

 

Wise decision, don't wait around. She's trying to heal and move on, let her be. If it's meant to be that you two get together in the future, both better people, then maybe things will work better if it can happen.. but don't put hopes on it. Just a possibility like how anything is possible.

 

i realize she might come back from europe having the time of her life, and wanting to have a fresh start on life, yada yada yada. who knows, by then i might not even want her back and have found someone msyself that i want to pursue.

 

Maybe she will have the time of her life, maybe not. I'm sure she will have a good break from the relationship. But have the time of her life? Maybe not entirely. I'm sure she's also going through sh*t from the break up cos it does seem like she did love and care about you.

Edited June 19, 2012 by ladyabstrused

[without]

dude chilllll.

 

i was very content and happy and everything i wrote was 100% genuine. no lies. i did admit that my heart was still confused, but i don't understand why u think i was trying to look "cool". really? i seriously accept that she doesn't want to be together anymore and i want her to be happy. why would i want someone staying with me who doesn't want to be?

 

 

turns out she called me after her shift, and we had an hour long convo. she expressed how happy she was to hear from me, and that she thought i hated her. most of the talk was about our failures, and our future. she did not suggest she wanted to be back with me right now (she said she wanted to focus on her...yes i realize this could mean bang other guys), but i can read her well, and i'll tell u that she hasn't lost her feelings yet at all nor her attraction. i've had these sorts of post-mordem talks with exes in the past and the lack of energy/care from a certain ex was so palpable; not in this case at all. she also actually thought in her mind that i dumped her again this time, which is partially true. i did dump her after she threatened me before the weekend "it's over if u don't want me to come" she threatened. and upset i angrily called her bluff.

 

she told me everything i had suspected. that i was always picking fights with her for silly things (i was) and it created distance b/c she was so stressed with work (she was/is stressed and is quitting later this month) and she needed her rock, and unfortunately i was just another enemy of hers more often than not and caused her much pain. she began to cry/get emotional.

 

she's actually going to europe with her girlfriend in 3 weeks. she's planned this with her over the past 3 weeks. an opportunity arose with her friends family and she'll be staying with them (not excited for the prospects she'll be out with her gf at times for some sexy european men to swoop her up but what can ya do). she's going for a month. she doesn't want anything before then, and neither would i. we're not nearly strong enough right now to survive something like that. BUT, she wanted to arrange some sort of rule where we would for sure tell eachother if we slept with anyone during that time, which i laughed at b/c i know she (nor me probably) could never do that in reality (tell the other person that info, if we were hoping to get back together).

 

 

after we stopped talking she even texted me later last night and we texted for a while. she even said "sexy" after i told her a plan for my 2nd tattoo. and was using smiley faces which is always a good sign with her (in the past she generally uses them when times are great and she's being affectionate, and doesn't when she's distant). we even ended our phone call with kisses, on the cheek though (we used to always end them with kisses btw).

 

none of all this positivity means anything about the future. she said she was not seeing anyone and couldn't see anyone else for a long time, but every girl says those things. i think she just got tired of all the fighting, and i don't blame her. i stopped making her happy, and u could tell how well she responds to me when we're both talking together without any hint of anger. i can tell the part of her that loves me deeply, shone through at times yesterday, most likely b/c i was positive and made her feel good again like i used to.

 

i have no idea where this ends...BUT i really am genuinely happy about saying eerything i did, and ending on a great note. i don't want to be bitter with her, i do love her. that was one of my goals yesterday, to convey that. if she comes back from europe and doesn't want to be with me, i will be okay and know she wasn't the one. i can live with that.

 

what i couldn't live with was ending things in a hostile nasty manner in which i did. it was great to relieve that guilt for the both of us.

 

Do you know what this reminds me of? Friends. the one with the metaphorical tunnel episode.

 

RACHEL: Shhh...I don't know what to do, this is totally unprecedented.

 

MONICA: If-if-if we ever did what you did a man would never call.

 

RACHEL: Yeah.

 

RACHEL: He's soo lucky, if Janice were a guy, she'd be sleeping with somebody else by now.

[Jono85]

so an update:

 

she seems determined to stay the course she set out on, and focus on herself, esp with europe just 3 weeks away. her last 2 texts, this morning, were:

 

i like all this thinking you have been doing and it makes me think too but i'm keeping my foot down and going to stick to what i think is best for me right now. i do think about you all the time though

 

my response

 

that's fine. like i said i don't want u back if u don't want to be with me 100%. it would obviously fail. but i think it does say something about the future if you'd rather not be with me than work on things unfortunately. we've already been apart for 3 months just recently, where for most of it u needed time and thought u figured u did want me. i was patient then and waited. but now here we are again. me wanting to be with u, and u not wanting it. i feel like u barely gave me a chance this time (2 weeks). i need someone who has more faith in me and commitement to us . even though i know i had a bad few weeks i thought we had built something stronger so i am surprised a bit. but if u feel a life without me allows u to be happier then i will accept that. i've said everything i wanted to and can live with that and be content.

 

last msg from me

 

i just wanted to stress that i'm not bitter in any way with u. disappointed? sure. but anyway i really hope u find what ur looking for, along with happiness and remember the goodtimes

 

 

just sent those, she's at work. hopefully just get a goodbye text from her and we can part ways.

 

 

do i think she'll come back?? i really don't know. i'm going to move on like she won't be. i'm going to go strict NC again and if she tries to reach out i'll ignore. she'll understand. if she tries to reach out in a way that would suggest she wants to work on/try things i'll make a decision at that time.

 

to be honest, i still don't feel crushed at all. not like i did before contacting her. i think this is because most importantly, i cleared my conscience. i truly didn't like ending so bitterly and immaturely. i loved this woman. i should respect her decisions and at the very least be civil/mature with her. i do feel a bit down, but it's very faint. but who knows this is just day 1 now lol.

 

another reason i figure is b/c i saw signs that she still has feelings for me and really enjoys talking to me. she was ecstatic to hear from me. we talked for an hour, and she was emotional at times. in our phone call i told her how my family wouldn't want/like me to get back with her anyway to which she initially was upset at and was about to hang up "why did u do that, how am i to come back now?" but i assured her that it was just b/c they saw how crushed i was and they knew how much i loved her and how i thought she was a wonderful girl (they never got too close with her, we spent most of our time at her place). just made me feel good that she actually cared so much how she looked to my family during this breakup (why would she care at all since she barely knew them if she thought this was over for good?).

 

anyway, gonna move on now. i'm not going to set a date or anything, but the longer she goes obviously, the less chance i'll accept her back. not gonna wait for her or anything, i'll look to date other girls fairly soon.

[Jono85]

I can so relate to her. She's definitely exhausted emotionally with all the stress and the fighting .. with her work stress and then with her relationship stress. How long were you guys together? I'd say it's wise of her to step out of such a difficult place..whereas it took me close to 5 long ass years with plans made ahead of the future.

 

The only reason why she was responding to you as though things were good between you two was because she genuinely cares and loves you deep down inside but at the same time, she feels much better where she's at now.

we were together for a year.

 

yeah i think she feels safer and less like she's on a roller-coaster. right now she can focus on her life, set out and enjoy one of the biggest opportunities of her life so far (month in europe travelling) and not have to worry about fights bringing her down and hurting her. she told me in the phone call how she was crying almost daily during that time, so obv she wasn't happy. and i'm also learning to what degree she was unhappy at work. i always tried to tell her she should just quit, but there were also days she came home saying she had a good day and was upbeat etc so i never knew how bad it was. but now she's actually quitting her job so she can take this trip, i never would have thought she'd do that.

 

If you genuinely feel this way, then good for you and good for her I guess but I'll say in my opinion, it won't make much of a difference to her...because all she can ever remember now is how it initially ended.

 

But I wish you luck ahead for your healing and moving on process (which won't happen if you continue contact with her because you are very attached to her). Learn from your mistakes and do better in the future.

 

thanks, and yeah i def NEVER do friends with exes. it was either get her back to work on things, or no contact. i'l def learn from my mistakes. on the one hand i was terrible in those 2 weeks, BUT, i had a bit of a reason to be. i was insecure b/c when we broke up 3 months prior, i broke up with her because she killed the trust by lying/msging a guy on facebook and there was one flirty comment, nothing even that bad. "i could use a personal trainer " after the guy said he just got a PT job. but the worst was that she deleted the msgs before showing me her facebook. and she was distant that week and yet talking to him. she claimed my lack of commitment was to blame so i eventually asked for her back. but i jumped in without really trusting her.

 

i think i need to resolve that issue (do i or don't i trust her) before ever considering another future with her. i don't believe she'd cheat, but she likes male attention a little bit too much for my liking.

[Jono85]

Yes Jono people can get back together after breakups but the overall stats are not good. You broke up with her 4 times in a year?Can I ask why? What caused these breakups? That tells me you are not happy in the relationship. If you breakup with a girl that many times she will start to emotionally disconnect from you. No girl wants to be with a man that breaks up with her on a whim. There is no security there and every woman craves security.

 

I think you missed my point here..

 

"Maybe with the right girl for you, you might not get stubborn and be open to a reconcilation after 6 months? Believe if you want one of those women (the special one's) sometimes you have to make the biggest sacrificies. I think the attitude "I know after 6 months I won't want her", maybe that is something you should look into to? If after 6 months a girl I still loved, moved mountains to get back with me it's something I would not dismiss lightly"

 

There are two points. Firstly to make it work with the right girl you will have to make sacrifices to make the relationship smoothly move forward. Just because things are not going the way you want, doesn't mean you engage in pull - push behaviour. There are two options. 1) grow together and adapt or 2) move on (be decisive). Anything else is showing emotional immaturity.

 

Secondly I am questioning your behaviour(s) and attitude. Trying to make you turn this inward. Is your stubborness getting in the way of this relationship? past relationships? You may not like this, but there is clear and obvious signs of emotional immaturity in your behaviour. You have to get to the bottom of your behaviours. What is causing all the breakups? what is behind the hostility? the snappy behaviour?the silly fights? Are you content in your life? Are you fully over your last ex? Was this latest relationship a rebound? etc etc..

 

You need to use this time apart focusing on all this. Turning things inward. Getting to the bottom of this emotionally immature behaviour. If you don't, then expect your next relationship to follow the exact same trends...Promising 'change' when you haven't gotten to the bottom of the problem(s) is nothing more then a 'false' promise, no matter how genuine you are.

 

ok 3 breakups, and the last one was moreso her IMO. i techically broke up with her this last time but she was the one who threatened me "if i don't come this weekend it's over" and i apologized on the monday/told her it wasn't what i wanted at the time or now. so i count this one as her.

 

the 3rd time, the other one this year, was b/c of the things in my previous post, lack of trust. she lied and it hurt.

 

the first 2 were last year, in the earlier stages of dating. she was fully and heavily in love with me, and i wasn't there yet. i told her i needed time but she was being so insecure and starting fights a lot b/c of me needing much more time, so i ended things twice out of guilt, but took her back literally within 24 hours both times. she begged/pleaded b/c i would tell her i don't have a good reason to break up with her other than i'm not in love with her. she would respond "well if there's no one else, and u still enjoy seeing me, then lets keep it going until u don't want to see me anymore". i did enjoy spending time with her, and there wasn't anyone else, just wasn't feeling as intense as her and felt sooo guilty. so we kept going.

 

well it wasn't until my 3rd breakup, the trust one, that we actually separated normally, and didn't hang out the entire 3 months. she began getting cold, and partying/starting to move on, and i could tell she was actually accepting this one and fed up. i realized i do love her a LOT. i always knew deep down, b/c i cared for her so damn much. but it wasn't until we had space when i realized i need this girl in my life and i'm in love with her. i tried forgiving her lies b/c i'd never once said I Love You or gave her all of me in those 8 months, and believed her when she said that was why she got distant near the end and wanted attention from other guys.

 

 

 

i'll address ur other points later. need sleep badly (work a night shift).

[ladyabstrused]

anyway, gonna move on now. i'm not going to set a date or anything, but the longer she goes obviously, the less chance i'll accept her back. not gonna wait for her or anything, i'll look to date other girls fairly soon.

 

You should take time to heal too. Not just for her, but for yourself as well. Before you would want a proper relationship with anyone else.

 

yeah i think she feels safer and less like she's on a roller-coaster. right now she can focus on her life, set out and enjoy one of the biggest opportunities of her life so far (month in europe travelling) and not have to worry about fights bringing her down and hurting her.

 

I wish I could have a month trip somewhere to just unwind and get my mind off of things. It's good for her. I think she deserves a break.

 

i was insecure b/c when we broke up 3 months prior, i broke up with her because she killed the trust by lying/msging a guy on facebook and there was one flirty comment, nothing even that bad. "i could use a personal trainer " after the guy said he just got a PT job. but the worst was that she deleted the msgs before showing me her facebook. and she was distant that week and yet talking to him. she claimed my lack of commitment was to blame so i eventually asked for her back. but i jumped in without really trusting her.

 

This whole facebook issue sounds so freaking familiar.

 

Anyway, you do believe that she's been truthful to you and loved you right? There must be a reason for her to look elsewhere when you're not giving her what she needed from you. You say that you pick fights a lot with her and that it made her sad, sooner or later, she's gonna want some form of available attention. I'm not saying this is the right thing to do or if it's good, I'm just saying that it's probably human nature to need or crave for attention from the person you love and if that doesn't happen, it will happen elsewhere.

 

i think i need to resolve that issue (do i or don't i trust her) before ever considering another future with her. i don't believe she'd cheat, but she likes male attention a little bit too much for my liking.

 

Yes, this trust issue needs to be resolved first and foremost. No trust, no good relationship. Try to hear her out, maybe she has some valid reasons. She didn't just break up with you just for the sake of breaking up, I'm sure.