hechicera Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 I'm so mad at myself and I think that really awkward things happen to me, and it has to be my fault in some way because it cannot be coincidence... I am 30, a doctor with a good job, was married to my first real boyfriend, he cheated on me and we've been separated for more than 2 years now... We have a daughter that we share custody with and she spends some weekends with her dad which gives me time to... hmm let's say date. I won't say I'm a 10 in looks, not even near but I'm not ugly, I'm a bit overweight but one it has never been a problem for me with guys and second I'm always trying to look better and working out, I know maybe it could have a part on my "bad luck" but that's not it... Im trying to find out why is it so hard for a girl like me to find a good guy to date (besides me making terrible choices)... If you ask any of the people that know me, they would say I am a great catch, my friends husbands are always commenting on how stupid was my ex to let me go... Yet I'm single and getting sick of "dating". Initially I wasn't looking for anything serious, I had been with my ex husband and another boy after him, the only 2 men I had slept with, never been the "ho" kind... But after being treated like a doormat I decided I didn't want to get too involved and just have fun... Yeah right... Met guy #1 and #2 online... They are both good looking, let's say guy #1 would be a 10 for me... Kept in touch on and off for a few months (I was out of the US) and finally came the time to meet them. #1 was all physical since the beginning, we texted every day for a while before meeting in person and all was sexual, so of course our first encounter was sexual... And the second... The third he asked me to come over to his place but he couldn't get out from work (a block from his house) and he asked me to come over to his work which was preeeeetty awkward, he owns a bar and he had me sit there with a drink to tell me at the end he could not get out... I felt everyone there knew why I was there and couldn't have been more embarrassing, when I was leaving I tried to paid for my drink and the bartender said that she didnt think he would have wanted me to pay (so they knew I was "kindda" with him)... Every once in a while I would get mad at the situation and would stop texting him, and he would text... Or I would just think wth I don't care what he thinks and I just want to have fun, but that was BS... Another day he told me to come over to his place again (he had been to my place once and this was my second time to his place and we live an hr away)... Let's say he had more fun than I did cause I couldn't do much (that day of the month) but he was very happy cause he did enjoy all the way... At the end we're just having small talk in his bed when an "ex" according to him interrupted us... Extremely awckward moment yet again... He basically kicked her out and he didn't kick me out but it almost felt like he did, I was half naked in his room and had to dress in a rush and get out of there, after that you would think I wouldn't see him again, right? He texted me asking to meet, I told him I was ready for something more than that (being FB) and that I didn't want to keep doing that, I really meant it, but stupid me its already late and I've felt for that @... I had something I wanted to give to him and never had a chance, something I knew he would appreciate and I didn't have anyone else to give it to, so this weekend I was going to a party close to his place and decided to go take it to him, I was determined to just see him, give him the "gift" and leave thinking he would be as busy as usual or just not be there and I would leave it with someone... For the first time he had enough time to get out from work right away and ask me to drive with him to his place which I wasn't smart enough to refuse... I start pleasing him and when I wanted to get something myself he had no protection, so that wasn't going to happen, and he seemed in a rush to go back to work, as usual (him being in a rush) so I said ok we're done, midway, he said "so you are leaving me like this?" and I said "yes, cause you're leaving me like this"... I was mad and he was laughing... I dropped him back at his work and he said "ok kiddo" yes, another pretty awckward moment, "let me know ahead of time when you're coming again" I said I'm not coming again... He laughed annoyed and said "text me" a few times... I left... I'm so pissed yet I know It's my fault for letting him get away with all his cr$p... And that's not even half of it... Guy #2 is simpler, with him I didn't want it to be all sexual like the first, so we has a first date like normal people, drinks and movie, not even a kiss... Second date he invites me to watch movies at his place and to bring my stuff over "in case it gets too late"... I knew what it meant and of course I didn't take anything with me, I didn't want to stay over, but yet again I end up sleeping with him and staying... Left the next day and didn't hear from him until almost a week and I think I was the one that contacted him... Had a few more dates where we would get together, watch movies or have dinner and always had sex... Then after like 4 months he meets me at a bar where I was with some friends and I was drunk and wanted to spend the night with him at my place, but he had to pack cause he was going to Europe for 6 weeks, which he just told me a week before... We kind of had a fight about it and he asked me if I would be available when he came back, I said I was too drunk to talk about it, but we had never talk about being exclusive or having any serious relationship... Next Day he comes over to my place (after he packed), we cooked together and had sex and then he says good bye cause he's leaving the next day... He basically implied that he wouldn't be in touch while he was gone (yes, he has email, he has whatsapp so there wasnt really any excuse for him to not keep in touch) but then I told him that about me "being available" when he came back it wasn't a fair thing to ask, specially if he wasn't going to keep in touch... It's been 5 weeks and I haven't heard a word from him even though I've seen him online on my email chat... I'm so pissed I don't know what I'd do if he calls me when he comes back, don't even know if he will... Wtf is going on with me? I think I might know and I'm just in denial, I am not this type of girl or maybe I just don't want to believe I am, I've always been a good girl to be acting this way now, I was virgin until age 22 and married my first and was with him for 7 years, and now I've slept with 3 guys in 2 years? 2 in 6 months? And like this? I thought I had learned my lesson but obviously I didnt... And I'm not an unstable person, I don't have any psychiatric issues and I've gone through a lot and have done just fine, but something is not right with this picture... I know if anybody answers it's going to be something I don't want to hear, but I need some insight to get out of the mess im getting myself into... I'm finally ready to have a normal relationship and not give myself so easily yet it seems I don't get the chance to show people what a great thing would be for me to be with them... Sorry this got so long but it feels good to let it all out...
Feelsgoodman Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 This is going to be harsh but you asked for an honest opinion. As soon as I read the part where you said you were a doctor (which was really the first thing you said about yourself), I knew it was going to be a case of inflated standards. Professional women tend to think that their education and careers automatically make them better than "other" women. But the thing is, men don't care nearly as much about their partner's job and status as women do. The fact that you are a doctor gives you, at best, a pretty minor advantage in the dating scene. What you do is not nearly as important as your looks, personality and the kids' situation. By your own admission, you are average looking, a bit overweight and a single mom. Yet, you are after guys who are very good looking. Why would a guy like that want a relationship with an overweight single mom? Be honest with yourself. 1
Author hechicera Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 Thank you! I really appreciate your honest comment, if that's the case I'm ok to admit it, but the thing is I'm actually embarrassed to admit my profession on the dating scene! Anytime I'm asked what do I do I say I work in healthcare because as soon as I say I'm a doctor people treat me different and that's not what I want. I have way too many qualities as a person to be defined by what I do, yet people think is such a big deal what I do. As a fact that guy #1 bragged around all his friends at the bar about me being a doctor, which I found pretty ridiculous. But I do understand where you're coming from, I do admit I'm probably aiming higher than what I should, but it probably comes from the fact that with my ex I loved him for what he was even though he is beyond ugly lol they used to call us the beauty and the beast... and look where it took me, so I don't want to settle for that, I want to feel attracted physically to the guy I'm dating...
kaylan Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 (edited) Actually to many men, careers and education will make you better than other women. Im an educated man and it definitely matters to me. Id rather not date chicks who havent been to school or have no decent career plans. And while this is a plus, I will agree that you need the looks and personality before hand. The education and career is just a nice topping to an already delicious cake. Anyways, all I can say is take dating slow and dont worry about sex so much. Sex is fun and should be had if the feeling is right. Who cares if youve had two partners in 6 months. Thats nothing. You waited until you were 22? Um ok...thats kool...just know something that sex is sex. Its fun and enjoyable. Dont feel bad about it. Just date and take your time. Dont be afraid to share what you do for a living. Its a talking point, and I think its good that some dudes see it as a plus. PS - Were you not physically attracted to your ex? Never settle with who you date. You need emotional, mental, and physical chemistry to have a good relationship that lasts. Edited June 18, 2012 by kaylan
Author hechicera Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 PS - Were you not physically attracted to your ex? Never settle with who you date. You need emotional, mental, and physical chemistry to have a good relationship that lasts. Thanks Kaylan! To be honest not at all, he's physically the opposite of "my type", but he is really smart and really funny (that's a big deal when choosing who I date) and he's basically a narcissistic who makes himself so big around others that you end up believing he is, it took a lot of eye opening for me to realize that, people used to ask me all the time why I was with him. The more I think about it the less I understand. The problem with online dating is that inevitably at the beginning it's all about the looks, I am trying to be honest here because this is an anonymous forum and I don't brag about myself at all, but even considering my baggage (kid and ex) I can tell you many many guys would give me a chance if they got to know me. And no, not because I'm a doctor (though it does mean that I'm a strong willed person that had to overcome a whole lot to become what I am) but I feel I do not get the opportunity to show myself... and I can't try to explain it in a profile cause then they'll think I have inflated standards lol I'm sorry, I'm just very frustrated right now.
USMCHokie Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 I'm so mad at myself and I think that really awkward things happen to me, and it has to be my fault in some way because it cannot be coincidence... And this is why: Met guy #1 and #2 online... They are both good looking, let's say guy #1 would be a 10 for me... I find it rather telling that this is the only quality you mentioned about both men, and I have a strong feeling this was the only quality you needed from them. Good looking men don't need to settle down into real relationships when they have women passing out sex like candy from the first date. I would bet the farm that you are one of many in each dude's stable. You need to fix your people picker and adjust your priorities in who you pick if you want more than just movies and sex. 1
mortensorchid Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Despite what you have said here about these two situations, I will tell others what I always tell them about OLD. And that is, do not hold your breath that you are going to meet Mr. Right there. If you are lucky, you will meet Mr. Right Now. Sounds like you have met two of such people, but I think to them you are Miss Right Now as well. It happens, they say that there are more and more people that are not just meeting but MARRYING someone they meet online. Like the add for Match says, many relationships now start online. Do I believe that? If you factor in people meeting for business, enthusiast, or gaming purposes, then yes I do. Otherwise I see many people as just lost souls, attempting to reach out to others through that medium.
kaylan Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Thanks Kaylan! To be honest not at all, he's physically the opposite of "my type", but he is really smart and really funny (that's a big deal when choosing who I date) and he's basically a narcissistic who makes himself so big around others that you end up believing he is, it took a lot of eye opening for me to realize that, people used to ask me all the time why I was with him. This is why I dont advocate people saving themselves for one person and not dating properly when they are young. Dating allows you to figure out what you need in a mate and you avoid settling or ending up with the wrong person. I never understood marrying the first person you truly had a relationship with or slept with. Why did you marry someone who couldnt make you horny? Did you think the marriage would last? If a girl cannot make me horny, cannot make my heart melt, or cant challenge my intellect, then she has no shot with me. She needs to do all three. Like I told you...emotional, mental, and sexual attraction are all equally important. Remember that. The more I think about it the less I understand. The problem with online dating is that inevitably at the beginning it's all about the looks, I am trying to be honest here because this is an anonymous forum and I don't brag about myself at all, but even considering my baggage (kid and ex) I can tell you many many guys would give me a chance if they got to know me. I get what you are saying. Of course OLD (online dating) will be about looks at first. Its like a dating supermarket. Personalities dont shine through the best in text summaries and instant messaging, so physical attraction plays the strongest role. I can tell you that I might have glossed over my ex if she had an OLD profile. I loved her to death, and was insanely attracted to her, but shes an average looking girl facially. She did have a great body though, but Im sure she wouldnt have showed it off in a profile online, so I might have missed out had I not met her in real life and fallen for her personality as hard as I did. We cant get around the looks thing with online dating. Its always going to matter...so the best you can do is highlight your attributes, and backing it up with a good profile summary. And no, not because I'm a doctor (though it does mean that I'm a strong willed person that had to overcome a whole lot to become what I am) but I feel I do not get the opportunity to show myself... and I can't try to explain it in a profile cause then they'll think I have inflated standards lol I'm sorry, I'm just very frustrated right now. Dude just be honest about who you are in your profile. Is it that hard to say "I went to school for pediatrics and now I putting tongue depressors in childrens mouths for a living lol" Thats just an example if you were a pediatrician. You could also make a Scrubs joke since many people enjoy that tv show. Its really easy to be honest about who you are, and make it sound fun and not to "inflated". You gotta show people youre a regular down to earth girl, despite being a successful doctor.
USMCHokie Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 I get what you are saying. Of course OLD (online dating) will be about looks at first. Its like a dating supermarket. Personalities dont shine through the best in text summaries and instant messaging, so physical attraction plays the strongest role. I can tell you that I might have glossed over my ex if she had an OLD profile. I loved her to death, and was insanely attracted to her, but shes an average looking girl facially. She did have a great body though, but Im sure she wouldnt have showed it off in a profile online, so I might have missed out had I not met her in real life and fallen for her personality as hard as I did. We cant get around the looks thing with online dating. Its always going to matter...so the best you can do is highlight your attributes, and backing it up with a good profile summary. This is an unfortunate truth about online dating. And here's a question: Do you honestly feel that a person's attractive photographs will do more to make up for a bad profile than a very well-written and entertaining profile will do to make up for average photographs...?
Author hechicera Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 This is why I dont advocate people saving themselves for one person and not dating properly when they are young. Dating allows you to figure out what you need in a mate and you avoid settling or ending up with the wrong person. I never understood marrying the first person you truly had a relationship with or slept with. Why did you marry someone who couldnt make you horny? I completely agree with the first paragraph, this whole experience has made me a much better person in the way that I know exactly what I want and I don't want to settle for less, I wished I had known that before, I would have never married him. But don't get me wrong, he was my first and I was very naive, when I fell in love, in my eyes he looked great, he did make me horny and we had great sex, he was great in bed and even though I waited a long time and I wasn't experienced, I knew how to make a man happy in bed. About me going for good looking guys yeah, that's the first thing I look for (of course if the first thing I see online it's a picture), but then I also look in their profile, like I said, I like funny and smart people, ambitious, successful and with similar taste as mine and both of them had those qualities. And I think I can offer the same, but because they (and myself, yes my fault) jump into the sexual part right away, they never got to know me. And I did because at the time I wanted to, but if I didn't they wouldn't have got to know me anyway, ugh.
Author hechicera Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 Do you honestly feel that a person's attractive photographs will do more to make up for a bad profile than a very well-written and entertaining profile will do to make up for average photographs...? If a guy has an attractive photograph and a crappy profile I wouldn't give it a thought. I'm looking for the whole packet here. And actually more than how well written his profile is, I pay more attention to the facts. If a guy had an entertaining profile but his picture was not appealing to me, there's a big chance that I wouldn't even make it to their profile. And for whatever reason, I don't know if it's my post separation stage, my age, my experience but I am a very sensual person, even if I really want a serious relationship, at this point the sex part its also very important and I want to feel attracted physically to whichever stranger I decide to meet from an online dating site.
USMCHokie Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 About me going for good looking guys yeah, that's the first thing I look for (of course if the first thing I see online it's a picture), but then I also look in their profile, like I said, I like funny and smart people, ambitious, successful and with similar taste as mine and both of them had those qualities. And I think I can offer the same, but because they (and myself, yes my fault) jump into the sexual part right away, they never got to know me. And I did because at the time I wanted to, but if I didn't they wouldn't have got to know me anyway, ugh. Not trying to beat the dead horse with the looks thing, but did you ever really know them...? How much do you think you let their physical attractiveness color their personality? That is, you somehow found a way to convince yourself they were all of these things because they were hot...? If so, perhaps something to think about, but if not, then good on you.
Author hechicera Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 Not trying to beat the dead horse with the looks thing, but did you ever really know them...? How much do you think you let their physical attractiveness color their personality? That is, you somehow found a way to convince yourself they were all of these things because they were hot...? If so, perhaps something to think about, but if not, then good on you. Well... at least with the first guy, we never talked much about us, but before I meet them I usually do a search on them online to be sure they are who they say they are and not in a creepy way, but you couldn't believe the stuff you can find online about someone (like if somebody found this thread and knew it was me), anyway I found out a lot about him, that's the reason I think I fell for him, because otherwise with me he's only been a jerk with a d... And yes, you can be reaaaally reaaally hot, but if you don't have a job and don't care to look for one or you don't have any aspirations or any goals in life that's a huuge turn off for me, the physical aspect wont compensate for that. And it shouldn't compensate for being a jerk either, but here I am posting about him
kaylan Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 I completely agree with the first paragraph, this whole experience has made me a much better person in the way that I know exactly what I want and I don't want to settle for less, I wished I had known that before, I would have never married him. But don't get me wrong, he was my first and I was very naive, when I fell in love, in my eyes he looked great, he did make me horny and we had great sex, he was great in bed and even though I waited a long time and I wasn't experienced, I knew how to make a man happy in bed. About me going for good looking guys yeah, that's the first thing I look for (of course if the first thing I see online it's a picture), but then I also look in their profile, like I said, I like funny and smart people, ambitious, successful and with similar taste as mine and both of them had those qualities. And I think I can offer the same, but because they (and myself, yes my fault) jump into the sexual part right away, they never got to know me. And I did because at the time I wanted to, but if I didn't they wouldn't have got to know me anyway, ugh. Im confused. You say he was great in bed and got you horny...You also say he looked great to you when you were in love...yet in a previous post you said this when I asked you if you were attracted to him at all: Thanks Kaylan! To be honest not at all, he's physically the opposite of "my type", but he is really smart and really funny (that's a big deal when choosing who I date) and he's basically a narcissistic who makes himself so big around others that you end up believing he is, it took a lot of eye opening for me to realize that, people used to ask me all the time why I was with him. So which one is it?
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Well....I'm going to give you the honest truth about a lot of things, and it might break you down before it builds you up but you're in desperate need of help as you're essentially outmatched with the type of men you are dating, in terms of dating experience..so I'll bring you up to speed. First off...none of these men really cared all that much about you. You may not be a whore, but you honestly kinda act like one (in their eyes). You go with the flow, put yourself in demeaning situations...then sit there and come back for more. An experienced man with options recognizes this foolishness and will not even come close to respecting you...and this is shown through their actions. Men test the boundaries...you're like the fat kid that everyone picks on because they let you and even though they might feel bad for you, they'll still continue to do it and maybe feel badly about it and shake their head because you should defend yourself, but you don't so you get treated like a doormat. Well I'm the person that's coming up to you right now and telling you, stop letting people treat you like this, you've got to stand up for yourself and have some self respect. The more pathetic of standards they can put you in and will acutally stay in or come back for more....the more respect they lose for you and laugh at you behind your back with their friends...you become a story to tell, a sexual experience and then they push it as far and long as you'll let them take it. No man is going to take your serious or give a damn what you do, or who you are, or what you've accomplished If you treat yourself cheap. And how many men are going to be honest and forward with you if it prevents them from getting laid? not many, but you don't even ask...so they can just put that on you anyway. You're just another dumb girl falling in love with their looks and a few other qualities, these guys have been there done that, now they know how to take advantage of the dumb girl...they know you're waiting, hoping, and will eventually want/ask for more...when that time comes it's time to play busy and make excuses which come in many shape and forms. When a man doesn't take a woman seriously, your positives...like being a doctor, is only a perk. In fact, when he tells his friends what you do for a living It's more to brag, and then to embarrass you...because he tells his friends at a later time all the dumb ***** he put you through and you still stuck around....proving how stupid and naive an educated woman can be. It's a notch with a golden star on his belt for dooping you and shagging a higher prize on the totem pole...something to give him a confident boost. But If he isn't considering you're worth the investment because it took nothing to earn your affections and more importantly sex, it doesn't matter how nice, sweet, loving you can be...you're basically a walking vagina and that's what they'll treat you like....you don't deserve a mans most valuable commodity...his time, effort, investment, care....genuine things that actually men don't like to do for a girl acting like you. For these guys you are as typical as typical gets, you're just something to use up, and you prove that by standing by and If you leave...oh well, big loss there, what did it cost them? a few moments of half ass effort? For guy #1, you were just another piece of ass sitting at his bar. For guy #2, you're just some random girl who takes 1-3 dates to break down her mighty wall....he used you for sex on his end....whether you wanted it or not doesn't really matter for him and now he just wants to see if you'll still be around for the same thing when he gets back...you're just a sex toy, I doubt you mean anything at all to this guy. It makes me wonder where you think this guy is truly interested in more, because he'll have sex with a woman? Secondly, this is not awkward at all. You're another woman who thinks she's entitled to a good man, so she goes out there, sleeps with a few guys then wonders why she's still alone. Sorry, but it takes more sense than. Your inexperience in dating is really hurting you, you managed to get married and have a child in your last relationship which lasted a significant period of time where you would have picked up at least some of these experiences...unless you by chance found a guy who was looking to settle down with the right girl (which you probably would have rejected anyway) then to guys who go around using women...right now you're like a fresh naive 22 year old...easy pickings for men your age, even younger, and wouldn't even require any real effort from an older man/more experienced man....you'd believe everything you wanted to believe, it wouldn't take many lies to hold you on the line, and it wouldn't take much effort to keep you there, your own emotions would do the work for the man. Because honestly, there are plenty of women who are victims of the same crap and there will continue to be until the end of time because every woman always thinks its different, can change a man, doesn't care until its too late and finds out she actually does care, or just figures people are more genuine and honest out there and believes every sexual relationship will become a relationship...you essentially missed the memo while you were married. Finally, even though with the above said...It's not even really necessarily you. You couldn't go back to a drawing board and figure this out, this isn't a math problem..these guys knew what level of investment you were as soon as they started getting to know you and checking off a list in their head of if you had the right stuff to take it further and if you would be long-term, just sex, short relatinship material that might by chance progress to more...your destiny was chosen early on and there was nothing you can do to change that. They didn't feel emotionally connected and attached to you...sure maybe chemistry, sexual energy and human nature of attraction but for one, these guys don't sound like two guys who were looking to settle down,,,basically one owns a bar, alwasy busy, has his own life to attend to, and has you sitting at a bar like an idiot waiting for him...so what makes you think you'd become priority number 1 all of a sudden? didn't you realize it when he wasn't make it time or did you actually believe a man who's falling for a girl is just too busy? and with the other guy, no serious talk about a potential relationship, just banging you, kind of like a hooker "I'll take you out, feed you, cook with you...then bang you at the end of the night...sounds much cheaper than a hooker actually!" The guy starts to drift away so you contact him and reel him back in, he sees a big sign that says "Free sex"..so he comes back, tries to poke you without a condom to see IF he could, unfortunatel you're a doctor and know too much about STD's to let that happen and he hasn't exactly been on the deep emotional level with you, so you reject. There are things you should be thinking about, that you are just too naive to be thinking about because you get caught up in these douchebags. You haven't learned that just because you have a first, second, third great date..doesn't mean it's anything more than sex. Men don't just connect with a woman because he sleeps with her, as you may have noticed good looking/capable men aren't going to settle for the first thing that comes along just because she's cute, intelligent, yadda yadda yadda, who cares...you know how many women out there say that about themselves? It's an emotional freight train that changes a man or makes him want to work and dedicate a helluva lot more than a random FBuddy, and that you cannot control, you can't make a man feel this way or prove yourself, it just happens and when it does you'll notice a lot of things change, much more from these situations. You've got to really read up on these forums that cover specific topics on dating because this would take me all night, but trust me your situation couldn't be more normal, stop thinking you're the exception to the rule...understand the rules of the games, men and their motives and ways....dating is a cruel world, its cold-hearted, men and women get hurt without empathy or sympathy if they're not on gaurd or prepared to accept the reality and be able to filter out the good or the bad. You've got to be the difference maker in this equation, learn from your experiences and become wiser before dating anyone else...chances are you'll just date another guy looking for sex that you'll get emotionally tied up in adn end up here back on the forums...educate yourself on dating, learn to tell what is genuine from men and what are weak actions, words, and gestures that you're taking way too far and seriously...It'll save a lot of potential heartbreak and you'll end up around the few blocks quick and before you knwo it. 3
USMCHokie Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 And yes, you can be reaaaally reaaally hot, but if you don't have a job and don't care to look for one or you don't have any aspirations or any goals in life that's a huuge turn off for me, the physical aspect wont compensate for that. Come on now...I'm sure you're using an extreme example here to try to illustrate a point, but most average men have a job and have some sort of goals in life. My question is whether good pictures can save an "average" (i.e., job, goals, nothing super remarkable, not a whole lot in common) profile...and more likely than not beat out "average" (i.e., not ugly) pictures with a stellar profile... 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 I think I have a man-crush on Ninja. No homo. rofl!......
Author hechicera Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 Wow Ninja! It was a long post, yeah it hurt a bit but you couldn't be more right! I need friends like you around me when I'm getting into trouble! lol You are absolutely right, I think my major mistake was thinking I could play the game and not get hurt. Thinking I knew enough, but I'm still very naive. I thought I had grown stronger and I have, but I have way more to learn. Though I still don't understand what am I supposed to do. I had sex with them because I wanted to, I wasn't that naive in that aspect, so I shouldn't be surprised they see me like a whore, but I'm not. Or I don't want to believe I am, and I think I'm done with that attitude, it's probably going to take a lot more than that to sleep with me again. But I'm still confused. How would guys know I'm worth it if they don't give me a chance? About my ex, he IS ugly, that's a fact, but I don't know how common that happens that when you have feelings for someone you see them very differently? Even with this guy I met online, sometimes I think it's in my head because I am so incredibly attracted to him it's hard to explain. About the "average looking guy", when I'm seeing their pictures, I either like them physically or not, so there isn't room for a midway... Maybe that works different for you guys, where you would say "I would def do her... her maybe... her not"... I either would or not.
ThingsAreComplicated Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Ninja's post in a nutshell: it's just so casual what happened to you. However I wouldn't worry too much about being a whore, I don't think you are. You had sex with guys you were attracted to, hopefully it was good (even though I doubt), nothing wrong. Actually you stated that you were looking for fun so what else exactly did you have in mind? However I disagree in one point: don't "learn" about dating "rules" from written sources and stuff, it's bull****. Just go out, meet people and don't jump to bed after 3 dates. Simple as that. To emphasize: "you don't deserve a mans most valuable commodity...his time, effort, investment, care....genuine things that actually men don't like to do for a girl acting like you. For these guys you are as typical as typical gets"
Emilia Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 You need to socialise with men OP, widen your social circle. Hang out with them through shared interests, not just with the view of dating them. Learn to enjoy their company, talk to them about their hobbies, make friends with them. You will meet one you click with on many levels in a natural way. It takes a little time and effort but it's worth it. This is how I've met all the great guys in my life. 1
curlygirl40 Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Ninja nails it again. The good news is this. It's not uncommon for people just out of long term relationships to be a little wild, to sow their oats and have a little fun. (I'm guilty as charged also) So look at it that way, it doesn't define who you are as a person, it was just a phase. And when you know better, you can do better. Now you know how NOT to act if you are actually looking for a relationship. Look at what you've learned and consider it a positive experience that way. Time to move on. What you need to do is to decide what you want, and then act accordingly. One of my favorite quotes I read recently (I'm kinda paraphrasing here) "People are selfish, they will do what they want to do and hope that they don't hurt you in the process". Keep that in mind as you move forward. Keep your best interests in mind. Best of luck 1
Feelsgoodman Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Good looking men don't need to settle down into real relationships when they have women passing out sex like candy from the first date. I would bet the farm that you are one of many in each dude's stable. Good looking guys do settle down, but typically not with average looking single moms. I've always said that if you want to play outside your league, you need to learn to be happy with getting crumbs (i.e. being temporarily used for sex). Online dating can give women an illusion that they are more attractive than they actually are. The ratio of men to women is pretty skewed on most dating sites, so you get lots of messages from men, many of them good looking. However, just because you get messages from hot guys does not mean they are interested in a relationship with you. Ultimately, most people want to date someone who is on their level...otherwise, it feels like you are short-changing yourself.
Author hechicera Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 I agree it was a phase, cause it didn't feel like me at all... And I wished it was easier to meet men in social situation rather than OLD, but being as busy as I am with work and new in the city, it's been hard and for some reason all the people I meet are already married, that's why I considered OLD even though I was skeptic about it. I also may be completely wrong here, but I've always had the impression that a lot of men are intimidated by me in person, I know it may sound arrogant and out of place, but it's what I've felt for many years and I've had a hard time with that... it's the same feeling I had when no one would get near me when they knew who I was married to (he was well known and respected, and so was I) but it has been the same before and after him and I never knew what to do about it... maybe it's something to do with my personality? Also again, back to the looks, I might be average, and overweight, but I have a lot of potential, there's no way I'm going to settle for crumbs. Maybe this is the kick in the b... I needed to improve myself and get in shape, but even how I am I've been considered veery sexy... it really bothers me to think that I don't deserve a good looking guy I'll try to post a picture so that you make your own conclusion... I've got really helpful advise here and I really appreciate it!!!! "]http://
Eddie Edirol Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 (edited) Also again, back to the looks, I might be average, and overweight, but I have a lot of potential, there's no way I'm going to settle for crumbs. Maybe this is the kick in the b... I needed to improve myself and get in shape, but even how I am I've been considered veery sexy... it really bothers me to think that I don't deserve a good looking guy hechicera you might not have a choice. Most guys that you go for that have their choice of women dont look at you like you have potential, they look at you as if you are never going to change, or you are going to get worse physically. So you cant count your potential, like what you think you will look like after working out for a year. You cant believe a guys words that just used you as a FB, you have to believe the guy thats been with you as a boyfriend in a real relationship for like half a year. All you can do now to avoid getting led on is to go on a FEW dates with the guys without going to their places, and no sex. Like 4 or 5 dates at least. Most of the guys you go out with will show their true agenda by then, you will tell them to get lost, and you'll never have to get attached to them, you can just assume that most of them just want a FB. When you have needs, its fine, but you have assume those guys wont be serious about you, until they really are. Simple as that. Edited June 18, 2012 by Eddie Edirol
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