! stop me from sending my ex this letter/email..

June 18, 2012

i know i will ultimately do what i want to do, but please, i want to hear opinions. i'm in such a rough place 3 weeks out, strict NC.

Little Background

my ex broke up with me about 3 weeks ago, by phone (we're long distance) before work, and so i didn't get much closure. i ended up texting some emotional things .."don't you DARE ever talk to me again, i'll never take you back. don't even reach out, just think of a fond memory and smile". well, she hasn't so far lol, so guess she listened. before i sent that last text she did reply to an earlier emotional text saying something like "is that how u talk to someone you're in love with? and what happened to if you love them let them go. and you'd respect me for being honest with you. if u love someone u want them to be happy and whats best for them". in the brief call she said how things had gotten too much, that she does still love me, but long distance was taking it's toll and she didnt want to be in a relationship anymore.

there's also a reference in the letter to us just getting back together. b/c i broke up with her 3 months prior b/c she broke my trust by flirting with a former crush on FB and tried to lie/cover it up. when i confronted her she was adamant that while she did feel distant that week, which stopped immediately when she visited me (i believe her b/c she seemed like her old self when she came that weekend), she still felt insecure about my feelings towards her (hadn't said I Love You up to that point, and she'd said it like 100s of times...that was 8 months into our relationship). While we were broken up i realized i did love her deeply and begged for her back and opened up to her, and after 6 weeks or so she finally gave in.

so with that...here goes...critisize away...

vanessa, i love you, so much. these last 3 weeks have been hell. literally. i've had moments on the treadmill, and bike, listening to my ipod, where i could no longer tell which were streams of sweat or streams of tears pouring off my face . my ego is going to hate myself for sending this email, the second i send it. but i don't care anymore. i'm already crushed. i'm a big boy, i can take the pain, and lots more of it. if anything i know i'll get stronger from it. i also know that time heals all wounds and i'll be okay on the other side, regardless of what happens.

vanessa, i don't know what happened. i really don't. i'm still in the denial stage. in disbelief. how can two people that had so much care and love for eachother, just end like that? we just got back together 2 weeks prior vanessa. i don't get it. you were telling your family and friends how happy you were to be back with me (or so you told me). i can fully admit i was different at times during those weeks. i was. like you said in your last call, i jumped down your throat a lot in those weeks b/c of my insecurities questioning whether you really wanted to be with me. but you have to admit you were different too. i can NEVER remember a time when you flat out weren't in the mood to come spend the weekend with me, and "too stressed", especially after not seeing me in 2 weeks. you also told me you called bianca (best friend) crying, and looking back on it, and reflecting, it sounds like it wasn't the fight we had that day where you lost everything for me suddenly. or that weekend after the fight when we didn't talk. you called bianca crying b/c you realized you didn't want to see me b/c maybe you didn't want to be with me afterall and were having doubts. is that accurate? you felt guilty? there's another guy in the picture isn't there? i'm not as stupid as you may take me for at times; i can tell there's another guy who you were just waiting for to start a brand new beginning, have fun with, not have to worry about fighting and argument after argument. a brand new beginning with a guy like the beginning we shared in our first few months. you were tired of the fighting and began to want to try things with him, more than try and save things with me?

how else can you just abandon EVERYTHING we've faught for over the past year. all the memories, all the laughs, the tears, the hours upon hours upon hours of talking and getting to know eachother, caring for eachother, being there for eachother; how can you just abandon your _____ (embarassing pet name ) like that ? All for what? A few weeks of bad times? Or maybe you've been feeling like you've wanted something different for quite some time, even before I last broke up with you and hence why you went talking to guys behind my back. I don't know. All I know is I never let you go vanessa, even as much as i tried in the beginning, b/c you were this amazing girl that walked into my life, the most caring/loving girl i ever met. i had walls put up for such a long time but you managed to break them down. now i'm left wishing i kept them up. because it was only after i opened up to you about how much i loved and cared for you, that you seemed to be the most uncertain about me (the last few weeks). was it a game or something? was i just a guy to build back up your confidence? i know it wasn't, but that's what my heart asks sometimes b/c i don't get it.

oddly enough, one of my favourite memories of you came in the last few weeks of us. in the heat of one of our biggest fights we've been through, when you've been the most mad i've ever seen you, i just broke down in tears for the first time in front of u, in ur car, and you immediately without any hesitation climbed over to me in the driver seat onto my lap, straddling me, in desperate need to comfort me and hug me. it was one of the most amazing things someones ever done for me. i love you vanessa. i would do the same for you. remember those times i broke up with u, and u were completely hysterical and a wreck? it destroyed me to see you like that. i couldn't leave you. i knew i never cared for anyone like that in my life and leaving u didn't make any sense. how many fights and arguments did i put up with for the first 6+ months b/c YOU were the one insecure and hostile at every opportunity? i stuck with us, and it pains me that i get like that for a few weeks and you're done? i get no fight from u? am i that disposable? maybe that's why my logical side knows it's over this time, b/c you've given up when i never thought it could happen like this. i never cheated on u, never lied to u, never stopped caring, just got angry and hurt when things started to get "different".

but maybe they were different for good reason. maybe you're happier without me and want to be with someone else. how else could it explain you not contacting me over the past 3 weeks when you KNEW how crushed i was and that everything i said in text that last day was a direct result of that. you knew that. but i guess you took it as an out, an easier one then explaining to me the hard truths that you'd realized.

honestly i do want you to be happy. i do. i regretted those things i said for a long time now and realized they were childish, but couldn't bring myself to apologize b/c i felt u gave me a real raw deal. in 5 min u discarded our entire year. honestly vanessa, if you're happier now, and i have a feeling you are hence the no contact, i just want to tell you i support you. i can get through this, i really can. i will wish you the absolute best and live my life. i just couldn't not lay everything on the table like this. i'd rather take another blow to my ego and start the healing process over again than regret not fighting for u. do i think we'll make it if we try again? i really don't know. i think if we both want it bad enough, definitely. if we don't, and you're not 100% sure it's what you want, then there's no point trying, we WILL fail again.

and now let my ego/logical side start absolutely hating me in 3, 2, 1 ..

June 18, 2012

I just want to say I HATE fb. I don't know its becasue it shows how people really are or what but I just hate it. you will see all the flirting and stalking your loved ones do..

about the letter well i'm sure most of the members here would agree that you shouldn't break the NC.

i'm not good at keeping NC, but i know one thing that if i hadn't broken NC at first I couldn't have kept it i mean i didn't have the energy to keep NC from the start, i had to break it to be able to keep it later.

if you're gonna do the same, i just have one thing to say to you, read your letter again and erase those parts that will make you feel bad about yourself later. don't write TOO emotional. but write what's in your heart.

June 18, 2012

very curious about what the women think as well. is this just going to push her away further? if she'd lost her attraction for me (i'm not certain of this, given we were long distance and every time she saw me she seemed in love with me again) will she just react to this with sympathy and feel sorry for me, like i'm some helpless pathetic depressed ex? like i've built 3 weeks of NC, not even ONE text/drunken call since the day she ended it with me, and i sent my last text and ended with take care. i've been strong in that regard, but it's all a front.

i just feel there's a small chance i screwed up by being hostile/emo reacting to the breakup. probably not tho, and she'd contact me regardless by now if she realized she still wants to be with me. i just feel compelled to take one more shot and tell her how i feel, even tho my logic tells me its the wrong thing to do.

help

June 18, 2012

I just want to say I HATE fb. I don't know its becasue it shows how people really are or what but I just hate it. you will see all the flirting and stalking your loved ones do..

about the letter well i'm sure most of the members here would agree that you shouldn't break the NC.
i'm not good at keeping NC, but i know one thing that if i hadn't broken NC at first I couldn't have kept it i mean i didn't have the energy to keep NC from the start, i had to break it to be able to keep it later.

if you're gonna do the same, i just have one thing to say to you, read your letter again and erase those parts that will make you feel bad about yourself later. don't write TOO emotional. but write what's in your heart.

thanks for the response, really appreciate u reading through it. so take out the overly emotional things? isn't it all pretty emotional? lol. how do i write a non-emotional letter when i'm so emotional? don't i want her to know i've been a wreck without her in case she can relate? i think ur probs right but i feel so compelled to tell her how terrible things have been. yet i do know, as a man, its weak and sappy. i'll def consider that, if i do choose to send it, thanks.

June 18, 2012

i am a female.

and don't forget that NC is all about you feeling good again and healing.

so do whatever it takes to make yourself heal again.

in the meantime you can think that you're giving her space and time to think what she has done.

in the beginning it will be hard, it aches. I actually felt physical pain.

but hang in there. it will get better.

June 18, 2012

thanks for the response, really appreciate u reading through it. so take out the overly emotional things? isn't it all pretty emotional? lol. how do i write a non-emotional letter when i'm so emotional? don't i want her to know i've been a wreck without her in case she can relate? i think ur probs right but i feel so compelled to tell her how terrible things have been. yet i do know, as a man, its weak and sappy. i'll def consider that, if i do choose to send it, thanks.

it is emotional, i don't see anything wrong with that. but considering what she has done, you wouldn't want to let her see that much pain, you might scare her away, or maybe the reverse but i wouldn't risk it if i were you.

just read it again and re-write it somehow that it won't be TOO emotional.

June 18, 2012

btw you can post here if you want it's a thread

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/117844-post-here-instead-contacting-your-ex

June 18, 2012

i know i will ultimately do what i want to do ...

Doesn't matter what we tell you, you are going to send it anyway. As a guy who broke NC a few times after my last relationship, I would strongly suggest not sending the letter. I broke NC in the hope and then the anger phase and therefore I came across like an irrational lunatic. In the hope phase I was super sweet and in the anger phase I let her know all my frustrations about her and her issues. Lessons learnt and if I ever break up again, NC will never be broken (for at least 6 months) and that is a promise I have made myself.

Recovery from a breakup is like going through a set of phases. Denial, Hope, Anger, etc etc etc. Most if not all the experts would recommend not breaking NC, until you have gone through all these phases and experienced the different emotions associated with those phases. One of the reasons for that, is because if you wrote this letter in 6 months it would look very different.

Also, you may have this romantic notion in your head that as soon as she reads this that things will change and maybe she will want to try again. The reality is very different. She might think the letter is sweet, but there is a VERY high probability she will not want to get back together.

I know the tempation to send the letter is huge. I really do, but trust me it's the wrong thing to do. If she really wanted this she would break NC and chase you. The fact she hasn't tells you all you need to know. If I were you I would keep a journal for 6 months. I would also update the letter regulary. Keep a copy of the original letter and watch the differences to the letter over the next 6 months.

Listen to the words she said to you. If you love her, respect her wishes to move on from you. If after 6 months you still want to send the letter then I think you should. It can be a great way for closure and her response won't effect you, the same way it would now.

Right now you are too emotional. You will thank us for the replies, but send the letter anyway. You believe that somehow you will be together again. The reality is very different, but sometimes we need to learn the hard way. You are drowning and believe the only person that can save you is her. Not true the only person that can save you, is you..

June 18, 2012

btw you can post here if you want it's a thread
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/117844-post-here-instead-contacting-your-ex

i know, i've seen that thread, thankyou . but i wanted to get lots of opinions on this from ppl here b/c i actually have reservations of sending this one. i haven't gotten proper closure as she was rushing to work when it happened, and well i got angry/hostile and told her never to contact me again before her work day was over. but it's so hard to live without knowing i tried to fight for us one last time. b/c i didn't really. i mean i can take the pain of her NOT wanting to fix things, and assume thats how it will go. but our breakup is still in the infancy stages (3 weeks tmrw) and i know how stubborn i get when i've moved on (it's happened to a serious ex already). i will never give her another chance if she leaves me and doesnt want to try to fix it and knows i was willing and wanting to. i don't want to leave any shadow of doubt that i didn't want to work on things. ya know?

but obv at the same time i dont want to come off super pathetic and pushing her even further.

June 18, 2012

Someone once told me about their "48 Hour Rule" for emailing their ex..... that was waiting exactly 48 hours from the time you finish writing it until you send it. If you edit it in any way, you have to re-set the clock and start over at 48 hours.

If after 48 hours you haven't changed anything in the email in any way and still want to send it, go ahead.

Personally, in this instance, I'd use this rule and then go ahead and send it after 48 hours if I still wanted to.

I agree that early on after a breakup sometimes you need to break NC and make one last final appeal to the dumper before you can fully move on..... some people need that in-person meeting, and for a LDR a long email pouring out your heart isn't necessarily a bad thing....

Just my opinion. You need to do what's best for YOU.

June 18, 2012

Doesn't matter what we tell you, you are going to send it anyway. As a guy who broke NC a few times after my last relationship, I would strongly suggest not sending the letter. I broke NC in the hope and then the anger phase and therefore I came across like an irrational lunatic. In the hope phase I was super sweet and in the anger phase I let her know all my frustrations about her and her issues. Lessons learnt and if I ever break up again, NC will never be broken (for at least 6 months) and that is a promise I have made myself.

Recovery from a breakup is like going through a set of phases. Denial, Hope, Anger, etc etc etc. Most if not all the experts would recommend not breaking NC, until you have gone through all these phases and experienced the different emotions associated with those phases. One of the reasons for that, is because if you wrote this letter in 6 months it would look very different.

Also, you may have this romantic notion in your head that as soon as she reads this that things will change and maybe she will want to try again. The reality is very different. She might think the letter is sweet, but there is a VERY high probability she will not want to get back together.

I know the tempation to send the letter is huge. I really do, but trust me it's the wrong thing to do. If she really wanted this she would break NC and chase you. The fact she hasn't tells you all you need to know. If I were you I would keep a journal for 6 months. I would also update the letter regulary. Keep a copy of the original letter and watch the differences to the letter over the next 6 months.

Listen to the words she said to you. If you love her, respect her wishes to move on from you. If after 6 months you still want to send the letter then I think you should. It can be a great way for closure and her response won't effect you, the same way it would now.

Right now you are too emotional. You will thank us for the replies, but send the letter anyway. You believe that somehow you will be together again. The reality is very different, but sometimes we need to learn the hard way. You are drowning and believe the only person that can save you is her. Not true the only person that can save you, is you..

very solid advice mack, i'm truly greatful of your for offering it.

don't completely doubt my willpower though, if i knew i had to send it it would have been sent already. trust me. there's a big part of me that doesn't want to as well. it's pretty damn hard to get next to no closure, ie. her listening to my complaints or questions about why she wants to suddenly break it off, which is what happened, and NOT contact her in any form, even though she ignored your last goodbye. not even a goodbye. yet ive managed to come 3 weeks, an eternity for me, without reaching out in any form.

the reason i want to now and not after 6 months, b/c i already know it'll never work then. i know how stubborn i get after the healing process, i won't care what she tells me, its over. she let me go. but right now i never even tried to fight for her, i missed that, and feel like i got cheated and shouldn't have started NC yet. i dunno. i might not be looking at this with a clear mind, with obvious bias, but thats what i feel like right now. anyhow i appreciate all feedback and will update my status as i go. hopefully come to a decision over the next day or two and stick with it.

June 18, 2012

i know, i've seen that thread, thankyou . but i wanted to get lots of opinions on this from ppl here b/c i actually have reservations of sending this one. i haven't gotten proper closure as she was rushing to work when it happened, and well i got angry/hostile and told her never to contact me again before her work day was over. but it's so hard to live without knowing i tried to fight for us one last time. b/c i didn't really. i mean i can take the pain of her NOT wanting to fix things, and assume thats how it will go. but our breakup is still in the infancy stages (3 weeks tmrw) and i know how stubborn i get when i've moved on (it's happened to a serious ex already). i will never give her another chance if she leaves me and doesnt want to try to fix it and knows i was willing and wanting to. i don't want to leave any shadow of doubt that i didn't want to work on things. ya know?

but obv at the same time i dont want to come off super pathetic and pushing her even further.

honestly, I totally understand what you mean.i think you should do it. I believe that i don't regret things i have done, but thing i have never done.

its just my opinion.

and don't be so strict later XD *shiver* give people people a chance kidding.

I like to hear what others have to say too.

June 18, 2012

Someone once told me about their "48 Hour Rule" for emailing their ex..... that was waiting exactly 48 hours from the time you finish writing it until you send it. If you edit it in any way, you have to re-set the clock and start over at 48 hours.

If after 48 hours you haven't changed anything in the email in any way and still want to send it, go ahead.

Personally, in this instance, I'd use this rule and then go ahead and send it after 48 hours if I still wanted to.

I agree that early on after a breakup sometimes you need to break NC and make one last final appeal to the dumper before you can fully move on..... some people need that in-person meeting, and for a LDR a long email pouring out your heart isn't necessarily a bad thing....

Just my opinion. You need to do what's best for YOU.

thanks ruby, that makes total sense, and i will at worst, do that. might even give it another week. this is why i came to LS, b/c i know i'll get more objective opinions.

u guys have been really helpful. i welcome any more opinions.

June 18, 2012

honestly, I totally understand what you mean.i think you should do it. I believe that i don't regret things i have done, but thing i have never done.
its just my opinion.

and don't be so strict later XD *shiver* give people people a chance kidding.
I like to hear what others have to say too.

thanks

my issue is two fold when it comes to later. i feel A. i went through so much pain and hell ALONE getting through it, without her being there for me. and now she wants to get back like everythings roses? just doesn't seem fair. probably immature of me, and ive done this to one ex for no good reason at all, just refused to open that door again b/c even though i was over her/it, i never forgot the pain i went through. and B. i'd never know if she was coming back b/c the guys she thought were better, sexier, more adventurous, more interesting, _____ insert favourite adjective, broke her heart, so she's now settling for me, the safe pick that she broke the heart of.

don't think i can get past those 2 things, i'm just not wired like that, but who knows.

June 18, 2012

thanks

my issue is two fold when it comes to later. i feel A. i went through so much pain and hell ALONE getting through it, without her being there for me. and now she wants to get back like everythings roses? just doesn't seem fair. probably immature of me, and ive done this to one ex for no good reason at all, just refused to open that door again b/c even though i was over her/it, i never forgot the pain i went through. and B. i'd never know if she was coming back b/c the guys she thought were better, sexier, more adventurous, more interesting, _____ insert favourite adjective, broke her heart, so she's now settling for me, the safe pick that she broke the heart of.

don't think i can get past those 2 things, i'm just not wired like that, but who knows.

seems fair. different personalities. different people.

June 18, 2012

Jono I really like Ruby's post above. There is no black and white when it comes to matters of the heart. You need to do, what you feel is right. I can offer advice, but remember that is only advice from my experience(s). If this is something you feel you have to do, then Ruby's post is the way to go. Just try not to romanticize about a happy ending.

The outcome you are hoping for by sending this letter, is realistically not going to happen. She views things very differently from the way you do. Add to the fact she is clearly confused, I don't think the timing is right to send this letter, but that is just my opinion. Having said that when a woman is confused when it comes to the R, that is usually the beginning of the end.

Maybe with the right girl for you, you might not get stubborn and be open to a reconcilation after 6 months? Believe if you want one of those women (the special one's) sometimes you have to make the biggest sacrificies. I think the attitude "I know after 6 months I won't want her", maybe that is something you should look into to? If after 6 months a girl I still loved, moved mountains to get back with me it's something I would not dismiss lightly.

I know you regret losing your cool at the end, but she will understand you were hurting. It's not going to effect her final decision either way. If you send this letter you need to send it knowing it will probably will be be the last time you ever speak to her. If she replies let her have the last word.

I love Ruby's idea of the 48 hour rule. Probably the most valuable post (for me) I have read on this site. So simple but so effective.

Edited June 18, 2012 by Mack05

June 18, 2012

Jono I really like Ruby's post above. There is no black and white when it comes to matters of the heart. You need to do, what you feel is right. I can offer advice, but remember that is only advice from my experience(s). If this is something you feel you have to do, then Ruby's post is the way to go. Just try not to romanticize about a happy ending.

The outcome you are hoping for by sending this letter, is realistically not going to happen. She views things very differently from the way you do. Add to the fact she is clearly confused, I don't think the timing is right to send this letter, but that is just my opinion. Having said that when a woman is confused when it comes to the R, that is usually the beginning of the end.

Maybe with the right girl for you, you might not get stubborn and be open to a reconcilation after 6 months? Believe if you want one of those women (the special one's) sometimes you have to make the biggest sacrificies. I think the attitude "I know after 6 months I won't want her", maybe that is something you should look into to? If after 6 months a girl I still loved, moved mountains to get back with me it's something I would not dismiss lightly.

I know you regret losing your cool at the end, but she will understand you were hurting. It's not going to effect her final decision either way. If you send this letter you need to send it knowing it will probably will be be the last time you ever speak to her. If she replies let her have the last word.

I love Ruby's idea of the 48 hour rule. Probably the most valuable post (for me) I have read on this site. So simple but so effective.

after more reflection, a question i'd be interested in hearing ur feedback from, is what about a different tone to the email. like one that while it does admit it's not what i want and express how much i love her, but comes from a place of acceptance, and forgiveness, instead of confusion, denial, and hope. ya know? like telling her i'm okay with her decision and DO want her to be happy regardless, in contrast to the way i acted on the last day. i hate that i ended things with so much hate and anger, when in fact i love this girl so damn much. ya know? i know i hurt her a lot with those last texts. b/c in her last text she said "why must you hurt me 10 times more everytime i hurt u" or something along those lines. i know i struck a nerve with her (which was of course my goal unfortunately that day).

i'm just saying IF a send an email, which is still a big IF (or maybe i am just fooling myself and like u said fully plan on sending her SOMEthing) would it at laest be better if i rewrite it to be more accepting/loving then hoping/confused/desperate etc?

June 18, 2012

Jono we all hate how things ended in a relationship. Myself and my last ex see total *&(*&&) in each other, but I still regret some of the things I said to her in the heat of the moment. I have spend the last few months (and will continue to do so) focusing on how to react best, when under emotional distress. It's one of the biggest tests we have in relationships. Keeping cool when things are out of control around you. My ex's solution to her 'crazy' anger is to find someone who doesn't make her angry. Myself, I'd rather a more proactive approach.

Getting back to the letter. You are still not sure what tone to use which tells me you shouldn't sent it until you are 110% happy. I can't tell you what to write or how to write it. I can advise you from my experience(s) to wait until the grief cycle passes, because whether you send it now or in 6 months, the outcome will most likely be the same.

If you sent it now in truth you are hoping she comes back and after you hit send/post it you will be staring at the computer/letter box for a reply. A reply that will probably hurt you and not give you any real inner-peace or closure. If you sent it in 6 months the letter will be more genuine, as there will be far more logic then emotion in it. You will also be sending it for closure, not with unrealistic hopes of a reconcilation.

Letting go of someone we love is gut wrenching, but sometimes as we can do is accept their decision. You can't fight for something, she no longer wants. If a girl is confused, she is well on her way to letting you go. A letter now looks the the last attempt of a desperate man and she will see right through that. The harsh reality is that she wants out but because you are hurting, emotional and deep in the denial/hope phase you are refusing to let go. Refusing to accept the reality of the situation.

I wouldn't send the letter, but if this is something you got to do then follow ruby's advice. Just mentally prepare yourself for the worst.

Edited June 18, 2012 by Mack05

June 18, 2012

Jono we all hate how things ended in a relationship. Myself and my last ex see total *&(*&&) in each other, but I still regret some of the things I said to her in the heat of the moment. I have spend the last few months (and will continue to do so) focusing on how to react best, when under emotional distress. It's one of the biggest tests we have in relationships. Keeping cool when things are out of control around you. My ex's solution to her 'crazy' anger is to find someone who doesn't make her angry. Myself, I'd rather a more proactive approach.

Getting back to the letter. You are still not sure what tone to use which tells me you shouldn't sent it until you are 110% happy. I can't tell you what to write or how to write it. I can advise you from my experience(s) to wait until the grief cycle passes, because whether you send it now or in 6 months, the outcome will most likely be the same.

If you sent it now in truth you are hoping she comes back and after you hit send/post it you will be staring at the computer/letter box for a reply. A reply that will probably hurt you and not give you any real inner-peace or closure. If you sent it in 6 months the letter will be more genuine, as there will be far more logic then emotion in it. You will also be sending it for closure, not with unrealistic hopes of a reconcilation.

Letting go of someone we love is gut wrenching, but sometimes as we can do is accept their decision. You can't fight for something, she no longer wants. If a girl is confused, she is well on her way to letting you go. A letter now looks the the last attempt of a desperate man and she will see right through that. The harsh reality is that she wants out but because you are hurting, emotional and deep in the denial/hope phase you refuse to let go. Refuse to accept the reality of the situation.

I wouldn't send the letter, but if this is something you got to do then follow ruby's advice. Just mentally prepare yourself for the worst.

you're right again. i clearly need time to digest this more. furthermore, writing an email or letter of acceptance and forgiveness at this moment would be a lie. i haven't accepted it yet. nor is all the bitterness i have towards her gone yet. in under an hour, i've seem to go from wanting to send it, to not being sure, to wanting to send one with a different tone, a more accepting tone, to now feeling like the not-sending it option is, if not back in the lead, getting real close. clearly i need more time and i'm not ready to send it, at least today.

here's the thing...a part of me feels the reason she left me in the first place, and she even as much told me so, is b/c i was always down her throat and highly emotional and angry and started fights with her yada yada yada. she said on the phone in that last convo that i'd changed (when here i was thinking she was the one who'd changed, not me; that i was just reacting to her changes. i still don't know which came first). and how did i end it? in the exact manner that she said she'd left me for. i wasn't understanding, i wasn't loving, i didn't accept what she wanted, i lashed out at her for it and spewed animosity and hatred towards her. she even commented in text, as i said before, "is that how you talk to someone you love?" etc etc.

so i've left things with me further backing up her claims as to why she wasn't happy. and it's been 3 weeks and for all she knows, i still support that stance since i haven't reached out. she might think i still hate her and that if she isn't happy with me, then 'f*ck her' ...when i actually believe thats childish and it isn't me. it's hard to live with how i ended things, is all. thats why i feel a letter, might actually do something, and make her realize i've reflected on things and do agree that i was in the wrong.

or maybe this is just me again trying to justify reaching out to her. bah.

June 18, 2012

Letting go of someone we love is gut wrenching, but sometimes as we can do is accept their decision. You can't fight for something, she no longer wants. If a girl is confused, she is well on her way to letting you go. A letter now looks the the last attempt of a desperate man and she will see right through that. The harsh reality is that she wants out but because you are hurting, emotional and deep in the denial/hope phase you are refusing to let go. Refusing to accept the reality of the situation.

I wouldn't send the letter, but if this is something you got to do then follow ruby's advice. Just mentally prepare yourself for the worst.

OP, I second what Mack has said here. Your story is somewhat similar to mine, but I am in the girl's place instead. My ex was writing me again and again, like what Mack said quite spot on there, there was the hope phase where it was all nice and sweet...and I refused to go back to working things out with my ex, so then the anger phase came and all sorts of insults came at me several times. Because I refused to respond.

No matter what he said or did, I knew he was desperate from whichever tone he used. I just knew it. And I knew that I had made my decision to get out of the relationship because of many reasons and I chose to stand by that. That's what your ex is doing too.

So yes, breaking NC now will result in only more hurt and longer time to heal (I suppose since more hurt). I was doing NC on my end too, and I broke it several times, only to find myself more confused and sad. And the more he wrote me, the more confused and sad I got. It was not helping me at all. I should have blocked my ex, but I didn't have the heart too. :\

Save yourself the heartache.. on your side and on hers. You can't change her mind if you see that she's really set on her decision. Even if you write her to tell her how you feel, what difference would it make?

June 18, 2012

thats why i feel a letter, might actually do something, and make her realize i've reflected on things and do agree that i was in the wrong.

My ex did this too. To let me know that it wasn't entirely my fault. Went for therapy to sort self out etc. It didn't change my stance.. nor my decision. For a moment it made me feel relieved, cos I know I wasn't the crazy one. But then there's a part of me that felt like...gosh it's too late now, I'm too hurt.. that I can't go back.

Maybe you are just trying to justify reaching out to her.

Your story is somewhat similar to mine. Only that I'm on the other side.

June 18, 2012

My ex did this too. To let me know that it wasn't entirely my fault. Went for therapy to sort self out etc. It didn't change my stance.. nor my decision. For a moment it made me feel relieved, cos I know I wasn't the crazy one. But then there's a part of me that felt like...gosh it's too late now, I'm too hurt.. that I can't go back.

Maybe you are just trying to justify reaching out to her.

Your story is somewhat similar to mine. Only that I'm on the other side.

so im guessing you must have had a serious reason to break up that was worth all the pain then.

June 18, 2012

so im guessing you must have had a serious reason to break up that was worth all the pain then.

Yeah. There were many reasons. I wasn't able to see them, but I was feeling hurt a lot by my ex. Decided to end it, too many issues. It went on for way too long too. :\

June 18, 2012

mack, you were right buddy. i did what i want. i couldn't stay in NC any longer without at least ending on a positive note. However, i chose not to send the essay i wrote on the first page, so for that LS, i'm greatful and actually did heed some of the advice from all of you. i wanted to write her for my own closure, and something that she didn't feel pressured by in the slightest. but something that shows my true self, and not some angry, emotional guy saying things in the heat of the moment. this is what i just texted her...

i've felt compelled to write u and tell u i do want u to be happy vanessa. i genuinely do. does it suck that happiness doesn't involve me? of course. but it doesn't change that fact. the last day we spoke i was in a dark place and my emotions took over, i'm very sorry. i really need to work on keeping my emotions in check when i get hurt, as u well know. i do respect u for being honest with me. i've wanted to admit these things to u the entire time but my ego wouldn't let me give it to u, until now. these weeks have been real hard and my heart still doesn't understand but i know i'll be fine. the last time i was heartbroken i found an amazing girl just months later . i still want to continue on our separate paths as the space helps me to move on. take care of urself vanessa, i wish u the absolute best. -bp (initials of pet name for me)

hopefully i didn't completely sacrifice my pride and who i am with that msg. i feel i was fairly short, concise, not overly emotional, and accepting of her decision, and i'm fairly content (as of now) with that as a final msg.

my biggest worry is if i don't hear anything back, a part of me will question whether she got the text or not. as the odd time cell phones are unreliable in that regard and maybe i should have emailed instead. should i bother sending her the identical msg in email now too? lol

anyhow, i feel much better sending that. i realize it probably will change nothing, but it makes me feel better about the person that i am, and thats what counts.

June 18, 2012

Hey Jono I usually wait a couple days before sending an email to an ex to see if i change my mind or edit the letter. Anyway regarding the message you did send her, it wasnt a message that she would necessarily have to reply to so dont be shocked if she doesnt. Let us know how it goes

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