CarboniteCammy Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 For those of you who have these black and white ideas on relationships and people in general, I have to ask: have you never changed your mind about something? Are you the same person as you were five years ago? Reason being, when I was younger the main cause of my relationships ending were just that I outgrew the person in question, or they outgrew me. When I look back on the things that were important to me at 20, they're very different then the things that are important to me now, especially in someone I consider long term. I've also had one relationship that started out as a short-term chemistry filled fling and ended with us getting married. That's 99% of the time NOT how those things go, but it did for me that one time.
ladyabstrused Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 For those of you who have these black and white ideas on relationships and people in general, I have to ask: have you never changed your mind about something? Are you the same person as you were five years ago? Yeah, this is true also. Especially if you're not very mature, your thoughts and wants may change because you're growing up. My therapist last told me that my state of mind doesn't work the same as my ex's cos the ex was way much older, thus we had so many differences. So for things to work out, my ex would have to wait for me where my brain develops to another stage where I'd be able to see things in a similar way or understand things in a similar way. That is part of growing up.
CarboniteCammy Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I guess I'd also like to add that as for sex/chemistry, there are so many things that can affect those factors in a normal relationship. First, you can have multiple types of chemistry with someone. I've met people that I really click with intellectually or emotionally, which I had no physical chemistry with. You have to have all of those different types of chemistry for a relationship to be long lasting. Then, and I don't know how old you are, but dude people get tired as they get older and have kids and work a job (or two in this economy) and sometimes the sex is forsaken...not that it should be, but it does happen that way. That doesn't mean that you don't love or want the person, it just might mean you're 9 months pregnant and still working and that you don't have the energy to put out. ;-) In a bad relationship where the chemistry is failing, you may just start to lose all interest in the person. Maybe they've started to bore you- like at first you thought they were really interesting, and then you realized that everything they said was someone else's thought and that was a huge turn off for you, and the thought of having sex with them is more like a chore then it is a pleasure to be shared.
Eddie Edirol Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I really like to read about human behavior and psychology. I got what you meant but just thinking someone who likes us can suddenly lose interest makes me so depressed and stressed. I don't know if i am emotional as I mentioned above or not but I've been told by a guy , well obviously not a very healthy one that i'm too kind for him, then again i think he has deep problems(you can read about him in my thread if u want) but since then I'm not comfortable and i think everything i do guys are gonna hate me and i have to act so cold... Most of what Ive seen in life and on here is that people break up with people that they love, but are no longer "in love" with. Big difference. I also had a women who was in love with me break it off because since I dont like kids, we both realized after a while that I wouldnt change. She said it devastated her, so maybe she was still in love with me, maybe she wasnt, she did the typical broken hearted actions, so I believe she was. If I dated a woman who I fell for who acted like she never wanted children for a year, then one day she says "what would you think about having kids?" I'd instantly be turned off, and I would lose interest in this women, because off that statement it sounds like she lied to me about her stance on kids. I'd be broken hearted, but if the discussion turned out to be that she really wanted kids, I wouldnt want to be with her anymore. But most of what Ive seen in life and on here is that people generally dont suddenly lose interest, they just dont tell you when they started to lose interst much earlier, and they dont tell you straight up what you did to turn them off, or they did and you werent listening. Lot of people dont tell you when they are losing interest, but when you see their behavior starting to slowly change towards you, thats when you have to start looking out. I just assume people are lying for the first month or so, or when their behavior starts to change, they might lie to keep you around.
CarboniteCammy Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 See Eddie, I would see that as someone just changing their mind. It may have nothing (or everything) to do with you at all. Women can have their biological clocks start ticking at any time. ;-) When I dated my ex, I didn't think I wanted kids. In fact, that was one of the things that our relationship was based on. As the relationship progressed, I realized that I just didn't want kids WITH HIM and I left him for that and other reasons. He would have made such a bad father, and while he may have changed his mind had I pleaded I decided I'd rather find a man who would make a great husband and a wonderful father and start over.
Eddie Edirol Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 See Eddie, I would see that as someone just changing their mind. It may have nothing (or everything) to do with you at all. Women can have their biological clocks start ticking at any time. ;-) Oh no doubt! And I know it happens, in fact its the only thing I'm terrified of, which is why I only date women who are already in their 30's and the chances of the biological-clock-urges have passed.
Author without Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Most of what Ive seen in life and on here is that people break up with people that they love, but are no longer "in love" with. Big difference. I also had a women who was in love with me break it off because since I dont like kids, we both realized after a while that I wouldnt change. She said it devastated her, so maybe she was still in love with me, maybe she wasnt, she did the typical broken hearted actions, so I believe she was. If I dated a woman who I fell for who acted like she never wanted children for a year, then one day she says "what would you think about having kids?" I'd instantly be turned off, and I would lose interest in this women, because off that statement it sounds like she lied to me about her stance on kids. I'd be broken hearted, but if the discussion turned out to be that she really wanted kids, I wouldnt want to be with her anymore. But most of what Ive seen in life and on here is that people generally dont suddenly lose interest, they just dont tell you when they started to lose interst much earlier, and they dont tell you straight up what you did to turn them off, or they did and you werent listening. Lot of people dont tell you when they are losing interest, but when you see their behavior starting to slowly change towards you, thats when you have to start looking out. I just assume people are lying for the first month or so, or when their behavior starts to change, they might lie to keep you around. well just knowing that people's feelings an change makes me don't wanna date at all.
Author without Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 also , i never lie and when something bothers me if its a big problem that will make me lose interest i tell them. I don't want to keep resentment so that it will make us feel cold. and i expect them to do the same.
Eddie Edirol Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 well just knowing that people's feelings an change makes me don't wanna date at all. Its all about knowing what to watch out for, different behavior, see if they cover up the different behavior. Depending on who you date, many people wont tell you when you turned them off. Its part of dealing with people. You cant just run willy-nilly into relationships without any caution whatsoever just because its not romantic. You have to learn to deal with it. You wont be able to resist dating forever, might as well get educated in the game.
Author without Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Its all about knowing what to watch out for, different behavior, see if they cover up the different behavior. Depending on who you date, many people wont tell you when you turned them off. Its part of dealing with people. You cant just run willy-nilly into relationships without any caution whatsoever just because its not romantic. You have to learn to deal with it. You wont be able to resist dating forever, might as well get educated in the game. i don't get it , why people like to complicate things? holding resentments will result in feeling cold toward each other. its a matter of being mature i guess. then again with the maturity. sad thing is its not even about age, many people won't mature at all.
Eddie Edirol Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 i don't get it , why people like to complicate things? holding resentments will result in feeling cold toward each other. its a matter of being mature i guess. then again with the maturity. sad thing is its not even about age, many people won't mature at all. People only complicate things when other people let them. For instance, if you start dating someone who just got out of a relationship, and they frequently complain about their ex, then they arent over the ex. They cant give you their full heart, and might not intent to, and its your fault only for staying with them, in that complicated situation. If you date someone, and theres somethings about them that you dont like, you dont stay with them assuming they will change. If you ask them to change, and they do not, its your fault for staying with them in that complicated situation. Its not about resentment, its about being smart. When it comes to problems like this, you think with your brain and not your heart. You dont stay with someone just because you dont want to deal with the hurt of being without them. 1
Author without Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 People only complicate things when other people let them. For instance, if you start dating someone who just got out of a relationship, and they frequently complain about their ex, then they arent over the ex. They cant give you their full heart, and might not intent to, and its your fault only for staying with them, in that complicated situation. If you date someone, and theres somethings about them that you dont like, you dont stay with them assuming they will change. If you ask them to change, and they do not, its your fault for staying with them in that complicated situation. Its not about resentment, its about being smart. When it comes to problems like this, you think with your brain and not your heart. You dont stay with someone just because you dont want to deal with the hurt of being without them. you're right but these situations are obvious , I've dealt with situations worse, that i assumed sth may be wrong but they always lied that everything is nice and good.in the end it all went wrong.
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